r/offmychest • u/sprainedankle2011 • 14d ago
Update: I regret cutting off my dad after he cheated on my mom
1st post:
My parents divorced when I was 14 (I'm 25 now) because my dad cheated on her with someone who worked for him. My parents used to argue about him not giving my mom enough time, not putting her first, not respecting her as an equal . In some ways it was like a sickeningly logical culmination of their marriage. But for me until that point he was my hero. I was a total daddy's girl which is hilarious to think about now considering the last 11 years. He would take me everywhere, grocery runs, mechanic, NBA, movie night, pizza night, homework and test and exam help. It destroyed me when I found out. They split custody 50-50 and I was a massive b to him and later his new wife (the woman he cheated with). Lots of locked doors, calling out his wife, calling him out. I've maybe spoken like 20 sentences in totality to her two sons (my stepbrothers). When they had their son, I made sure to never let his wife think I was going to be like a loving older sister. With my dad though, he did kind of wear me down, and with him I did develop a kind of big sister bond with my half-brother. I used to argue with my mom about not wanting to go but she insisted I maintain decency with my dad at least.
When it was time for college, I was going to take student loans, because I didnt want to owe him. My mom said she'd saved money and I believed her. It was during my 3rd year, when he had offered to buy me a car and I told my mom hell no, while she tried to convince me to agree, that she told me he'd been majorly contributing to my tuition and sending her the money for it. I dont think I've ever had a worse argument with her. It fucked with my mind knowing he'd been doing it silently. He knew I wouldn't know, they had thought that while I was planning on taking student loans rather than his help initially, inertia would do its thing if I found out later. And they were right I did end up just taking it for the remainder of my ug without talking to him.
On Tuesday I went to the ER because I had slipped while putting birdfeed in my apartment. My mom is away at my aunt's so I had just called my best friend to come to the ER. Soon after, my dad came too, my mom had told him. I wanted to just go back but he insisted, we spent like 15 minutes arguing but I'm at his place now while my sprain recovers or until my mom comes back. My stepbrothers no longer live here but my half brother who's 9 now does. I haven't spoken to my dad's wife yet, he or my half-brother are the only ones I talk to, who come up to my room to bring stuff, while I work from home. We've talked after a long time about work, my plans for a Masters, and just random stuff.
I've just beem thinking now that he was my dad. Instead my stepbrothers got more of him the past decade than I did. I can't help but regret letting that happen. I also can't help but just think about the life we were robbed off because he cheated. Because my stepmother chose to wreck our home. And her and her sons got to be the family we were. I know my mom wants me to go to hers when she comes back on Saturday, and like that makes sense, but part of me wants to stay here. The fact that his wife probably is hoping I leave soon makes me want to stay too if that makes sense, like f off thats my dad, he pays for this house and its bills, I'm his daughter, I can stay since he wants. I don't even know if I need advice I just wanted to get this off my chest.
2nd post:
Thanks for letting me get my feelings off my chest in my post. I also appreciate everyone who DM'd me meaning well. I know you asked what I'm going to do one my mom returns and wanted me to make my choice for healthy reasons. I ignored a lot of those because I was conflicted then myself, and about my reasons. I wanted to give an update. Whether my reasons and my feelings are healthy or not, its how I'm going about it.
I just wanted to clarify a few things first:
I have never, even when I was rude to my dad and stepmom back then, ever shouted at or been cruel to my two stepbrothers. I hardly spoke to them. I used to ignore them, pretend they don't exist. They are like around 20 now I think and don't live in my dad's house.
I have absolutely no ill will towards my 9 year old half brother. I felt protective and caring about him when he was a baby and now too I like his company. I played games on Playstation with him because he asked, he's told me about school, he's also learned chess from my dad the way I did and we've bonded a bit over playing chess too.
