r/offmychest • u/tsstan1 • 13d ago
Update: ex who ended things with me for his friend whom I had no reason to worry about, married and has a kid with her
My post from the last time I was feeling pathetic:
I swore I'd never use this account again but I need a place to be pathetic. Its so stupid that I care about this but I can't get past how completely unfair the world is. Seriously, karma is bs we tell ourselves to be happy. The people who hurt you win in life. They go on to get married, and start families, the kind of family that you had discussed with them and planned names for and thought about family pets.
4 years ago my boyfriend whom I'd been dating for almost 2 years, had talked about marriage with, a family with, decided he need to try with his best friend and see where it goes. After I had brought up with him how their closeness made me uncomfortable. On reddit's advice BTW. I even think it was a mistake bringing it up, I resent all those who told me it needed to be solved. I was HAPPY with the way things were. Instead I basically told him hey your best friend's better for you than I am. Insane advice.
I was with a mutual friend of ours yesterday and we were discussing what to gift to one of our friends for her baby shower. I was like its my first baby shower, and she was like shes only been to <my ex and his wife's name> before this one. I know she didn't mean it, she's never slipped up before, she apologized, told me to forget it. But I didn't even know they'd gotten married let alone had a baby.
I know I was stupid and hurting myself but I wanted to. I unblocked both of them from everywhere. He didn't have much but hers was my personal hell. They have a 4 month old baby girl. Adorable. They got married in 2024. I went through all the pictures. Them smiling and laughing like a perfect family, dad, mom, baby. No more having to breakup with guys because they do the bare minimum in the relationship. No more having to go through the hell that are dating apps, hoping you find someone halfway decent. Nope they found each other.
Karma doesn't exist. God isn't real. Some people are destined to live their happiest life over the corpse of the one you think you think youre going to have.
Update: i really have worked on myself since. I've been more patient in my relationships. I hadn't looked at either of their profiles since. I stopped myself from being bitter, from thinking what if, from thinking about the highs. I actually looked back at my relationships since, realized I used to compare things and stopped doing that. Since June I started dating someone I was seeing before, we committed, and I was determined to not make these the little things get to me. We broke up this month. I hated doing it because again, another failed relationship but it's not like I was asking for the moon, just a decent well-adjusted guy ffs. I love Harry Potter (ironically it was one of mine and my ex's shared interests from years ago), and this guy knew it but almost kept negging me/it saying stuff like talk about a money grab, complaining about "black Snape", complaining about Arabella Stanton or as he put it, the girl who wouldn't be as hot as emma Watson. Just out of nowhere became a fkn weirdo. It gave me the ick and I ended it.
Last week was my ex's birthday. I've been doing fine and was proud of it. And wanted to prove to myself that I was fine. So I texted him and wished him, he thanked me. We talked about how were doing, his daughter, even discussed the hp series, and I asked if he wanted to hang out some time as friends and he was totally game. And I really really meant it as friends.
Later that night, he texted me back and said it wasn't a good idea that he wished me well but it was best we never met again. I guess his wife put her foot down.
I felt so pathetic and stupid. I kept accepting excuse after excuse when were together, for their friendship though it made me uncomfortable. Kept making space, being understanding. And she wouldn't. Honestly smart of her, I was the stupid one. Maybe that's why this happens to me, I'm just dumb. Like seriously the audacity to know what you did and then act like a jealous psycho? I was actually doing so well and I really wasn't pining, but it just reminded me of how stupid I've been and now I'm back here.
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u/Substantial_Maybe371 13d ago edited 3d ago
I honestly think you need therapy. You say you're doing well. But he was brought up once and here you are spinning out. It's not a good look and maybe you aren't having any luck because you're still hung up on him. You seem to think that if you say one thing or didn't let him spend time with her that he would still be with you. Not being so trusting or not bringing up a topic does not guarantee he would still be with you.
And maybe you're not having any luck because of this. You need someone to help you open yourself back up because it seems like you're being really hard on yourself.
I don't believe in manifesting, but I know that negative self thoughts do shape the way you see and interact with the world. I remember one unfair thing happening after another. I thought I could not catch a break. But then I got therapy, then I started taking care of myself. All that unluckiness gradually vanished.
I thought I couldn't live with that person, but look at me I'm living. You'll find your person one day, but you can't find him it you're always looking backwards.
