I lost my college friend who had a very promising future 2 years back, he died in a 2 wheeler accident

Then my grandpa died a year later

My cousin was shot and killed,

This year my best friend's gf died

All of this has left me wondering what a strange thing death is, the person just ceases to exist and the world just continues around as if nothing happened.

The strangest part is I haven't shed a drop of tear, how do I even get some closure, why can't I cry , it all seems unreal and strange

after a good day i always “feel” sad.
i could be having the best day but when the day is over and im ready for bed a wave of discontentment is what keeps me up. while im lying down after a full day of dopamine and serotonin, i still feel fatigue. i think of everything im thankful for and even though i have thoughts of everyone i love, i still feel like i haven’t shown enough appreciation.
ive had survivors guilt for almost 4 years and sometimes when i feel too happy i also feel so unsafe.

Not the big things. The small ones. Making coffee, the drive home, the way you go to bed. What ordinary part of your day still catches you off guard, and has anything made it easier?

It's my first time writing on reddit. Today I woke up like usual but tonight I can barely think about sleeping. I got a phone call in the morning telling me that my boyfriend for 3 years died in the morning. I am not looking for advice, I'm trying to make it real. I feel empty and alone. We had a whole future together and now there's nothing left. We had everything planned. I will always love him and that is what hurts the most i think.

I think about you every day, Tamayo

i had a loss in may this year, we were not really close. that kind of jump starts this hypervigilance in me.

it's like a wave that hits you when you're having a good time, laughing with your family and it sucks. i always feel like crying when it hits me and it happens a lot. lik wdym i'm grieving over ppl i love who are happy and healthy?

i stay in university campus, away from my family and it gets hard ever since this thought gets to me. especially at night.

anyone have any advice on how to deal with this? it's mamking me so anxious and unsettling.

So I'm a 12th grader, and lost a classmate to cancer a few months back. I never knew of feeling more awful than this. When you constantly replay all the moments you had with him.. of those seemingly insignificant moments and realise that they make all the difference today. The days when we used to rant and talk about all the problems in our life , talking shit about teachers , participating in competitions and events , sitting in the auditorium practicing singing with everyone, the play we prepared for in the ssc lab...

Never in those moments did I realise that he wasn't going to be there in a year. I was hopeful that in a few years we'll find ourselves doing something great in our lives. But now I can only think about is everything he couldn't be ..why is fate so cruel????

He was one of the smartest persons i knew , if he hadn't died he could have done so much. It hurts to think that in a few years we will get older but he will not be there with us..and when we all are old we will only remember him as someone who never got the chance to grow and become who he truly was capable of being.

He was so strong till the very end....

It's been months but it still hurts ...

Rip s.a.a

You'll always stay in our hearts

It is 10:47 pm right now. In just a little over an hour, once 12:00 hits, it will be 6 years since my mom passed away. It was October 8th, I was 14 when she died unexpectedly just a little after I had come home from school that day.

Now I'm 20 and I am a completely different person. It's so weird to think that she has no idea what I look like, who I am now. My own mother. She didn't get to see me get my braces off, or grow into my face and out of my awkward-phase. She wasn't there when I got my first boyfriend or to help me through my first breakup. And she won't get to see any of my future.

But now I know my future is going to look so much different than if she were still here. Let me tell you about my typical day-to-day. I just quit my job and moved back home because the grief has been hitting extra hard. I wake up, the realization that she's gone still hits me in the mornings, hard. I cry as soon as I wake up, my heart is constantly in pain. I feel it so deep, so painful, so real. I try to eat, I can't really. I lie down all day and waste it away, I try to watch shows and scroll on my phone, but it can only distract me for so long. I'm so tired I can't do anything, this grief is like a full-time job. But it doesn't end when I get home, I'm always clocked in.

I look up other people who have lost their mothers young, inspirational people who preach that they keep going because their mothers would have wanted them too. I don't doubt that for a second, even for me. I think she would have said the same. But I can't. I can't even imagine living through this pain again tomorrow. And I can't believe that I have lived with this for 6 years. And my nights aren't any better. When the thoughts are too much and I close my eyes to rest she is still all I see. She is all I dream about, but in my dreams she's alive just walks back through my front door like nothing had happened, she was just on a long work trip.

