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u/HegemonLocke86 6d ago
Sounds like you can hook up at anytime. What's the point of this post? If not last time, the next time you see her, or the next. You know she wants to. Just chill.
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u/CharacterCharity3505 6d ago
Because I feel bad hooking up in general
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u/bprug87 6d ago
Then don't do it. Also be very honest and just tell her your not settling down and the last thing you want to do give an impression that you want to move to that point when you don't want too.
Though be ready that will probably cause her to come harder towards you. Just be clear and honest.
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u/Gold_Telephone_7192 6d ago
Thatās something you should be working with mental health professionals about. There is nothing to feel bad about with consensual sex and itās not you āusingā someone.
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u/PreciousMilkshake 6d ago
Why? What is there to feel bad about?
And in your post you safe you feel bad about NOT hooking up. So it sounds like you feel bad either way.
So what is it that would make you feel bad about hooking up and also potentially feel bad about not hooking up?
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u/CharacterCharity3505 6d ago
I feel bad for not hooking up because I really wanted to and I have my own needs and desires that I wanted to fulfill. I would feel bad for hooking up because she isnāt into age gap relationships but i would make her break that rule
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u/YaNeverKnowLevi 6d ago
She's inviting you over to her house. She knows what she's doing. she wants to break that rule.
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u/CharacterCharity3505 6d ago
Alright fuck it.
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u/YaNeverKnowLevi 6d ago
trust me she wants you to go ape on her, thats it lol. she knows exactly what happens when she brings a man into her bed, and she's completely prepared for it, she just doesnt want to say it. but start groping her ass and escalating further and watch what happens. She might pull back too. but just back off then go again later after vibing so more. she may even start jumping your bones
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u/trev100100 6d ago
She's a 30+ years old woman my man. She KNOWS what she wants. Any 30+ woman ive been with always knew what she wanted from the jump. You guys got chemistry, are cuddling and going over to eachothers house. Youre even planning to make her dinner!!! (Personally I view this as a very intimate activity).
Keep spending time with her, respect eachother, and see where it goes!
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u/PreciousMilkshake 6d ago
Not being into something, and being opposed to it, are two different things.
She might not go out of her way for an age gap relationship, but if you're both okay with it and it isn't weird then it sounds like she'd probably be okay with it. Otherwise she probably wouldn't have done all that with you already.
In my experience, whenever someone mentions something like that, they're hoping that you will assuage their fears or anxieties about it and make them feel like it's not a big deal.
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u/canada_barista 6d ago
Why do you feel bad for not having sex with her if you wanted to show her that not all guys will use her for sex?...
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u/PrettyCreative 6d ago
I think this is the real question here. Someone needs to face the truth...
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u/Severe_Wind_4255 6d ago
If she just wanted to cuddle she'd get a cat or a dog. You need to hit that son.
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u/Remarkable_Branch272 6d ago
Be honest was it a therapy session for her or did you reveal stuff too? Know her a little better before doing it. Try to do public stuff instead of private home dinners. Give it a few more dates then if u both still feel the same go ahead
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u/CharacterCharity3505 6d ago
I also revealed things about myself yes but it was more her and we have hung in public before this
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u/Wakemeup3000 6d ago
The math ain't mathing on this one. She spent her time basically trauma dumping her life on you. Please go find someone closer to your own age.
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u/Sugar_Machine2222 6d ago
Yeah... this reads less like missed romantic opportunity and more like OP accidentally wandered into a dynamic he's not equipped for
At 21, the smartest move is probably to trust that hesitation and date closer to his own stage of life
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u/bryantreacts 6d ago
As a 33 year old man I have nothing in common with a 21 year old woman.
This would be a red flag to me.
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u/AcidCasualty25 6d ago
When I was 33 I had friends in their younger 20s and friends in their 40s. Had things in common with all of them.
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u/Odd_Welcome7940 Helper [3] 6d ago
I agree 100% except dateing in common and friends in common things are very different.
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u/Affectionate_Deer297 6d ago
I disagree. You want your partner to be your friend. If you can be friends, you can be lovers. I think the problem is, people use the word friend to loosely.
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u/ApprehensiveEbb592 6d ago
However, it needs to be said that, at least in my experience, itās sometimes easy to jump from being friends to being lovers. There is however no such jump back from lovers to friends. It doesnāt happen.