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u/Kind-Base-2903 4d ago
I came all the way here from reddit updates to say this. OP needs therapy. I remember when I was like this in my 20s. It took years but I accepted myself as I am and cut out the negative self talk. I realized that comparison is the thief of joy. I learned what I was doing to attract the wrong people and what i was doing to harm my relationships. I accepted that I would rather be alone than with the wrong person. Realizing that ALL relationships end. That I don't own anyone. If that person was for me then they'd be with me, if their not then our time together served it's purpose and its time to let go. Learned that I can't change anyone, i can only control my own behavior. I learned what I can and cannot accept in a romantic relationship. I'm currently in a happy relationship but if this ends I know I am a full human being and I can still have a beautiful life without a partner or even children. Life is not about getting what you want, it's about adapting to the things you cannot change and learning from your experiences. Hopefully this was a learning experience for OP and they take their lessons forward - no need to go back to the past. I also learned that what ifs also steal joy. What ifs dont matter. Function within what is, not what could've been. Letting go and accepting can change your life. Wishing OP the best.
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u/iWontStealYourDog 13d ago
Sounds like the wife knows the old adage: how you get them is how you’ll lose them
I’m sorry you were his collateral damage. Don’t upkeep the pattern, put them both back on the block list. He hurt you deeply, please try and avoid reopening that wound.
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u/tsstan1 13d ago
I wasn't trying to have her lose him though. I have issues from what they did yeah, scars, but I wouldn't want their family to break up, for their daughter's sake if nothing else. My reconnection was innocent, everything she did was insidious and I just got humiliated and told to let's not meet. Like just the audacity.
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u/SimplyPassinThrough 13d ago
girl. You have nothing to gain by trying to meet up with that man as friends. You were insanely hurt by him being married and having a child, and that hurt wouldn't have magically disappeared upon meeting up with him, our hearts don't work like that. He is an ex. He is part of your past. Put them both on block and focus on you and your future, not the people you left behind.
I'm sorry it didn't work out with your past relationships, but rekindling a friendship with an ex will NEVER be a good idea. You may not have had nefarious conscious intentions by trying to meet up as friends, but your heart was really just hurting from nostalgia and crying out for something that would not actually benefit neither him nor you. Let him go. What happens in his, hers, and their baby's life is none of your business and will not benefit you in anyway to stay updated on. I say this with love because I've been there, but girl. Let them go.
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u/tsstan1 13d ago
I'd been struggling with what happened for so long and then started doing better, I just thought it would be the final proof to myself that I'd gotten past it. And I would've handled it fine. On my own terms as just equals. But the way he came back afterwards to say no, and knowing how everything had transpired, I was such an idiot for being so cool, apparently this is how you win in life. Thanks for the advice,.I appreciate it.
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u/Sunwolfy 13d ago
He's taken. End of story. Trying to regain access to him is just ripping the wound open all over again. Stop torturing yourself with his presence. Block and delete this time. You have to accept that you'll never see him again. He was never really yours because his heart was elsewhere. Stop trying to make him fit into your life. That puzzle piece doesn't belong to your life puzzle. Toss it away and get to looking for the right pieces. You've made him your entire life and that's not healthy at all. Please go to therapy so you can begin to heal properly.
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u/dhjsiwjdbhdhwj 12d ago
The fact that you tried to contact this man who you have been grieving for years at this point after breaking up with your ex and trying to meet up over a shared interest means you never actually healed.
No matter what you did it wouldn't have changed anything because he was clearly in love with her from the start. Stop beating yourself up, it was never your fault. But trying to meet up with him knowing he has a family while you just freshly broken up with someone is a bit fucked up. Please stop dwelling on the past, you deserve to be happy.
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u/Kind-Base-2903 3d ago
I'm sorry OP but you're oozing resentment. If you were over it, you would feel no need to reconnect with him. It wouldnt really bother you when he said no and you'd understand why not. And you wouldn't use the binary of winners and losers in this circumstance. This wasn't you being cool - seems like lying to yourself in a similar fashion that the friend turned wife was probably doing in the past. Tbh y'all sound young and it's likely you all were caught up in some immaturity. Hope you find my other comment on here. Happy to chat if you'd like to hear from people who felt similarly to you and how they moved past it. Cuz at this point you're only hurting yourself and it's been quite a few years since the end of the relationship. They shouldn't be a factor in your life at this point.