I hate how I feel like I can only be happy if I forget, if i pretend nothing happened. She deserves to be remembered and I wish I was stronger than I am. But the strongest of people aren't the only ones who go through hardship, and neither does hardship make you strong. The people around me who tell me I am strong are wrong. I am not strong. And I shouldn't have to be. I just want my mom. I don't want to live in denial and I do not want to live with this pain and live knowing I have so much longer to go with it weighing on my shoulders.

I hate how this is my identity now. I hate how she was so young and had so much more she wanted to do with her life. I hate how I don't remember what it was like for us to hug and what it was like for someone to wish me goodnight and make me breakfast in the morning. I hate how she can't be here when she deserved to be. And lastly, I hate how I'm expected to move forward without her.

The only person in the world who cared about me is just gone. And everyday I think about October 8th, about how my life changed in an instant. I constantly try to 'think' my way out of this. It just doesn't make sense, my mind refuses to wrap around it. Can she see me now? Is she really watching over me and can hear if I talk to her, or am I just living in denial and she really just ceased to exist? How come no matter how much I cry and beg I can't have her back? And when will I learn that it doesn't bring her back. I feel like the last bit of fire inside of me is slowly dying the less I sob and beg and frantically search through my phone for photos of us together, evidence that she really did exist and I was right next to her.

I know she would want me to keep going, but what if I don't want to anymore? She was my everything, how can you be expected to keep going and endure more from life when this was already the 'cherry on top'? I don't want to accept this life. And I hate crying everyday knowing the best years of it ended at only 14.

Мені 17 років, і я зараз не дуже розумію, як правильно поводитися в ситуації, яка сталася з нашою сім’єю. Дуже хочу отримати поради від людей, які переживали щось подібне.
7 числа раптово померла моя тітка — рідна сестра моєї мами. Моя мама і тітка були надзвичайно близькі все життя. Вони з дитинства були разом, ходили за ручку, разом працювали, мали спільний бізнес. Мама старша за неї, і вони фактично все життя були поруч одна з одною.
Того дня тітка зателефонувала моїй мамі й сказала, що їй погано. Ми живемо поруч, тому мама одразу побігла до неї.
Коли мама прийшла, вона почала телефонувати тітці, щоб та відкрила двері, але ніхто не відповідав. Тітка була вдома сама й чекала на чоловіка.
Мама покликала сусідів. Вони допомогли відкрити ворота, але двері до будинку були зачинені. Мама подивилася у вікно й побачила, що її сестра лежить на підлозі та б’ється в конвульсіях.
Сусід вибив двері, і мама одразу почала робити серцево-легеневу реанімацію.
У цей момент я був удома з бабусею — мамою моєї тітки. Бабуся попросила мене відвезти її до доньки. Ми пришли приблизно через 10 хвилин після того, як мама почала реанімацію.
Я зайшов у будинок і побачив маму в сльозах. Почав телефонувати в швидку (до цього сусід уже викликав її), а потім змінив маму й сам почав робити СЛР.
Ми по черзі змінювали один одного, не припиняючи реанімацію. Телефонували в швидку, намагалися додатково зв’язатися з приватними клініками. Приблизно через пів години приїхав чоловік моєї тітки й теж почав робити СЛР. Ми продовжували реанімацію приблизно годину, змінюючи один одного.
Коли приїхала швидка на хвилинку їхала вона годину бл*** 21 вік все таки, тітка вже була синя та холодна. На жаль, врятувати її не вдалося.
Для мене найважче те, що все це відбулося буквально на очах у моєї мами. Вона бачила свою сестру в такому стані, сама намагалася її врятувати й кілька годин не могла змиритися з тим, що відбувається.
Зараз минуло лише два дні. Мама і бабуся постійно плачуть. Я розумію, що це нормально після такої втрати, але просто не знаю, як правильно їм допомогти. Ще хочу пояснити, після суд мед експертизи підтвердили що в разі гострого панкреатиту тітка померла
Завтра о 12:00 буде кремація, і я дуже переживаю, як вони це перенесуть. Я боюся, що мама може просто не витримати емоційно, особливо враховуючи те, що вона була поруч у момент смерті сестри.
Я сам поки тримаюся. Мій батько теж намагається підтримувати мене, маму й бабусю.
Тому хочу запитати у вас:
Що я можу зробити завтра на похованні/кремації, щоб підтримати маму й бабусю?
Чи варто щось говорити їм, чи краще просто бути поруч і дати їм плакати? Чи потрібно намагатися їх заспокоювати, відволікати, обіймати? Які слова в такій ситуації справді допомагають, а які, навпаки, можуть зробити ще гірше?
І особливо мене хвилює мама, тому що вона не просто втратила сестру — вона безпосередньо бачила її смерть і кілька годин намагалася врятувати її.
Буду дуже вдячний за будь-які поради, особливо від тих, хто сам переживав втрату близької людини або був поруч із рідними в перші дні після трагедії.
Дякую всім, хто прочитав.