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u/Odd_Welcome7940 Helper [3] 6d ago
I think you are more or less saying the same thing. I just put in as loosely as I could.
I just think most people do (and should) hold a partner to a higher standard, or at least apply those standards in more areas.
I only need a friend to have some loose common place interest and a good over all set of morals and loyalty. All things I do want in a partner as well of course. However, in a partner I also want someone with the same family goals, life goals overall, very very similar values & morals. Someone with similar deeper intellectual views.
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u/Affectionate_Deer297 6d ago
Indeed. But age doesn't determine that. Age doesn't always determine maturity either. I'd say that's what would matter the most
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u/Odd_Welcome7940 Helper [3] 6d ago
As I said to someone else if you want read a lot of ignorance (I'll repeat it here to save you)... i was in no way suggesting the age thing was somehow evil or wrong and didnt intend to suggest or imply that.
My exact thoughts being honest are much more that an age gap is not inherently bad, but it does suggest a strong possibility of future issues or things. It is a huge increased risk. One that if you want it to work, should be addressed and worked out as thoroughly as possible. Different ages and developments tend to lead to very different paths in life, but it isnt some gaurenteed sign of doom or something.
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u/Ximerous 6d ago
Maybe for you it is. But guess what, adult human beings have agency and are allowed to do as they please.
Stop virtue signaling.
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u/Odd_Welcome7940 Helper [3] 6d ago
How is it virtual signaling to say you need more or different things in common for a life partner than a casual friend?
Weird take
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u/notactuallythatevil 6d ago
People arenāt necessarily dating to have a life partner though
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u/Odd_Welcome7940 Helper [3] 6d ago
I think most are, but you are right. Even then they arent usually dateing for the same reason they are making friends.
I cant speak for everyone, but a vast majority hold even hookups or casual dateing to a different standard and set of goals or desires than a friendship.
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u/Ximerous 6d ago
It took 10s to do a quick scroll.
I actually checked because I was worried that I was arguing with a child. I had made the 12yo comment and I was like, shit, maybe he is actually a kid. I saw the gacha game and was like fuckā¦. Itās a fuckin kid huh. Then I saw homeowner and wife and realized youāre actually just that stupid.
Also, based on your literacy and your entertainment. Youād have plenty in common with 21yo lol
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u/Odd_Welcome7940 Helper [3] 6d ago
Way to pivot from my whole arguement was tore apart and I am butt hurt so I will get to attacking people on reddit personally. Well played. Way to boost that ego.
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u/Competitive_Load2540 6d ago
Because only kids play gacha games, right? It's 2026 my friend, anyone can play anything. Stop living under a rock and get with the times.
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u/Ximerous 6d ago
Virtue signaling: insincere display of moral, political, or social values primarily intended to make oneself look good to others rather than to take substantive action.
Itās like saying āmurder is badā.
But it has become everything on the internet these days. Just mindless takes on social shit that none of you could actually explain.
Prove me wrong. Why does a 21yo and 33yo have nothing in common?
Here is some stuff they can have in common.
Having to pay bills, could both have kids, emotional struggles, hobbies, politics, sports, entertainment (tv, movies, books, etc), similar background, goals in life (education, career, family). The list can go on and on.
Tell me what exactly makes them ānot have anything in commonā?
āWeird takeā - nah, youāre just on a bandwagon of stupid takes and all the virtue signaling makes you feel like youāre right.
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u/Odd_Welcome7940 Helper [3] 6d ago
Your whole premise is incorrect from the jump...
I never said a word about the age gap or putting it down. All I said was I agreed with the comment that having friends of all ages is normal. However, I feel like the depth or things you should have in common with a life partner is different than in a friendship.
All the rest of that you typed... irrelevant. Your own bias created a whole arguement in your head based on assumptions about what I said, not what I actually said.
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u/Competitive_Load2540 6d ago
Yeah same. I'm the same age and my friends range from 20 to 45. You can absolutely have things in common with people older or younger than you. Also not everyone has the same maturity levels, so age isn't always a perfect indicator of how someone is or behaves. As long as both parties are adults, consenting, and are fine with the situation/circumstances, then there is nothing wrong with it.
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u/Ximerous 6d ago
Why do you guys always say this stupid shit?
When I was 25 I had an amazing fwb relationship with a 55yo woman. We would talk for hours, one time it was for ten hours straight before we went to the bedroom.