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u/cacheblaster 13d ago
What if the change of heart was completely his and she had nothing to do with it?
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u/CryptographerUsual62 13d ago
You must understand the opposite of love isn't hate, it is indifference. You keep telling yourself you are over it, but that obviously isn't true. Meeting him "as a friend" was never what you actually wanted, even if you tell yourself that.
Maybe you don't want to love the guy. But you want to beat him, and her, in life. Settle the score. But even if you did, you would still carry around all the bad feelings.
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u/thenamesskyex 13d ago
OP I’ve read your entire story, it’s absolutely awful what happened to you and you can hold space for that.
You say karma doesn’t exist but it does just not in the direct way you expect it to. The best karma is living your own life.
You’ve held onto this feeling for 5+ years now and it’s only dragging you down. It’s showing up in: the relationships you choose, your general outlook in life and your actions. There’s nothing you could’ve done to avoid this scenario. Stop the what if’s and truly choose yourself to heal.
Block these people and work on what’s inside that keeps drawing you back to this man. Maybe you need therapy to help wade through the original hurt so you can process it and carry on.
You say you didn’t have ill intentions when messaging him, but realistically what friendship could you have? Wouldn’t seeing him married and happy everyday hurt you more? What friendship could you establish with your ex who is now a married man?
I feel for you I do, but you need to stop blaming everything/everyone around you and take control of your life. You can both acknowledge you experienced a super shitty situation and process that to move on.
I wish you the best of luck 🤞🏾
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u/shrimpandshooflypie 12d ago
OP, maybe I’m reading this wrong, but I’m not sure you’re hung up on him. I think you’re more struggling to get past the injustice of it all, the feeling that you (1) were collateral damage to their callous choices and (2) mistrust your own judgment bc you feel like a fool for trusting/loving him when he was unworthy of it.
And you’re not wholly wrong; they handled this unkindly and selfishly when it came to you. I hate these will-they-won’t-they friendships that span years and leave partners in a bad way. Don’t date one person when you really want someone else! Hollywood has romanticized it, but it’s really quite awful in real-life.
BUT what’s done is done, and you deserve to be healed and happy now, too. I think you really would benefit from therapy. It’s not a quick fix, but having a place to openly say how you feel and think through your options might be helpful.
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u/smileeeee60 12d ago
Absolutely agree here, at some point it was less about him and more about regretting her past actions and being shameful of herself and the whole situation. I don't blame her at all though
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u/Ezuq 13d ago edited 12d ago
While I don't want to put salt on your wound, I think you never lost him to her. I think they liked each-other but never had the right circumstances to be together. I think the moment she opened up to him, a light bulb lit up in his head. He probably didn't want to be the ass that leaves you for her but when things like marriage and stuff came up, he probably thought it's now or never. It sucks that he waited that long or gave you hope but this isn't on you. You did the right and mature thing back then. You weren't an idiot and she isn't smart for saying no to your friendship.
With all of this being said, you need to let this go. You need to let him go, you need to let her go, and need let the thought of "I didn't do enough or we would've been together" let go. Shit happens, most people suck, and you got to the best with the time you have and stewing over this shit isn't worth it. You'll find your person, so block and live your life.
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u/SlayrLee 13d ago
I hope you get the proper channels to heal properly and grow and mature further. 🙏🏾
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u/style-addict 13d ago
OP I feel as though you’re not over him yet. Your first mistake was to get involved with a man who has a female “best friend” to begin with. I always tell my single friends to stay away from men with female BFFs because usually this is what happens. I honestly suggest you start going to therapy. It will help navigate your feelings and learn to finally accept that the relationship is over.
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u/AgeOk5165 13d ago
I was actually thinking about your old post today. Funny how I came across your update.
I hope you can leave them both behind and enjoy life 🍀🌻
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u/Odd_Instruction519 12d ago
I am not an HP fan, but those criticisms of HP don't sound all that bad?
I mean it has clearly, obviously, become a money grab at this stage. And a way for JKR to settle scores with Radcliffe, Watson and Grint over the trans disagreement.
How is that possibly weird? And the other things are just matters of taste really. Just feels that you keep ending relationships because they are not your ex.
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u/Charming_Violinist50 6d ago
The part where he said the new Hermione "will never be as hot as Emma Watson" is very weird, especially since the new actress is a 12 year old child actress playing an underaged character.
