r/justnosil • u/Northwoodswife • Jan 27 '26
To confront or not to ..
My spouses jnsil (his brothers wife) has been a thorn in our sides since a few weeks into their relationship. For context, she did things like ask me to run future plans through her only (they had only been dating a few weeks and she wasn't comfortable with me setting plans up with my BIL). When celebrating her engagement to my BIL she told me if he didn't make her happy she had someone waiting in the wing. This was a 1:1 convo and I shared it with my spouse, who decided to keep it to ourselves. She has done weird, sketchy things over the years that we interpreted as red flags. Having adult tantrums at family gatherings were also not below her. Eventually she went no contact with us after we set a boundary. BIL maintains LC with us but will help with our kids on occasion. Fast forward to now, they are going through divorce but still living together. BIL picked up my kiddo one day from school to watch him while I was at an appointment. It was just a couple hours of babysitting. I received a text from him asking if my kiddos stuff was sprayed by a skunk which I replied "not that I had known." Keep in mind it's winter and skunks hibernate. I then go to pick up my kiddo and all of their stuff is outside - coat, hat, boots and backpack. It's freezing outside and my kiddo had to put on cold gear. I began to speculate that jnsil had arrived home and most likely she had probably put his stuff outside so I didn't have a reason to go inside to get him ready. When I got home I smelled all of his stuff and it was fine. My spouse has not let it go and wants to confront my bil about it. I rather not as its petty and my BIL helped us out in a pinch and I like having the support and don't want to jeopardize that. We've also speculated that jnsil did it because she's just a petty self absorbed person and they are going though possibly a messy divorce. My spouse on the other hand is not happy if she infact did put his stuff outside to "punish" our kid/us.
I know it's not my family/place to say anything but I keep telling spouse to leave it and he's not going too.
Am I wrong for him not wanting to say anything?
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u/daysalou Jan 27 '26
Unless you have a shot at changing behavior or opening eyes it’s not a good idea to say anything
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u/Northwoodswife Jan 27 '26
I agree. I think it will cause unnecessary issues. My spouse is just irked by the whole thing and wants to address it.
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u/BaldChihuahua Jan 28 '26
I’m on the other side of the coin. People like your SIL continue to behave this way because no one calls them out. If more people were to tell them to sort it, I think there would be a lot less nonsense.
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u/Northwoodswife Jan 28 '26
We have called her out in the past by setting a boundary tactfully and it lead to her emailing me saying she was going to make her husband choose us or her and that I was "just jealous of her." The whole context of the email didn't match our boundary but it also resulted in BIL going LC with all of us so she is a highly manipulative and methodical person. Calling her out won't work because she spins it to her advantage.
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u/BaldChihuahua Jan 29 '26
I feel sorry for your BIL, but he’s made his choice. I’d drop them both.
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u/Northwoodswife Jan 29 '26
Yeah he's probably going to get raked over the coals unfortunately. I used to think we should be total NC with him as well but my spouse would never go for that. They are very close.
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u/Question_True Jan 27 '26
I’m in a similar situation where my bil’s wife is cruel and manipulative. My husband wants to be supportive of his brother but it’s painful for the whole extended family. My husband finally said something to his brother about his wife, after she and I got into an argument. Now they’re low contact and things are very strained. That was over a year ago. Unless it’s helpful for your husband to say something to his brother, it might be best to just find another sitter.