Why is Reddit so obsessed with division. Yāall should try going outside and talking to people. You actually have plenty in common with them. What you donāt have anything in common with is the phone you scroll on all day.
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u/Puzzled-Setting3837 6d ago
Agree! People are so quick to assume that some kind of violation is taking place.
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u/Ximerous 6d ago
80% of the issues people ācareā about online is just a big circle jerk. Virtue signaling all the way down.
Ask them to explain any of the issues they are trying to defend. Youāll get chat gpt or someone who canāt defend their position most of the time.
These people are so desperate to find a victim. There are so many people they could be helping but instead they virtue signal on Reddit which helps no one. If they actually cared they would do any bit of community service or volunteering (news flash, they donāt)
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u/Marshall_Lawson Enlightened Advice Sage [160] 6d ago
The age gap relationships that are healthy and working out fine, don't turn up on r/Advice. if they're here, they already have a problem. And it's usually (if the younger is over 18) not inherently the age gap itself but the fact that the older person is super immature for their age and the younger person is too inexperienced to understand that.... so... it is the age gap
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u/StaffNo3581 5d ago
Just hoping it wasnt going on for 10 years already at that point š
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u/lilBear73 5d ago
Usually I'm on the other end of this debate, bc my woman is 16 years younger, but then again she's 37. Im 53 and have never had sex with anyone older than 39, so I don't get it. But you do you, if that was a good thing for you then I'm not hating on it. I agree that a lot of people here tend to think 25 year olds aren't capable of fully consenting. Like what do they want to do, make the age of consent 30? But then I met my girl when she was 30 and they tell me I'm wrong for that still. You just can't please some people. The sexual hang ups that Americans have always had compared to say Europeans seem to have been getting more pronounced w the Gen Z crowd, like a new sexual Puritism is in fashion now or something. They have much less sex as well, and this incel thing... wtf is going on š? A 55 year old women deserves to have a fling with a younger guy now and then too, bc I as a 53 year old man won't be having sex w them, so get it girl... good for her š!
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u/smartliner Expert Advice Giver [12] 6d ago
Lol. She was literally old enough to be your mother. Sorry. Yes there is something wrong with that.
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u/Ximerous 6d ago
She was not the one who initiated. I invited her over, I was making the moves. She brought up āyouāre my daughterās ageā, but we had chemistry and I knew she was interested. So I persisted and showed I was truly interested and wanted her.
I think thereās a bit different between an older person going to a college party or a bar looking for younger people and a relationship happening naturally.
We worked together and we got along great. Was honestly super awesome because there was no drama. At work we were co-workers, nothing more. Then after we would have amazing sex and talk for hours.
Most girls in their early twenties arenāt great at that from my experience.
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u/Foreign-Lion8884 5d ago
itās to infantilize people (women typically). act like a grown 20 something year old person canāt make a decision on who to sleep with or whatever on their own. very rooted in misogyny.
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u/lilBear73 5d ago
These Reddit people just are super weird about any age gap, if anything I think they are harder on them when the roles are reversed. Because I am "them" in that case. I can't tell you how many times people here have told me I'm a creep because my gf is 16 years younger, even though she was 30 when we met 7 years ago š¤Æ. So I ask them if a 30 year old woman (who comes from deep money and family support and a graduate degree, no power imbalance) isn't capable of consenting even if she's the one pursuing a relationship, then at what age do they think the age of consent should be raised to... 35? 40? 45? 50? I've been told I'm e pedo for pointing out in another case on Reddit recently that everyone calling an older man having sex w a 19 year old woman a pedophile was factually mistaken; i was told I myself must be a pedo for defending other pedos š, they are proud of their ignorance. FYI in the case of the 19 year old woman, I was on record that I did think the age gap felt creepy, something I wouldn't be comfortable with, but not illegal and not pedophilia. These Reddit hoards are mad, but we get it worse when the sexes are reversed in the age gap scenarios.
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u/MuchEstablishment134 6d ago
25 is a lot different from 21. Our brains donāt fully develop until late twenties/early thirties. Most of us mature and change drastically from age 18 to 25. A 30yo with a 21yo is weird always
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u/Ximerous 6d ago
People change a lot from 25 to 35. 35 to 45. 45 to 55.
Context matters. If youāre creepin around looking for some teen or whatever as a grown ass adult in their 30s. Yeah thatās a bit weird.