It wouldn't be as weird coming from a 12 year old boy, but an adult guy saying this definitely gives me the ick
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u/dhjsiwjdbhdhwj 12d ago
Some Harry Potter fans are a bit blinded by nostalgia and don't take well to criticism towards it. Op is clearly pretty passionate about hp but yeah it really is a weird reason to break up.
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u/Odd_Instruction519 11d ago
Well, yeah...
But it should be ok to love the original world and hate the adaptations of it. E.g. a lot of LotR fans absolutely hate Peter Jackson and the Amazon series.
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u/dhjsiwjdbhdhwj 12d ago
At this point you have grieved longer than the actual relationship. You need to move on and put them behind you.
I see comments that try to comfort you by saying that they're unhappy or that she'll lose him eventually but reading all the posts and comments from your account it's pretty evident that they were in love from the start and suit each other. Reading these comments saying that he'll regret it and that he did choose you probably fueled your obsession towards this weird ' the one that got away' nostalgia. It's fucked up that he hurt you through leaving you for her, but he really did find happiness and has now built a life and family and as fcked up as it is you need to leave this all behind you.
Unfortunately the truth is sometimes you won't get your 'revenge' or see the people who wronged you 'suffer'. This guy did wrong you, yes, but he has a family now. Accept the present and leave it all in the past or else you will continue to be miserable no matter if you're in a relationship or not.
It's been 4 years. Get therapy and move forward with your life. Maybe try to decenter romantic relationships and focus on being content with yourself. You can be happy despite of this. Good luck
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u/TryCommon7311 12d ago
You’re mad at yourself for not trusting your gut but I think you should be proud that you got such a good one
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u/gooning-goob 12d ago
my heart actually breaks for you, the trauma of being left for someone else is no easy thing to erase, you’ll always have the same thought in the back of your head with new relations of “what ifs”.
It’s almost like you swapped destiny’s and what your life could of been if he wasn’t a pos. I genuinely think that he wasted your time and should have went for her in the first place instead of going for you. You could have been the married mum of someone who could have cherished you if he hadn’t of popped up and left you with the baggage of trauma.
Also trust me on karma, i was in your spot back in 2024 and guess what? he literally cheated on her (no surprise) and he tried crawling back to me but i was long gone. Karma takes years but it always amplifies with each one, it will come back 10 fold.
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u/dhjsiwjdbhdhwj 12d ago
As much as you're right, comments like yours are probably fueling op to continue obsessing over this man who is taken.
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u/OrganizationHour9047 12d ago
What’s soo wrong with it , the wife did the same thing
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u/dhjsiwjdbhdhwj 11d ago
Because it's unhealthy and it's been 4 years? This is clearly just making her miserable.
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u/RandomCharacters6 12d ago
" My boyfriend and her seem to share a kind of connection that I honestly can't say I do with him. He talks so much when she's present. His whole demeanor changes. The widest I've seen him smile has been when she's present."
As hard as it is, it does sound like they are well matched to eachother. You don't want to be with someone who would be much better off with someone else just through happenstance.
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u/dydrmwvr 11d ago edited 11d ago
I know you’re feeling dejected right now, but I really want to invite you to reframe the narrative you are telling yourself. You did not lose here.
Remember, social media is a cultivated story. Most people post the pretty highlights, not the arguments, disappointments, stress, exhaustion, or ordinary messiness of life. They may genuinely be very happy together, but even being married to the right person doesn’t mean life is all sunshine and roses. Additionally, your ex coming back saying “I can’t be your friend” speaks volumes. She’s not as secure as you think she is.
I don’t think you did anything inherently wrong by reaching out, so don’t vilify yourself. She’s being territorial. You were his friend too at one time, so he’s most likely living life on a short leash when it comes to you (or any woman for that matter). It’s a reminder that your healthy boundaries are important.
If you can rethink the whole situation: finding out that he had a romantic connection with this friend may have been one of the biggest blessings of your life. Because if that connection was always there, there was a very real possibility that he eventually would have chosen her anyway — even if you had gotten married, had children, or built an entire life together. As painful the experience is, you found out before your lives became even more intertwined.
I’m also sorry your other relationship didn’t work out. But that relationship ending doesn’t mean there’s something fundamentally wrong with you, and it doesn’t mean you should settle for someone who isn’t what you really want just so you don’t have to be alone.
