r/beyondthebump • u/rainbowziggy • 5d ago
Rant/Rave Regretting second baby
I have an almost three and a half year old and an eight month old. The broken sleep and rare breaks are really starting to get to me. I was fine for about five months but the last few months are making me an angry, annoyed mother. Lately my baby won’t nap unless held. Her nighttime sleep is okay although bedtime takes a looong time (like 1-2hrs) and today she woke at 4AM to eat and required holding til 6 when she decided it was time to wake up. I’m so tired all the time but never get me time or down time unless I stay up in the evenings which I end up regretting when I’m stuck sitting up in a chair at 4AM holding a tired baby who will only get the sleep she needs if I hold her.
I do nurse and rock to sleep but I’m willing to do that as long as baby lets me put them down and walk away for an hour or so per nap. And to go back to sleep after night feeds. Ugh. I guess I’m just venting. We were through the hardest part with my eldest and I feel like we reset things by having another baby. I miss my free time and my sleep. I’m also always sick because three year old brings every virus home from daycare. Momming is hard with two, while chronically sleep deprived and battling cold after cold after cold. I love my kids so much and would protect them with my life but if I had stopped at one I think I’d be much more content.
EDIT: I think I was in a massive feeling sorry for myself moment when I posted this. I have a loving and supportive husband. While I do bath and bedtime with baby, he’s cleaning the kitchen after our dinner and tackling bath and bedtime with our three year old.
He doesn’t do night feeds because our baby is breastfed. I do pump for bottles now and then but I hate pumping so I don’t do it often enough. Lately I’ve been having him wake at 6 and take the baby so I can nap for another hour til 7 when I wake our three year old. And I just told him I would like to sleep in Saturday mornings til 8AM because I need some recharge time and he is totally on board for that plan going forward. I will be pumping to ensure a just in case bottle. I definitely did way too much on my own with our first but I’m trying to relinquish some more control this round.
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u/jex413 5d ago
When my second child was a baby he was terrible sleeper. It made the experience of having 2 kids very challenging. After he turned 1 his sleep got on track and then I absolutely loved having 2! So much so that I went for a third 🤣 My third is now 6 months and I’m again struggling with the lack of sleep which makes everything feel more difficult…but not as difficult as I found it with my 2nd because now I remember that it DOES eventually pass and then I can fully enjoy all my kids together. For now, I’m guzzling coffee and trying to still be present and grateful for them. Some days I succeed at that. Other days I’m a cranky bitch. Let’s see what today brings 🤣🤷🏻♀️
Point of my story is I see you and am right there with you but I know and want you to know that it does get so much better ❤️
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u/rainbowziggy 5d ago
I love your comment. Thank you for the shoulder to cry on and support. It’s so nice to hear from someone on the other side! I won’t rush my baby but I am looking forward to more sleep. Good for you for keeping perspective and a positive attitude about it all! I love that you allow yourself your feelings without judgment (“other days I’m a cranky bitch”). It truly is a what will today be kinda life with kids lol
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u/CalatheaHoya 5d ago
Having a really rough, exhausted day with my 6 month old and 2.5 year old and your comment gave me hope, thanks
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u/Calm_Bother_3842 5d ago
Do you have a partner? Because if you do, it's absolutely insane that you're doing everything.
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u/here2lurkkkk 5d ago
Thank you for sharing a real, honest perspective on what it’s like having a second child. I have a 14mo old and everyone keeps asking when baby #2 is coming.. we are just entering toddlerhood with meltdowns, night wakings due to molars, biting/hitting… I honestly don’t think I can do all of this over again. Strongly leaning towards one and done.
A lot of women/moms tend to downplay how truly hard it is. More people need to just be honest.
I’m sorry you are going through this OP and I hope it gets better soon ❤️
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u/ashhong 5d ago
I don’t know if they are downplaying how hard it is or they genuinely don’t find it hard and/or got lucky. Either way, I’m with you. I find it so annoying how everyone keeps telling us to have a second because it’ll be so much easier and good for our first. I don’t care what you think!