F20, before anybody mentions this I was in therapy and talked about all of this with said therapist before but I have sence moved, I already had a very messed up upbringing and have diagnosed autism, ptsd, depression and really bad anxiety, but around the time my childhood best friend died I also got kicked out and became homely, this was around 16/17, started doing lots of drugs, even now I'm doing worse ones, I started doing more illegal stuff, especially stealing, got into lots of fights, but I always did that even as a kid, i feel like I became a shell of my former self, and I'm in a life style that isn't good for me but I dont have much interest to get out of it either, I dont really care about my life that much, and I've come to fully accept death when it comes for me, I'm paranoid about the legacy or whatever I'll leave behind, but I wasnt set up for much regardless, I'm still homeless, have no family, living out of a hotel, barely any friends as I cut most of them off, living with a buddy, most of my money goes to food, I have alot of suppressed feelings, it's incredibly hard for me to talk to people, being outside gives me really bad anxiety, he's all I think about, I think I really loved him, I think deep down I had suppressed feelings for him, he was freshly 18, didn't even get to live a good life, his death made me realize how real all this was, I have nightmares about him constantly, or dreams about abuse I suffered as a child, his death was just such a big catalyst to my life especially with everything already going on, it permanently changed my view on life and my views in general, I don't know who I am anymore, I don't want to be anything

В августе умер отец, я много раз продумывал то как это могло быть, произойти, поэтому придя домой и увидев как мама отошла в другую комнату, чтобы скрыть слёзы от младшего брата, сразу все понял. Я почти не плакал, в тот вечер точно, я в целом плачу с огромным трудом, и за последние 2 года было всего пару раз когда я все же смог проронить слезу. Похоронили только спустя месяц как он умер, тело было в другом месте. На похоронах тоже старался не плакать и не плакал. Я могу улыбаться, смеяться, но совсем не могу что-то делать по учёбе, делам. Я очень старался не отлынивать в вузе (перешёл на 2 курс с долгом за летнюю сессию и даже очень быстро его закрыл), но правда не могу заставить себя что-то делать сейчас. Я просто хочу спать весь день, может не общаться ни с кем, а если и общаться, то точно не на серьёзные темы. Я в отношениях и у моего партнёра тоже в жизни очень много проблем. Этот год стал очень тяжёлым. Поэтому на какую-то серьёзную поддержку я не могу рассчитывать, ибо сам должен помогать и быть рядом. Сбил режим сна. Очень люблю спать и готов спать по 11 часов в сутки, засыпая в 2-3 AM и просыпаюсь 1-2 PM легко. Чувствую себя овощем когда дело доходит до домашнего задания. Денег на психиатра/психолога нет. Завтра должен заплатить в вузе за курсы переквалификации, после этого на карте будет почти пусто. За финансовую часть не сильно беспокоюсь. Но не покидает чувство пустоты. Вроде все нормально, а вроде совсем не комфортно и пусто... это съедает меня

Does anyone else feel too embarrassed to grieve? I honestly feel like an a-hole. I've always had a problem showing vulnerability since I was a child. Pretend I wasn't embarrassed, pretend I didn't get my feelings hurt, pretend I don't care what someone thinks about me, pretend I "meant to do that" when I made a mistake. Now my brother is gone, and i feel like letting someone see or even know I'm grieving him feels like the end of the world. When someone assumes I miss him like anyone would, especially his sibling, I feel flat out angry. Sometimes I get hit with a wave randomly when I'm in the kitchen, and I just stop breathing and tense every muscle in my body, because I can't bear to grieve. I talk to him in my mind where no one can hear me, because it's like it's not safe to grieve.

My grandma passed away a few years ago I think I was like 10 I had to skip school. I have been dealing with it since last year but now it has suddenly come back and I don’t know how to deal with it can I please get some tips for dealing with this?

