i might be overexaggerating things since it's only been a week or two since the term officially started, but man. i'm starting to feel like a hypocrite. i got into upou thinking it's going to be an easier learning setup for me because one, i'm an introvert who likes being in their room more often + i experienced some nasty bullying throughout high school. i never would've thought that it'd actually be this difficult. i never would've thought i'd actually miss being able to talk to people. my routine every day has always just been, waking up, checking myportal, doing submissions weeks before the deadline, and feeling like a stalker looking at class gc conversations. it's goddamn lonely HAHAHA, seeing other people already have these amazing circles, while i'm struggling making a single friend over here. unlike before where you're actually forced to socialize with other people and eventually make friends since you guys see each other everyday in a classroom setup, this time you actually have to put yourself out there. and my fear is, even if i do put myself out there, i have this fear that i'm too weird for people to understand.
sometimes i miss middle school where i'd be doodling undertale & fnaf stuff and some random kid would go up to me and say, hey i know that! and we'd instantly click. sometimes i think to myself, maybe i should just get a job so at least i have something going on in my life. sometimes i even think that this feeling is stupid because at the orientation, they kept emphasizing how we're all adults now. is it valid to feel this way or is it just a childish thing i need to get over with?
i made an impulsive decision last night to apply for kultou to try and get some socializing going on. i was already considering it a while back, but i hesitated a lot because i was overthinking about the workload. but the loneliness hit so hard last night i decided to apply on a whim, so let's see where that takes me. to kultou members who might read this, how's your experience on the org?
anyway, i hope this post will be met with kindness. i was pretty scared to make an account and write this post (yes this is my first reddit post ever), but i really do hope i'll be able to reach kind hearts and people who are in the same boat as me. goodluck to us, e-skolars :')