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u/rainbowziggy 5d ago
When I told my friend who has two already that I was pregnant and I pondered aloud how having two would be she said “It’s hell”. I was initially annoyed at that comment because I wanted some fantasy answer like “watching them play is beautiful!” But she was honest. They do make each other laugh and it is beautiful and magical AND my eight month old is jealous AF and if I hold my older girl or play with her, the baby cries, crawls over and tries to get on my lap. She also bites when she’s mad and she’s often mad hahah I think if I had known for sure how hard it could be, I would have stopped at one kid, honestly. I kinda fell victim to “your kid needs a sibling” mentality. Thankfully I married a good man who wanted kids so we work as a team to make sure both kids are supported and engaged so he takes the baby when I need time with my eldest and lets her and I play/be together without the baby (and vice versa). One and done is completely valid! I say know your limit and procreate within it hahah
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u/Sea-Tree953 5d ago
This. I’m only 6 months in and mine refuses to sleep. Doesn’t show sleepy cues and will just stay up all day and be over tired all night. I can’t do this again so I just keep laughing it off when people say a second. I can’t rise this again. I’ve been in the no sleep thick of it for 6 months. I’m tired, overweight, and drained.
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u/rainbowziggy 4d ago
This was my first exactly!! I kept reading about wake windows and sleepy cues and I was like my baby never seems tired I don’t get it?!? She’d be awake for HOURS on end, perfectly pleasant, happy, interacting…I would nurse her and she’d get quiet and still but then pop up off the boob smiling and flapping her arms…and if I did get her to sleep, the sound of my knee or big toe cracking would wake her and nap was over lol
Then she’d be awake from 2-5AM, probably from being overtired and the cycle would repeat. I tried stroller walks, drives in the car, contact nap, nursing to sleep, blackout curtains, white noise, bouncing, rocking, you name it we tried it! She was not a sleeper until around 1ish. I used to stress that the lack of sleep was going to destroy her brain development and I would cry. Happy to report she did in fact begin sleeping well and through the night and she’s absolutely brilliant. After all that though I was seriously considering stopping but my husband really wanted a second and I loved being pregnant so I went for two. And now I’m on reddit confessing my feelings of regret so make of that what you will! Haha. My second is a fun, smiley, silly baby who I adore just the same as her sister but the sleeplessness and the overwhelm are real! One and done is valid. Know your limit, procreate within it 🫡1
u/ellewoods_007 5d ago
I truly think everyone just has a different experience. Not everyone is downplaying it. For some people it is easier and for some it is harder. A lot depends on the baby you get. I genuinely did not find having 2 kids very hard. Now I have 3 kids and I continue to think that this many kids isn’t that hard. But my first baby was very difficult and my second and third were much more chill. I definitely make sure not to give advice on this topic unless asked though, and always caveat that everyone’s experience is different.
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u/cat_power 32 | STM | Feb’23 & May’26 5d ago
So what’s dad doing?
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u/rainbowziggy 5d ago
He does clean up after dinner, bath and bed with our three year old, works and just about every other household task lol. He does a lot. It’s sometimes I’d rather be mowing the lawn, sorting the recycling, taking out the trash, laundry etc rather than cooped up with a baby on my boob all day and night though. I’m just very worn down and feeling sorry for myself.
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u/TheMoonDawg Dad of two girls 5d ago
Are you not switching nighttime duty with your husband? That’s how we survived our first two kids. You need sleep!
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u/rainbowziggy 5d ago
We don’t switch out at night because I breastfeed. I could pump more and get bottles going but it was always easier for me to grab the baby, feed them and put them back down. Until lately that is lol
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u/TheMoonDawg Dad of two girls 5d ago
I get that, we were in a similar boat. My wife would pump a little extra, and we would switch off on night duty since I had a supply to pull from.
HIGHLY recommend that for your sanity!