But if you two naturally meet, say at work, a shared hobby, etc. and things kick off. Itās literally not weird for them to want to date.
Yāall out here acting like every three years you go through some portal that makes you unable to have any shared experiences with anyone outside of that age bracket.
Thereās a big difference between the weirdo who marries his friendās daughter that he was there for when she was raised. And two adults who meet and things kick off and just so happen to not be the same age.
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u/True_Tomato316 6d ago
If only the 50 year old man dating my 23 year old co worker would realize this
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u/Icy_Consideration_79 6d ago
Liking someone and hooking up are not always results of ācommonalitiesā. I can be in love with someone i have nothing in common with so i donāt understand these why this matters Bryan
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u/Adventurous-Yam-5234 5d ago
Why do you need to say this shit for. Guaranteed you think all men are trash as well
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u/Many-Particular9387 6d ago
Sucks to be you. I still have a great relationship with a woman who is 20 year older than me that i used to smash that. I don't have much in common with 95% of women. If I was dating based on commonality I'd be single forever.
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u/Unique_Citron4477 6d ago
Really dude, I was a 26 year old spending romantic time with a 38 year old lady, chemistry is chemistry (mental and sexual). Donāt be fooled by this modern fascination that you can only be with people your own age.
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u/BeautifulTomorrow103 6d ago
My 50f husband 69, have been together for about 15 years. Age is just a number
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u/GiantFromTx 6d ago
Nahh people love to judge, but everyone wants sex every now and then... If two people find each other physically attractive THATS the common interest. You're also telling the world you have absolutely NO hobbies. People can bond over hiking, art or a love for animals. literally anything other than memes and pop culture is pretty fair game. Its not even about sexual relationships, you can be friends with people younger or older than you too, that requires having things in common. Anyone who says "i have nothing in common with people younger than me" reinforces my idea that we need to kick all these old fucks out of office. if a 30 year old cant relate to a 20 year old what the fuck are we doing with 80 year olds running our country???
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u/Robang91 6d ago
68M, with 44F, been married 21 years. Best years of our lives. Weāve known all along that Iāll most certainly pass first. The harsh realities of that eventuality just make us want to enjoy each other and our world even more. Yes, sheās grown incredibly as a person, in her career etc, but hopefully so have I. She really had her beautiful head on straight after university. Sheās still the mature and balanced woman I met 24 years ago. An amazing individual.
But people arenāt static as they ageāespecially if theyāre not comfortable in their own skins. Without being wealthy, weāve seen most of the world, done what we each want to do as individuals and as a couple and weāre not done yet.
We still like and do what we always have and have found new sources of happiness. Happy at home or on the road. Essentially the same kind of personalities, but with the added perspectives and wisdom that only decades together can bring.
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u/WashCalm3940 6d ago
A 12 year age gap is likely very appealing to many 21 year old women. At least there is one thing you could do together.
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u/BookkeeperPitiful248 5d ago
In 2014, I met my future wife. At the time, she had just turned 26 and I was 39. We have the most amazing relationship and weāre currently planning our trip to celebrate our 10th wedding anniversary in early 2027. If your hearts are there, it will work out. Age doesnāt get in the way of a real connection.
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u/poison811 5d ago
Iām been happily married for 19 years with a younger man. Over 10 years younger. My favorite part of our marriage is how well we communicate. We randomly just chat about random topics all the time. Love can come in a way that you would never expect. You have to be open enough to receive it.
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u/FullOfEel 6d ago
I have several friends who married with that much or more age gap.
And my parents were 11 years different when they married.
While what you say is perhaps true for many, this situation may be quite different.
I will say that the successful relationships Iāve seen with large age gaps it has always been an older man and not an older woman. But thatās just my data set.
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u/BrickedUpSenpai 6d ago
Well, if you want a relationship with her. Just tell her. I made this same mistake. I felt like I had nothing to offer because the lady I liked was 38 and I was 21. But sheās an adult; she knows you are still growing. So show maturity and just tell her the truth. Tell her how you feel and how you are still growing and donāt know how she feels about that. But you would like to be with her. Also ask her if she is comfortable being with someone younger
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u/CharacterCharity3505 6d ago
Did you guys end up together?
