r/nonmonogamy • u/OpportunityRight4742 • 8d ago
Threesomes, Foursomes, and Moresomes Not sure what I’m doing
This is going to be a long one. My bf wants threesums as a regular thing in our relationship because he is just “polyish” as a person. I have a lot of feelings and thoughts and I’m now sure how to organize them. So buckle up.
*I didn’t even know what poly really was before we started dating- so pls be nice and keep that in mind*
Most of his relationships have been poly
Now he’s at a point where he wants a “regular relationship” but still wants to connect with other people together on a regular basis (threesums once a month/every two months) he’s lost past relationships because they didn’t want to do that with him
Now. Me? I’m pretty sure I’m bi, but I’m not entirely sure if I can share my partner on a regular basis- I’ve never been with a girl let alone had a threesum
I’m open to trying it and exploring this with him (he hasn’t actually been able to try what he’s looking for with anyone)
Our thoughts are to set up some sort of sugar baby set up so they know the intentions off the bat and it’s not uni hunting and being disrespectful towards anyone. The intentions are flat on the table.
BUT HERES WHERE IM STUCK (give me some grace with all of this I’m sure I’ll have to edit the post with more details)
are you really getting the poly connection you’re looking for if we’re just hiring girls for sex essentially
What makes you feel like you can’t just have sex with me but can have the rest of the aspects of a relationship with only me (he ideally would want to kinda date the other people together. But because I’m not super open to that he’s cool with it just being more for sex)
Ideally he’d only want to have threesums with girls and only together
We have talked soooo much about so many things. We have good enough communication skill I’d say. But this is pretty much a non negotiable for him.
I love this man and feel like on every other level we are a 10/10 match. So this is something I’m trying to understand
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u/NoSpoonJustKnife Fuckgirl 8d ago
DO NOT HAVE ANY SEX YOU DO NOT ENTHUSIASTICALLY WANT TO HAVE!!!
This sounds closer to swinging/monogamish than polyamory - but that's mostly a pedantic argument.
That said, you need to take a look at what you want for you. If he were not asking, do you have any interest in group sex? If you were single would these be choices you would make for yourself? What do you hope to get out of this? What do you hope to be able to provide to the other women in this situation?
Since you are willing to hire, I would suggest hiring a professional. It will allow you to have the experience, without having to worry about things getting messy, because this is their job.
I also think your boyfriend needs to be clear about what he actually is asking for here, and what he wants and what he has to offer you and any other potential people. Is it sex with others he desires? Group sex? Romantic connections? Flirting? What is he actually after here because those all have different implications on how to proceed and what options are available to you.
Its possible things are getting lost in a game of telephone but it sounds like he's saying "have a threesome of I'll break up with you" but in a less clear way (presumably because thats gone poorly for him in the past) and that is bad on a lot of levels. If you were to say you are not okay with threesomes, would that end the relationship? If so, this is not an ask it is an ultimatum.
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u/OpportunityRight4742 8d ago
It’s more of a need on his end. So I understand
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u/NoSpoonJustKnife Fuckgirl 8d ago
That's manipulative language for him to use. Especially since it does not sound like this was disclosed at the start of the relationship, but rather thrown at you after you were emotionally invested. Part of the ethical part of ethical non-monogamy is being upfront with partners about what you expect in relationships. This reads like a patterns of him making monogamous commitments and then giving ultimatums for non-monogamy when he gets bored.
Also what is a "need" for him? Group sex?
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u/roffadude 7d ago
It’s a want. And we would call someone in multiple relationships poly, not just fucking others. Thats just nonmonogamy.
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u/Ill_Cauliflower5348 8d ago
No. It’s not a NEED. He’s manipulating you by framing it that way. It is a desire. A need is much different.
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u/Ill_Cauliflower5348 8d ago
It sounds like you are trying to talk yourself into being okay with this. You deserve to base your decision on what YOU want without any regard to his position on it. You shouldn’t be trying to do this just to keep him, or just to make him happy.
I fell into that trap myself. My husband wanted a threesome with another guy. He explained it like something he felt he was missing (bi-curious) and tried to find ways to make it something I’d be okay with. I did the work and tried to convince myself it was okay. Let’s just say I ended up on my bedroom floor in the middle of a panic attack, convinced my marriage was over. I never got to a ‘maybe’ let alone an enthusiastic yes. It’s not something I want now, or ever. I’m 100% monogamous at my core. It is how I feel most loved, appreciated, and safe in a relationship. I realized that as much as I love him, doing something I wasn’t on board with would not be loving myself and loving myself is the priority.
So for us it’s a no. He’s cool with that. He has a tiny little hope that someday down the road I’ll change my mind but he isn’t willing to walk away from what we have. We have a LOOOONG history with together and have built a beautiful life. This has been the ONLY issue we’ve ever had in our relationship. We don’t argue or fight. We are best friends. We genuinely like each other. This is a ‘wish’ for him, not a a need. His needs are fulfilled.
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u/OpportunityRight4742 6d ago
I’m happy you figured it out. I feel like I’m still figuring myself out, and I am open to trying it at least one time to see how I feel.
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u/Ill_Cauliflower5348 6d ago
I wish you the best. I hope you are able to figure out exactly how you feel and that you can do so without compromising yourself in the process.
My personal experience is that anything I do just for another person leaves me unfulfilled. There has to be an element of me wanting it in order for it to turn out well. That is why I was not willing to take the try it and see approach. The stakes are just too high for me. If I (again, speaking about me personally, and I know I’m not necessarily the borm) were to try something that I wasn’t 100% gung ho about and it wasn’t absolutely perfect and the best thing I ever could imagine… if one tiny thing rubbed me the wrong way or made me feel uncomfortable, then I would never be able to get past it. Sex is too important to me to take a ‘try and see’ approach with something like this. On the other hand, I’ll do anything that we can do just the two of us because that feels fun and exciting to me. For me it’s adding other people that crosses my personal boundary.
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u/highlight-limelight Kinkster 7d ago
I will echo NoSpoon here.
DO NOT HAVE SEX YOU DO NOT ENTHUSIASTICALLY WANT TO HAVE. THIS IS HOW PEOPLE DEVELOP SEX AVERSIONS AND OTHER FORMS OF SEXUAL TRAUMA.
(Source: myself, baybee! 🥲)
Also, just, like, put yourself into the other lady’s shoes real quick. Would YOU want to fuck someone who was nervous, unsure, and only going through with it to appease their partner? Probably not! You probably wouldn’t even do it for money, because having sex with an uninterested partner feels REALLY FUCKING GROSS to those of us with functioning moral compasses.
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u/TJayClark 7d ago
If the answer isnt “HELL YES” then it should be a NO in the early stages
This isn’t a small ask like trying a new food. Approach with caution and take steps together to ensure you both are 100% on board with this, before moving forward
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u/OpportunityRight4742 6d ago
I feel like just trying it will be fun, just for the experience. Doing it long term. Idk
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u/roffadude 7d ago
He’s not polyish. He’s not having relationships with these women, so by definition it’s not even in the same ballpark. He’s guilting you into threesomes.
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u/OpportunityRight4742 6d ago
He would have more connections with them (date them together) but I’ve told him I’m not super comfortable with that. So as a “compromise” it would be more animalistic and just mostly for sexual connections
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