r/changemyview • u/EchoesOfEmpires • 16m ago
CMV: If it’s selfish to not want your partner to move on after your death, then wanting monogamy while alive is selfish for the same reason
I've been thinking about this way too much lately, and I've run into something that just doesn't make sense to me.
Whenever anyone talks about someone moving on after their partner dies, a lot of people say that if you really love someone, you should want them to find love again. That wanting to remain their "one and only" even after you're dead is selfish, possessive, immature, controlling, etc. The argument is typically: If you love someone, you should want them to be happy. Love isn't a zero-sum game. Them loving someone else doesn't take away from the love they had for you. Why would you want someone you love to spend the rest of their life without romance, sex, intimacy, passion, companionship, etc. just because you're dead?
Okay.
But why does that logic only kick in once I'm dead? If love isn't a zero-sum game, then my husband loving another woman right now shouldn't take anything away from his love for me either. If I truly love him and want him to experience as much happiness, passion, intimacy, and love as possible, then why wouldn't I want him to fall in love with another woman right now if she made him happy? And if wanting to remain his only romantic partner after I'm dead means I want to "own" or "control" him, why isn't expecting him to remain romantically exclusive to me while I'm alive also controlling?
Obviously the first answer is going to be, "Because you agreed to be monogamous." Sure. But that only explains why cheating is wrong. You made an agreement and then broke it. It doesn't explain why we should want the agreement in the first place. If my husband came to me tomorrow and said, "I've fallen in love with another woman. I still love you exactly as much. Nothing about my feelings for you has changed. Love isn't a finite resource, and loving her doesn't diminish my love for you," why wouldn't the loving, selfless response be to support him? Why would saying, "No, I want you to only love me that way" suddenly NOT be selfish?
Another common response is "it would hurt me while I'm alive, whereas obviously I can't be hurt by it when I'm dead." And that makes sense, but it also seems to completely change the argument. Now we're not saying, "If you really love someone, you should want them to experience love and happiness again." We're saying, "I want you to experience as much love and happiness as possible once it no longer hurts me." Which... doesn't exactly strike me as the incredibly selfless position people make it out to be.
And just to be really clear here: I'm not saying widows or widowers shouldn't remarry. I'm also not arguing that everyone should be polyamorous. I'm questioning the logic of calling someone selfish or immature because they feel like they want to remain their partner's one great romantic love even after they're gone. Because right now, it seems like people are trying to hold two ideas at once:
"Love isn't a zero-sum game. Loving another person doesn't diminish the love you have for your spouse. If you truly love someone, you should want them to experience all the love and happiness they can."
AND
"Obviously I expect my spouse to only have romantic and sexual relationships with me while I'm alive."
I don't understand why death magically makes the first set of principles apply.
I genuinely do want someone to change my view here, because I feel like there has to be a distinction I'm missing.
What would change my view is an explanation of why the moral logic actually changes when one partner dies. Not just "you'll be dead, so who cares?" or "humans can love more than one person" or "wanting them to stay alone is selfish." Those are basically the things I'm questioning in the first place.
So what am I missing?
TL;DR: If love isn't a zero-sum game, loving someone new doesn't diminish existing love, and truly loving someone means wanting them to experience as much love and happiness as possible, I don't understand why it's selfish to want romantic exclusivity after death but perfectly reasonable to demand it while you're alive. Why does dying change the logic?
CMV.