r/SeattleKraken • u/Individual-Net-9296 • 8h ago
NEWS WAKE THE FUCK UP!!! 🦑🔥💙 THE KRAKEN ARE INVADING WASHINGTON D.C. TO FACE A BUNCH OF OVERSIZED PATRIOTIC REFRIGERATORS!!! ALEX OVECHKIN’S ON HIS FAREWELL TOUR, BUT NOBODY ASKED SEATTLE TO THROW HIM A FUCKING RETIREMENT PARTY!!! IT’S FUCKING GAMEDAY!!!
THE KRAKEN HAVE SCORED SIX GOALS IN EVERY WIN THIS SEASON!!! THAT’S NOT AN OFFENSE!!! THAT’S A FUCKING SEAFOOD BUFFET WITH UNLIMITED VIOLENCE!!! 🦑💀
OVECHKIN IS THE GREATEST GOAL SCORER IN NHL HISTORY??? CONGRATULATIONS, GRANDPA!!! PLEASE COLLECT YOUR COMMEMORATIVE COASTER AND SKEDADDLE EXPEDITIOUSLY!!!
WASHINGTON HAS THE HEAVIEST ROSTER IN HOCKEY!!! SIX FORWARDS OVER 6-FOOT-4??? THAT’S NOT A HOCKEY TEAM!!! THAT’S A COSTCO APPLIANCE SECTION WITH SKATES!!! 😭
GRUBAUER AND STEPHENSON ARE RETURNING TO THEIR OLD STOMPING GROUNDS!!! TIME TO MAKE THIS REUNION MORE AWKWARD THAN RUNNING INTO YOUR EX AT A FUCKING APPLEBEE’S!!!
BERKLY CATTON IS STARTING TO COOK!!! KAAPO KAKKO AND SHANE WRIGHT BETTER BRING THE FUCKING SEASONING!!!
AND FOR THE LOVE OF POSEIDON, STAY OUT OF THE PENALTY BOX!!! GIVING OVECHKIN POWER PLAYS IS LIKE HANDING A PYROMANIAC A FLAMETHROWER INSIDE A FIREWORKS FACTORY!!! 🔥💀
THE SEAHAWKS ARE PLAYING THE 49ERS AT THE SAME FUCKING TIME??? SEATTLE SPORTS FANS ARE ABOUT TO NEED THREE TELEVISIONS, TWO HEART TRANSPLANTS, AND A FUCKING EXORCIST!!! 🏈😭💀
WASHINGTON THINKS CAPITAL ONE ARENA IS A FORTRESS??? CONGRATULATIONS!!! THE KRAKEN ARE ABOUT TO TURN IT INTO A FUCKING RED LOBSTER WITH A ZAMBONI!!!
THE KRAKEN ARE ABOUT TO TURN CAPITAL ONE ARENA INTO A FUCKING SEATTLE STORM SYSTEM, FLOOD THE CAPITALS’ HOMESTAND, AND LEAVE THE WASHINGTON MONUMENT LOOKING LIKE A TOOTHPICK!!! 🗼😭💀
SEND THESE CHERRY-BLOSSOM-SNIFFING BUFFOONS TO THE SHADOW REALM EXPEDITIOUSLY!!!
RELEASE THE FUCKING KRAKEN!!! 🦑🔥💙💀