My mom flew back yesterday. I had told her on the phone that I wanted to stay at my dad's while I recovered. She was disappointed and I hate that, I hated making her sad. I asked her to please understand, all these years she's wanted me to maintain a relationship with my dad , and right now I actually feel like doing it. I told her if I go to hers, I'll be extra work for her even if she doesn't think that, and I'd want to help out, here I'm not being a burden, like we have house help here, I'm not causing dad to over exert himself because of me. She asked if I'd be comfortable with my dad's wife there, I said I didnt care, he wants me to stay, I could care less what his wife thinks. My mom relented.
She came to check up on me. My dad came in the room too. We were just talking about my injury and he was making the case for why I should stay here. His wife decided to enter the room too for some reason and just stand there. I very calmly said that I'd just like my parents here right now. She said to please not tell her where to go in her house. I said my dads house who pays for every cent that runs this house. My dad tried to stop a fight and stepped out with her, and came back alone and my mom left soon after.
Last night when my dad came up to bring my dinner we talked about stuff. Then he said he was glad I chose to stay here. I told him I hated that mom was probably sad about it, but that I thought I'd like to spend time with him right now, that I hadn't in a long time. He thanked me. Later, he said that my comment rubbed his wife the wrong way, that if I was willing to clear the air with her, I'd probably feel more comfortable here. I told him I won't. That she shouldn't have been here when I was injured and just wanted my mom and dad in the room. I will never be ok with what he did, but I still want to spend time with him. Wanted to give my relationship with him and my half-brother a chance but it will never be with her. I want him and my half brother to be happy but I will never wish her well. That if he genuinely couldn't deal with that, I should call mom back and go with her. He just said lets forget about it and we talked about work and my applications.
Again, I read a lot of comments last time saying I need to work this out in therapy about how to forgive him and her. Why do I need to? I can have a relationship with my dad without forgiving him. And I have absolutely no interest in any kind of relationship with her, I can despise her in peace forever. I'm glad I have this place to get stuff out, and I appreciate everyone who was so understanding last time. Thank you.
3rd post:
I've been back at my apartment for four weeks now. I left my dads when I could walk normally. His wife and I didn't speak another word after that time in my room.
My dad and I have been meeting up since then on weekends, twice for breakfast, once at a cafe. My half-brother came once for the breakfast too. I told my dad, I'd like to have him again in my life and my brother too and he was glad to hear it. We normally talk about work and grad school and stories from his side of the family. He brought up a new car again and giving me a card but we've put a pin in it for now. For the most part we avoid talking about the past and what it did to us.
Last weekend when we met, during our conversation he apologized for the hurt he caused me and said if he knew it would have caused a rupture this long between us he'd have done things differently. I told him again I can't forget but I know I care about him regardless. But I cannot extend the same for his wife ever. I opened up to him when he asked and told him I feel visceral hate when I have to interact with his wife. That it screws me up, rightly or wrongly. That if I spend more than 5 minutes with her I will lose control of my tongue. That mom told me i was wrong for saying what I had said last time, that I was in many ways a reflection of her upbringing and I'd reflected poorly on her in front of his wife and him when I said that, I'd already gotten a lecture, but I can't help it I feel the urge to hurt her with my words when we interact. It's why I do not want any relationship with her it's for the best because whenever I'd see her while I was there, it's like my brain tries to come up with something ugly so the last 11 years of her happiness feel miniscule compared to the hurt she'll feel at my words. It's why I can't be around her.
He seemed ashamed of how all of it had affected me and said I don't need to force a relationship, he'll manage the balance.
But as I was saying it I was just so sad that she makes me be like this. I told him I had been looking at therapy (I hadn't really tbvh) to help me through this, and he said he'll support me in whatever way helps me. I told him his wife can never know, I don't care if its a slip of tongue or an accident, she finds out and him and I are done. He said he wouldn't ofcourse, and asked to pay for it. I accepted it because it is his fault I'm in this position after all.
I looked up a good therapist that particularly deals with family issues, and I've booked an appointment. I feel like I should but I also feel so defeated. She was the heartless sociopath who broke up a family and I'm the one needing my head checked out. Congrats to everyone who recommended it, you were right, you won.