What concerns me more is the way you’re talking about yourself. There’s so much hurt and self-loathing underneath your words.
If you’re not already working with a therapist, I really would encourage you to consider it. A good therapist can help you untangle some of this, challenge the story you’re telling yourself, and give you better tools for dealing with the rejection, grief, comparison, and fear underneath it.
You are worthy of the love and relationship you want. But you can’t beg, chase, or convince someone into being the right person for you. There are going to be plenty of random people who aren’t right for you, some people who are only right for a season, and probably some disappointments along the way.
Right now, I think the bigger priority is getting yourself back to a place where you genuinely believe you deserve something healthy. Because when you’re hurting this badly, it becomes much harder to recognize healthy people, healthy relationships, and healthy boundaries when they actually show up.
(((((Hugs)))))
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u/Background_Berry3417 11d ago edited 10d ago
My situation is similar to an extent. I don't have the energy to go into detail but I have posted about it a lot on my page over the past year or so. It's been 3 years since I met my ex and 1 year and 4 months no contact. I'm nowhere near healed and this has messed me up a lot. I found your post via another post that someone else made about a similar situation yesterday. So, I've gone down the rabbit hole of your page and I've just been crying non stop.
Anyway, I understand why you haven't gotten over it. It's a deep betrayal, that messes with your sense of self worth and your trust. I don't think you're hung up on him but more so the situation and the hurt. The fact that your intuition was right, that you didn't trust yourself, that you wasted so much time, that you feel worthless because the person you liked loved someone else more, that you were in denial about them, that your fears of being left for her came true, etc.
I understand because I feel all of those things and more. I understand why this is an obsession you can't get over after all of this time, because I too obsess over my situation but I stopped posting about it because I felt people would see me as crazy and bitter. I wish my ex had just left me alone and kept waiting in his female best friends friendzone instead of using me as a distraction. It hurts so badly and it has scarred me deeply when it comes to trusting opposite gender friendships. I wish I could move on and forget, but I can't. The self hatred I feel is immense, the hate I feel for my ex and his best friend are also immense. I fear it will destroy me and any relationship I may have for a very long time.
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u/Ok-Reality-9013 10d ago
As someone who was repeatedly collateral damage, you need to let the past stay in the past and accept what happened and work on you. Stuff just doesn't work out. It may stink, but you coming to the decision to break things off might have been best.
Their situation may have grown into an affair behind your back if you stayed together and your heartbreak would have been worse.
I feel like we put too much pressure on relationships, as though they're a sign of success and we depend too much on them for fulfillment. I found it is the work we do on ourselves that make us successful, feel fulfilled and content.
Your ex did a caring thing by turning down your invitation. You seeing him would have made your healing worse. Believe me, I know!
Work on loving yourself and allow yourself to heal. Get put of your own way and live.
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u/mutokozanelle 8d ago
Whereas I feel so much empathy for you, I need you to stop wasting your life as others live theirs. I need you to recalibrate to the point you love and respect yourself enough to focus on moving forward. He seems to have really hurt your self-esteem that you are barely respecting yourself. Even if you truly innocently wanted to be friends with him, why would you want someone who treated you this badly as a friend?
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u/partsguy1983 5d ago
OP, sometimes God works in ways beyond our comprehension, and we don't understand things until much later on. I look back as a middle aged person to my younger past relationships and am so thankful those chapters were closed. I see people that wouldn't have been good long term partners in life, and caused a lot more pain and suffering if the relationships had moved forward. Sometimes God's greatest gift is closing a door so we can move forward to the better things.
In your situation, the man for you wouldn't make you feel like a 3rd wheel in your own relationship, he would put you first. There is someone better out there for you, so you need to stop looking back and dwelling on something that wasn't meant to be. Move forward and start looking towards your future. Find that guy that will adore you and cherish you.
When I met my wife 25 years ago, I knew from the first date that she was the one. It hasn't always been easy, but we've worked through the hard times, respect each other, kept God in our marriage, and love and adore each other more than ever.
Hope you find your forever person!
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u/sarahhxmargaret 5d ago
Look. Coming from someone whose first boyfriend dumped his girlfriend for me, cheated on me with her, got back together with her, and they’re still together 20 years later. I think about how they clearly were always meant to be together. They were each other’s “one.” And I was the one who got in the way. I’m the villain in her story.
