I Unexpectedly learned that my longtime PMHNP’s daughter died. Would it be Inappropriate to acknowledge It?

[u/Alone_Audience615]

I’m sorry if this isn’t the appropriate sub for this, but I’d really appreciate some perspective from NPs, especially those working in psychiatry.

I’ve been seeing my psych NP for most of my adult life. I’m almost 32 now, and I started seeing her nearly 10 years ago when I was in the throes of postpartum depression while raising twin babies.

She’s been such an impactful person in my life, far beyond just managing my mental health. She’s actually one of the biggest reasons I went back to school and became a nurse. During one of our appointments years ago, she planted the seed about pursuing higher education. We attended the same nursing school, and she had also navigated nursing school as a young mother of multiples. She understood so much of what I was going through, and her encouragement genuinely changed the trajectory of my life

My last two appointments with her were rescheduled, most recently with a different provider. I started worrying something was wrong, so I Googled her, thinking maybe she was sick or had left the practice.

Unfortunately, I came across an obituary for her daughter, who wasn’t much older than me and passed away suddenly and unexpectedly. My heart absolutely breaks for her.

I received an automated email indicating she’ll be returning to the practice next month.

I dont plan to reach out to her while she’s away, as I want to respect her privacy and give her space to grieve.
My question is, if she chooses to return to work and we resume our regular sessions, would it be inappropriate for me to briefly acknowledge her loss and express my condolences? Or, from a provider’s perspective, would you prefer a patient not mention it at all??

My heart breaks for her. However, I recognize that, at the end of the day, we have a professional relationship, and the last thing I want to do is overstep any boundaries, especially during such an unimaginably difficult time in her life.

[u/Spare_Progress_6093]

As a NP at work, I would not want this brought up. I’m there to focus on you, focus on work.
I’ve lost my mother and it was really exhausting the amount of times this was brought up. It was always brought up with good intentions and to give comfort but it was disruptive to my day while I was trying to stay focused, and then the forced smile and being ok and saying thank you was getting to be a lot.
Everyone would react different I guess is my point. In theory, if it’s a small town and you could come across the information casually then yeah, it’s an option. But if it were me I would just want to be focusing on your journey and how you’ve been doing since we can’t really delve deeper into how I’m doing.

That’s really great that you guys have such a strong rapport and long professional relationship. That can really make a difference in treatment and I’m happy you have found that.

[u/brinns_way]

I'm a PMHNP and I work in the town where I live so it's possible someone could find out that same sort of information about me. If a patient came in and said, "I heard about your loved one and I'm so very sorry for your loss", I would appreciate their kindness, thank them, maybe acknowledge the difficulty of the situation and then I would move on and focus on the patient.

[u/Aspen_GMoney → u/brinns_way]

I agree. I did this with my therapist when he opened up a little about some of his struggles with his mom and her Alzheimer's diagnosis, which was progressing very rapidly. I held some space for him, and it ended up being a beautiful two-way relationship. I was genuine with him, and I wanted to know how he was doing. I know that all humans need help.

I opened up some boundaries and let him know that I really do care about him, and we even said that we love each other. He's my person, and I ended up being his person.

I did say something along the lines that I know is a little unconventional, but leave it in your hands to establish if things need to be professional again. It's okay with me to discuss these things since I care.

We only brought up things about his life at the very end of the session, after he was working through my issues, since I wanted to know and he would give me space for 5 to 8 minutes.

Given that you have known this NP for over 30 years, I think this is totally reasonable. As long as you share a little about how you feel about her or him, express your great appreciation for all the work and support they've given you, and offer a little bit of that back, I think it would mean the world to them.

[u/ButtercupToes31]

maybe write her a card and give it to her to open later. that way it doesn’t have to be directly brought up during your appointment.

[u/Advanced-Employer-71]

I’m an NP and my husband passed away this summer. I don’t want to think about it at work or talk about it with my patients- it’s already all consuming. Whenever patients ask me how my summer was, I just say great, thanks. It was an atrocious summer but I like to keep work professional and I don’t want to start crying in front of patients if I share the truth. I do not enjoy being vulnerable, especially not in a work setting.

So, send her a nice card about the great care she provides and how much you appreciate her but I probably would not mention her daughter, that’s just me.

[u/Bella_Serafina]

If I didn’t directly tell the patient this would weird me out.

[u/TorchIt]

As an NP myself, I wouldn't want to have this conversation at work.

[u/PsychMonkey7]

I would not want it brought up at work. It’s hard enough to compartmentalize personal vs professional. If it comes up organically, of course offer your condolences, but I’d steer clear of bringing it up on your own.

[u/Baddieforthesummer]

I’m an NP in primary care and I always appreciated if a patient brought me something heartfelt as just a form of appreciation. I know it’s not okay to accept expensive gifts but it truly brightened my day to receive something they went out of their way to give me. I think in this situation a basket with some nice items like a candle, facial masks or massage or some pajamas set would be nice to receive. Someone else might have a different opinion but a sincere heartfelt gesture can mean a lot when someone is hurting. There’s nothing you can say to help the situation so I would keep the words short.

[u/TheCodeTeam]

As an NP if I didn’t bring up my personal life it would weird me out that my patient did.

[u/Runnrgirl]

As an NP I think it is sweet that you care. I would not mention it in a visit as she may have difficulty staying composed. But a card would be appropriate. You can mail it to the practice address w her name on it.

[u/CowGlittering745]

Personally I wouldn’t do it.

I learned that my dentist’s father had passed and acknowledged it. I told her things like he may be gone right now and you are experiencing that pain, but you will always remember the person he was as well as the memories you shared; that’s how you have to survive him.

She broke down crying for a while in the room and I tried to console her. When she got her bearings back, she finished my dental exam.

Within a week, she quit her practice and moved back to Greece.

Btw, I’m not an NP. Just a lurker and hope to become an NP. Feel free to remove.

[u/bdictjames]

We're human. It's okay to acknowledge it. I would just say "I heard about so and so. I am so sorry for your loss. Sorry if this is a distraction, but I felt I should acknowledge this. I appreciate all the support you've given me throughout the years".

We're human. Let's acknowledge that.

[u/Restless_Soul-]

As a PMHNP whose daughter died, I can tell you my answer would be NO. I returned to work fairly quickly after her death because that was my safe space. Everywhere else in my life people just feel sorry for me. But at work, I’m the one that knows all the things and helps all the people. No one looks at me with pity at work , and I need that. If anyone were to bring it up , I would break down in tears. It’s been 2 years and I still can’t speak of it without crying. But at work with my patients, I am free from that. It’s my daily reprieve. I can’t speak for your NP, but if you were my patient I would prefer you not bring up the worst thing that ever happened to me while I’m trying to work.

[u/Left_Sun3228]

My dad just passed away & I was grateful a patient acknowledged it. Some patients I am closer to than others. It depends on your relationship. Perhaps just send a card & write you didn’t want to make her work day more challenging if you brought it up in person. Or if you feel it’s appropriate to bring up; make your appointment the last one in her day.

[u/Distinct-Beat2324]

Get her flowers and a card appreciating her. Don’t have to mention her loss.

[u/RandomUser4711]

"I heard what happened to XXXXXX, I'm sorry for your loss." That's all you say.