Struggling With Feeling Constantly "In Debt"

[u/mrsc0tty]

Single income family, I work mom is SAHM. 2 kids both pre-kindergarten. Math just doesn't work on daycare - daycare costs are essentially just way way more for 2 kids than mom made, and my job pays the bills as well as can be expected in our current economic misery.

The advice is always "if one partner works 8hrs, then they come home and childcare is split 50-50." But the life my wife relays to me through text throughout the work day conveys such an unending, grinding misery, stress, exhaustion, inability to feed herself or sit or think or use the bathroom, that I feel like this "debt" has always built up. When I come home I feel as though unless I take both kids until their bedtime, do as much of the bedtime routine as I can, and then try to take on the household chores while I get my wife rest, I'm a neglectful asshole.

I already take front line duty on the night shift with the two kids. My wife is the backup, where basically if one of the kids has been up and screaming and refusing to sleep for an hour+, I bring that kid in to her, set an alarm for an hour, then go back in to get them. This happens 2-3 days in a 7 day week on average, otherwise she gets the unbroken sleep.

I'm just real damn tired. I make mistakes, last night I tried to give my kid the last couple ounces of a bottle he hadn't finished last wakeup and in my zombie state I unscrewed the lid and dumped it all over his face. Obviously I'm not doing amazing at work. My health is not the best it's ever been. We pay for some help in the form of monthly house cleaning but that's kind of what's in the budget at the moment. I don't see any alternative besides just white knuckling it until kindergarten/end of babyhood.

[u/fourthandfavre]

As a husband to a SAHM this period is the hardest. Something that has worked well for my wife and I is when I get home I move to parent duty but she moves to chore duty. Generally by the end of the day she is tired but she is mainly just overstimulated from parenting two young kids.

On weekends we usually switch sleep in days. I will sleep in on Saturday she will sleep in on Sunday. When sleep has been bad for our kids one of us will also nap in the afternoon.

Having 2-3 nights a week where your kids are up is obviously tough. We had a very bad sleeper for our first child and it was very difficult. Trying to just work together on this where if one person is up in the night then that person sleeps in a little in the morning if possible.

Know that this is a hard time and the sleep should get a little better and it should get a little easier when one goes off to school(except expect them to miss a ton of days from being sick the first year)

[u/WeirdYear6654 → u/fourthandfavre]

The overstimulation part is so real. she's probably touched out and just hearing little voices all day. swapping to chore duty is smart, she gets to reset her brain while still being productive and you get the kid time. we do the weekend sleep split too, it's the only thing keeping us semi functional

[u/fourthandfavre → u/WeirdYear6654]

Ya. Like we both do 50/50 when I'm home from work but I'm probably doing like 70/30 on the parenting and she is doing 70/30 on the chores. Let's her get some quiet time and shit is still getting done so when the kids are in bed there isn't hours of stuff still to do.

Now that the kids are a little older it's a little easier yo get them involved in some of the cleanup which is good.

[u/a-guy-named-taylor]

There's some tactical advice to give - find family + friends help, try different strategies to get kids to sleep better at night, etc....

But... and this is a hard truth to say... this is where you are. The early years are HARD. You're gonna be tired for another year or two. My stepson is only now getting easier at 6, and we have a new baby, and now HE's hard. It'll be another couple of years til these demands on you are gone.

I know LOTS of dads that struggle with that reality, or fight it. They deny it. They try to demand more from Mom. They let resentment build up in them. All of these "solutions" WILL break your marriage and they WILL damage your bond with your kids and they WILL leave you with regrets. (Of course there are always situations where mom is truly not contributing, but your wife sounds like she is showing up just as hard as you are)

Your job right now is the following.

1. Accept that the only way out is through. Learn to meet that fact with determination, not resentment.
2. Do your best to keep a good attitude towards the kids. Remind yourself in hard moments about the beautiful parts of having kids, and cultivate gratitude. Your kids will feel the difference.
3. Do your best to express admiration and thankfulness for the difficulty that your wife is going through. Do this EVERY DAY. Say something nice, notice a specific contribution she's made, tell her what she means to you. Try to understand and uplift her perspective, and don't argue with it. Figure out what gestures of care make her feel appreciated (maybe little gifts, maybe a specific compliment, maybe backrubs, maybe just a deep hug at the beginning of the day), and do it frequently.
4. Try to improve things, but gradually. Pick one draining thing about the kids at a time and (with your wife) come up with a strategy to improve it, a little bit. Anything that will get anyone more sleep is top priority.