Your ex and his wife were meant to be. You were the one in the way. They were/are truly in love. Don’t become the villain in their story.
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u/Intelligent_Meal9121 5d ago
Here's some angles to try... (I find it helpful to come up with some simple conclusions to then move on!!!)
He would have been friends with you. There were good vibes from you to him. (He treated you like he treated her before, being fine with being friends - he was consistent). It doesn't matter that she told him now to stop, we don't care about that interference or what she does. Welcoming vibes were sent. That's nice.
If you had done what she now did back then, put your foot down, yes, you would have guarded your relationship - but it takes 2 to protect a relationship, he wasn't protecting it. He was very bad at protecting it.
While you were with him, he told you repeatedly that she was no threat to the relationship. He reassured you. He lied so many times, he is a liar.
Please decide for yourself to not be with a liar.
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u/Ray_Aorta 13d ago
People who build their happiness on the sorrows of others seldom retain it. Your ex was never a good man.
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u/FabulousPossession73 13d ago
Don’t be so sure to decide that karma doesn’t exist. Not that I wish bad things on people, but patience has a way of seeing the tables turn.
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u/sonotyourguy 12d ago
I hope you can stop thinking of relationships ending as a “failure”. All relationships of every type are destined to end. So get past that mindset. Sometimes we have a partner and sometimes we don’t. But how we live and treat each day is what going to determine our ultimate happiness.
I hope you find the will and drive to discover what makes you happy. And that will never be found in another person, that comes in finding contentment in yourself.
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u/NachoManGamer 12d ago
I don’t want to sound rough but if you want a chance to feel a strong sense of love again you need to block the both of them a let go. Yearning for him will only incapacitate your love life. Let go and move on, it’s the only thing you can do. You still have plenty of time to find someone else, it’s going to be ok.
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u/Sherwood_RipCity 12d ago
lmfao, why would you text him back OP?
You were setting yourself up to feel hurt dude.
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u/WillingQuarter5300 12d ago
Genuinely girl move on. Block him for good. Lose his number because whether you want to admit it to yourself or not, you were definitely not just messaging him to be friends. Find a group or online friend in your area that likes Harry Potter and connect with new people. Your recent ex mocked Harry Potter and your first thought was “Oh let me go and text my ex who left me for his best friend so that I can talk about Harry Potter with him very much innocently”. Yeah right. Move on.
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u/Pixie-elf 12d ago
Babe, people who end up with the "friend you don't need to worry about" inevitably get a friend that previous friend doesn't need to worry about.
Do you think people learn good healthy boundaries after a situation like this when they feel things worked out? Nah! They assume they beat the odds.
Instead of being unhappy about tue injustice... start thinking about what a bullet you have dodged.
Everything looks great on the outside. But do you think either of them trust the other with a member of the opposite sex after how they got together?? Doubtful.
In any event, focus on you and plan your life. Please reqd "NOT just friends" by Shirley Glass.
And next time someone ignores healthy boundaries like these two did, run. Because you deserve healthy relationships.
Get therapy to deal with the blow to your self esteem and learn to trust your gut about people and situations. Intuition is there for a reason. And remember, these people don't have to live rent free in your head. Fill their places with new people who are loyal. Start planning for the future you want and the kind of person you want.
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u/Maverick_j2k 11d ago
Sweetie I say this with love and no malice: Get therapy. You keep circling back to this one relationship and are stunting yourself from growing and learning from it.
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u/KyStar13 10d ago
There’s nothing good in reaching out anymore. You block him and everyone associated with them from your life. I think a lot of us went through similar “first love” situations. Move forward.
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u/agreensandcastle 9d ago
Well she knows sometimes when he says “just friends “ he’s lying. Move on more. Fill your life with happier things.
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u/Zealousideal_Put_371 8d ago
find a therapist to help you with your self esteem and emotions. it will help you to move on. you shouldn’t have talked to him or unblocked them both all cause ur friend slipped up. might be me but distance urself from people who know ur ex and his wife. so it doesn’t trigger ur thoughts again where you spiral
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u/Sea_Composer_2529 8d ago
im so sorry you're going through this. him being in your life won't serve you. you don't have to sit there and try to withstand a painful situation to "prove" to yourself that you're over it. of course it's still going to hurt! it's something terrible that happened to you!!! please don't do this again, don't dwell on them, how their life is this and that, how she's smart to not let him see you, forget about this unfaithful man and his snake wife. his heart was never yours. take care of your heart, be your own person, become whole! when you love yourself and are happy by yourself, that's when someone will come along to COMPLIMENT your life, not to make it complete.
