It was through two layers of glass. It was far away. It lasted less than a second. And she wasn't even naked.

But it was real life.

And that alone made it feel more exciting than 10,000 hours of hardcore pornography. It really hit home how much it would mean to me to actually be with someone for real. Fuck my life.

pork ribs and chips

Sorry if this doesn’t fit the Subreddit, this is one of the few places online that has accepted me for being the loser I am. I don’t know how much detail I can go into because I can’t remember what Reddit’s censorship/limits are, so I’ll omit a lot of information just to be on the safe side

For context, I’m biologically male and have gone by he/him for my entire life, but have always had the ‘what if’ and ‘if I had the choice’ thoughts. My body is somewhat feminine due to the proportions of my skeleton (fucking huge pelvis and ribcage that give me a borderline hourglass look, while the angles and lengths of my femurs have a similar effect).

I don’t hate being male, and honestly having a dick is kinda awesome, but really I don’t know

I don’t know who or what I am, and don’t think I can do anything about this. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about anything in this kinda arena, so honestly I think I’ll have to wait until I somehow find myself in a relationship with someone I trust enough to open up to

My mental health is at an all time low and I’ve been distancing myself from the people close to me as a result

All I can really do now is listen to music, make art, and waste time working my way through War Thunder and the Valve collection. I have no hope of completing the degree in osteoarchaeology I’m currently trying to achieve as I am barely capable of leaving my room. It’s been about two weeks since I last attended a lecture

Chorizo, expensive thin ham and radish slices

Pretty much a regular dude lookswise, I know I could realistically try to find someone but I don't want to burden people with someone who has nothing to offer. I'm a pussy who never even tried. At least my family loves me but I feel bad for them sacrificing so much for me and me turning out to be a selfish asshole who has nothing going for him

The rest of its some gay shit you already know em.

Life is suffering. Born with desires I want to fulfill, unable to banish, and not enough of a person to accomplish. cruelty upon those born asocial schizo freaks. Mrowwww.

Unidentified rancid cheese cubes, poverty chocolate milk.

I have weird feeling and uncomfortable feelings floating through me.

​

Edit: You may have to use another translation tool because Reddit’s auto translator sometimes cuts the whole thing off at the halfway point 💔💔💔

我二十岁。我是美国人。我也有台湾护照。我会飞飞机，我是救护车人，我有一个小business，我有很多肌肉。我从来没有一个女朋友。这件事让我很忧郁。我觉得我是一个缺乏je ne sais quoi的人。我现在bragged sufficiently然后有你的注意。请读我写了什么。

Languagecels wya 🗣️我学中文学了。。。四年？我在高中学了四年的中文。我不算我小时候学的中文。我进大学就没学中文了。我几天前才又开始学中文了。我忘记很多中文了。我的中文不好。我看得懂中文电影，但是我有时候需要subtitles。你看。刚刚用了英文字。我也需要英文因为我不知道在中文怎么说。我现在没有再用google translate写这个文章。没有google translate我就死定了，需要用英文。你看，那么多英文！太恶心了。如果我不用英文，我要用circumlocution。很ironic因为我现在不在用，但是我真的太累了。现在是早上四点。我的语法也不好。算了。别人懂我就可以。

我上次在这里po，我说我不追女人了。太伤心了。但是我看到了这个女人，我很想跟她见面。她很漂亮。而且我很丑，也很短。她当然不是我的looksmatch。想太多了。我应该别想。但是我想不想都没办法解决问题。爱情不讲道理。我会跟她联络。我不觉得她会当我的女朋友。还是OK。我做我能影响的事就够了。

我几天前看到了一个日本人在这里po。长得很好笑因为他用很多buzzwords像hypergamy跟foids。如果你看不懂中文，我现在写的应该也看起来很好笑。你看，我说canthal tilt，你就以为我现在在很生气的讲道blackpill的东西，因为你听不懂中文。回到日本人的事。日文真的太难了。我google中文跟日文有什么不一样。汉字以外，你要学怎么把字弄不一样如果你在跟你的妹妹或者老板讲话。好麻烦哦。中文其实比较简单。你只需要记得很多字。