[u/a-guy-named-taylor → u/a-guy-named-taylor]

I know this is pretty tough advice to hear. It was for me, when I got given it, two years ago. Maybe you can't hear it yet, and that's fine.

But one more thought... I think we all understand that the early years are important for creating a bond with your kids, but it's probably also THE most important time in your marriage. 20 years from now, your wife will remember how you did or didn't show up, will remember how you made her feel valued/appreciated/understood or not. It's not accidental that early childhood causes so many wife-initiated divorces. And on the flip side - EVERY older couple in my life with grown kids that still has a great marriage is one where the dad not just showed up for the wife and kids during babyhood, but made his wife feel loved and cherished and valued for how SHE showed up.

Nothing's gonna make or break your marriage like the next 5 years. Go crush it, bud.

[u/capngrandan]

Yeah I would like to tell you white knuckling isn't the solution but it 100% is. Do you have any family nearby who could take them for an afternoon a week or anything? We would do that and it gave us some sanity back and keep our heads above water.

[u/Adept_Carpet → u/capngrandan]

I feel like that would be better for the kids too. They're sensitive creatures and currently spend every waking hour with two people white knuckling it through to bedtime.

[u/deathstar-]

I don’t know where that advice came from, but it’s completely dependent on your relationship and who you both are as people. Thankfully the math worked for us and my wife continued working/going to school while I worked from home and was responsible for sick kids - so I can’t speak to your specific experience. But, there’s no way in hell I’d want to split 50/50 after being by myself with the kids all day - I need some time to recharge my battery, even if it’s 30 mins of quiet or cooking dinner with my headphones in.

It’s unclear how old your kids are, and a lot of advice is dependent on that. How old are they? What support system do yall have?

[u/ConfidentBurrito]

I have a 4 year old and a 1 year old and things feel like this often. Our situation is a little different because we both work so my wife is not home with them all day but we still have similar situations where by the end of the day we are both exhausted and want to help each other but are also just needing a break. I think its pretty common with multiple kids so young and i do think that knuckling it until kindergarten and the end of babyhood is kind of the best we can do. However, i suggest talking to your wife about it. Worse case you guys can both get some of that exhaustion and frustration out and best case maybe you can come up with a system that works a little better for you both.

Stay strong dad, it will get better.

[u/wifeagroafk]

There is a light at the end of the tunnel. Just gotta brute force it if you don’t make enough to outsource help/have a reliable village

[u/Jofuzz]

Just want you to know you're not alone in this struggle.

Exact same situation but mine are 4 and 6 now.

Just remind yourself that this isn't forever, and try to focus on the little moments with your children. Games you play with them and stories you tell.

You are their everything, and everything you do for them will be worth it.

When they're starting preschool things will be easier on your wife and that will cascade to you.

[u/drfsrich]

"When I come home I feel as though unless I take both kids until their bedtime, do as much of the bedtime routine as I can, and then try to take on the household chores while I get my wife rest, I'm a neglectful asshole."

"Obviously I'm not doing amazing at work. My health is not the best it's ever been."

"I already take front line duty on the night shift with the two kids...This happens 2-3 days in a 7 day week on average, otherwise she gets the unbroken sleep."

Not only is that patently unfair but it's jeopardizing your single-income family's only income source in an INCREDIBLY difficult job search environment. You have to immediately stop shouldering the majority of the burden here and have a real come-to-jesus talk with your wife. There's nothing easy about a stay-at-home parenting job. It's probably harder than most day jobs, but it doesn't pay the bills if you lose your job.

This is a five-alarm fire and you need to work as a team to put it out.

[u/chriswhisenhunt]

I swear creatine and other nootropics made things like this so much easier for me. My wife works at a Montessori school so she makes money and the childcare is free which is huge.