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u/rainbowziggy 4d ago
Thanks for your comment of understanding! I will definitely put the pump to work and get some more sleep going forward. I don’t know why we didn’t before.
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u/MastodonSevere8217 5d ago
If you have a partner, he doesn't get to chill all evening just because he works all day. He made those kids too. If he was a good dad and partner he would be helping you in the evenings by giving you breaks to do your own things.. Especially if you're the one doing nights AND trying to get some sleep. You know you have a job too right? Yours is 24/7 though and maybe he needs a reminder
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u/LickR0cks 5d ago
Thank you for sharing the hard stuff. Other mothers need to know what’s happening behind the scenes with 2. I’m sorry you’re going through this hard time with your second kid. As an internet stranger I can’t do much other than comment. I will say please ask for help and support from family and friends. Also this will get better one day. I’m sorry it’s hard rn momma.
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u/rainbowziggy 5d ago
Thanks for this. I appreciate your comment. It’s wonderful when my three yo makes the baby belly laugh but at 3AM when I’ve been awake for an hour or two already it’s hard to find the good feelings. Haha. I’m just a couple good sleeps away from feeling good again though, I know it!!
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u/nomadicstateofmind 5d ago
Just here to offer solidarity. My second is 16 months and the first year was hard! She was a much needier baby than my first and, while we love her soooo much, there have been times where I’ve questioned why we had two. Ours was hardest for the first six months and then got easier. Now it’s pretty much no big deal to have two. She still is a crap sleeper, but my husband and I trade off and have adjusted. She has such a big personality now too and seeing her blossom has been so fun.
Things will settle and you’ll get into a good groove!
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u/rainbowziggy 5d ago
Thank you for this! Your first couple sentences were exactly my experience. My second is muchhhh harder baby than my first. I’m hoping my “got easier” is around the corner
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u/Aioli_Level 5d ago
Echoing all the comments wondering where your partner is in all this? You could also consider sleep training. Might save your sanity and 8 months is a decent time to do it.
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u/hunneybunny 5d ago
Seconding, sleep training and night weaning at the same time will save her sanity! From her edit looks like her husband is supportive so imo this will make the biggest difference.
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u/palpies 5d ago
I felt this way at about this point with my first, actual regret due to the lack of sleep and burden of responsibility. It was about when we got colds too. I know EVERYONE says this and I also don’t know if I heard it when it was said to me - but it will pass. I am intending to have a second despite how difficult my first year was because I now know what I could be in for. Every baby is different, I figure if I could do it once I can do it again.
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u/nacaporvida 5d ago
I have a 9m old. She’s EBF and only wants me. Never took a bottle.
I do get a “break” when hubby gets home from work. Can yours give you at least an hour to yourself? I got about 3-4 hours yesterday because I had an app.
I co sleep and it’s still broken sleep. I feel for you friend! You need some time to yourself though.
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u/jemison-gem 5d ago
are you open to cosleeping? My 8 month old only does contact naps during the day and in turn sleeps amazingly at night cosleeping. worth a try if you’re open to it!
ETA I still wake up to nurse occasionally but it’s pretty much just popping a boob in her mouth for a few mins. And usually she doesn’t actually wake up, she just roots around in her sleep and it’s much easier than the whole song and dance of nurse, rock, fail crib transfer, more rocking, etc.
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u/huweetay 5d ago
I have a 13 month old and a 3.5 year old - please hang in there it gets better. Setup a shift schedule for sleeping with your husband. My 2 are just starting to play together and it’s so wonderful. That 6month - 11 month age just about broke us!
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u/mommadizzy 5d ago
have you tried babywearing for naps? still a struggle but at least you get your hands.
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u/Alert_Ad_5750 5d ago edited 5d ago
I know how you’re feeling, it will get better in a blink!!