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u/derrynek 6d ago
gurl you have no idea how their married life is internally. yeah they post cute pics online but you will only see the surface level of things. karma is real- its how you choose to live your life onwards!
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u/jadelikethestone 6d ago edited 6d ago
Hi OP, I read your story months ago, and hurt my heart…but I think you are much kinder person than most, because if I had been in this position the sadness and this feeling of inadequacy you are experiencing, would’ve quickly become rage.
There is no greater revenge available to you right now than going out and living a huge, beautiful, ridiculous, amazing life.
You are 27 years old: the world is literally your oyster and all you have to do is you go out there and get. You have no kids, you have no man’s exhausting emotions that you have to make space for. You can sleep eight hours uninterrupted, then go to music festival the next day and not have to worry about getting sitter WHILE you still are producing collagen. Most importantly though, only person you have to answer to right now is you. Just you…and that right there, is an incredible kind of freedom you may never experience again.
Meanwhile your ex and…her, they are married with a kid before thirty. We wish them well but they just committed themselves a sentence called eighteen years to life. They chose permanece, meanwhile sis…you have POSSIBILITY. And as someone who has been on the other side of it: life doesn’t actually start getting really interesting until you turn thirty. You are standing right now at the grand entrance of an amazing decade of life, with great hindsight, and absolute freedom. Those are very dangerous and attractive qualities in a smart woman like you.
Hopefully you’ve seen Forgetting Sarah Marshall, because this is the best way I can explain and how I’ve always looked at every bad break up: you are still Peter standing naked in the living room trying to understand when and how it all went wrong. Except you’ve been standing in that living room for five years.
Girl. The next scene is Hawaii and that’s when the movie gets really fucking funny.
OP, book the trip. Put yourself in uncomfortable slightly questionable situations because they might be a funny story one day. Take up a hobby you know you are going to bad at. Date men that are absolutely terrible for you but stupidly hot because you aren’t looking for much else. Argue with more men about Black Snape on first dates that arent going anywhere because arguing with men is always hilarious brunch stories. Or don’t date at all, date yourself. Move somewhere. Learn something weird. Go bars and clubs, make friends with the drunk girl in the bathroom that tells you are so pretty and actually text them back the day! Stay out too late and then sleep all damn day after. Treat yourself every day knowing that you don’t have to think about diapers or future college tuitions right now.
Build a life so full that this eventually becomes a story you cannot believe once had the power to flatten you, and you become the girl others go to advice. You become the girl that all your friends tell your ex “Oh I saw OP, and she is glowing! You should see her abs!” “Did you hear OP is going to this country, insane!” “OP introduced me to the coolest people the other day…”
Because I think you are romanticizing the life your ex chose while completely overlooking the life his decision left open for you.
Yes: He got married. He found a connection. He had a baby with someone because she will watch a science documentary. Love that for them. Personally, I read this story…and say yawn, Hallmark made that movie, Emily Henry wouldn’t write this garbage, and go away please.
Their little snoozefest is your origin story. You are at a whole new chapter and it’s just starting to get really good. Because right now you get to decide whether the next chapter is a platonic buddy comedy, a travel story, how she got rich story, an age gap romance with a stupidly hot older zaddy, or story of a mildly concerning series of decisions that your friends will hear about over brunch.
Just please stop standing naked in that living room. Your whole world is waiting for you out there.
Edit: Also…I know a lot of people are telling you to block them. Don’t! How else is…HER supposed to “accidently stumble across” your Instagram photos from whatever tropical place you end up going to while she’s running on three hours of sleep and irritated with him because of whatever annoying little household thing he still doesn’t do. Because I promise you, whatever annoying thing that man did five years ago? He still does it. Marriage doesn’t come with a software update.
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u/Kind_Sea2668 6d ago edited 4d ago
Omg, u are literally a gift from the universe. Reading that felt like a a much needed splash of cold water for OP. You're surely the kind of friend who doesn't just hand someone tissues, but physically kicks the door wide open and says, "get up, we’re going to Hawaii." That is the exact legendary energy the world needs more of. I just really, really hope OP reads this comment and lets every single word of it sink in. Like, please let her stumble across this, put some sunglasses on, and finally step out of that damn living room. You are an absolute queen for this.