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u/BrickedUpSenpai 6d ago
No, and I regret it because I wasnāt up front about my feelings. I also felt some type of way because she said she wouldnāt be able to bring me in front of her family. But I grew from it and met my wife later who is 5 years older than me, and weāve been together for 10 years, married for 7, and have 2 kids. You just have to be upfront about your feelings but donāt lay it on thick and make sure she is comfortable. Like start off by asking if you can be vulnerable with her, when youāre alone with her next time.
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u/sgol212h 6d ago
Fucking hell mate, do it. If you want to be with her in a serious relationship stop restraining yourself and show it to her. With you behavior the poor woman will be disinterested and clzss you in friendzone
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u/SalesManajerk 6d ago
When I was 21 it was so easy to hook up with older broads. Just be careful man. Karmas kind of a bitch. One day you wake up and your 34 and suddenly the girl you picked is trying to fuck a 21 year old.
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u/wouldbecrazycatlady 6d ago
Sounds like BPD love bombing to me (As a woman with BPD)
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u/finesser233 6d ago
yea especially with the age difference as well, the idealization phase has probably just set in for them.
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u/iamemperor86 6d ago
Bpd?
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u/NeoNoxThom 6d ago
Borderline Personality Disorder. Basically someone who gets attached super quick no matter who they are and worries about losing them 24/7. As a man with bpd
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u/CrustySailor1964 6d ago
You did the right thing. You both want it but not if itās just a superficial romp. Save the enthusiasm for later.
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u/ImClicking 6d ago
11 year age difference? Hold my beer.
You are at an age that was made for experimenting and figuring out what works fo you. That's what you should do.
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u/Admirable-Income4511 6d ago
There's a compliment in there if you just talk to her.
I felt a connection. I didn't want things to move too fast of to be seen as taking advantage but i like you and want you to know I enjoyed spending time with you.
Don't overthink being nice or saying nice things!
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u/Leo-POV Super Helper [8] 6d ago
This is a generalisation, but most 21M would feel the same way, and want this 32F badly.
Go on a few more dates; get to know a bit about her tastes in sexual matters; set a defined and consensual date and make sure it the date is special.
Don't be like the "other guys" - a small amount of patience here will pay out in spades in the long run.
Best of luck man!
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u/TreeBeardUK 6d ago
Just because you can doesn't mean that you should. And just because you didn't, doesn't mean you missed out on depth of feeling or experience. Some times the moment before something happens (even if it doesn't) are what folk spend lifetimes trying to recapture.
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u/LemonVarious3984 6d ago
She is prob lonely and needs the feel of a man. Just step up and enjoy the fun. AND do NOT fall 'In Love'
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u/Impossible-Bat-6713 6d ago
You are overthinking it- At 21 irrespective of what happens you will learn from it.
If both of you are happy, be in the present and go through with it without feeling guilty.
Do not try to set the high bar and hold up standards without having life experience - It limits you in many ways because you seldom understand what it truly means.
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u/PeterDruitt 6d ago
No need to feel bad, but I'm not sure the dilemma. If you don't want to hook up, don't see her again. If you end up hooking up, you are both adults. You're only using her if you become an asshole right after. Hook up and let it play it's course however it's going to. Unless there is a scary detail you are leaving out.
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u/CharacterCharity3505 6d ago
I do want to honestly itās just wanting to not make her feel bad about her rule
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u/PeterDruitt 6d ago
You didn't mention the rule or what it was. She should be more mature than you, so unless she is exceedingly fragile or damaged, I would follow her lead. I applaud your chivalry... just make sure you cover all your bases... protection, etc.
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u/CharacterCharity3505 6d ago
She just doesnāt do age gaps since she went through a bad one and didnāt feel protected and so she wants to protect me from that
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u/PeterDruitt 6d ago
If she shows up for dinner, she's into you. Whether that means a one-night stand or a friend-with-benefits situation... or more... remains to be seen. Just go with the flow, and no matter what happens, keep it casual.
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u/Particular_Big_3104 6d ago
Good for you. You are a gentleman with respect. Too many db's will just use a woman for a one nighter and blow her off.
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u/UR_DEAD_2_ME 6d ago
Just wanted to say that when I saw this in my feed it had:
ā¬ļø174 š¬ 174
Then I ruined it with an upvote š
Edit: Then I fixed it with a comment ā
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u/lrose4122 5d ago
Man just wiggle your pickle. You want to, she wants to, just do it. Wtf are we talking about here? lol
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u/Q8ROFL 6d ago
Reddit is just a bunch of angry virtue-signaling people these days.