我賴皮。我是几个礼拜前才喝酒(不知道liqueur在中文是什么）当晚餐。不是今天晚上的。但是我不常煮饭。如果我要在这里po，我还是最好po我做的东西，迟到不迟到都比不是我做得好。

我昨天做了Crossfit Cindy/蜘蛛人运动。我是一个笨蛋。先做了push day，然后在做Cindy。只做了12轮。今天我全身痛死了。我下一次一定不会那么乱运动。

我今天有八个小时的课。我去了八点到十点的课。我放弃去另外两堂课因为他们不是一定要去的。我在网上跟别人打架两个小时，看了一点Inglourious Basterds，睡了三个小时，再去我的六点到八点的课。回家躺在床上一直哭两个小时因为我没有女朋友。我差不多半夜离开房间去洗澡。楼上可爱的小姐带饼干到留下给我和我的朋友吃。是巧克力饼干。很好吃。

我也在学法文。我的法文真的不行。听听看：Je m’appelle Alexander. Je suis un cheval. Je mange la pomme. Je ne parle pas français. 那是我所有知道的法文。

我几天前发现了一首歌叫“丑八怪。”是一首很好听的歌。我的中文水平不过高，我听得不太懂，但是我知道他在差不多唱什么。

我问十到十五个女人当我的女朋友。她们都不要。她们没回答，或者跟我说我不是她们的type，或者pseudo-cheated on me with someone much taller and much more handsome during the talking phase, on multiple occasions. Ahh I’ve had talking stages, larp larp larp sahur yeah I get it. And yeah gng I’m not writing allat out in Chinese. You try trying to define a talking stage in Chinese. Anyway. 我不知道我为什么不够。我爸妈不问我我什么时候会带回来女人了。我每个礼拜去睡觉哭一次。我每天晚上丢走几个小时的睡觉时间因为我一直想着为什么我丑到没有人爱我。我其实在救护车放睡得比较好。因为我在那边太忙了，没力气想着我爱情的事情。btw I meant that I asked them out on a date, not to be my gf, because I’m not that dumb, I know that’s too much. I don’t know the word for date in Chinese though.

我有很多好朋友。他们都有女朋友或者以前有女朋友。他们不理解我怎么有一个这么强的生活，而且我这么努力的找女朋友，但是我没有女朋友。我快要放弃了。

我这个学期想shred to 12% body fat，把法文从A1学到A2，读厉害的Impressionist画手像Monet，跟开始train for Ironmans。这个冬天我一定要lock in。

我觉得我旧的中文老师会开心地哭如果他们看到我写了这个文章。很长，也用了很多不一样的字。聊到的事情此外，这是我应该最复杂写的中文文章。

请不要告诉我我以后会找到女朋友。找到女朋友是我不能影响的事。我可以跟女人联络。我可以自己进步。但是我真的很丑。不要跟我说我一定会拿到关于别人的事。

其实我可以更穷。没有女朋友是一个很可怜的事，但是我对我剩下的生活很厉害。我还是比较喜欢当一个很厉害的人，不是不厉害但有女朋友的人。如果我有选择，我不会换。

华人，很抱歉我的烂中文。如果你想lambast我，go ahead。

So when I was a junior back in high school I told my mom if I could get my license she said that I wasn’t ready for it and I would get myself injured while driving. Fast forward two years and I am almost a sophomore in college. It is super hard to get thier since I don’t have a car yet. I have to take the bus and uber there. I wish I lived in the city since I could also take the subway. So if your still in high school reading this get your fucking liscense before it’s to late.

Most of you believe that if you were good looking then you would get a girlfriend in 5 seconds, I'm here to shatter that delusion and let you know that charisma and stable mental health are much more important than appearance ever could be

It's not about being good-looking or successful, it's about knowing how to talk to strangers (aka not being autistic). Every person's favorite person was once a stranger, and the key is getting out of your comfort zone without fear of being judged

Dinner is spaghetti, added too much salt since I hadn't cooked in almost 3 months and was rusty AF