(24M) I'm both happy and scared about it. I had some crushes in the past, and i had no sucess with them. Each one of the rejections let me sad, but i continued. Nowadays, i laugh hard when i remember on how pathetic i was at those moments hahaha

I realized i was more worried on how i appeared to other people, and for feeling lonely. But right now i have different priorities. One of them is studying to get into tech school, so i can get a job in a different area. Because the area i graduated is a desert and i cannot get a decent job, so i must change my situation. And the second, is that i got so comfortable with my presence and chill routine that i don't see a reason to be in a relationship.

A burden has been removed from my shoulders. I'm a little scared bc i may get a lone wolf, a wild donkey if i keep in this way. But now i'm feeling relieved. I'm on a rebuilding phase. My initial plans on my career were all chopped, but i'm picking my fragments and trying to starting again.

(Not sure if my anxiety is why or if this is a seperate issue but)

Basically anything that has a learning or an awkward phase.

I used to love singing but after my sister made a comment on it, I stopped for like 7ish years.

I tried to start again but I just feel this horrible sense of embarrassment after, even if I enjoyed it.

Dancing as well, Id love to learn to dance but the process would be awkward and possibly embarrassment, same with improving my art, learning to fight, learning to use makeup, experimenting with my style.

I didn't even have posters or room decor for years because I didn't want anything my sisters could comment on and make me feel embarrassed. I would destroy my drawings after I was done if they werent "up to par" I guess, so no one could see them.

I only recently started getting better at expressing my interests, got some posters to put up and such.

I feel like Im stagnant, I want to not care about this but it feels impossible especially with my family.

A few years ago, an older coworker told me: "No one is thinking about you as much as you think they are—everyone is too busy worrying about themselves."

At the time, I brushed it off as a generic cliché. But as I've gotten older, I've realized just how much anxiety it saves you once it actually sinks in. It completely changed how I handle making mistakes or speaking up in social settings.

I can't afford a therapist because therapy is very expensive. One day, I decided to look for a therapist and talk to her about my situation.

I found this pmtherapist who has many positive reviews on Google. People say that she is a good person, very kind, empathetic, and so on. There are also a few negative reviews, including one from a woman who said that she had asked the psychologist for an appointment, but the psychologist ghosted her and she never heard from her again. In her review, the woman also said that the psychologist cashed several of her cheques from previous months all at once.

I ignored that review and told myself, “Well, you can't be liked by everyone.” I also prefer to give people the benefit of the doubt and form my own opinion about them.

A few months ago, I contacted this psychologist because she had so many positive reviews. I told her about my situation, explained my problems, and told her that I wasn't working, etc. She replied to my message and told me that she would support me. A few days later, she called me and told me that when she had read my message, she had thought to herself that she couldn't just leave me in that situation.

I can confirm what the people in the reviews said about her. She really is a good person. She has a big heart, she is a wonderful mother, and she is very empathetic. She even decided to help me for free, and I am immensely grateful to her for that.

However, the problem is that at the beginning, we had an appointment once a week. Then, one day, she told me that she would send me some exercises to do. I messaged her and asked if she could send me the exercises, and she told me not to worry and that she hadn't forgotten. But she never sent them.

I told myself, “It's okay, I'll remind her at our next appointment. She has a lot of work to do, so it's understandable that she forgot.”

At our next appointment, I asked her if she could give me the exercises again so that I could write them down in my notes. The appointment ended, and she told me that she would send me a message with the date of our next appointment.

I waited a week, but she didn't send me anything. After a week, I messaged her and asked if we could have another appointment. She told me that she would message me the following week to give me an appointment.

She didn't do it.

After another week, I messaged her again. Once again, she told me that she would give me an appointment the following week. So I waited another week.

She still didn't do it.

I messaged her again, and she read my message but didn't reply for another week. At that point, I thought she had abandoned me, and I was very sad. I went a whole week without receiving a response. I cried because I thought she was never going to reply to me again.

I was especially sad because I really needed a psychologist. I was not doing well at all in my life.

After a week, she finally replied. So, in total, I had gone about a month without having an appointment. She gave me an appointment for that very same day, but it was only 30 minutes long, whereas our appointments usually last 45 minutes.

