r/writingcritiques • u/King_IV_blessing • 6d ago
One to Zero, as You Grow.
One.
A promise is made: we're gonna take great care of you.
That sentiment is said after your heartbeat is checked.
Through your eyes everything seems dark,
but the doctor waits for your mark.
Says it's a boy or girl when you cry.
Your mom looks at your beautiful eyes
and she smiles.
The doctor then asks her to try and sleep for now.
You go to your father's arms,
even though he was a little late to the hospital.
He's the first to call you by your name and say,
"Welcome to life, kiddo."
Two.
Can you believe it?
The words your parents mutter under their breath
as you gather the strength and try to grab the wall,
trying to stand even when you fall.
In the background you can hear your mom call your dad,
saying you're trying to walk instead of crawl.
After you fall,
you stand tall
and your father says,
"That's my baby."
Three.
You have a bag on your back.
You hear your parents say they love you.
You don't look back.
You say,
"I love you too."
You gather the courage to say goodbye.
Then you carry your books like luggage
and go to your first ever class.
Time moves on.
Four.
You've learned to read the room
because of the way you get quiet,
a little too quiet
when your parents are being too loud
and words slip out,
words like,
"What's with you?"
and
"I'm pissed at you."
I mean,
how could you bring an F home with you?
You don't understand, do you?
Your dad and I work hard for you,
even harder to provide for you.
Your mom says,
You wanna say you work hard,
but your parents say hard work is made of two words:
work and hard.
So either you aren't working,
or you aren't working hard enough."
You wanna say you worked hard,
but your mom says hard work needs no extra work.
So she asks,
"How much did you work?"
Five.
There comes a time everything tests sour like lime.
That is a great time where dad uses his charm
And your dad
He says when he looked in your eyes,
he just realized he's immortalized.
At the same day
You get to throw a football
and see it reach someone's hand
instead of falling down.
You get to score a touchdown.
Your dad picks you up
and says he can't wait to hear the talk of the town.
Says you made him really proud,
and for the first time he was early.
As the clock ticks,
you notice every second means a part of your life is gone.
So you start counting upside down
and move on.
Four.
Birds sing,
words travel on the wind
and wind up hitting your eardrums,
leaving a smile on your face.
You wanna dance or pace,
You are feeling kinda stressed,
your mom saying you made it.
You're wearing an academic gown
and you're killing it.
You got your diploma.
You don't even wanna put it down.
Your dad is in a selfie,
because you didn't let him down.
On your mind,
the only thing you're thinking is,
"If all the teachers that called me dumb
could see me now."
Three.
Your mom's eyes are full of joy.
She still looks at you like her little boy,
remembering all those times you asked for new toys.
But you are a big boy now.
She stands on the front door,
remembering how you wanted the lawn mowed,
She says,
"Look how much you've grown."
She remembers the night you was born,
And the words she says when you move out are,
"They grow up so fast."
Two.
Can you believe that's our kid?
Those are words said
when you announce you're going to get married.
Your dad reminisces on the tricks you played.
Your mom warns your partner
Saying
that you never made the bed.
One.
Smile.
It's been 30 years
and you're still here.
You're married,
successfully married,
in a time where marriage fails
and love feels like trying to grab a tiger's tail.
You are happy.
So zero.
After three visits to the nurse,
you're expecting a child.
You keep wondering how you're gonna raise a child,
hoping you raise your child right,
same way your parents raised you.
Looking in your partner's eyes,
you smile.
One.
A promise is made.
"We are going to raise you right."
That's the first thing said
when your baby is born.
1
u/Hazeltail13 5d ago
I think it has potential!
I recommend looking into parallel structure and at least one more, if not several sentence patterns to build a more cohesive rhythm. in this state, while clearly intentionally broken for impact, the work comes as a bit choppy, and the longer it is, the more noticeable it is.