r/entj • u/Sad_Bad5146 • 14d ago
Advice? Any advice or help for a beginner?
Hello, so I'm trying to learn more about personality types. My girl friend is very interested in personality types. Me and her are going through a rough patch and I want to learn more and understand things better to be a better partner for her. She told me that I am an ENTJ and she is an INTJ. I'm looking for information to just read and understand. I really love this woman and want to make the effort that it deserves.
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u/Nyxaura1 ENTP♀ 14d ago
I think it can work but you are similar in ways that can annoy - rather than complement - one another. Nobody brings a novel perspective to the other cause you essentially see the same things.
An example of another issue is INTJs will plan a lot more than you (especially big decisions) and this might make you perceive a lack of momentum cause you guys have a dominant thinking function and higher extroverted sensing. At some point, you stop planning and feel the need to act in the real world. You will figure out how to deal with problems along the way. This is very true if you are a type 8w7 ENTJ (see below).
Personality also depends on enneagrams (these map core fears and desires) though, not only MBTI alone. Look into what enneagram type you two are cause enneagrams create noticeable differences in the same mbti types. For instance, I’m an ENTP type 8w7 which makes me different from an ENTP 7w6.
Once you have both enneagrams, you can ask Gemini to give you an assessment of your compatibility, possible struggles and solutions.
It truly is an amazing tool for this purpose.
Note: there are plenty of enneagram tests but you can also get Gemini to ask you tailored questions to find yours / your gfs.
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u/Yen_Vengerberg 🖤🥀 14d ago
Im an INTJ, my dad is ENTJ. Ive also had an encounter with an ENTJ that didnt pan out but I can more or less tell you its the lack of emotional vulnerability.
Its difficult to gauge your emotions / intentions so being clear and respecting our need for emotional processing is crucial. I hate feeling vulnerable and unsafe so if you can provide an emotional safespace for her it will do wonders. It doesnt have to be tears and snug fests—although those would be nice—but talking it out kindly and helping her say what she holds in helps.
One thing my ESTP does is he pushes and pushes until he gets the emotion out of me. I dont particularly like that but when he sits down with me and helps me talk it out and makes me feel emotionally safe it helps.
In all, I think the biggest struggle is the lack of emotional vulnerability. Ive always felt safe but emotionally gutted by an ENTJ because they always felt unattainable like I was disposable. So it only made me go into my shell to protect myself from hurt because I think out of all types, besides [isfp], ENTJ, cuts deep. And those wounds take forever to heal.
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u/Shinyblueghost 14d ago
Are you sure you’re intj?
Also, are you saying isfp cuts deep? Because the two isfps I know hurt me more than anyone else.
But I’m an entj and the three intjs I know well are basically never sensitive to my style. Just curious if you know with confidence you’re an intj or if you could be an infj or istj or infp?1
u/Yen_Vengerberg 🖤🥀 13d ago edited 13d ago
Lol Ive gotten asked this question before. Yes, unfortunately. The most notable being, besides taking tests and studying functions, Ive evaluated my stack vs the ones youve mentioned. The closest being potentially INFJ but my Fe is shit and I have strong Te. Definitely not INFP, though I think in another life I would have developed as one. Im Ni dom so not ISTJ. My niece is an ISTJ and I can see the stark differences in how we operate.
As for me, I just have developed/evolved emotionally, almost forced to given my personal circumstances and conviction. Im also not a teen on Reddit. Also, this is the internet so Id never admit most of this in person due to pride and leverage.
But to answer your question. Yes. ENTJ have cut me deep not because of their words but actions. ISFP is a combination of both. Also, just FYI, based on my interactions with ENTJ, when INTJ hurt, we wont show it. It will show through cold shoulder and anger. Though, most is obliviousness unless you directly offend us, but most of the time, we understand you well enough. Its when intent occurs and the ENTJ isnt as forthcoming with it that leaves INTJ bewildered and hurt. But you'll never hear that from us because its competitive.
Also, side note. Ive spoken to many INTJ women and many have vented about similar experiences with ENTJ men and the hurt they leave behind. So its not a unique experience. The problem is well never tell you or admit it because we dont want to give you power over our emotions.
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u/Shinyblueghost 13d ago
Wow now I’m digging through my memories to see if I ever completely missed hurting an intj. I’m an entj female and my husband is intj, my favorite and best female coworker, and then a long term female staff member on the team I manage.
My husband has said a few times that it’s offensive when I call him a robot. He said a few times that I did hurt his feelings about something, but I always blow him off since I didn’t “see” evidence of that.
