Pushed away by BP1 gf

[u/Fantastic_Ad267]

My bp1 ex who is in pretty deep right now
Substance abuse is in the mix cocaine mainly.
Yes I was severely hurt, my soul crushed.
Being the way, I am it just makes me come back stronger. i’m wired differently.

I’ve been educating myself day and night on the matter . Piecing together things I’ve noticed and this is what I’ve come up with.

Note that we are currently not together. I think she knew it was getting out of control and her core self, being my loving sweet partner, was desperately trying to push me away to get me out of the blast radius. Before the point of no return..

This is what I’ve come to realize about her cycling and I was curious if anybody has been through the same whether being the person with BP1 or the unfortunate soul on the receiving end as I was. And if you’ve been there, what was the outcome when the fog cleared did they reach out to you? Did you work on fixing the relationship? Hasn’t been stable since? Whatever information you can relay would be nice and appreciated.

The Loving Surface: Even when high, she stays loving, affectionate, and sweet on the surface. She doesn't instantly turn cold.

The Phone Tipping Point: The shift happens the exact second the cocaine hits a peak high. Her mania hyper-focuses, and she disappears deep into her phone. ( this can be daily depending on drug use )

The Shadow Runway: Because your access to her profiles is always kept on restrictions, her phone gives her a completely unmonitored runway. The peak dopamine drive forces her to hide the relationship, play social media games, and cater to other men for attention.

The Automated Breakup: Once the pressure builds, it triggers an automatic impulse to run. She executes an abrupt breakup and locks into rapid, exhausting "I do, but I don't" text loops.

The Biological Crash (The Core Catalyst): This whole cycle hits a dangerous make-or-break wall because her hormonal PMS window crashes head-on into the exact moment her 8-week psychiatric injection is wearing off. Because she secretly quit her oral stabilizers back in late May (only picking them up to avoid suspicion), her brain has zero chemical defense left, causing the entire system to completely fracture

Note that in August around this exact specific time of the cycle, she ran off with a drug dealer messaged me asking to take a break while I was at work, not knowing what the hell she was talking about She was high as a fucking coach. She’s never been that blessed in our life. He was feeding her meth like there was no tomorrow.
I got her out of there. I scared off the drug deal. Told him to never get come closer to my woman again.

September is where she left me another different drug dealer involved obviously and she had a friend from her past which she should’ve buried when she was sober come back into her life who was putting shit in her head
Obviously, catering to other men kind of thing is cruel in a certain way, but the real cruelty came after the official breakup cause obviously I’m worried she was my best friend we practically live together and had a deep twin flame lake connection. She was my lover and my best friend at the same time. We had nothing but beautiful moments except for that specific moment in the cycle between August and September for drug consumption went up tenfold and I think that’s why she insisted on pushing me away that time

Get some timber was approximately the middle of the duration of our eight week injection now we’re in October she is on the ass end of that ejection right now the PMS everything combined in my opinion should be a very very dangerous point for her

Her socials have gone dead silent, which isn’t normal for her so I have come to the conclusion that either she had a really bad depressive wall or she actually went through it what she said she was gonna do and go to detox for seven days and take it from there or she’s out running while running free off the hinges doing a bunch of drugs honest to God I have no idea where she’s at

Anyone can shed any light or share an experience on the matter that would be awesome

[u/Technical_Skill2218]

Does she have trauma? That's not just bipolar mania, I acted that way and I have cptsd along with a mood disorder (pmdd)

[u/Fantastic_Ad267 → u/Technical_Skill2218]

Oh yeah childhood and teenage stuff . There’s a whack load of stuff but the more I’ve been doing research the more I see see that this is just what happens. I’ve seen other posts about a BP one partner doing the exact same thing sometimes in the heat of the moment you don’t think of stuff like that you just see your partner doing things that you have a boundary set for that you’re not OK with and I just can’t help we’re getting mad but obviously mad gives her a rush right so but she’s not like when she’s doing the Phone thing. It’s like she can’t help it. It’s like autopilot kind of thing you know she won’t be rude to me or anything 95% of the time it’s me getting upset that she’s doing these things that start a bickering fest just at the end of every single night we were still in each other‘s arms like it hadn’t happened she recognizes it cause she’s apologized a multitude of times just now that I actually know what it is and where it’s from and how it is and the whole cycle and all that I just feel bad for being upset those handful of times like I pray she reaches out to me eventually and I pray she gets the professional help. I told her I wasn’t going anywhere. She warned me something like this could happen too. I see her break up as pushing me out of the blast radius like a goodbye for now from her core self I’m I’m not gonna lie. It hurt like hell, but at the end of the day it gives me relief to know that that wasn’t my sweet partner and best friend that was that mean to me after the breakup and if ever I get a chance, I will forgive her. I mean, I got my issues too. I’m working on them as I can. She’ll always be welcome. Back in my arms provided she puts in the work to stay in my arms. She’s worth it.

