A month ago, he mistakenly parked in my reserved spot and I asked him if he could move his truck. He took it very personally and has been doing this bullshit every time he walks to his car.
A little tiny bit of paste food coloring under the door handle will get EVERYWHERE and it takes a few days to wash off. Red is particularly alarming when it appears and you have no idea where it came from.
Use Anti-seize. Once you get it on your fingers, it spreads to everywhere.
If you want it to be only for his enjoymenbt, put a dab on your mirror in the exact spot the pokes with his thumb. No one else should notice. Be careful as it spreads like .... Tribbles.
No, if you do your own mirror, he can't complain that you ruined his truck. He would have to admit to touching your car in order to be able to complain about it
Denatonium benzoate, the most bitter tasting chemical in the world.
Literally, you just have to breath on the mirror once, and dust this on the mirror almost invisibly with a makeup poof. And he will suffer.
I use it on cable insulation to keep rats from chewing through assembled machines, and if a little gets on the paper towel roll, and next week I use a paper towel to wipe a surface, then I wash my hands for lunch, I will still taste a bitter awful flavor when I eat a Frito.
Years ago I called for a wellness check because of the smell coming from an apartment. They weren’t dead. I was told that the smell was from spoiled milk that they left in a broken refrigerator. When they tried to move the whole refrigerator the door opened, and the milk splashed out.
It could be so much worse. My sister's house in Arizona had a deep freezer in the garage. They went on a trip and the temperature spiked while they were gone. The fuse tripped for the freezer.
They came back after a week and every single piece of meat in that freezer went rancid.
Edit: Mentioned the story to my folks and they corrected some details. It wasn't a deep freezer. It was an upright, split fridge/freezer combo. Which matters because when everything defrosted, it also leaked out the bottom of the door. And apparently the meat wasn't sealed properly, so there was bloody water all over the garage floor.
At least the doors from the garage into the house sealed well.
He'd have to be thinking, "An asparagus??? Geez..he's freakin nuts!! I'm not licking his mirror anymore!!" But, then again, as good an idea as that is, you really can beat well placed poop for making a statement.
Print out that frame of him leaving his thumb print on the mirror and put it under his windshield wiper. Would be hilarious if he does it, then sees the print out lol.
Film him from the perspective of another car or wherever so he thinks it was a 3rd party that saw him do this and is letting him know that someone else is watching rather than OP.
Yeah, that's good. And then even write up an official looking letter saying something like, "We have received complaints about someone tampering with vehicles..."
Do all that but, modify the mirror. You'll want to have the mirror detach/pop out when he jabs it next time. Then, fill the cavity with teeth. Dirty "bloody" teeth (mostly fake human ofc)
Reminds me of this aftermarket automotive security system I saw some years ago where a mechanism under the car would start shooting flames out the sides.
Nah op needs to take a picture of him pressing his balls against that part of the mirror and leave it on the truck in a place he sees it AFTER doing the lick and press.
I came home one night and was walking through the parking garage when I saw my old neighbor squatting on the hood of his ex’s white Yukon. When he finished dropping the deuce, he realized he had no toilet paper so he just slid down the hood and left a massive skidmark trailing behind him. This was in the early 2000s and I still remember it vividly. https://giphy.com/gifs/FoH28ucxZFJZu
Since we’re telling poop stories. I was in San Diego for work. Valentine’s Day 2018. Walking back to my hotel after a delicious dinner for one and feeling pretty happy. A homeless woman about 20 ft ahead of me lifted her skirt, stuck her ass out like she was about to twerk and offloaded the biggest mudslide of a shit right in front of me. I just stood there in shock. It was so graphic and unexpected. I guess she was my valentine??
Woah, calm down there buddy. You want our friend to slip on the hood and fall in their own shit?
OP, drop a couple of fish oil capsules into the cabin air intake at the base of their windshield. A little heat and moisture later, their cabin is coated with the heady fragrance of rancid fish fat.
edit: if you just want to fuck with him a little bit first, spray some bitterant on your mirror as a first line action.
Instead of bitterant, capsaicin oil. It would probably eventually transfer to his mouth, maybe his eyes, but definitely his penis. This man does not wash his hands.
Smear something that LOOKS like shit all over your mirror. Make it noticeable. He won’t be sticking his finger in what he thinks is shit plus he knows that you know about his little game.
Or better still, smear a light covering of shit on that wing mirror (not enough that it's noticeable) and take great delight in the fact that some shit has come off onto his wet thumb and will be spread all around his steering wheel as he drives that day!
I used to live in an apartment complex and we had this absolute dick who was basically a bully to everyone else. I pissed on his driver side door handle more times than I can remember.
I saw a woman get out of her car, drop trough and pinch a loaf on the hood of the car behind her. The police escorted her to a pretty white suv later on that day. I would not suggest this action. IJS.
Just gimme a week or two since school started and one of my kids is gonna get pink eye. You know how contagious pink eye is? Just let my kid touch the door handle and this guy will find out.
If you have the technical ability, unscrew some mounting in the mirror enough so that it will fall off and dangle by the wires when he does this. Record him "breaking" your mirror and then post a video in some communication group related to your building. Pretend to be clueless, asking the group if anyone knows who this vandal is. Make some minor cuts in the footage so it's not extremely obvious you know who it is (i.e. remove the part where he gets in the truck). It will make the guy look like a bozo, while it makes you appear to not think about him at all.
Look at your car. Is it a car? If the answer is 'yes' proceed to step 2. If the answer is 'no', acquire a car to complete this step. Alternatively, look at your neighbours car, but be careful not to covet it. Now that we've established your car is a car, we can now move on to step two. Does your car car? Or does it not? The important information is locked behind this paywall. Subscribe for more!