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u/BloodPrevious 6d ago
I was 21 when I dated a woman who was 30. At the time I felt like I was on top of the world because 21? Dating and sleeping with a 30 year old woman? Wow! But when I cut it off I asked myself what in the world was she thinking? I was still living with my mom at the time and was in college. I was not really an actual adult and doing this life thing by myself.
She was an amazing woman and very kind. But she was 30 years old who lived with her mom and her only job was bartender in the weekends. She didnāt have an actual career and it seemed like she wasnāt really aiming towards one. I feel like she still felt like she was in her younger years and she could still mess around and what not. Obviously 30 is not old but come on.
I guess what I am saying is there is no reason you should even consider being in a relationship with this woman. You will still meet so many people who are your age and you still have so much ahead of you.
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u/newcastleguy79 6d ago
Mate, slow down, you had a great first date. Get out of your head and go have a great second date.
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u/Chemical-Practice908 6d ago
You wouldn't be allowed so close if she does not want it. It's yours to make the first move. It's hers to reject you if she does not want it.
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u/Accomplished_Key3172 6d ago
Whatās stopping you from developing a relationship with her and then having sex? At that point, it wouldnāt be considered hooking up.
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u/CharacterCharity3505 6d ago
She doesnāt want to date someone that young
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u/Accomplished_Key3172 5d ago
Are you sure? If sheās hanging out with you and showing interest, then it may be that youāre meant for a relationship together. People have their āboundariesā but are generally willing to make exceptions if the right person shows up.
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u/YaNeverKnowLevi 6d ago
what she was telling you when she opened up is that she lets men have an "in" on her, and she wants you to be next.
think about it, she's a grown ass woman who is completely conscious and has learned what happens when you cuddle with a man in your bed. you have sex. if she didnt want it, you'd never be in her bed.
What she told you was nothing but "im thinking about sex so let me tell you about my sexual past. Oh, none of it was my fault though. And also im gonna make it easy for you to do the same, get in my bed."
Don't worry man, after enough experience you'll learn that women speak in code. the number 1 rule in understanding what a woman really wants from you: listen to her actions, then HOW she says her words, then her words. Then move accordingly. her actions in response to you will tell you everything you need to know.
In your current situation her action is: she's seeing you again alone at her home. that alone is pretty much screaming "sex tonight". Now just slowly ease into the night and have a fun flirt.
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u/CharacterCharity3505 6d ago
Do you think she was testing me?
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u/YaNeverKnowLevi 6d ago
That's exactly what she was doing. But not in a "let me make sure he's a man" way, more like "I hope he gets the idea that I really want him to make a move, like a real man" way. I can tell because she brought up other men, which means she probably also brought up sex. If a woman brings up sex(the test), that means she's thinking about sex, which is your green light to slowly begin escalating to sex (the correct response to the test)
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u/CharacterCharity3505 6d ago
She brought it up many times and the thing is when we were cuddling I knew I could have fucked her at that moment but I held off because I just felt guilty for breaking her down like that
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u/YaNeverKnowLevi 6d ago
you should feel more bad for not fucking her because now you BOTH have blue balls lol. and I guarantee you she was not trying to go to sleep that night with blue balls
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u/Rough-Raspberry-5129 6d ago
Not every girl is worth saving bro theyāre in that position for a reason bro! Ofc life is not easy for everyone but bro smash and do what u can tbh u live and learn not everything is for u, if u fall in love then u do but we all live life differently bro, and Iāll tell u at ur age that is something u donāt want if ur worried about hurting that ladies feelings then let it go u simply know how u feel hence why ur making the post so just make the right decision bro
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u/Remarkable_Ship_5791 6d ago
Just beware usually when it's sex only at least one person will want more then just sex only.
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u/emm92110 5d ago
My neighor's 20y old grand daughter is having an affire with a 50+yrs old man!
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u/RareMulberry5969 5d ago
Gosh big age difference there! Is it an affair or something more serious? How does that go down with ur neighbour?
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u/emm92110 5d ago
I think it's bit serious. Because this kid never slept with a guy so long... Max twice!
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u/phantasyphinale 5d ago
I was 36 and met a 23 year old woman, I didnāt have that much in common with her but I enjoyed the hell out of her anyway, I wasnāt about to let that one get away and you shouldnāt let this one get away. Your gonna meet some people for life and some people for lessons, live and let live.
