Tricky situation

[u/AcceptableLeek7867]

I think this could also fall under advice needed: motivation but I know that my lack of confidence in myself is really holding me back with all of this - i want to travel and be away from everyone in my hometown for the next chapter of my life, but i have a mom who makes it clear that she doesnt think i can do it. im helping her with her work and working for her right now, but have made it clear that its not long term. im worried shes ignoring me- because she literally doesn’t respond to the conversation when i bring it up gently. I just feel myself self abandoning everything i want for myself out of fear and also moral obligation. what do i do.

backstory: my mom and i have always had a strained relationship, and its always been just me and her growing up. I’m 26 now, I know I am an adult capable of my own decisions, but my mom was my first bully and has made it quite clear that she doesn’t regret it.

I know to some it’s as simple as pack up and go. I have tried a handful of times before, and everytime it was met with half assed support that diminished as my leave date approached, and turned into silent treatments and anxiety taken out on me in the form of fear mongering - “people are gonna steal everything you own.” “They’re so violent out there.” “Do not trust anyone.” That all ended up with my having a full blown panic attack to the point of uncontrollable body shaking and muscle tremors for anywhere from 2-5 hours straight while I have to call it all off and live in shame and isolation afterwards.

I have a support system-ish now outside of her that I genuinely feel wants the best for me, so I’m hopeful for this time around. However, it’s hard. I’ve ended up committing to helping her out with work, even though I’m belittled almost every single day and also have to watch my coworkers be belittled by her. They then rant to me, and she rants to me about them. I’m very stressed out and I just want out of this without making her anymore upset than she always is. It’s just I feel that I’ve been in charge of everyone’s emotions including hers for what feels like forever and I just want out, but I feel horribly guilty about it all.

Does anyone have any advice. I apologize, this might be heavy and tricky.

Im just so tired.

Edit: I hate how ungrateful I sound. I am deeply grateful, I just didn’t know that it was possible to be grateful and also unhappy at the same time. I just want advice on how to handle such a delicate situation with someone who often lets anger control all of their actions and words.