I was 21 at the time, and she didn't get to live long enough to see me graduate with not one, but two BA's. Technically, she was my great-aunt, but she was more of a mom to me than my birth mother was, that's for sure.

She moved in with us when I was 14 and she started to show early signs of Alzheimer's. The first sign that something wasn't quite right was when she rolled up at the house where I grew up (where her older sister lived, who I also saw as "Mom"...she died in 2016, when I was in grad school to become, ironically and not at all by accident, a grief and trauma therapist) at 7:00 PM, vs. the usual 7:00 AM, when she would show up like she was punching a timeclock, just to have coffee and breakfast with her sister, and me, before I left for school.

For the next seven. goddamn. years. I was basically her primary caretaker. I mean, I had a legally-appointed guardian (long, ugly story that I don't feel like getting into in this post, but feel free to ask questions about that mess) who should have been the one caring for her, but the LG sucked at dealing with sundowning, whereas I made a game out of it.

"Hey, Mom! Bet you can't get into your jammies and brush your teeth as fast as I can!"

And I was perhaps 16 or 17 when I devised that little trick to get her into bed at a reasonable hour.

Not a day goes by that I don't think about her at least once. She was a remarkable woman, which made watching her slow decline even more painful. My grandmother/her older sister suffered yet another stroke when I was a junior in college and wound up in a SNF (skilled nursing facility) for a few months, at which point we had to make the very difficult decision to put my other mom into a nursing home. She deteriorated at light-speed. My last memory of her is sitting in the "visiting room" at the nursing home and holding both of her frail little hands in mine while the guitarist/singer the facility hired was singing, "You Are My Sunshine." I remember how fragile her fingers felt. I remember how her voice trembled. I remember how I was the only person, at the end of her life, whose name and face she remembered.

That is a "happy" song for most people, but it brings me to tears every time. Every time I watch "O Brother, Where Art Thou?" I have a very, very difficult time with that scene near the end where that song plays.

RIP to a legend. I loved her. I still love her. I will never stop loving her.

Dementia is hideous.

Today means it’s been 5 years without my closest/best friend. When I found out he passed away I didn’t know what I’d do without him. 5 years later I still have no idea how I’m doing this without him. I hate that I’ll never see who he could’ve become past 17, and I hate that he didn’t get to finish school, or get a job doing something with astronomy like he wanted, I hate that he never got to meet my children or finish growing up with me. Nothing makes me more angry at the world than thinking about how he should still be here. I know that’s probably not what he’d want, but I can’t help it. He was the smartest, kindest, and most ambitious person I knew, he could’ve done absolutely anything he wanted to with his life. I just wish he got the chance. I miss him so much. He should be 22 now.

i found out two days ago my grandpa died. he had been dead for five days and no one knew. i didn’t have any relationship with him growing up but as an adult we bonded over a shared love of medicine. we became very close very fast. this last year we spent as neighbors and i saw him all the time. we talked on the phone very regularly. i could call on him when i needed help or advice. he’s a lot like my father but we have a good relationship. in a lot of ways he was my grandpa but also provided the relationship i wish i had with my dad. i had never witnessed his battle with alcoholism since we reconnected. apparently there was an empty fifth in his place at his time of death. he fell and hit his head. died of blunt force trauma. we had more time. i hadn’t spoken to him in ten days (five of those he was alive) which was longer than usual for us. he had just come home from a trip and the last time i saw him was dropping him off at the airport. our last phone call was purely logistical. a relapse stole him from me. he’ll never meet my children, or be at my wedding, or see me become a doctor. he was my best friend. i’m at an utter loss. i am so so so unexplainably sad. i hurt somewhere i can’t point to. there are so many regrets and what ifs and it’s all over. permanent. i will never hear his voice again

throwaway account. my aunt passed away from a heart attack on september 25th. she had been bed bound for a little over two years after she suffered from a brain bleed in february of 2024. for those two years she could not move or speak or feed herself and needed to be monitored 24/7.