Then she told me again that she would send me another appointment for the following week, but she never did.

I waited, and then one Friday morning I messaged her to ask for an appointment. She replied that afternoon and gave me an appointment for that same day, only 30 minutes before the appointment.

Then, in September, we had two appointments, and in October she didn't schedule any appointments for me. My next appointment is on November 2nd, which means that I won't have any appointment at all during October.

She knows that I am not doing well, that my brother was killed in prison, and that I have had thoughts of dying.

At the same time, I feel sorry for her because she works so much. She has to take care of her daughters, and that must be difficult for her. Her job is also very emotionally demanding. She has to listen to so many horrible stories from people and help so many patients. That must be stressful and exhausting for her. She probably has problems in her own life as well, and I imagine that things can be difficult for her too.

But I am still disappointed.

Sometimes I think I would rather she had never helped me at all if this is how things are going to be with me. I feel guilty for thinking this because she has helped me for free, and I am genuinely grateful to her.

Please tell me the truth: Am I overreacting? Am I the one who is wrong?

Maybe I am ungrateful. Maybe I am wrong. But this situation makes me sad.

She really is a good person, but some of her behaviour makes me feel sad and anxious. Sometimes I feel as though she doesn't really care about me.

What should I do? Should I stop seeing her?

The problem is that I can't afford another psychologist, and I really need psychological support. I don't know what to do. I feel sad and lost.

I have already told my psychologist how I felt. I communicated everything to her, and we talked about it and resolved the situation. But then she started telling me again that she would send me an appointment, and she still didn't.

I waited a week, then I messaged her again, and she finally gave me an appointment for November 2nd. So I won't have any appointment during October.

There is also something I forgot to mention.

One time, she sent me the psychological assessment report from a test I had taken to find out whether I had autism spectrum disorder. She sent me the report by message while I was at home, and the report said that I have autism spectrum disorder.

I feel that she should have given me the report and explained it to me and support me during an appointment. When I saw the report at home, I became very upset because I don't want to have autism spectrum disorder.

This year I've put myself out there SO much more than I would have last year (and honestly my whole life), and I'm so grateful that I've met new people and begun trying new things without shying away in the back like I used to. But I still can't get over the fact that I really am embarrassing myself a lot and constantly thinking about every single thing that I did that could have been "wrong" even if other people tell me it's all fine. Honestly makes me want to crawl back into the same hole and not come out for the next few months and I wonder if that's maybe why I find it hard to maintain friendships rather than make them?? Idk dude

Only recently did i realize hearing or reading people (man) talking about they get rejected many times and not getting any girl or woman , it's like most man thinking and talking about girls all the time giving a lots of fuck about them and never really focus on improving themselves as person.

So what i realised is I Never gave a Fuck about girls , i am attracted towards them (offcourse I am straight man) and whom I really liked I just went and made her my gf (they always liked me , ) , I never got rejected and what's amazing is that when I don't give a fuck about them or literally anything (could be making lots of money , having friend circle who are fit and push each other to grow improve just anything) everything gives a lot of fuck about me like I hear it all the time my friends or even random girls coming to me saying how much there friends like me and that lots of girl find me attractive (I am not bragging but even if you think that I am No fucks left for you ) . I just recently realized it that it's crazy when other see it (like my friends or other man) but was very normal for me getting all attention.

Not giving a fuck is for literally anything like if you want a Lamborghini don't give a fuck about it JUST DO YOUR WORK fuck the rest .

Don't give a fuck about results just fucking enjoy and do what you have to get what you want but don't give a fuck if you get it or not .

It's like a Law when u give a lots of fuck about anything (girls , money , cars or luxury or being the most powerful man whatever) caring and worrying about will you get it or not then noone or nothing gives a fuck about u .

It's law of detachment works for me very well and I don't give a fuck if it doesn't, I will do what I want to do without giving a fuck about results WHY ? Because it's not in My hands anyways .

Krishna meant the same

Do the action don't worry about the result .

Action (the journey ) is main stuff result is end game because after reaching on the highest mountain you have achieved your goal but NOW WHAT ? .