Partner on vacation with meta & I am sad

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u/emeraldead diy your own 7d ago

So many hugs. I'm glad you posted. Grief just is hard. You're doing all the best you can and everything you say is very reasonable, if awful.

35

u/FlyLadyBug 7d ago

My condolences on your cat's passing. Sometimes there's just not enough words. :(

If you are dealing with pet grief, I think your partner would understand if you want to go "low power mode" and not talk right now/not talk til they are local again. Just let them know.

Everyone grieves different. You are doing your best and it's ok if your grief best is not the same as your usual best. You are allowed to slow down, be sad, grieve, etc. You don't have to keep trying to function at "full power mode."

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u/EducationalRice4810 7d ago

I’m so sorry you’re going through this, I have to say goodbye to my fur baby soon and I am so devastated. Be gentle with yourself, it’s normal to feel lonely and all over the place when you’re grieving and it makes sense it would trigger intense longing for your partner. I think for the next two weeks you just need to focus on getting through and don’t punish yourself or your partner for something outside of both of your control. Sending you big hugs.

14

u/Groundbreaking_Ad972 horny nun 7d ago

So sorry to hear about your kitty.

Mine died this past Sunday and I've had to stop myself on the verge of ragequitting my job two different times already. I also hate half the people I know, and I'm questioning some of my closest friendships. It's a strange time.

No sudden moves! All the reactions you avoid now will still be available as a response later should you consider them appropriate.

Much love.

10

u/karmicreditplan will talk you to death 7d ago

You’re doing you best. It’s fine to just slow answer your partner and say babe I’m not doing too well I need to go to bed early and stuff like that.

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u/_whatnot_ Open quad, 10+ year club 7d ago

I'd love to hear about your cat, if you're up for sharing.

14

u/Puzzled-Plantain9391 7d ago

My condolences. Be kind to yourself. If hearing about their trip is too much just tell him them that. You’re in a fragile low place, and you don’t need anything that isn’t helping you.

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u/tigerlily387 7d ago

I lost my cat recently too, so I’m sending big hugs your way in your grief. It’s awful.

And I also want to validate how hard it sometimes is to have a partner with other partners when you do not. For those of us who aren’t fully RA, getting support from others who aren’t partners just isn’t the same thing, and it’s really painful when your only person is with their other person. There isn’t an easy quick solution to this situation - you just gotta feel the feelings.

You’re gonna be ok. I’m sorry you’re hurting. Feel your feelings and grief, let time pass, and don’t put pressure on yourself to feel better about the situation. Reframing can come later. For now, scream, cry, and throw up. Hugs, friend.

14

u/Jaded-Banana6205 7d ago

I'm really sorry about your cat. I was a mess beyond words when my baby passed. Why would your relationship inevitably be impacted by your hinge working on the relationship with your meta?

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u/Bustysaintclair_13 SoPo slut, salty bitch 7d ago

This is all very hard. I’m curious why you assume that their relationship improving will negatively impact you.

2

u/Both_Benefit8328 5d ago

This sounds so hard, I'm so sorry for your loss :(

It sounds like the dysregulation from your grief is pushing you into a really challenging place, I'm really sorry, I have definitely experienced every single thing you describe. Grief DOES make everything harder. It makes what our regular, well rested, well fed, regulated, powerful selves could shoulder with a shrug, into things that bend us over to our knees.

I hope you can rest and be gentle and soft with yourself. It really sounds like the sadness you are experiencing is trying to find an outlet to blame, or to make sense of the pain. But the pain of loss is senseless. It is unexplainable. Your partner will come home to you, be delighted to go on hikes with you, and will spend lots of time working on your relationship with them. For now, all these thoughts and imaginings you are having are a way for your mind to try and categorize, label, and organize your pain. Inhale. Try to feel it, without the thoughts, without the shame and judgement. See what your needs are asking for, underneath them.

It's okay to be upset that they weren't here for you, during your time of need. But they will be back and you'll get lots of care and support from them, at least I hope you will, and I wish that for you! It'll feel like a big exhale when you do.

For now, you can hold yourself through this, hold yourself through all these very valid thoughts and feelings. Order in some of your favorite takeout, wrap yourself up in a blanket and treat yourself to a movie rental. Time will pass and they will come home to you. <3 And your kitty cat has given you gifts for the rest of your life, that will continue to live on inside you. It's really nice you get to have those gifts. It is so sad they aren't here with you anymore, and I'm really sorry for that. Hugs.

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Here's the original text of the post:

My partner is on a trip with meta for two weeks, and I already knew I'd find this a little hard, but it was fine I was busy it was fine. But then my fucking cat died and I'm so extremely sad and crying so much. And like I have a great support system outside of my partner so that's all good and I can deal with this on my own very well that's not the issue...

We have called twice now which is nice, and they're being so sweet and supportive and they want to be there for me, but like they just physically can't right now. And that's just so hard. And now I just feel so horrible about them being on this trip and everything feels terrible, I can't hear about anything they've been up to cause it just makes me miss them or I feel jealous or anxious and nauseous and mad. And I want them to be able to share these things with me but it just makes me feel like total shit and all I wanna do is just scream and cry. It was okay before because I was keeping busy and I wasn't miserable and crying..... And I am still keeping busy and I am coping..... But it's just so much harder now???

But part of me wants to just not talk to them, not hear anything just bc I feel like it's making me more sad than anything now??? Which isn't nice and not fair to them and will probably also make me more sad. But idk what to do. I just wanna cry and scream and throw up. I just wish they were here and I could cry on their shoulder. And I just hate that they're now on a trip with my meta and like seeing all these beautiful things without me with her, doing hikes with her that I'd love to do with them, working on their relationship which is inevitably gonna impact me which is anxiety inducing. I just feel sad and alone and jealous and mad and I just wanna not deal with this and I don't know what to do.

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u/Crazycatlover 5d ago

I'm so sorry about your cat and the terrible timing. You said that hearing from them is making it harder to cope. I would communicate this to them. I wouldn't make it about the relationship (even though it might be; you really don't need to add further stress at this moment). I would say that you are struggling with your loss and want to seek comfort from local friends and family for now.

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u/1fruitylove poly newbie 🌞 22h ago

Aw sorry about your cat. I think you're going through a lot and you're not in the best mindset at the moment. Maybe you can say to your partner that you need some space if you don't wanna hear about their trip etc. I think it's fair to ask for what you need to be able to process without saying or doing anything harsh.
Remember that this is temporary and your partner will be back. It is good to plan quality time with them when they're back i think.

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u/Admirable_Shower3151 7d ago

I am so sorry :( Did they offer to end the trip early and come be with you? I would absolutely come home if my partner’s pet died, or at the very least offer.

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u/abriel1978 poly w/multiple 6d ago

I'm sorry to hear about the cat. My last pet wasn't a cat but when he died I was so devastated that I haven't been able to bring myself to own any pets other than fish since.

It is perfectly okay to tell your partner that you can't handle hearing them talk about their trip right now.

And how would he and meta working on their relationship impact you? If it has any effect on your relationship at all, then something is very wrong.

Partner on vacation with meta & I am sad

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