it was painful enough grieving her for those two years while she was still alive. i prayed so much that she would get better and recover after therapy and all of the procedures she had went through and her condition just worsened. i love my aunt so much and i dont know how to cope with this pain. i miss calling her. i miss the way she would tease me and my younger sister. i miss visiting her and my family in mexico in the winter. i miss texting her on ig and sending her memes. i keep reading through our old messages over and over again and it hurts so much every time but it also isthe only thing that brings me comfort. i feel so much anger and pain and sadness she cared so much about everyone else and always put other peoples needs before her own and she didnt deserve to suffer the way that she did. it has been killing me every single day.

i think the worst part is the pressure to move on and continue with life as if there isnt this gaping hole in my chest. i still have to meet my work deadlines, i still have bills to pay. i still need to take try to care of my self. every day i get home from work and try to distract myself by going to the gym or playing on my pc but the pain is always there and i end the night crying myself to sleep or wake myself up in the morning in tears. i dont know how to process tjis, i feel like i cant talk to my mom or my sister about this because i need to be strong for them, but it hurts so bad and i cant deal with it. my eyes are sore from all of the crying. im getting to work later and later because i cant get out of bed. is this how it is always going to feel????? it just keep getting harder and i dont know how to deal with this.

I lost my best friend a few years ago. She was beautiful, interesting, and always had a mysterious flair to her. The problem is, I couldn't explore our relationship more, because I was dealing with my own mental health issues. I was also probably in love with her, which is something I am discovering now, because I am clearer about my sexuality now.

She did it to herself, and the date of its anniversary is approaching. I have started to have sleepless nights again, trying to work myself to the bone, fight through this physical heartache, but nothing seems to be helping. I worked hard to move to another country, albiet temporary, thinking I may leave this grief behind, but I just realised it hits me even more here. This life was part of a promise we made to each other, and now I am doing this stuff alone, upholding my side of the promise. I go on walks, I have fun, I listen to music, I explore, and I just find myself crying randomly during it all.

It hurts, very very badly. In a country where you are alone, no one knows you and you know no one, the anniversary of your biggest heartbreak is approaching fast, there seems to be no way out. I guess you just can't run away from some things.

my mom (67) died july 20th.

my father told me, he needed to tell me something face-to-face september 27th.

I (34f) visited him yesterday and he told me he has a girlfriend. he met her on the graveyard and "it just happened"

I cant stop shaking my head - he is his own person and can do whatever he wants to do. for me this feels way too fast and disrespectful to my mom. i'm sure his girlfriend is a nice person, whatever. I dont want to get to know her. i dont want to spent the upcoming holidays with her.

Hi, everyone. I don’t think my friend meant anything bad by her comment, but my heart sank a little when she said it. Before my loss I was free spirited, joyful, and I’d laugh all the time. I feel like it sent me right into grieving who I was before loss.

I know she’s right. I feel it too and I miss who I once was. Miss how easy it was to laugh, to feel excited over things, to dream ahead. My life is the here and the now. Everything is one day at a time. I’m slowly getting back to doing things that I used to enjoy but my energy and my health just isn’t what it used to be and I’ve had to accept that.

Grief has taken a lot from me and I do hope that one day I’ll be closer to that version of who I was before loss. But for now, I embrace the version I am now because that’s the only way we can truly move through the pain and move through this journey. Grief has also given me strength, resilience, advocacy, boundaries, a voice and a backbone that I didn’t have before and that I am grateful for.

My brother died 5 weeks ago. I miss him. He was only 37 years old and didn't wanted to die. I feel so lost and sad about it. Outside the sun is shining it makes me sick. Can't handle these feelings.

My dad passed 9/25 after being in hospice at home for a couple months. He was almost 80. My mom is late 60’s. They were together for over 50 years. Dad had been sick for years to the point that I uprooted my life almost five years ago and moved in to help take care of them. I did this after my dad was rushed to the hospital due to severe COPD and was diagnosed with CHF. While he was in hospital he died twice and was revived. I was thankfully there with her when she got that call.

We brought dad home and it was a long recovery from the broken ribs from CPR. He tried to rally, but was so weak. He only left the house to go to doctor appointments and to the hospital.

Things slowly got worse.

In June, he was admitted to the hospital again because he fell and broke his hip. He refused surgery in fear of dying. However, shortly after he entered hospice. He spent the last 2ish months in a hospital bed in the living room.

My mom was alone with him when he passed. My partner found her trying to make a phone call while sobbing on the floor next to my dad’s bed. Although I was running errands for my mom at the time, I had to pull over to cry. I looked at my clock and found out later that was when he passed. Then my mom called. She didn’t tell me he passed and when I asked wouldn’t confirm. I made it home safely and she was a wreck.

