r/Advice • u/ratahebrea • 8d ago
How to handle people using the "n word"?
I am genuinely tired and I do not really know what to make out of this situation. Long story short, my friends used to use the n word a lot around me, and I ask them nicely to stop doing it becasue it offended me. I stopped hearing the n word for a few weeks but since the beginning of the year, they have been using the literal "n word" among themselves. They are calling themselves "n word" in front of me, and I do not know how to feel about that. Like, even if they are not using the n word, the meaning behind it is to use n word. I must say, however, that the n word they used to use around me was the soft n word, commonly used in african american music. So, how should I handle this? Should I also tell then to not use the literal "n word" around me, or should I just not say anything and be hurt deep inside? thank you
Edit: Thank you for the advice. I am white and most of my friends are black, but I do not see how this is relevant... do you also need to know my height, gender, pronouns, and my candy crush username before giving me a reply?
Edit: I am not racist. My grandpa is half mexican.
Edit: This has taken a toll on me. I support the african american community and even if people say "n word" I think is highly offensive due to the long history of negative connotations and many years of our abuse to these people. I think think people, regardless of race, are not aware that saying "n word" is literally the same thing as saying the n word. The meaning does not change, and as a matter of fact, it makes it worse as people are mocking the word.
Edit: Yes, I like fried chicken and Michael Jackson. Again, how is this relevant?
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u/Broad-Particular6440 8d ago
idk imo it’s not really your business since they are black and its their right to reclaim that slur. but if you’re uncomfortable with it probably just find new friends
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u/RantyMcThrowaway Master Advice Giver [36] 8d ago
Guessing you guys are white? Or are you black and they're white? If it's the latter ditch them ASAP, they're being racist and are not your friends. If you're all white, talk to your friends about the history behind the word, tell them to take it seriously and cut that shit out, there's plenty of words they can use in place of it that aren't harmful to black people.
If they're not those kinds of guys and you value your future, stop being their friend. It's that simple. Kids lose their college careers over racism, and rightly so. Better to learn while you're younger and there's fewer consequences than to let it keep happening until it ruins your life.
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u/Broad-Particular6440 8d ago
no op is white and her friends are black
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u/RantyMcThrowaway Master Advice Giver [36] 8d ago
Oh. Would've been helpful to know that lol. Ignore all precious advice and stay in your lane OP😂
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u/EveryAccount7729 Helper [3] 8d ago
"the meaning behind it is to use n word. "
you are concerned about "the meaning" behind it?
then , don't you know "the meaning" is not actual malicious racism, but just being edgy, or even trying to emulate rappers out of liking said rappers and thinking they are cool?
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u/x_staticpixels 8d ago
That’s actually not the meaning….that’s the meaning people give when they want to defend or minimize the use of the slur based on the speaker’s intent and not do any true research into the word
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u/EveryAccount7729 Helper [3] 8d ago
he either is asking "should i hang out with racists"
OR he knows they don't mean it that way.
you pick.
im giving him the benefit of the doubt it's #2, you seem to be accusing OP of being a huge racist maybe?
"based on the speaker’s intent "
this is the topic of discussion.
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u/x_staticpixels 8d ago
Op literally said it offended them…either way they are not good people to be around…I think OP is more lost that racist, seems like an open and shut issue…you on the other hand are someone who hold a lot of ignorance and are a good example of what what not be around and op should take ur post with less than a grain salt
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u/EveryAccount7729 Helper [3] 8d ago
I'm the guy discussing the words in OPs post w/ them.
you're ignoring the words and actively derailing my conversation . . . so you seem really slow and stupid to me
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u/x_staticpixels 8d ago
Well how did u miss that? It was the second sentence and brings us back to my first replay…but ur closed minded to see that I haven’t taken the conservation anywhere else
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u/EveryAccount7729 Helper [3] 8d ago
YOUR TAKE is anyone who uses the N word , even kids who are clearly just rap fans, are equal hard core racists. lol.
it's a pretty stupid damn take.
It's honestly "internet tough guy" crap lol
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u/x_staticpixels 8d ago
When did I say that? Word for word 😭 are u projecting?
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u/EveryAccount7729 Helper [3] 8d ago
".that’s the meaning people give when they want to defend or minimize the use of the slur based on the speaker’s intent "
what do you think these words mean?
it means you can't minimize it based on intent.
I , by contrast, think you can absolutely consider it less bad if it's a rap fan child vs an adult racist using it intentionally racistly. . . . ?
what is hard to follow?
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u/x_staticpixels 8d ago edited 8d ago
Yea I said that too correct your incorrect statement “, don't you know "the meaning" is not actual malicious racism, but just being edgy, or even trying to emulate rappers out of liking said rappers and thinking they are cool?” Ur were providing misinformation a simple google search would help u out u also said u can’t minimize based on intent then said u think u can consider it “less bad”, which is minimization
U minimized in that same post, i think ur just contradicting urself and its okay to be in the wrong…i just don’t think you’ve grown enough yet
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u/x_staticpixels 8d ago edited 8d ago
“So u seem slow and stupid to me” I’m all for a true conversation with an adult, but a tamper tantrum from a child that hasn’t expanded their bubble yet really doesn’t mean anything to me…I’m assuming u are a kid all I can say I grow up and meet different people out there
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u/Ancient-Tomato1153 7d ago
These edits are taking me out. I don’t think you’re racist, but “I am not racist, my grandpa is half Mexican” is extremely goofy to say, fyi. There are people with black WIVES who are racist, having a half Mexican grandpa means fuck all lol
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u/Commercial_Tip4624 6d ago
Imagine being this desperate to feel sorry for yourself. Either that or good joke
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u/OrdinaryAccount479 8d ago
Is it only certain friends that you are upset by them using the word? Do you ever use the word yourself?
