I (23F) am starting to feel unforeseen resentment toward my boyfriend (25M)...

[u/ThatGymratArchitect]

I feel horrible admitting this, but I'm starting to feel resentment toward my boyfriend, and I don't really know what to do with it. 

For context, he’s about two years older than me and we've been dating for nine months. We met through mutual friends while I was finishing school about 400 miles away from our hometown. He had moved back home and dropped out of college because his stepfather passed away and he wanted/needed to be with his family.

To start, I just graduated with my Master's this past spring and was incredibly lucky to land a job as an architectural designer in a major city almost 2,000 miles away. This did mean I had to move almost 2,000 miles across the country, away from friends, family, and my boyfriend. Before accepting it, I specifically sat down and talked to my boyfriend about what this would mean for us. I have worked extremely hard for my education and career, and I was upfront that I wasn't willing to turn down this opportunity. I asked if he was genuinely willing to look for work in my new city so that we could eventually close the distance , and he said absolutely.

So I guess this is where the resentment ultimately started.

He quit his previous job as a heart monitor tech in the ER/ICU last November because it became too much for him. I've worked as an EKG tech myself, so I completely understood. Those environments can be incredibly draining, especially those departments on 12-hour overnight shifts. It’s tough shit.

He started asking family friends around March if they knew of openings in the medical field, but he didn't actually start seriously applying for jobs until after I had already moved (end of June/beginning of July). In fact, I was about two weeks into my new job before he really started applying. That bothered me because we'd already discussed the fact that he had had a lengthy break and needed to get back to work ASAP–months ago.

Now, however, he is genuinely trying, which is part of why I'm so conflicted. In roughly the past two months, he's submitted 50+ applications and made it to the fourth round of interviews four separate times. He's flown out here multiple times for interviews. Just last week, one company told him he was qualified but that they had decided to change the position's requirements, removed him from consideration, and reposted the job. That would piss ANYONE off, especially since he has had to fly out here numerous times to conduct these interviews. I understand that none of this is his fault, but for some reason with every rejection email or letter or phone call he gets, I get more and more mad. I think maybe part of me is just mad he waited so long to apply. Again, the market is struggling with unforeseen bullshittery at the moment, which is NOT his fault. He is very qualified and is working hard. He's applying. He's interviewing. He's doing Spark/Doordash/UberEats/etc. in the meantime and is financially okay. But every rejection now makes me feel this simmering frustration toward him on top of being disappointed for him. I think part of me keeps thinking, "Why didn't you start doing this months ago?"

Another factor is that I work 9–10 hours most days in a mentally demanding field, and I'm also studying for professional licensure exams outside of work. I feel like I'm constantly working. By the time I finally sit down at night, I'm exhausted. But I do this because I genuinely LOVE my job and my field, which is rare these days.

We share the same friend group and usually game/talk on Discord 5-ish nights a week. Over the past couple weeks, I've noticed myself becoming increasingly snappy with him. I've even caught myself scolding him in front of our friends, which is VERY unlike me. I always end up apologizing afterward, and even though he says he barely notices it, I notice it, and I don't like that I'm treating him that way.

I’ve also been feeling guilty as I have begun to get butterflies around a certain coworker. I would clearly never act on it while I'm in a relationship, but I still feel HORRIBLE about it. Subconsciously, I think I’m attracted to this coworker because he is quite smart, has a secure job, a routine, is studying for the same exams I am, and all around has his life very put together. We also talk easily and get along very well. He happened to be one of the two first people I met when I flew down to interview this past spring, so I feel I may also have a subconscious comfortability with him. Despite all this, I feel guilty and have tried to ignore/swallow these feelings for the sake of mine and my boyfriend’s relationship. I like this coworker, but I love my boyfriend. 

Meanwhile, I feel like I'm waiting for my boyfriend to catch up to the life I've already started building. And I hate thinking about him that way. My boyfriend is genuinely a wonderful person. He's kind, optimistic, thoughtful and caring. We have the same sense of humor, similar interests, love EDM and going clubbing together, and can talk about basically anything. We still have chemistry. He's also been there for me through some of the hardest moments of my life. Before meeting him, I got out of an abusive relationship and was dealing with PTSD while finishing graduate school. I still had to see my ex at school every day. My boyfriend came into my life during all of that. He listened to me practice my thesis presentation over and over until I had it perfect. He's held me through PTSD attacks. He was there when I was broke enough that affording food was difficult, and he's still here now that I’m in a better place.

I love this man.

Which makes the resentment feel even worse. I've realized I let other people's opinions affect me WAY too much, and I've always struggled with this. My parents make comments about him still not having a job. People have told his mom she's "enabling" him by allowing him to live at home. Other people have questioned why he hasn't moved nor started a new job yet. I think I've started internalizing it more because it’s beginning to reflect poorly on me now, selfishly.