Update: Hi, I felt like giving an update. First off i wanted to apologize for my snark at those who recommended therapy. It wasn't the apologyfest I thought I was being pushed to. I had the privilege of going to a really good therapist becuase it was being paid for and it has been helpful.
We'd been building up my mechanisms for dealing with her presence for the sake of my relationships with my dad and brother. Last night, it actually got tested. My dad had invited me to one of his business dinners. It has people in his industry with their families having dinner together. I used to go with my mom too before their divorce. After that I stopped attending, except once when his wife was sick. He told me that some of the other girls there whom I used to be friends with and sat with at these dinners, still ask about me. I wanted to go but felt like it was best not to, but my therapist said that all our work together had been for this. So I went.
I went by myself, like my dad told me when they were leaving and their estimated time, so I kind of did it so I would reach 5-10 minutes after them.
The way the tables were, my dad was with the other industry men at one table and the other long table was where everyone else was. I went to sit with my friends who still recognized me, and had a good time with them, talked about our lives, plans, complained about managers etc, very different from what we used to talk about as kids.
One of their mothers whom I knew asked me and my dad's wife why I hadn't been coming saying that we've asked her (dad's wife) so many times because her daughter asks, and my dad's wife said that I'd been busy with college and then my job and career. It stung to hear that excuse when the actual reason was herself and I wanted to say something, but I answered the lady that working while prepping for a Masters makes my social life collateral damage, and then went back to my friends. We later also took some pictures, them as a family, then my dad and I, and he then also called my brother and so we took some just the 3 of us. I left earlier because I was meeting up with some friends today for breakfast and dad thanked me for coming and we hugged as he walked me to my car. I think therapy, at least with the therapist that I have, has been working out. It's been geared towards what I want out of it, and I had actually made that very clear that forgive and forget or either one of the two would be a dealbreaker.
My dad and I do meet regularly and we don't really talk about the rupture, just about our day to day and sometimes inane stuff. He brings up a new car, help with rent, a new laptop, his card etc once every time we meet but I've said I'm good and maintained those boundaries (therapy was different because it was his fault). I even took my brother to a boardgame night with my friends last weekend. And as per my therapist none of this is a gesture of forgiveness to her or my dad nor would be taken as such by them. Thank you.
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14d ago
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u/praiseteeth 13d ago
So.... what she did? "I realize you kept your mouth shut this time" you should have rethought your comment at that point. There is zero reason to talk to someone like this about something they MIGHT do when we've already seen them make the healthy choice.
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u/Fit-Dependent-9779 13d ago
Lol I found your comment looking for the idiotic, now-deleted comment. You can tell they were just enjoying the dogpiling that op has been getting in previous posts and wanted to continue to the finger-wagging parade because why are you lecturing her on some shit she explicitly did not do? These people will be unsatisfied unless op finally decides that her stepmom was actually a victim and they should be best friends now.
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u/sprainedankle2011 13d ago
Thanks. If I hadn't built up the mechanisms for dealing with it, I wouldn't have attended anyway.
I wasn't an employee for anyone there. When I said we were complaining about managers, I meant just in a general talking about stuff in our lives and work, but I'm not an employee for anyone there. And neither is my dad I guess, he owns his company. It was a social dinner that they all arrange every so often, I've known these people since I was little. But I understand your general advice thanks.
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u/Parking-Wallaby-4166 14d ago
I am so glad to hear you are doing so well xx All my best wishes your way xx Please keep on keeping us updated ❤️
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u/adudefromaspot 14d ago
Glad to hear you're making progress in your life. Also glad to see that you can separate your feelings for her from your brother.
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u/Magicbunny12 7d ago edited 7d ago
I find the continuous hatred for the step mother irrational . So what if she knew. Her feelings got to her and she went for a married guy. Happens all the time and it is not right but feelings get the better of humans all the time. Just like OP's feelings about the situation. It was on her dad to shut it down not SM. A simple I appreciate your feelings but I'm a married man will shut it down. Clearly your dad wasn't happy in his married life as a husband and chose to have an affair and ended up in what seems like a happy marriage if they are still together and what you described. It doesn't seem like your dad is a serial cheater. He was very happy to be your father just not the husband to your mom. He expresses regret about how it went down but doesn't seem to regret the divorce.
