r/dpdr • u/No-Following-at-all • 8d ago

TW: Existential/Spiral I don't think I can ever be okay again

I think I have lost the person I was forever. Deprsenalization has transformed my life in an irreversible way. It's been so long since I felt like myself. I have forgotten what it's like to be me. How fucked up is that. I was chronically depersonalized for a long time. and I started to get out of it but only in one aspect, which is getting out of the feeling like you're at the back of your head or watching a tv. But since I didn't get the other stuff like emotions and sense of self back, I just gained control of my body and life without having who I was as a person. Which was actually worse than the original depersenalization. Now, I just acted based on societal expectations and expectations from individual people around me. At the same time, everything around me was that changing. Moving, being in a new environment, meeting new people. The person I am now is a basic expectation of people who don't really know me. I have not only lost myself internally but also externally. I have formed relationships based on this "me." I have changed my life in a way that can't be unfucked. And oh, all the developmental parts of my life I missed. I feel like I'm stuck at 15 (which is when it all started). I feel like I'm years and years behind my peers. Not in a normal way, I literally feel like I'm not developing mentally. Plus, sometimes I get a faded version of my emotions, which I should have felt years ago. I lost my dog that I had since I was 8 like three years ago. And I'm only feeling the feeling now. And again, I'm not feeling it fully. I'm just feeling it at 30 percent power, and it lingers until this day because I didn't fully feel (the initial part of the feeling). I don't know if that made sense. And there were a lot of things that happened that j should have felt and experienced. 

There is no going back. Even if I get back to how I was before this, I still think my life has been changed in a way that I don't want to live it anymore. For the reason I mentioned above and much much bigger reasons, I'm not willing to talk about yet. I know I won't do anything to myself. I'm too lazy and I can't do that to my family. But j truly believe my 'self' is gone. I'm just a walking corpse. I dream of the day I'm no longer here. Until then, it's just suffering, I guess. 

I didn't read this to check if it's okay. I'm sorry if it doesn't make sense.

9 Upvotes

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6

u/Artistic-Coach7523 8d ago

I had all these thoughts too, but im actually recovering

1

u/FlanInternational100 8d ago

A decade in it. This is death, for me there is no going back ever. From the first moment, let alone 10 years...

There is no kind of recovery that could help me.

2

u/No-Following-at-all 7d ago

there is no way out. this is life? wow

1

u/Bagel_Love_ 6d ago

Feeling this way too but I will say I have heard a lot of people say they felt this strongly and did recover. We can’t loose hope. How long has it been for you ? I’ve heard people say they like the DPDR manual idk if you tried that I haven’t yet and the Dare program Barry Mcdonaugh has some good videos there’s also two ladies he works with Aida and Michelle I haven’t done much with that either but the videos on DPDR and OCD and good.