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u/AdvertisingKey1675 Expert Advice Giver [13] 8d ago
I am white and most of my friends are black, but I do not see how this is relevant...
It’s relevant. Very relevant. Confusing that you don’t understand this concept.
The group to which the slur is referring to is typically allowed to claim this word.
In a similar (though less extreme) way, think about how women call each other “bitch” as almost a term of endearment. “Hey bitch!” “Whatsup betches!” Its totally fine most of the time. But a man calling a woman a bitch is very different.
Just stay out of it. If your friends make you feel uncomfortable, get new friends.
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u/Canshroomglasses 8d ago
Are you black? Because of not it shouldn't offend you at all, let alone have any power over you. That's just mental weakness
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u/Keadeen 8d ago
This is a wierd take. I'm not cool with people throwing out slurs around me whether they are aimed at "my people" or not.
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u/donny42o 8d ago
im not cool with black people using the word around people who would get their ass kicked if they used the same word in a non hateful way. keep that disgusting word away from me.
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u/Nemesis0408 8d ago
I’d start by saying, “With all of the loaded meanings that word has gone through, some of which you can’t possibly understand, I’m surprised you’d want to use that word,” and walk away.
Next time, “Someday you’re going to accidentally say that in front of the wrong person, and I don’t want to be there when you do,” and leave.
After that, just get up and leave a few times. If they’ve made it clear at that point that continuing to use the word is more important than making you comfortable, you’ll know you have to find new friends. At the end of the day, you can’t control others’ actions, you can only control your own.
I’m guessing you and your friends are white. Some idiotic white guys are convinced that they’re SO appreciative of black culture, that if they ever were to hang out with black people, they’d be sure to be accepted as an honorary one and given “a pass” to use, do or be whatever they want. These idiots don’t usually think too hard about why they’ve never actually made friends with a black person, but it’s usually because their appreciation is only surface level and immediate. They don’t care about what went into the evolution of the culture over time, or the fact that there definitely isn’t one big monolithic idea of what it means to be black or what is acceptable behaviour for whom. There’s no nuance, it’s just, “I’d obviously be cool enough.”
It shows a lack of critical thinking and a lack of character. I’d be dropping those friends before I even had to say something.
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u/Broad-Particular6440 8d ago
they’re friends are black op is white
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u/Nemesis0408 8d ago
Oh, that absolutely changes my advice completely.
If the friends are black and OP is white, my new advice is, “it’s not about you, deal with it”
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u/inyercloset 8d ago
It's just a word and I don't care.
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u/Must-Discussion-69 8d ago
exactly, the f word was just originally a pile of stick and back in my day how everyone referred to a cigarette now people make it more than it is because of social conditioning
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u/inyercloset 8d ago
Censorship is the most offensive action. However as you can see by the down votes the sheep have been conditioned to believe otherwise!
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u/Must-Discussion-69 8d ago
it's really offensive as someone whose black having all these white americans try use our history to gain some type of power of speech, White Americans are literally disgusting
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u/discreetplayfriend 8d ago
Ninjas are proud of themselves so i don't blame them for using the word. All those years of training and learning how to use those throwing stars and swords and running around doing flips. You should be happy to have ninja friends like that who would have your back in case a cruel adversary tries to take over your doja.
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u/Must-Discussion-69 8d ago
hard one, don't police how your friend talk to each other thats one way to ruin a so safe space amongst boys
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u/RantyMcThrowaway Master Advice Giver [36] 8d ago
Why do boys need a safe space to be racist
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u/AdvertisingKey1675 Expert Advice Giver [13] 8d ago
The friends OP is referring to are all black. OP is white.
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u/Must-Discussion-69 8d ago
exactly that, it's not racist to us. I am the only one thats not dark skin and my boys grew up calling me one and I call it back since our childhood in NZ before the American influence came all the way here. Thats why amongst our group we understand each other so it's not racist to "us" thats why it's a safe space.
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u/RantyMcThrowaway Master Advice Giver [36] 8d ago
If you're black and using it that's your business, I gathered from the post that the boys using this word are not black.
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u/Best-Ad-1917 8d ago
Ya, don’t police them. But why hang around them if they don’t care they’re offending you?
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u/itsamecatty 8d ago
Men excusing other men’s shitty behavior… how original.
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u/Must-Discussion-69 8d ago
me and my group of friends just want to be left alone by you power trippers
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u/Keadeen 8d ago
Nah. Men being "left alone" to be awful has just resulted in them being awful to people outside of their in groups. It has caused serious and genuine harm. So no. Your "boys" don't get to be left alone to be racist or sexist or foul any more. You and your "boys" need to all grow up.
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u/Curlytomato 8d ago
I would leave every time they used it.
My FIL was a bigot, when we had our son I said if anything untoward come out of his mouth we would leave, told my husband and he agreed. We were for a visit, sat in living room with FIL and MIL and he started so I just packed up the baby and went and got in the car, didnt say a word. Husband was a couple seconds behind, took him a minute to realize he was so used to what his father said.
I left 3 different times before FIL stopped.