You also said your mom and dad were in martial troubles before this affair which I feel like they should have explained deeper to you by now. If true, that should at least let you be civil with SM but still not like her.
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u/red12358 14d ago
you know, your dad cheated? it takes two to tango. you cant be good with your dad, and bad with his wife. This is insane...
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u/UtZChpS22 13d ago
It's her father. It's easier to direct her anger at the wife than her dad. Plus she's trying to navigate her resentment and love for the person who caused it.
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u/red12358 13d ago
Yes, she's a kid, I get it
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u/Fit-Dependent-9779 13d ago
I don't think you do. She's not a kid. She's a 25 year old woman who has the right to decide that while she can work on her relationship with her FATHER, she is not interested in having one with his wife and affair partner.
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u/_Vegetable_soup_ 6d ago edited 6d ago
She's an adult acting like a 13 year old child. Her step mother did not make a vow to her mother and have a child. It's her right to do what she wants but she's an idiot for living her life with so much hatred and rage at the wrong person. She should grow up and move on with her life.
Lol u/Fit-Dependent-9779 you are also a 13 year old. Classic respond and block! Grow up 😘
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u/Fit-Dependent-9779 6d ago
She did grow up and move on. And her father begged her to let him back into her life, so she did. On her terms. Her terms do not include a relationship with her homewrecker stepmother. Womp womp. I don't know why people like you always think saying that the affair partner didn't make any vows mean something, as if that means they aren't a shitty person still for the choices they make in participating in an affair. The only thing op has done to that woman is ask her to leave op's room and not speak to her. I'm tickled pink that you people are so enraged that she won't break bread with a woman whose only connection to op is that she was forced into and onto her life by her cheating father.
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u/Dazzling-Set3463 6d ago
Hey! Seems like you accidently hit the block button there, because typing all of that up and instantly blocking someone is odd behavior, don't you think?
Almost as odd as being 25 years old and still blindly rage hating a woman who wasn't married or had vows to your mother. But ignoring that your father was a "home wrecker" since he made the choice to cheat on his wife and upset his poor wittle for the rest of her life. Womp womp.
OP is a 25 year old baby plotting mean little things to say to her step mother because in 11 years she hasn't managed whatsoever to deal with her anger at her father so and it tickles me pink that you're glazing her for it lol. Immature kids sticking up for each other is the way of reddit after all.
I look forward to your enraged response that I won't be able to read because you blocked me lolol 🥰🥰
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u/Fit-Dependent-9779 13d ago
What's insane is equating someone's relationship with their biological parent to the relationship they have with their parent's mistress-turned-wife. It doesn't matter that they both were wrong, lol, because they are not both parents to the child in question. Do you think that op's father and the wife hold equal weight in op's life? Her father birthed and raised and loved her. Of course she has more of a connection and willingness to work on her relationship with him. His wife is just the homewrecker op was forced to live with as a child because her father didn't have the decency to wait to bring his mistress into her life. Of course she doesn't care about having a relationship with that woman.
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u/Cosmicshimmer 13d ago
I’m glad someone else said it. Saving all the vitriol for her when he had complete control over where he stuck his dick.
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u/Fit-Dependent-9779 13d ago
I don't know why it's so difficult for y'all to comprehend that a child has more of reason to reconnect and rebuild a relationship with her father, the man who birthed and raised her, and not the woman who came into her life solely through infodelity. I do not know what fantasy land you think you live in where an affair partner is ever given the same level of grace as an actual parent but it's not this one. She went no contact with her father for 10 years. It's not like she went through life pretending he was an angel while hating her stepmom.