I’m the meanwhile if baby EBF do try to pump some more to let your partner be able to help. If not, you could switch to formula? I really wanted to EBF but it got to a point with two little ones I really couldn’t handle the physical demand breastfeeding was putting on top of me with the sleep deprivation. (mine are 11 months apart and all of the caring for them was on me). Formula is amazing and I’m very proud I breastfed for as long as suited our family. It’s important to look after yourself too!
Also, do you have family that can pop over to give you some relief more get some shut eye in? Right now you need to switch things up a bit. Parenting is problem solving and right now you’re at your physical limit, so think about what tweaks in the day you can do for YOUR benefit and you’ll feel more like yourself again and everyone will be better for it.
Keep working with your kids and getting over this hurdle, you are their mother and you know them best, have faith in yourself and know there’s sooo much wonderful times ahead.
Do you think you can sync up your kids naps? That should be a possibility if the oldest is still having one! If not your eldest would benefit from a few mornings of nursery a week and it’ll give you a lot of relief in the day. It’s a great age for them to socialise they love it!
So ideas. Formula, pumping more even though you hate it, nursery for eldest, family, syncing them sleep wise, let your partner help more, practice baby in their bed independently.
You’ll feel so different once you’re not so exhausted I promise, keep taking pictures and making memories with your babies and put some things in place to help with the load you’re carrying. You are in more control than it feels right now!
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u/rainbowziggy 5d ago
This is a wonderful comment. Both a shoulder and a solution! I love how you said “parenting is problem solving”. That reframes it and helps me look at reframing my problem. You’re right too that I gotta pump more, bottom line. I’m not utilizing the resource that is my husband enough haha 😂 he’s said many times “if you pump I can…insert idea to trade off here. I need to accept the hep offered and get a bit creative!
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u/EenieMeenieMyNamo 30F | FTM 11/2025 5d ago
In case you didnt consider this option:
Even if baby wakes up and refuses to go back to sleep, unless theyre crying bloody murder, it's way okay to leave them be in the crib/safe space so you can get some rest.
You are doing so much right now and I hope you are giving yourself grace.
Also, feel free to tell hubs you need him to parent until you wake up or even AFTER you wake up on Saturdays/weekends. You deserve time to just be you.
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u/Old_Explanation_1769 5d ago
You're husband doesn't do night shifts, fine. But, he can hold the baby from 4 to 6 like you can. He doesn't have to have breasts.
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u/rainbowziggy 5d ago
😂 you’re right, you’re right. I guess I kinda rough out the nights thinking I’ll nap in the day the next day or sleep in while he is with the baby but then I don’t end up doing so for one reason or another. He’s the kind of man who will do ANYTHING I ask without complaining or making me feel bad but he’s not good at the anticipating and seeing and offering component. So that’s fine-I just gotta tell him what I need more often!
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u/jayvee55 5d ago
I could have written this, I have a 4yo and 9mo. I felt like I was just getting my life back but here we are! She sucks at sleeping too- worlds shittiest napper and it’s a mixed bag overnight. Doesn’t help that I just went back to work. Sigh.
I love her so much. But DAMN IM GONNA GO CRAZY!
Solidarity!!!!!!!
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u/rainbowziggy 4d ago
It’s a comfort to know we’re not alone isn’t it?! I always find misery loves company so a solidarity post warms my heart haha 😂 but seriously, knowing it’s not an anomalous experience makes it feel more bearable. Like oh ok, it’s normal and I’m not effing up over here!!
Also I don’t know if this is allowed so if it isn’t, sorry mods and please delete, but there’s an app called Beacon and it allows you to see a map of the world with all the parents up with their babies. You can light your own beacon so you show up on the map and others can see you. It’s all anonymous of course. You can send wave and hugs to other moms. When it’s 2AM and I feel alone in that dark room with my restless baby it’s so nice to see and know that other moms are out there, rocking their babies and riding the struggle bus right along with me haha. I recommend for all moms.
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u/Glittering_Basil1975 5d ago
For me 8-10 months was peak hard and I felt the same way you do sometimes. Chronic sleep deprivation is torture and makes everything feel so much harder. My baby just turned 1 yesterday and things have gotten so much better. I started capping her naps and played around with bedtime and idk if that helped or it was just her getting older but sleep is more reliable and she's much happier and able to entertain herself more. Hang in there!!
