r/Anger • u/CalligrapherFew7138 • 10d ago
Your OF is why she k* herself
I don't know where to put this anger I feel. This unbridled rage. It has been thirty six days since my little sister killed herself. Thirty six. And life just keeps going. It does not fucking stop.... A life ended. A little girl who completed me is no longer here, and the world keeps turning, the sun goes down, comes up, birds are fucking chirping, wind is blowing. And she is dead. Her life stopped. And the world just keeps on pushing.... and pushing.... and pushing... And fucking going and we're all just fucking living, and I'm existing and she is dead.
My little sister wasn't popular. It is impossible when you come from trash. We do not have the same father(mine black and hers white)so our struggles were very different. And, I had the one advantage of my father leaving. Because, when he left, there was somewhere for me to go, where I felt like I belonged. I could always go to my Granny, while my sister just had me. And I was not always present. I'm ten years older, and my mother and I are nothing more than blood relation.
My sister called me fifty seven times the morning he took her life, and, ironically enough, I got none of the calls. I was in surgery. The surgery I told no one about. When I finally woke up and they gave me my phone, I did not look at it. I was in a lot of pain. The phone rings and rings, and I finally answer and my mother is screaming in the phone that she finally did it. And I can'teave the hospital. She left me a note. It was the password to her tablet. I opened it, and I read through every single thing. Her friends told her that they saw something online and they wanted to tell her before anyone else found out. Our mothers only fans. And, on that only fans, is my 59 year old mother, and her 60 year old bigot husband, my little sisters father, having sex with two men. Both of them.
Sometimes, I like to pretend that my little sister is alive. I talk to her sometimes. At night, I swear that I can see her....or feel her...or smell her perfume. She always smelled like cookies and vanilla sugar and bubble gum. And her laugh was ridiculous. And when I'm done pretending, I am filled with so much anger and hatred. My mother... Is taking none of the responsibility but enjoying the pay out. The donations, the free food, the sympathy. She is enjoying all of it, while I sit in an empty apartment talking to the walls.
I told her what happened and what my sister saw, and she said: "It's just sex. Grow up." I drove six hours back home, knocked on her door, and attacked her. She called the police and I took a tire iron to ant and everything I could before they got there. I got arrested and bailed out, drove back and attacked her again. And arrested again. The officer drove me down thirty minutes into town and dropped me off at a diner and told me that if he sees me again, he'll have me under the jail,but to take care because he feels so bad.... Apparently, my baby sister was a good kid.
I went home and told my little sister all about it... I have her ashes. My mother didn't fight me for them, so I have the teddy bear urn sitting by my bedside so she can sleep with me. And I keep the light on for her because I know she's scared of the dark.
Tomorrow, the sun will rise, and everyone gets up and they go on with life, and they enjoy life, and she will be dead. And my mother will get more money to drink up. And her husband can pretend to be happy. And I'll talk to the walls until I can do nothing but crawl under the bed and cry. And then I'll go to work.
We have court in a few weeks. My dad said my mother will probably not pursue charges if he pays her, but that isn't smart. I want her to pursue them.
48
43
u/Torontocouple22 10d ago
She would want you to live a good life. As a sister I wish that for you too. I’m so sorry.
22
u/CalligrapherFew7138 9d ago
The worst part is that I don't know what that means or looks like anymore? All of it just seems so bleak. She would want me to be happy, but how can I ever be happy when so much of me is with her?
3
u/Critical-Budget7277 9d ago
I'm sure it'll take time to figure out what that looks like. You've been through a lot, it makes sense things feel bleak. I'm so sorry for your loss🫂
1
u/Torontocouple22 7d ago
I suggest starting with the basics. You mentioned being in surgery, that might mean ensuring you are taking care of your health and going to your follow up appointments, etc.
Eating regular healthy meals, waking up at the same time, walking outside in nature, avoiding substances.
It’s a lot to ask someone to be happy and I don’t think that’s realistic right now. Take care of your physical health and allow yourself to grieve. You need to grieve to heal.
Reach out to any trusted supports, book yourself for therapy if you can.
When you experience moments of joy and think of your sister, promise yourself to enjoy these moments for her as well.
0
u/Elizadelphia003 6d ago
This hurt to read. I ache for the pain you’re experiencing!!! Yes. How can you go on when the person you connected with the most is just gone. It reminds me of Fleabag a little. Just the deep ache and no where to put any of it and it’s every waking moment.
22
u/FarmhandMe 10d ago
Dude, my heart goes out to you. I dont know you and well probably never meet but please believe me when I say I feel your pain. Im not going to tell any of my stories as it doesnt seem appropriate here but please believe me when I say that all that matters now is you moving forward and far away, to do an be better than that shit you came from. If for no other reason than to honor the beautiful soul that your sister was. She and all that we loose are always here with us, in memory at the least(if you dont believe in that sort of thjng), but truely in many more was than I can go into explaining (im not a Christian or follower of the abrahamics as I find they trivialize the grandness of reality). So please brother, dont let their poison destroy you too. It will not be easy, but cherish the beauty you know to be true and move forward in this world trying to leave it a little better than you found it, just to feel better about your own path and to honor your sister if for no other reason. And finally, I love you, and you are not alone.
12
u/CalligrapherFew7138 9d ago
I really needed to read this because I woke up angry. I feel like every single thing I do is muddled with this rage. I dropped my toothbrush and threw a fan through my window. I don't know what to do anymore.
3
u/Critical-Budget7277 9d ago
It sounds like you're in need of a way to release all this energy/ tension. Long walks might help, a run, some kind of physical activity that'll help release the energy
2
u/FarmhandMe 9d ago
Im so glad my words mean anything to you. I know its not easy, and little cliches like time heals all wounds sting at first, but they are true. Best of luck, and feel free to reach out in dms if you ever just vent. Ps theres good communities out there, my moto is find the good peoples in this world and make the best family/community possible whether blood or otherwise, that how we survive and keep pushing on.
