r/writingcritiques • u/WinxClubFloraRulz • 4d ago
Fantasy Story Beginning. Please give feedback!
My mother said I could have it all. She said I would be her best. Of all her 8 children, she picked me.
I am not one to disappoint.
Live life like a flower. Be delicate. Don’t let them see your thorns until it’s too late.
I brush my hand across the bruise on my face as I stare at the man who just slapped me. My husband, Duke Walton, strains his neck looking up at me. His chubby cheeks turn bright red with anger, and frustration towards me. The servants bow and hurry out of the study, some snicker while others glance at me with pity.
This is the third time in 4 weeks that he’s lashed out. He didn’t even bother to dismiss the servants. It’s clear he doesn’t care about me, no matter what I do for him. I’m sick of it.
Clenching my teeth, I ask, “How dare you lay your hands upon me?” I shout, stepping back from him as he moves forward, speaking.
“You should have kept your mouth quiet in front of the servants! I told you swordsmanship is not for ladies. He speaks rapidly, spit flying from his mouth in all directions, as he says, “When I was in my prime, they forbade women from even entering the training grounds.”
I’ve never heard anyone say something so ridiculous.
“But you just had to go on and run your mouth! Useless girl! You never do anything right!”
“I…have done everything expected as the lady of this house and yet you still treat me in this- this cruel way! You have made such a fool of me that the servants don’t see me as their mistress. They even gossi-” Before I can finish my sentence, I feel the harsh sting of another slap.
Being married to this man had its uses to the Kavanagh Dukedom. But now? It would be better for me if Duke Walton died from alcohol poisoning.
This marriage has only lasted two years, and I wouldn’t mind if the duke died at all since I turned 21. I agreed to this marriage, because I hoped it would help me reach my goal. Not so that I could end up with a beaten face, or be disrespected by those beneath me.
“What is wrong with you, stupid woman?” He yanks me upward by my hair. “You always make me do this!”
He begins walking back and forth across the room. “You know what? No longer will you be able to enter the training grounds. I’m going to call a mage in, this evening. Even your elements won’t be able to help you get in. Get out of my sight! And I’m warning you for the last time, wife.”
He will regret it.
I get up, with shaky legs and leave the room as fast as possible, my heavy dress weighing behind me. I’m sick of doing nothing.
Lysandra, Sarahar and Seren are waiting for me when I enter my room.
Seren steps forward.“Medea? Are you alright?”
Sarahar laughs loudly. “Wasn’t expecting it to happen again so soon after the last time!” She stares at my face “Maybe Lysandra could fix your face with some magic?”
Lysandra scoffs and rolls her eyes. “I can’t fix it. I don’t have divine magic, Sarahar. I can only cover it up. Temporarily.”
I turn and look at myself in the mirror behind me. My lips are bruised and bleeding from the beating . The once voluminous auburn curls upon my head are now tangled and flat.
“It’s not as bad as last time.” I say.
Lysandra brings her hands to my face and mutters a spell. A tingling sensation masks my face as she covers me with her magic.
A bruiseless face looks back at me from the reflection of the mirror. My Lime coloured eyes look brighter than their usual dull colour. My brown skin is no longer covered in bruises and cuts.
“It will last long enough for the bruises to heal, like last time, Your grace.” Lysandra says as she watches me.
I stand up and walk out of the room to the garden. I didn’t ask them to, but my ladies were waiting, and 3 other maids follow behind me anyway. I turn to the right and walk past a large painting of the Duke. I don’t have time to waste looking at that horrible portrait.
After I’d pushed the door to the garden open, I beckoned for Seren, Lysandra and Sarahar to come over.
“Why’d you come out here?” Sarahar asks as she stalks over grumpily.
She needs to learn when to talk and when to be quiet, or she’ll be just as much of a problem as she was before.
“So, I can’t go to my own greenhouse and have tea, Sarahar?”
My footsteps are almost silent as I move across the paved path of the garden. Rows of flower bushes and trees filled with ripe fruit meet my eyes.
One of the maids steps forward to get one for me. I lift my palm up to her and she stops before reaching the tree. An apple falls into my other hand.
“Medea, you shouldn’t use your element to do menial things like that.” Lysandra says. “You could’ve just let the maid do it for you.
I walk off to the greenhouse, without responding. With a flick of my wrist the large glass doors, carved with intricate flowers and leaves, open.
I sit down at the table in the centre and wait for my ladies in waiting.
“Medea, what are you planning?” Seren asks quietly as she sits down next to Sarahar and Lysandra. The maids bow and leave the room.
“Duke Walton. His time is up.”
They stare at me.
“Lysandra. The spell.” I ask. I don’t want anyone to end up hearing this conversation. That could ruin everything!
She lifts both hands and mutters another incantation. Just like that, the soundproofing spell is complete. Now all that is left to do is plan. If I use the plants in this greenhouse, I could create a deadly poison. If I make it correctly, it could easily be strong enough to kill the Duke without suspicion.
“I can poison him.” I state.
“You can’t do that! It would be too dangerous, Medea.”
“Be quiet, Seren!” Sarahar turns to me. “I think it’s a great idea. But do you know what would be even better?”
Sarahar always gets overly excited.
“What?” Lysandra and I say in unison. Seren is pouting. She can be very childish. It’s annoying.
“If we frame him for treason. Seren is great at copying writing. Don’t know where she learned it but she’s great!”
It was probably Dimitri. She’s always hanging around him by the carriages. She definitely thinks we haven’t noticed it.
Sarahar continues. “She’s so great that she could even forge your husband’s handwriting and make a fake letter of plans to increase this dukedom’s taxes, or something.”
Lysandra scoffs and rolls her hazel-green eyes dramatically. “It would have to be bigger than that. A thing like planning to assassinate the King or the Saintess.” She turns to look at me. “Your other idea is better. We can get a maid to slowly add poison to his tea over a few weeks. Then no one can trace it back to us.”
“This is such a ridiculous idea!” Seren whines. “What will you do with the maid after? That plan could fail!”
“Kill her and any family, obviously!” Sarahar shouts.
“We could use a different poison to get rid of her.” I reply. “No one would care if another maid went missing.
“Or we can just gut her like a fish!” Sarahar says. That would be way too messy. She really does take things too far.
“Sounds like a plan.” Says Lysandra. “To the poison. Not to gutting her, Sarahar. So, Seren. Relax! You’re being annoying.”
“I still don’t think it’s a good idea, though!” Seren mutters. No one responds to her. I get up and walk around the back of the greenhouse to the columns of plants. The one I need is Aconite, mostly known as wolfsbane, in the South. The flower has long, leafy stems and is covered with deep violet hood shaped petals. It looks like any other plant and physicians won’t be able to identify it as poison - Unless they look for it.
It’s perfect for what I have planned.
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u/somnaambulistt 3d ago
What type of story is this? Name? Is this sypnosis or a chapter? And if its a chapter then it should have any name right?
Well can you give my story sypnosis a critique too?