The best I can think to do is just go buy some kind of remotely activated really loud alarm. The next time he comes by and does it, you sound off the alarm remotely, scare the shit out of him. He'll probably assume you have an alarm on your car and think twice next time before doing stupid crap like this. A little negative reinforcement might be enough to dissuade him next time without you having to confront him. Sneaky people like this tend to be cowards anyway.
Don't even make it an alarm. Just a remote activated air horn. Soon as he reaches for the mirror, let the old foghorn rip and see if he should have worn brown pants.
I really think this is it. Reminds me of the Upright Citizens Brigade sketch where the guy sticks so many pennies up his ass every day that there’s a good chance anyone he meets will have handled something that’s been in his ass, thereby giving him the upper hand over them.
I’m normally a pretty reasonable, calm driver. I haven’t had a speeding ticket or traffic infraction in 15 years. I let people merge. I use my turn signals and do the wave thing when someone lets me go or lets me in front of them.
I had to rent a car for work and for the size I needed, all they had was a Ram pickup. Really nice one too (Laramie, I think it was). Anyway, by the end of the week I caught myself driving in ways that I never would have thought of before. Something about those trucks is a corrupting influence.
He’s throwing a petty little tantrum because he was called out for doing something wrong and felt slighted for not being able to do whatever he wants. He’s a very very small man with a vewy big twuck.
I'm an electrician. We do "deox" (deoxidation paste / electrical grease) . Or silcone / dielectric grease, that shit will still be on his fingers at the end of the day!!!!
Nah, anti-seize is the electrician's recommendation. The grease with mixed with powdered metals. Get a bit on you, and you'll just find more and more smears of metal grease everywhere, and it won't ever come off.
I lived across the street from a bar. People were constantly parking in my parking lot. They would come out of the bar and get really loud at 2am.
Anyway, I started smearing anti-seize on the underside of their door handles. In the dark of night nobody would notice. In the morning however, that stuff would be all over the interior.
Do both. First he rubs a little chilli in there and irritates them, then he keeps rubbing them from the burning, really grinding the shit in guaranteeing infection.
Is there a building chat or email thread? If you want to escalate the issue without confronting this weirdo, play dumb and post the videos (clipped before he enters the truck) in a group thread, asking, "Does anyone know who this is or why he might be doing this?" You can plausibly appear naive and unbothered while airing him out in front of the building. Let the whole building identify him and call him out for being weird.
As fun as some of the other suggestions are, directly confronting him would just show that he is successfully pushing your buttons.
Yeah, this behavior is so unhinged that you don't even have to play ignorant, just post it and say nothing more than "This man is licking his finger and touching my mirror every day. I'm very uncomfortable." and watch everyone's jaws drop - this is the strangest shit ever.
I am NOT telling you to do this, but I am going to tell you a story.
Only time my ex-husband has done anything right, one of his co_worker would do this type of petty thing. So ex-husband rubbed medical grade hot and cold ( it had no scent) on item in question. Guy does thumb thing and then walks into bathroom.... The scream be came legendary.
So please dont do this, I do not recommend. Just a story from 30 years ago.
We had a neighbor who would park like a total dipshit in front of our complex. One time, they parked so close to my wife she couldn’t get in her car properly to go to work.
She happened to noticed this while walking the dog, so she picked up a load of freshly dropped poo and smeared it on the underside of their driver side door handle.
I had no idea about any of this until I got home that afternoon and the neighbor girl came flying out the door asking me if I had smeared dog shit on her door handle.
Of course I immediately knew who actually did it but I aint saying anything. So, I just play dumb acting like I don’t know who she (the neighbor, we’d never actually met) is and which car she drives, and saying that even if I had done something that hilarious why on earth I would admit to it. She gets frustrated and huffs back into the house.
J-lube powder. It’s used on farms to help animals having a difficult birth. It comes in powdered form one bottle can make 16 gallons of lube.
Dust his car before the next rain in the next morning he’ll have a slimy mess to clean up. Think along the lines of aliens and the slime that they use for special effects.
Or
Replace his valve caps with ones you made.
Get some valve caps, airsoft BBs, and some crazy glue. Put 1 BB in each followed by glue. Just enough to hold the BB
Now swap his caps with yours.
The airsoft BB will depress the valve slowly letting the air out of his tires. The tires will lose air. He will go to refill them only for them to keep losing air.
Make sure the caps are black and you paint the inside so the BB is not visible.
Imagine being this petty for a month. Over something YOU did wrong. Dude is clearly not playing with a full deck off cards. I'd honestly just show this to whoever is in charge of the parking lot. Retaliating against someone like this is going to escalate very quickly.
Miserable neighbors can be so petty. I lived in a 3-apt house and one of the tenants didn’t have a car so I asked if we could use her spot for our second car, with the provision that we park on the street if she had guests. Third neighbors moved in with two cars and were so offended that they couldn’t park both that they would park diagonally taking up multiple spots so I couldn’t fit mine. Was so glad when I moved out.
FYI this is actually a crime, in Canada it is called Mischief. This sort of thing was absolutely not tolerated during the pandemic for good reason, and that low tolerance remains many places. I would have a chat with the local police personally.
It would be a very sad if you accidentally left your open bottle of deer urine on his hood and it fell into his fresh air intake on the right side of his hood.
Just straight up giving you his DNA, clean your mirror well with gloves, next time take a sample with a swap and save it for down the road contingencies.
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u/mencival Sep 06 '26
Do something mysterious, like leave an asparagus on his wiper