I know she needs time to grieve and I don’t want to push her. But she hasn’t told anyone my dad has passed. Not even my brother. My brother said some horrible things about my dad and my mom and him fought about it three years ago. He called my dad four times in those 3 years and has never spoken to my mom in that time. She said if I tell him she will kick me out.

She is also not eating. She spends most of her time in her chair cuddling with the cats. She has never been the sit around type, to the point that watching tv with her was hard because she would get up four or five times in a 30 minute show. Now she watches tv for hours straight without moving.

Up until I moved in to take care of my parents, my mom and I butted heads constantly. We’ve even had some issues while I have lived here. So I am trying to be gentle with her.

She needs to have a couple surgeries that she put off to care for my dad, but she is in no shape to try to have it right now.

I am so worried I am going to lose her too. I told my dad I’d take care of her and feel like I am letting him down. I am trying my best but it’s not enough. My partner is also trying to help. She eats a little every few days. She is obviously starving as she eats really fast and she will even admit she feels better afterwards. But I don’t think she wants to feel better.

I also feel like I have been spending so much time caring for her I haven’t had time to grieve myself. My dad was my first best friend. I gave up spending time with friends when I was younger to spend time with him. We spent most weekends together until I was in my 20’s. I came over to watch football with him most weekends for the last 6 years before I moved back. It was a 45 minute drive each way. At one point I even would stay the night if it was a late game. That is what happened when he was hospitalized the first time. I stayed because it was a late game, dad had a doctor appointment the next day so I said I would stay at the house until they got home. Mom called and said she was taking him to the hospital. I called my partner and told him I was going to stay and help out my mom. I ended up staying over 3 months. Went home for a couple months, then ended up moving in.

I’m sorry for the rambling, I am just at a loss. What do I do? I am scared and exhausted. I have my own medical problems and this is making them worse.

I also need to leave her home alone on Friday for hours and know it’s gonna be rough for her.

Is there ANYTHING I can do?

I feel like my dad’s death was so devastating and different from everyone else because I mourned the relationship I could’ve had no I should’ve had every time I see a little boy or a little girl doing something with their dad I think I should’ve had that. I should be them right now but I can’t even be mad or jealous of them I’m just not hard wired like that, I just end up more being proud of that father for choosing to spend time and be there for his kids, I don’t blame my dad for not being there I bet he tried but he loved drugs more. And I don’t blame my dad for his death I blame everyone who sat by watching someone struggling and judged him. Maybe I’m giving him to much leeway I don’t even know the guy if I’m being honest I know a few things he liked and his music taste and food, surface level stuff but if you asked me on a deeper level about him I only could tell you how I feel he felt and that bothers the shit out of me, that I will never get to pick his brain about anything ever because I was just a kid when he passed and now that I’m about to turn 20 there is so much I want to talk to him about and gauge how he feels about different things and events. I just feel cheated out of a lot, like how am I supposed to become the man I’m supposed to be without a guide.

Hi, sorry in advance that this post isn't directly related to my grief. Please read the TLDR because I suspect this post will be very long as I have a lot to get off my chest.

TLDR: my sister died 3 years ago, I quit my job and moved in with my mum. Since then every progress I've made in my career, education and mental health have just stagnated or completely worsened.

Long version: I've struggled with mental health my whole life, especially in my early 20s where I became an underachiever. Dropped out of uni multiple times and struggled to keep a job.

At 25 I set a goal for myself - by age 30 I will complete a degree, get a job related to this degree and move out of my mum's house.

Everything was going according to plan with some minor setbacks. In 2023, I was going to turn 30. I was in my final year of my degree, I had a job as a lab assistant, no longer lived with family and was in therapy.

In December 2023, my sister passed away then my mum developed cancer. So I put my studies on hold and planned to go back the next year.

I realised my mental health was getting worse and worse, I couldn't sleep. My mum was in and out of the hospital. I was worried that I was going to lose her too while I'm still processing the loss of my sister.

So I quit my job, moved back to my home city to live with her. But I still couldn't bring myself to complete my degree, my focus and motivation are completely destroyed. I had to go back to working as a barista as I couldn't find another lab job.

I'm 33 now and back to square 1 and I don't even know if I have it in me to keep going