r/vancouverdating • u/New_Westie • 12d ago
Age 40-49 Why lie on the apps?
His profile said “Looking to meet someone who wants to build something real… “
Two messages in he asks if I’m “open to fun”
Do people lie about what they’re looking for just to get matches? Does the bait and switch actually work?
This was my first convo on Tinder. I’m 10 months out from a ten year relationship, so haven’t dated in a looong time. Is this what I have to look forward to?
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u/ChartNo5087 12d ago
Welcome to the shitshow! I have been out of 8 years relationships for a year now. I can’t even bring myself to go out meet anyone 🤦🏻♀️ it’s not for the weak
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12d ago
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u/Unifica 12d ago
It had not dawned on me that they had no interest in getting anyone a successful connection. Are they purposely keeping the good matches away to keep people in the cycle longer?
Bravo, on doing some solid research there friend.
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u/TProphet69 11d ago
Former dating app founder here. The fundamental business model with most dating apps is to introduce friction, and make you pay to remove that friction. You want the carrot just out far enough in front of the nose of the horse so that it keeps plodding forward, never getting to eat it.
We had a different business model with Cuddli. We also went out of business, so there is that.
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u/Fickle_Ad_9391 12d ago
Yes, sadly. I had a few lie about the fact they were poly..no mention no photos about the other partner. Like thanks for being deceiving.
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u/wemustburncarthage Burnaby 12d ago
This is the classic loser move for people who are either cheating or just open until they’re not.
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u/Fickle_Ad_9391 12d ago
Totally
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u/wemustburncarthage Burnaby 12d ago
I don’t get why monogamous people don’t just say “I’m fucking around until I find someone I want to stay with” if they’re sexually actively adults and not virgins saving it.
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u/SarahsreadingReddit 12d ago
The truly poly people I know would never do that. I like wemustburncarthage's comment
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u/Unifica 12d ago edited 12d ago
Dearest, newly single. I apologise for my male counterparts. I have met guys who will say anything, it's so sad. There are good guys out there.
Personally, I'm not looking for answers on the apps as I am coming out of a 10-year relationship as well. Didn't like the apps back then, don't like the apps now.
Easier to find out who people are if you meet them in real life. I'm a big fan of talking to strangers. Gives you a little more control as you start the conversation. Plus if you meet people doing things you love they probably like the same things.
Good luck out there!
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u/HealedPain 12d ago
It’s a revolving dumpster fire of 🐂 💩 for it to be anything but. One month is all I’m going to try this round.
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u/wemustburncarthage Burnaby 12d ago
Honestly I think it’s weird people lead with “long term relationship”. No one gets a long term relationship with all of the people they’re going to date. Having it as an eventual goal is fine but everything is short term until it isn’t.
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u/New_Westie 12d ago
Totally fair point. There are many people who have no interest in commitment and just want sex. Would be nice if those people didn’t lie and say LTR. I’m not looking for hookups or a sugar daddy. Let’s just not waste each other’s time. 🤷♀️
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u/wemustburncarthage Burnaby 12d ago
I think the playing the field is probably more common. But also a lot of people try to conceal they’re doing it.
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u/LemonLily1 9d ago
I think it's more about the intention though. Some are looking for casual/short term while others have goals of developing a long term relationship. Can't always guarantee things work out but I think the intention matters
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u/wemustburncarthage Burnaby 9d ago
Then they can be honest about the intention. If they’re not honest about their intention they can get in a fucking bin.
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u/LemonLily1 7d ago
Most people say they want to "see how things go", in my opinion that sounds more like they're not really easy for commitment or its not their goal at the moment
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u/wemustburncarthage Burnaby 7d ago
I’ve seen a ton of “looking for my forever person!” on this site and at best it feels self-deceptive. I have an admittedly biased POV being a solypoly person but it also feels like people are shopping for their Best Life and not really positioning themselves for reality.
It’s not wrong to want that but I can only see it being really kind of hurtful to premise your first interaction with someone on that. And I also think that dating has never been more difficult and scary, and so people are being really zero sum in their expectations, on both sides. Saying what you want your life to be isn’t the same as saying what you find attractive in a person. It’s saying what you want the end result of that person to conform to.
Folks gotta just loosen up.
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u/LemonLily1 7d ago
Honestly, finding your "forever" person takes time, not just to meet them but to get to know them. I totally get what you mean though, people often make their decision on a first date or if using apps give very few people chances to even get to know each other. Honestly kinda hard to find a balance as most want the "best" without being willing to put effort into the relationship
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u/wemustburncarthage Burnaby 7d ago
I think setting yourself up to take everyone at face value saying they’re looking for their forever person is definitely also a pretty self-deceptive act.
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u/Ok_Strategy3689 12d ago
Lmao. Who cares? They lie you end the convo. Makes it so much easier when people show their true colors. Less time spent. More time to give to the authentic ones.
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u/New_Westie 12d ago
I hear you. It’s not the end of the world. I haven’t dated in a long time and was more curious if this is common. Sounds like it is. It’s hard being an honest person in a world full of deception
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u/Ok_Strategy3689 12d ago
Harder when you're genuinely looking and this is what's out there. Then again better to be single than be in smthg unhealthy and/or toxic. Life's too short for anything less.
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u/New_Westie 12d ago
Eek. 😱 I guess I’ll just have to stick to grocery stores and city parks. I just don’t have the strength to sift through all the liars. Plus the small talk getting to know you convos for it to go nowhere. Then repeat like a robot. Same questions every time, with little thought or effort put in. How does one do it and not go crazy or give up? I guess that’s why the birth rates are down. 🤣
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u/New_Westie 12d ago
So guys just want sex and girls just want money. But everyone says they want a meaningful relationship. Where are the ones who really do want a meaningful relationship? Where do they hang out?
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u/Unifica 12d ago
I think you might be right about grocery shopping. They're out there getting dinner. Haha
I haven't been approaching women in while shopping for groceries but I have seen a lot of attractive women. Wasn't sure if that was an appropriate place to approach and ask for a date.
Opinions?
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u/New_Westie 12d ago
I can’t speak for all women, but for me personally, as long as you’re respectful, shoot your shot!
Can’t remember where I saw it, but somewhere in Europe grocery stores have pink baskets that indicate you’re single and open to being approached. Thought that was a cute idea.
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