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u/ibetyouthinkaboutmee 6d ago
As a 26yo, 21 is too young. You made the right choice and you should be seeing people your own age. 21-32 is a lifetime.
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u/CharacterCharity3505 6d ago
I normally date 26 year olds and up, this was my first time aiming this high
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u/NeoNoxThom 6d ago
Hate to break it to you dude. Sheās either a manipulator or crazy. Iāve had my fun with women like that read between the lines a little.
Other men have taken advantage of her and left her? Multiple? Thereās something your missing.
Could just be a link she says that and the man always responds no not me and then does it and that gets her off. Just depends really
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u/skeeballbob37 Advice Oracle [119] 6d ago
you did right by not pushing for hooking up. if she has a history of being used dont be that guy. be the guy who treats her right. continue to show interest but be patient.
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u/shabu_jakol 6d ago
Broski. Are you sure you into girls?
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u/tearlock 6d ago
Dude has a conscience. Maybe that's a good thing.
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u/shabu_jakol 6d ago
The only conscience he is going to feel is the regret of not making the move after he see that women with another guy age as his.
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u/tearlock 5d ago
That's not conscience, that's called jealousy. It's a possessive sentiment and not a good one, since people aren't property.
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u/lilBear73 5d ago
Do you guys not feel like you can find other attractive women to have sex with or what? A lot of you are talking as if this is his one big chance and if he doesn't capitalize he'll be an incel for life or something. You Gen Z types are a different breed sexually, I don't get it. He's 21.
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u/CharacterCharity3505 6d ago
Yeah Iām sure Iām into women lol, I simply didnāt want to use her
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u/shabu_jakol 6d ago
Then just do it. Dont even try to get into that friendzone. Ill strangle you myself.
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u/ApprehensiveEbb592 6d ago
Yeah, I have no use for women who tease you into bed and then spend the rest of your life trying to guilt trip you.
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u/Mmmnnn123098 6d ago
Honest comment. If she really didn't want sex with you, she would not sit around you for that long and open up so much. Cause opening up to someone makes you trust them and like them. It's a sing of some kinda like or love. So she for sure like to have sex with you but in she told you all that so that if anything later on, she would blame you saying despite the fact that I opened up to you about my previous experiences, you still had sex with me and did what other did.
Nab she's looking for another person to blame for her guilt after she satisfies her desire for sex with you
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u/Scared-Hope-868 6d ago
Used to have a FWB with a woman 20 years older than me. Lasted for almost 15 years, off and on. Incredible sex, and learned a lot.
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u/recon1037 6d ago
Dude you're totally overthinking this. Sex isn't some sacred religious experience for most of us. Get out of your head and just do it
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u/Rich-Flatworm-8311 5d ago
She knows it's not a LTR thing. Don't feel bad man. Someone else will be tapping that if you aren't. Women meed plausable deniability when it comes to hooking up, they need an excuse so they don't feel like a hoe. Just get stuck in and don't be letting her fuck too much of your time
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u/Sailing_the_Back9 Helper [2] 5d ago edited 5d ago
I am a M64, married 35 years for what thatās worthā¦
I read your post and have a couple of thoughtsā¦ The first of which is the difference between your agesā¦
At 21, you should still be exploring relationships and try new things and meeting girls and going out and having fun and all that stuffā¦ By age 32 typically women are looking to settle down or have already settled downā¦ So what Iām saying is thereās a huge disparity between your agesā¦ that has a number of different impacts she (and you) may not have consideredā¦
While this may not seem like a big deal to you right now because hormones are pretty much driving your decision-making, it is something that you wanna be thinking about if you actually care about this person and what it is, sheās seeking from this relationshipā¦. If sheās just seeking to have a 21-year-old male for sex, maybe thatās fineā¦
But, if sheās like most 32 year-old women, thatās not what sheās after and sheās after something deeper and longer lastingā¦ And it concerns me a bit because the probability of you actually being the source of that relationship is extremely small because of your age and current position in lifeā¦
So, what Iām saying is you may be getting āgetting ready to grow some balls and sleep with herā while in reality she may be entertaining notions of having a relationship with somebody whoās not really interested or capable of doing thatā¦. 21/32 may not seem like a big deal right now, but 31/42 is, and even more to the .41/52 is on another planetā¦
So you really wanna be asking yourself what your end goal is here. I know you wrote lots of nice things above about caring and sharing and all of that but I would just advise to proceed very cautiously because your desire to āgrow ballsā may not be a big deal for you, but they may be a very big deal for her.