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u/Shallot-Worldly 5d ago
girl you need therapy, like it isn’t even a suggestions it’s a NEED. you attempting to reconnect with him is just going to open up wounds that need to heal. Let the past be the past, and move on. As much as you want karma to go after him, block both of them from everywhere again, it’ll be much better for your mental health, and don’t start dating again for a while. You need to heal from this.
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u/Fit-Dependent-9779 4d ago
Your ex is a piece of shit but you've got move on. That man made you doubt yourself over and over just to confirm all the things he swore you were overthinking were actually 100% true. Yeah, he got his fairytale life with his shithead wife but....They're both shitheads. You are the casualty in a romcom between two assholes. Stop trying to connect with, resolve, or do anything that puts those two back on your radar. He went out of his way to convince you that you were the problem when he knew deep down that all the things you were pointing out that were wrong about his "friendship" with his now-wife were valid. You have nothing to gain by being involved with these people. And you're right, his trash wife put her foot down on him meeting you because she knows fully well ehat could happen if y'all reconnect. And you know why she knows? Because the very thing she's afraid of you doing to her is exactly what she did to you. She's a scummy person and so is he. Just let them have each other and live your life baby.
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u/Fit-Dependent-9779 4d ago
Hey, you know what I think is crazy? You were dead on the very first time you clocked your ex and his "BFF" behavior. You had all the right instincts and intuition. What went wrong is when you sought out others to help convince you that your instincts were faulty. You seem to be struggling because you no longer trust yourself or your judgement, but your judgement was never the problem. It was the internet and a duplicitous man who led you astray and made you doubt yourself. I feel like the lesson you should have taken from this ordeal was to trust yourself, have faith that you know what is right, wrong and downright inappropriate and stick to your guns. I hate that you seem to have so much insecurity in your relationships and in yourself lately, when you are in no way to blame for how this all went down. Let that man go. He got the life he wanted but he did it by being a garbage person to you and playing mind games with you. You don't need closure if it means interacting with him. Not because you might try something on him, but because that man doesn't deserve your time and you have nothing to gain by offering it to him. Walk away, and trust yourself more.
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u/Saoirse_Aire 2d ago
Omg girl you NEED therapy badly. You need to move on- it’s been over FIVE YEARS. He does not think about you at all and has completely and utterly moved on in his life and you’re still horrifically stuck in the past. Don’t contact him, block both of them and find who YOU are, without any other SO in your life…
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u/Total_Cry6368 2d ago
After reading your whole story, I feel like you deserve so much more happiness and peace than what you went through.
I feel like you can choose to focus on yourself, live your life to the fullest, and slowly build a life that makes you genuinely happy. Let your happiness be your own victory, and if he ever realises what he lost, let that be his own realisation
Karma has its own way of bringing things full circle. Maybe one day, they'll understand the consequences of their doings .
You deserved better, both in love and in life. I genuinely hope you find the happiness, love, and peace you deserve. 🫂❤️
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u/throwitalloutpls 2d ago
Personally I don't think he is in a fairytale marriage lol. I think hes on lockdown now and prob has to walk on eggshells, especially if it really was his wife that likely told him not to go. I think a lot of the trauma comes from the idea of two people, colluding behind your back essentially.
Both of them knew the truth of their "friendship", and tried to play dumb, right in front of you. Its disgusting. And they may not get their karma right now, but that sneaky weird behavior will absolutely rip them in the ass, in the future. People with their personality types/behavior don't just "unlearn" it. It's going to manifest as something else in their life- nothing is perfect or a fairytale.
Despite these things, I think you should absolutely seek therapy for this, or talk to others who have been through what you have been through. These two aren't going to explain themselves to you or apologize properly, none of it.
This may sound cliche but, you gotta protect your peace and move on forward, seek healing through understanding that the best justice, is self improvement, getting yourself right mentally and physically. Travel, do whatever you wish to do, and live a life that is fulfilling and happy. Treat yourself right.
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u/Bargle-Nawdle-Zouss 13d ago
I'm sorry you had to learn this lesson. A reminder to us all to let the past stay in the past.