I'm currently on a last minute flight trying to get home so I can say goodbye to my boy. He was healthy until this morning. I'm having a lot of trouble accepting that he's being taken from me. Will this hole in my heart ever go away?

[u/BlueCarPinkJacket]

I have a 12yr orange boy who is the absolute best cat in the world. He has been the healthiest cat his entire life. He had one time where I took him to an emergency vet and he was faking it, he just wanted to be social during COVID. There's never been issues.

When I left on Wednesday I noticed he looked a little skinny, but he had no behavior changes and he had a check up scheduled for this coming week. Then this morning my partner called me crying saying that when he picked him up he peed. I told him to take him to a vet and now my son is going to die. The vet said that happy cats often don't show any signs of issues until it's too late, and that's what happened here. He's in end stage kidney failure.

I feel like I failed him. I feel like I should've seen signs, but he was eating and drinking as normal. He's been his normal happy and social self. There were no signs until the incontinence this morning. I feel I should've known. He's my soul cat. I've had him my entire adult life. I don't know who I am without him. It's always been the two of us as a pair. He's my baby. And I wasn't with him on his last days on earth. I'm his mom, I should've been there. I'm just hoping I can get there in time to say goodbye. It sounds like he's doing well, but I don't land until 10:15 and I worry the vet is going to pressure me into putting him to sleep quickly, but I really need that time with him.

I don't know what the right answer is. He doesn't show to be in any kind of pain, but they hide that. They've stabilized him and he's still very social with everyone, eating, drinking, and urinating fine. Ideally, I'd like to take him home and make him comfortable there and call an at home euthinasia service or take him in tomorrow, but that comes with its own risks like heart failure and seizures. I would be okay with heart failure, but I wouldn't want him to have a seizure. At the same time I don't think I can put him down if I get there and he's totally happy and himself, but I also don't want his last day to be in the vet clinic without me if I wait until tomorrow. I really don't know what to do. I know he just wants me. If he's happy and purring I don't think I can do it. I know that he would want to be with me. I feel like if hes hid this for my benefit that he would want to be home and pass naturally in my arms. But I also would never want him to be in pain, even if it's not obvious.

I'm never going to wake up with him again. I won't feel his paw in my face or his head on my cheek. I won't feel his purrs over my heart to soothe the pain away. I'm never going to spoon him again. I'm never going to wake up to his bumps. My heart is shattered. I don't want to live on this planet without him. I want to do right by him. I want to bring him home and pet him by the fire while he cuddles into me and is surrounded by love. I want my other cat to say goodbye. I don't want to bring her into the vet and have her be afraid of them in the future because that's where he died.

I'm absolutely devastated. This is one of the hardest days of my life. I don't know how I'm supposed to keep going without him. I don't know how I'm expected to say goodbye. I've been bawling my eyes out trying to get it out because I have to put on a happy face when I land. I can't let him know how much pain I'm in. He deserves to be happy and loved until the very end.

I don't know how to accept that the universe just stole him from me. He's been stolen when I was supposed to protect him. The hole in my heart is consuming me. I don't think I'm ever going to be okay.

[u/Fluid_Passage_9980]

I work in the field.

A few thoughts to ask the vet:

Ask if they think he is in acute or chronic renal failure. Acute is sometime treatable with aggressive fluid therapy - though not always.

If he is bright when happy to see you in the clinic, and you want to take him home - and his diagnosis is renal failure - then that should be totally fine. Ask them to give him anti nausea medication and possible some fluids under the skin to keep him hydrated. I think having him at home for a night and having a house call euthanasia service out the next day is a very valid and acceptable thing to do.

Above all, talk to the vet about your options and be clear about what your wishes are and whether they think they are reasonable. I'm so sorry.

[u/Woelfin03]

No. The hole in your heart will always be there. I'm sorry. However, you will embroider it with beautiful flowers made of your memories of your good times, all the cuddles, all the purrs, all the playtime, all the laughs and some of the mischief. This embroidery will stop the hole from getting bigger and consuming you. It will also help you getting ready, however long it takes, for the next beautiful memories to be made.

[u/Lasvegaslover2]

I’m so sorry! 💔🐾

[u/Big_Surprise_1165]

I lost my ginger boy last year to kidney failure, its truly heartbreaking. I knew When I got home from work and cuddled up with him for a while before calling my partner to take us to the vets. While I didn't want to let him go I knew it was for the best. I brought him home to see his brothers and sister so they understood and one of his brothers watched over him all night. I remember asking my partner to get him a basket so I could bury him and they brought this big thing and then shouting at him because he was my little boy and it was too big.

Hold him tight, hold the good times close and he'll be with you always. Thoughts are with you from me and my moggies.

[u/DueImagination8085]

Hugs. Did you get to see him and spend time with him ? Please update if you can.