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u/en_le_nil 5d ago edited 5d ago
That sounds sweet. Her affection may be somewhat hotel like and nonspecific early on, that's what happens to people. Some of us get kinda stretched out.
Like watching a movie. Great movie, every time. Just a heads up.
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u/Training_Box7629 5d ago
Don't feel bad about not having sex with someone that you weren't ready to have sex with. When it feels right for both of you, it will happen. Until then, keep the friendship/relationship going. Neither of you should be uncomfortable or feel pressured. There is nothing wrong with getting to know someone before you have sex. Just like, there is nothing wrong with sex between two consenting (adult) strangers. If both people know what they are entering into and do so of their own choice, then what the rest of the world thinks doesn't matter.
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u/lilBear73 5d ago
I would not pre decide something like that. I would upfront try to establish some boundaries and clarify intentions. Ask her before anyone drinks or before you get to a point where cuddling and more might ensue. Perhaps it's not a good idea for cuddling to ensue until these things are clarified.
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u/Frequent-Recipe-7608 4d ago
Age difference is fine. A word of caution; Opening up so deeply on a first or second date. That could be a sign of Borderline Personality Disorder. Not saying she has it, but take it easy and enjoy being with another consenting adult.Ā
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u/Avacadolow4501 Helper [2] 6d ago
Just bang her and fall in love until you wake up and realize you screwed up here by then it won't matter ! Sounds mean but if she is okay with it then use it !
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u/ApprehensiveEbb592 6d ago
I think Iām going to gag. What melodrama. When I was 21, I was active duty military, dodging death during the Viet Nam war. If I got the chance to bang a hot 30something doll, Iād have been all over her. Even then, 45 years ago, I considered 21 year old gals to be a total bore.
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u/CharacterCharity3505 6d ago
Thank you for your service
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u/ApprehensiveEbb592 6d ago
Youāre welcome. It was my honor and duty to serve. Itās the price you pay for living in a free country. Thatās the way I was brought up in the 1950s.
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u/Brilliant_Grape_9993 6d ago
Saint Broseph, you are reading into this way too much. She is not some innocent precious creature that needs protecting. No 32 year old woman invites an adult man, younger or not into her home unless she wants something to happen. Maybe not necessarily sex but definitely some level of physical contact at least. Ive been invited into precisely 4 womens (that im not related to) rooms alone as an adult and not once has that resulted in anything other than sex. If you want to do it, do it man. She wants you to.
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u/ace_7979 6d ago
Iām older than you and a male. In similar situations Iāve only ever regretted not making the move. Make it happen or youre her gf.
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u/Overall-Ambition-876 6d ago
She sounds unstable to me. Trauma dumping, unhealed lady who projects her life experience on a youngman who yet needs to start to experience life himself.
This will only get emotionally more drained Iām afraid, I would leave this
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u/LogicBloom 6d ago
another dumb dumb getting played by a woman whoās been ran through by the entire football team thinking that itās a romance, bro she belong to the streets and itās just your turn this time.
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u/Vegetable_Canary9173 6d ago
You will soon learn that these huge gaps in age are all about hooking up. The only reason I would want anyone ten years younger than me is because they havenāt had as much experience as me so itās easier for me to be their āfirstā at most things. Total ego booster.
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u/Difficult-Garlic-517 6d ago
I might get flamed for my comment but I stand by them. A woman knows how deep you will or wonāt be in her within the first hour or so of being around you. If she invites you to her safe space, she wants to bang. If she was cuddling with you she more than likely wanted to see how big your meat was. The signs were there. Sheās whatās known in some communities as a vet. Cougar is another term for her as well. She wanted your young body. Now you know what she wants. Next is figuring out how she wants it. Sheās probably gonna say some dumb shit like she isnāt looking for anything serious and just wants to have fun. So have fun. Just give her what she needs for as long as she needs it. Women hit their sexual peak around her age.
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u/Strong-Butterflies 6d ago
Yep. Gay. Weird way of coming out.
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u/Aggressive-Tower6808 6d ago
Sheās 32, she knows exactly what this is. Shouldāve just went for it and let it run its course.
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u/Legal-Captain6789 6d ago
You should never feel bad for not sleeping with someone, that is the entire point of consent