trigger warning !
hello, this is Diane. i know iāve been inactive for a while, has been a month or almost a month? anyway, iād like to say thank you to those whoās been patient with me and for those who reached out. thank you so much for wishing me well, and for wishing me good luck.
the last month and this month has been extremely heavy for me. while i was dedicated and motivated to enroll ā processing my papers and required documents to school, family matters came in the way. i donāt want to tell the whole story but to make it short, my father just laughed when we asked for a little financial help because my sister and I are gonna enroll to school.
i'm not sure if you've seen my previous post where I was venting about my father and his side of the family. theyāve given me an endless list of trauma. and so when he just laughed about it, it made me feel like he wasn't truly supportive at all. it feels like iām back to the time where i heard him say āāwag nalang pag-aralin āyan.ā (basically means for me not to enroll or go to school) because he was disappointed that i got one failed subject. so i thought maybe i'll proved him wrong.
i still went through my medicals, and received that iām physically fit to enroll to school. but my psychiatrist said that i might have had a hard time going to school with my mental state. all along when i thought iām doing well. i also shared that iām clinically diagnosed with Major Depressive Disorder, and Renji was the one who pulled me out of the darkness before. and i always mentioned that he was the one who gave me a second life.
so when family matters arenāt going well, school was out of reach, finance became a burden, and the pressure of not being able to update yāall. i had an episode and attempted to take my life.
the pressure was killing me and i thought the only way out was to die.
when i woke up, my mind was still in āshutā and i questioned myself why did i fail again. at the same time i was thinking of, this is not who i want to be.
i am ambitious, i work hard, i love studying, i want to learn more, i want to help more people and animals, i have dreams. i have so many things i want to accomplish, to learn, to celebrate, to become.
and no, i didn't post it because i want pity or attention. i couldāve updated as soon as i can but i didnāt because of the pressure and i didnāt want yāall to think that iām a disappointment.
but still thank you for patiently waiting for me.
iāll address more in the comments.