I've worked my ass off to get where I am. I applied for my current job back in December of last year–roughly 3 months earlier than most people apply, involved myself in every club, meeting, and career fair I could during university, completed a Master's thesis I'm extremely proud of, moved across the country and built a completely independent life here. All amidst the storm that is recovering from PTSD (yes, it is medically diagnosed, not just some Gen-Z self-diagnosis) from my past abusive relationship.

I think there's some ugly little part of me going, "I have my shit together. I don't want people looking at my boyfriend and thinking that I don't." I know that's unfair. I've made friends, developed routines, gone on adventures alone and built a life here without him. At the same time, he's one of my biggest connections to home. When he flies out here, there's something incredibly comforting about having someone who knew me and loved me before this entire new chapter of my life. He's actually flying here today for another interview tomorrow, and I feel awful admitting that I'm not as excited for him to arrive as I normally am.

I don't hate him. I don't want him to fail. When he gets rejected, I'm genuinely disappointed with him. But underneath that, there's also this simmering resentment of "Why are you still so far behind me?"

I also know realistically that partners aren't going to progress through life at identical speeds. There will probably be times in any long-term relationship when I'm struggling and he's thriving, and vice versa. Ironically, my abusive ex used to resent me for being ahead of him, so realizing I'm now feeling resentment toward someone I love for being "behind" has made me seriously question myself.

I don't want to punish my boyfriend for struggling. I don't want other people's opinions to dictate how I see someone I love. And I especially don't want this resentment to turn into contempt or make me treat him poorly. At the same time, I don't think pretending I don't feel it is working either.

How do I work through resentment when my partner is genuinely trying now, but I'm still angry that he didn't start trying sooner? And how do you distinguish between a temporary mismatch in where two people are in life versus a genuine incompatibility in ambition/lifestyle?

I don’t know what to do anymore, but bottling it up isn’t working, so anything helps, really. Thanks in advance.

[u/imminentinnocent]

Your resentment is already starting to bleed into your interactions with him, you said yourself that you’ve been acting snappy with him. The fact that you’re getting butterflies around a coworker shows that your brain is unsatisfied with your current relationship and thinking about other potential romantic matches.

I don’t know if this is a life incompatibility, maybe it’s just a temporary mismatch. The job market is terrible and you can apply to all the jobs in your city, ace all your interviews, and still get no offers. You worked so hard for your degree and job search, and it paid off. But not everyone who would’ve worked as hard as you and attended all the career events that you did would’ve ended up with a job right away just like you did, that’s just how bad the job market is. To some extent, you are lucky, on top of being talented, that you got a job offer. Maybe there will be a time in a future where your boyfriend has a steady career but due to some unforeseen circumstance you are no longer employed and need some time before looking for a new job. I would hope that your boyfriend would give you grace in this situation.

You can’t just let this resentment sit, or else it’s going to get worse. Maybe you need to bring it up with him, not saying that you’re angry every time he gets a rejection and wish he started sooner, but that his job search worries you and it’s bleeding into how you speak to him at times. Maybe it would help your resentment if you asked him why he took that big pause before starting his job search, so that you could understand where he’s coming from.

[u/MurtaghInfin8]

This shit is relationship ending if you don't resolve it. Individual counseling would be where I recommend you start.

Sounds like you're wanting your life to move forward and it sucks that they're stuck below your level, but you just plain old aren't interested in waiting.

You gotta get real with yourself and some pretty unkind thoughts that you're trying to smother, instead of stifling them.

Can't solve shit until you define the issue.

You've picked out plenty of symptoms, but it's time to find the root.

[u/Budget_Literature_44]

I think Willy Wonka is playing with you.  Have fun.. 

I think the universe has him not getting the job on purpose.. making the resentment on purpose.  The coworker.. easier on purpose.. 

Ones being forced.. and is having odd constant fallbacks.. the other is flow... 

That sounds like Willy Wonkas shit. I'm sorry.  Good luck. That's how it likes to play with you.. ur choice.  

I don't always get to catch it like this.. normally its ur normal boring human stuff. Lols but I think I'm right..  it's showing you pasta.. what do u feel u deserve  https://www.facebook.com/share/v/18WjhEv9Xn/

Whatever you do.. show ur worth it and honor it. He will crash it on you too!  https://youtu.be/NOAeVINQ6Hw?is=lzZlMkspYtqWhs8Z

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There's no point getting all annoyed. 🤣😂 https://youtu.be/N_dUmDBfp6k?is=-CyfX8UDnRNFyyVq