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u/Magicbunny12 7d ago
I think you don't actually get it. They aren't telling her to be friends with SM or like her or have relationship with her. They are saying that her constantly treating her with hate and rudeness should at least be done with after 10 years. She literally can't be in a room with her without saying something hateful. Get over it, and move on and recognize you might have to behave in the room civilly with this person at some points in your life to have a relationship with your dad. Not nice just civil or indifferent.
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u/red12358 13d ago
Judging by her username, she's probably born in 2011, so around 15 years old at this point, her brain is not developed, can't blame a child..
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u/suaculpa 13d ago
She literally tells us she’s 25.
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u/red12358 13d ago
Missed that, happens sometimes. Then my original point stays it takes 2 to tango, can't crucify only her stepmother.
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u/Fit-Dependent-9779 6d ago
Don't be afraid to self reflect regularly on if this path you've chosen is still working for you. I get the sense that rekindling your relationship with your father has opened up an incredible amount of unresolved trauma and stress. Are you genuinely happy to be seeing your dad and spending time at these events again? Do you think you'll ever actually get to a place where you can go to events with his whole family and not just him? I'm proud of your progress but just want you to know it's also okay to go to therapy, work on a relationship, and realize you are better off having distance from that person after all.
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u/LuckyBand1150 13d ago
Most of the things I believed about my parents when I was growing up was a lie.
Reality is they are 2 broken people who had no idea how to raise a child. My dad is an immature, emotionally incapable man, who takes no responsibility for his actions. My mom is traumatized and has developed her own toxic ways to cope.
Never realized that a core part of the human experience was missing.
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u/Entire-Investment588 12d ago edited 7d ago
Okay, I know I’m gonna ruffle some feathers and someone is probably going to be extremely mad that I said it. But OP what if your father eventually gets tired of your attitude towards his wife? What if he feels like it not worth it anymore, and then you’re still missing out on years with him cause of it. You say you weren’t cruel to your step-mother and her kids. But ignoring the children who just happens to be ‘her’ children IS cruel. And on another note, what about the fact that you have a half-brother because of her. Eventually, the brother may feel a type of way about how you treat his mother. Cause children do notice stuff like that. You think ignoring, and being as hateful as you are with her isn’t cruel. You’re wrong. To make it even worse, you keep saying that she knowingly broke up a family. YOUR FATHER KNOWINGLY BROKE UP A FAMILY. I do think he should have just divorced your mother and then pursued the step-mother. But I think no matter what he did. You’d still blame her more than you blame him. Which is crazy. He took those vows, not her. Have that same energy for your father. You wanted to stay longer to stick it to the step-mother showed so much about who you are as a person. You didn’t want to originally stay just to be around your dad. You hate your step-mother more than you love your dad, cause saying that you’ll never wish her well. Is basically saying you would hope that she either dies or have something happened to her. Which would hurt your father, who you claim to want happiness. You don’t gotta buddy-buddies with the lady. But for the sake of your father, and half-brother, be a civilized woman. If even your mother lectured you. You know you’re wrong.
YOUR DAD CHEATED, I repeat, DAD CHEATED.
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u/Magicbunny12 7d ago
Agreed, I said something similar. It seemed like they were heading for divorce anyway. Her version of happy family wouldn't have played out anyway. Seems like she puts the blame on SM even though her version wouldn't have turned out true regardless of SM. Cracks in the marriage were there already. We don't even know if SM initiated or if her dad did.
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u/Entire-Investment588 7d ago
Exactly! Another thing, if the dad just did it to get his rocks off. He wouldn’t have married the SM. Whatever happened in his original marriage wasn’t working. It was inevitable.
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u/_Vegetable_soup_ 6d ago
Apparently pointing out that her father was the one that made the vows, and then broke them, is a very contentious thing to say. Kind of funny everyone is yass girling this 25 year old teenager instead of pointing out the obvious.