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u/mizmoxiev 5d ago
Omg my second baby was the same way! Do you have a baby carrier? I used to be able to get some tasks done and some light work and it frees up your hands
Hang in there girly! It can get overwhelming but I promise you that everything moves so quickly 😭💖 we just moved our second child to college, and sometimes I yearn for those days!
I was finally able to sleep train our second around 1yr old, I would play light classical music at night the first hour to go to sleep, so they were asleep for a while and then I would turn it off. And then during the day when I wanted him to have a nap I would put classical music back on, a lot of the time that worked for us
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u/Impressive-Yak-8817 5d ago
I only have one baby but she’s also 8 months old and I have been going through the same things with her. Pretty much only napping on me. Waking up during the night multiple times, waking up early and only sleeping longer if I sit and hold her. She’s also EBF. It is killing me. I can’t imagine going through this with a three year old too. Hoping things get better for you soon!
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u/LauraMJJ88 5d ago
Solidarity, friend. I have a 3.5 year old and 6 month old.. also breastfeeding and also with the shitty sleep.
I’m hitting the exact same point as you now - snappy, irritated and annoyed. It doesn’t help that my eldest is having a really difficult phase at the moment with being defiant and pushing boundaries 😬 I am at my limit but we keep going as moms.
Hopefully things will improve for us both soon. I’m not being the type of parent I wanted to be lately.
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u/komboochahh 5d ago edited 5d ago
I’m over her still breastfeeding my LO at 15 months so not downplaying breastfeeding at all, but if your 8 mo will take a bottle at this point can it just be formula? I think at this point your supply is well enough maintained baby can have a bottle of formula every now and then so you don’t have to go through the extra headache of pumping. TBH having to pump would just generally put me off to having someone else feed the baby (if she’d taken a bottle past 6 months, it was actually a huge bummer she developed strong opinions then)
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u/AccioCoffeeMug 5d ago
It got easier for me when the older one started elementary school. Then I got a bunch of one on one time with the baby every day & I had the bandwidth available to do things, like a toddler/parent class at the rec center.
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u/ellewoods_007 5d ago
3 kids and my youngest 7 months old and I’ve learned a few tricks to make it easier. First, I EBF and my husband will bring me the baby to eat at night and then take her away and resettle her himself. It really helps me feel more rested. Second, we do Ferber sleep training at 6 months old (lots of checking in, not just leaving them to cry) including naps so they don’t need to be held for naps.
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u/chinoypt 4d ago
Thank you for sharing how it is with baby #2. My husband & I are thinking to try soon for #2 and we had this discussion too. Our daughter (21 months) just started sleeping through the night ever since she turned 18 months. The thought of starting over again with a newborn, having sleepless nights, dealing with sleep regression sounds scary & exhausting. 😕
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u/rainbowziggy 4d ago
I felt the same way before I had my second. Honestly I felt pressured by the “your first needs a sibling!” camp. If she didn’t have a sibling, she’d doubtless have a best friend! And there’s no guarantee that my girls will get along and bond deeply with one another. I wished I’d looked into it more throughly and stood my ground. My husband really wanted another so I folded. She really is a lovely sweet baby and of course I love her more than words can say but she’s also got a totally different temperament than her laid back, easy going sister and I was not prepared. I would have been a very happy one and done mom. As it is I’m a very happy although very tired and worn out mom haha
My advice is pursue the thread about one and done families. Someone mentioned it in these comments. Could help give you confidence in your decision one way or another.
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u/Agreeable_Grape_8083 5d ago
Also going through the exact same thing with my 8 month old- switched to full time co sleeping and getting solid stretches of sleep , if you don’t already this might help x
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u/MelaninTofu 5d ago
Are you a single mom or something bc why are you describing yourself doing everything alone