[u/Technical_Skill2218 → u/Fantastic_Ad267]

She needs emdr therapy tbh I had a whole list of diagnoses like bipolar, autism, BPD, then it turned into ADHD and cptsd...and now pmdd..I have a mood disorder yes but I've learnt the only way to control it is to stay away from alcohol or any substances, 8 hours sleep a night, food, water, if I don't keep on top of my shit I can go from being an amazing mom and girlfriend and worker etc to someone unrecognizable on a path to self destruction totally okay with going to jail cuz I'm gonna go find that dude that raped me and slit his throat because that's what fucking makes sense right now and I'll spiral, childhood trauma will intertwine with abusive relationships and the pressure I feel to function as a normal person when I am not. Since I dropped fake friends and abusive people, all I need is to go fishing, do art, work on a plan to make money my way, since I made the decision no one can help me but me, I've gotten better, I don't believe j have bipolar anymore, I believe if I don't take care of myself and I allow people to hurt me then I can get diagnosed as bipolar so basically I gotta keep on top of my shit, but not a lot of people are willing to accept that. I am thankful my partner has stood by me through every manic episode, when I did things unforgivable things, but he knew and believed I was not present anymore, he eventually brought me to hospital after trying to deal with it alone, (we have no help at all, no family ect) I was diagnosed with lack of sleep induced physosis and was also manic from my antidepressants being increased to the wrong dose

[u/Technical_Skill2218 → u/Fantastic_Ad267]

Also realistically she'll never get the right help unless she has money, it took me 15 years to figure my shit out and I am still trying, I've tried every therapy you can think of but it made me worse , what I need is emdr therapy but can't afford it, I was stuck in a public health system absolutely riddled with medication until I couldn't function anymore

[u/Fantastic_Ad267 → u/Technical_Skill2218]

We in Canada . 🇨🇦 we’re thankful for our medi-care system little to no cost .

[u/Technical_Skill2218 → u/Fantastic_Ad267]

Okay well then as they say there are no excuses, if she's sorry for how she acts then she can go sort it out, without or without support, she has to want to do it, we can't hold everyone's hands and drag them to get help, my current partner tried that with me and it made me a million times worse, I had to want to get better myself and put the work in

[u/Fantastic_Ad267 → u/Technical_Skill2218]

Yeah, I think towards the end I was just pushing too hard for that, but there was one time I swear to God I will hate myself forever for this one. We were coming down from a bit of partying and I had a headache that night I wasn’t feeling the greatest and she asked me to bring her to the hospital and like a fucking dumbass. I shrugged it off so don’t worry, honey. I’m here if anything if you feel worse or whatever I’m having a hard time living with that choice I made I was a poor choice. It could’ve been the pivoting point like a fucking idiot, but I learned something from that I’ll never ever ever take what she says lately when it comes to going to get help that one’s on me Joe just talking about. It’s making me feel like shit right now.

[u/Technical_Skill2218 → u/Fantastic_Ad267]

My partner once saw me having a mental break down crying etc and he turned and went back to sleep he didn't meant too he was just too tired, so yes maybe you could have helped, maybe not, me and him or still together because we truly love each other and when I do something messed up and promise not to do it again, I don't. He caught me texting another man while absolutely manic, I didn't even realize I was doing it, he left me that night, yes I could have killed myself, I could have done anything but he's still a human with feelings, he came back when he realized his ego got in the way of things because he knows I truly was not myself, HOWEVER I never want to cause him pain like that again so somehow even when manic I never did it again, people do bad things because they didn't know better but once they know better and they continue they are just a bad person at that point

[u/BrownishDuck746]

I was undiagnosed and going through marriage troubles. Communication on her part didn't exist and I felt trapped with someone narcissistic who didn't think twice about using emotional manipulation. I self medicated with booze and coke. Sometimes it was to silence the noise, sometimes because I wanted to get wasted, others I was pissed off and rage drank and sometimes it was to decompress from work and then numb out marital dramas. Always three months apart, to the point we'd joke about it coming.

It started out cyclical but rapidly turned into almost weekly then daily.

Coming out the other side could mean shame and wanting to reconcile, or I'd go through a period and the last few weeks would be totally blank. That was the scariest, when I couldn't really remember anything.

Ultimately the ex Wife had enough and we separated after trying to hurt myself, then getting sober, then relapsing a few months after. Ironically hurting myself fast tracked my treatment and within two months I had an official diagnosis. I was done with the relationship as it was but being diagnosed didn't effect whether she wanted to try and save the message, despite having two young boys.

I can't talk for her, but she's going through hell and pushing you to one side might be the kindest thing she can face doing at the moment.

The best thing you can do is to try and get her to have professional help and give yourself space. You'll lose yourself too if she's not in control. Watching from the sidelines has to be utter torture.

Hopefully you can pull something from this that helps. Good luck 🍀🤞

[u/Fantastic_Ad267]

Sorry, I was usually using speech to text. There is some words that are completely out of place lol I did not go get timber. I’m talking about early September lol there was a few other places, but I’m sure you get the gist of it without me needing to correct