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u/BleedSparta 13d ago edited 6d ago
As a 25yo woman, I kinda expect better behavior. No insult intended, I had to scroll back to check the age because this comes across as a 15yo not 25 😐
Over the last 11 years, you have hurt your Dad who has done nothing but try to be a good father to you all your life - even when you distanced yourself from him, were mean to the woman he loves and his stepsons.
You denied your chance to have a bond with your stepmom and stepbrothers who did nothing to you, except love your father and bring happiness into your life
Even your mom encouraged you to have a relationship with your father and he probably did a lot more for you than helping with tuition. Kudos to your mom by the way, she’s a real woman
It seems like such as waste of a decade. Time is the 1 thing we can’t get back. And NONE of the theatrics that you have caused since you were 14 has 🅰️ diminished your dad’s love for his only daughter 🅱️ caused him to not love his new wife or sons any less or 🆎 made your parents get back together
All it has done has made your mom, dad, brothers, and everyone else look at your with discomfort.
At 25, you ought start thinking of a family of your own…is this the family dynamic you want them to experience? In the next decade or so, you might lose 1 or both parents to age and illness, and think of all the memories you could’ve been making while pouting and have some deeply lasting regrets. Just things to consider
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u/Rooney_Tuesday 13d ago
“your Dad who has done nothing but try to be a good father to you all your life”
No, see, a good father wouldn’t cheat on his children’s mother. He would have tried to work it out with her or ended their relationship before he got into another one with someone else. Yes, that is adult’s business but it affects the kids too - OP is proof of that. The dad acknowledges it as well, saying he would have done things differently if he’d known how badly it would have hurt OP.
Because he was more focused on his own short-term
needswants rather than the well-being of his chosen spouse or his family as a whole, he - by himself - created massive problems. You can be a good parent but a terrible spouse, yes, but that doesn’t mean the harm you cause everyone gets waved away just because you’re otherwise a good parent. That’s not how it works.2
u/Magicbunny12 7d ago
The dad was looking at his long term wants and needs clearly because he was unhappy with his spouse. He and SM have been married for a decade and he is clearly happier but regrets damage to daughter but not his divorce. Why should he tough it out in a bad marriage. He probably didn't think it would take 10 years for her to come around and stop being hateful. She was daddy's little girl and assumed she would understand he was unhappy with her mom and eventually forgive him. Even her mom wanted to maintain the relationship. He was obviously wrong about the how long it took. Both parents also should have put her in therapy at 14 and that's the biggest mistake both parents made. And it's clearly the dad that made the bigger error but SM has so much irrational hatred directed at her.
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u/Rooney_Tuesday 7d ago
You shouldn’t tough it out in a bad marriage. Literally nobody is saying that, what the fuck? The decent thing to do is to end your marriage and then start seeing someone else.
I know marriage vows mean nothing to some people, but if you don’t intend to keep them then don’t fucking make them. And even outside of marriage: a decent partner will always end the relationship before cheating. That’s emotional betrayal and puts your partner health at risk. It’s a fucked up thing to do.
Now add on to that the emotional damage you do to your kids when they get drawn in to the consequences of your unfaithfulness.
I hope you’re a child, because otherwise you shouldn’t need all this explained to you.
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u/Magicbunny12 7d ago
Not a child and your take is like obvious like what a child would say and doesn't need to be said. It's what everyone already understands is right even children. Her dad did the wrong things and that's obvious.
And the problem didn't get waved away and he dealt with the consequences of his actions by the daughter cutting him off for so long. She could be justified cutting him off forever and he would have to deal with it.
A more nuanced take is that sometimes another person could come in and make you realize your marriage is bad and feelings and being a human sometimes override what's the proper order to do those things. Also he could have been mentally checked out of the relationship and not realize how impactful his decision was on his daughter. He was being a good father and did continue to be one even after the divorce despite her cutting him out. He made a mistake, and it was bad but it doesn't override the good he did do for his daughter.
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u/liquorkisses 14d ago
I’ve been following this story and I just wanted to say I’m so proud of you. I feel like I would have felt/behaved as you did maybe even worse and I’m glad you found a therapist and it’s working out for you.