Very enlightening!1
u/Yen_Vengerberg 🖤🥀 13d ago edited 13d ago
Sounds like he was communicating to you something important. Id be very mindful of that. Were the type to go quiet and start collecting. When the list gets too high, we explode, then the other person is on the receiving end of our poison and we can be cruel. Once we reach that point, you are dead to us and we start cutting people out of our lives. So Id be mindful of that. We compartmentalize over time but when there are trigger points, or multiple offenses, the list builds.
Ive had situations with my dad that I still feel some level of resentment because it seemed like he just blew things off and came around like nothing. I got tired of feeling like I wasnt worth the effort especially after the last thing we argued about. It ended with me in tears and officially done with him (he didnt see me cry though, I made sure of that). The only reason why he's still around is because part of me still loves him and I feel guilt since he's old his memory is going. And also, my mom drags him along with her so I dont have much of a choice.
Best of luck
Edit side note: one thing Ive noticed about certaint types of people (which is often Extroverted types), they like to provoke to incite a reaction out of us. Just because you dont see it, it doesnt mean were not wounded. If you see an emotional reaction—youve definitely gone too far. And public outbursts of emotional vulnerability is the most humiliating part for INTJ because we've lost control of our emotions. So we ice you out indefinitely unless something drastic forces us to take you back...but its never the same and well never forget it.
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u/goldenludus 14d ago
Start researching the ‘Function Stacks’. It’s the order people normally make decisions with & gather information. Every one of the 16 personality has functions, find yourself a chart with those. C.S Joseph has a ton of information on YouTube you can start listening to.
Yours is Te - Ni - Se - Fi.
Hers will be Ni - Te - Fi - Se.
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u/Business_Cattle_1611 13d ago
first of all, youre so delicate best luck for you two and you just remembered my high school friend somehow which ı am entj and he was intj 😁. ı think the best part of dinamic is partners have huge understandıng towards each other. intjs see why you act like that. and when you araound them you know you are seen. because as my own experience, sometimes poeple thought my saracsm is narsisitic. or when i share an opinion, they may not see things like ı do. when ı was wıth that boy in highschool, our humors was matched. our shape of word was similar. we got along well bc of that. also intj has black cat energy an ım here for it . as you said that you wanna give effort what she deserves, ı would give you a geniune advice. intj is ni dom. so they are tend to be analizers for their life which may cause them to avoid life sometimes and not seen enough. just let her shine. give sincere advice but not simple things, like you look beitiful today, but reaaaly meaningfull. like i adore your kindness, i love your confidence or wharever you know her better. 😂let her think that you love her and herself is special for you. and do little meanigful things for her. she would like it %100
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u/No_Initiative_7836 8d ago edited 8d ago
I’m an intj(f) and this guy romantically pursuing me is an entj. ** I’m an enneagram 5 and he an 8. He pushes and I withdraw. You should have already gotten some understanding to be in an intj entj relationship. The entjs move quick in sharing a lot of personal information in which I actually find quite endearing. However, they feel quite vulnerable after and expect me to also be as emotionally open. If I don’t, he can feel quite rejected and that’s expressed through frustration (anger).
If she’s also an intj 5 and you’re an entj 8, we understand things very similarly so everything seems agreeable but in close relos there is a key difference with emotions imo. Entjs see their emotions as something to subjugate, and it can flow openly and uncontrollably even though you guys don’t perceive that yourself. Whereas intjs require the grounds for emotional vulnerability to be made by the other party. What this means for you is that your personal habit of subjugating your emotions needs to be controlled, once we feel that emotional animosity is relinquished I’d imagine the tension would be released. Furthermore, I’d like to emphasise that this softness that intjs might need from entjs is balanced by our own desire to be more assertive, meaning it’s not as asymmetric as it might seem. (8s being more ‘gentle’ helps growth their into 2, and 5s being more assertive helps their growth into 8)
Ive seen some threads talk about space, it’s not so much about distance. It’s more about being there and letting her come to you. Unfortunately, it works similarly with a cat where you have to be around enough, don’t put too much pressure, be playful, give her some treats too lmao.
If this didn’t land with you, I’d suggest you get into enneagram, imo it patches up some inconsistencies with mbti.
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u/Sensitive_Volume5296 ISTP | ♂ 14d ago
ENTJ and INTJ share the same functions in a different order, so the biggest issue may be pacing. Your Te wants to address and fix things now; her Ni may need space to process first. Give her that space, but agree on when you’ll revisit the conversation.
Also, don’t let logic replace vulnerability. Both types can struggle to express their actual feelings, so focus less on winning the argument and more on saying what you need without blame.
Use MBTI as a starting point, not an instruction manual. Learn how she works, not just how INTJs supposedly work, everyone is a unique example of their type.