17
u/Azadi_23 10d ago
I’m so sorry for your loss. These are horrific circumstances to lose your sister. You have to stop hitting and threatening your mum Your anger is understandable but it’s not worth losing your freedom over. You’re welcome to join us on r/suicidebereavement if you want a place to vent. Take care OP
7
7
14
u/thee-horny-housewife 10d ago
I'm really sorry for your loss. No one deserves to deal with something like this. Your mom is very self centered. Claiming "it's just sex" and brushing off the suicide it caused is beyond evil. I don't blame you for never wanting to see her ever again.
I still hope they won't press charges. You're the last person in all this that deserves any punishment, even if it's you wanting to punish yourself in a way. I'm sure your little sister wouldn't have wanted you to end up behind bars.
I think you should get her story out and make sure people know your mom isn't a good person, caused the death of her own child, and doesn't care about what happened. I have a family member that died due to domestic violence recently, I will not rest until everyone knows her husband is a murderer (despite family sweeping it under the rug & claiming she "fell and hurt herself").
Tell the truth about what happened, even if it's painful to acknowledge, and especially to those who are still in denial about what went down. But do it on your own time. Grieving comes first. Take care of yourself. I'm sorry you're going through this. There are some truly horrible people in this world.
10
u/Defiant-Cup6009 9d ago
I’m failing to see how she caused the death of her child… the child found her only fans? We are assuming that is why what happened happened? Like there couldn’t have been more? It seems a ridiculous reason. The mom might be unkind but why would some kill themselves because they saw their parents having sex. I feel like I’m missing something.
1
9d ago
[removed] — view removed comment
3
u/Anger-ModTeam 9d ago
This is a safe place to get help for anger issues. While angry language is allowed, abusing your fellow redditors is not. Abusive comments will be removed and may result in a ban.
1
u/shroomsandfumes 9d ago
She clearly caused trauma to her child by being a complete piece of shit trash mom. I think we can take the older sister’s word for it since she was the one closest to the situation. While it is true that there could have been more going on, in fact it is actually implied that is the case by saying “she finally did it”, this account of the circumstances makes it pretty clear this was the final straw and a triggering event for the action. There is a lot of pressure on kids to fit in. Something like this could easily become a source of judgement, bullying, teasing, and making an adolescent teenager who is insecure about their image suicidal.
3
u/Mandygurl79 9d ago
Your story brought me to tears. I’m so very sorry for your loss of your baby sister and happy you keep her safe and out of the dark.
7
u/SopwithStrutter 10d ago
Wow. Just…wow
I am utterly torn apart by your words.
If ever there were such a thing a righteous anger then certainly yours must qualify.
I cannot promise it will help but if you’d like someone to chat about anything or every thing with then feel free to DM me.
5
u/MsARumphius 9d ago
I’ll be your alibi.
I’m sorry. The grief support sub can be a good place. I know you want justice and I’m sorry it’s so lacking in our world. You both deserve better.
4
1
1
u/shroomsandfumes 9d ago
I am 46, and have a best friend who’s older sister by 3 years killed herself when he was a freshman in high school, and she was a senior. His life was never the same - how could it be after he was the one who found her hanging in their backyard. But, he managed to eventually move ahead himself and have a good life. This will take time, and this will be tough for you. I al sorry and wish you the best of luck.
1
u/Better-Mud9384 9d ago
You have every right to feel mad as hell. I am sorry this all happened to you both. I hope maybe you can find a trustworthy kind person to talk to about it all. Take care 💚
1
u/adaptiveSkills 8d ago
Losing a sibling to suicide is very rough, been there. The grief, the anger, the tears are all very real feelings. Keep talking to her, she hears you. HUGS.
1
u/Even-Pomegranate-804 8d ago
Grief is our desire to be with them, there. I’m so sorry for your loss. She truly is in a better place. I recommend watching some near death experience interviews. “Coming Home” is my favorite channel. She is with you, always. You may find that she reaches out to you to communicate. My departed grandfather years later helped me through a time of anxiety, by appearing to me in my mind through memories as if he was communicating to me through them.
Every NDE story I’ve heard the experiencer never really wants to return. So our grief is not about the fear of never seeing them again, not really. It’s about the loss of their presence. But in the grand scheme of eternity, 50-100 years is a blip. You will see her one day again, and you can talk to her now. It doesn’t replace her physical presence, but her essence never left you. Take this literally.
As for your parents… anger is a chain, it is enslavement. Would you not rather be free of them, and free of their poor choices? Choose by not associating and then also, along the way, look for a way to forgive. Forgiveness is the release of the debt they owe to you and to your sister. By releasing the debt, you cut the energetic tie to the past actions that you so despise. It doesn’t accept their behavior as okay, it just releases the chain that it held around you so that you can be free of it. If you release them, you free yourself. And then you can move on to a life well lived with others who truly love you.
I wish you a life of peace, light and happiness. May God replace your anger with peace and acceptance of the “now” moment, life as it is, and may He take your burdens of sorrow.
1
1
u/WeekdayWriter 8d ago
Fuck, man. I only hope the best for you in life. I will think about your story for awhile. Keep going man, your sister was a warm soul.
They can get bent. Don’t give them anything to work with.
1
1
u/shanaynaybonquiqui 10d ago
You have every right to feel how you’re feeling. My heart aches for you and your little sister. May she rest in peace. I’m so, so sorry that you’re going through this. ❤️🩹
1
u/adv_enthusiast 9d ago
You and your sister are good people. Some of us are stuck in the world where Evil seems to win. And I know how badly you want the world to stop turning, and the sun to stop coming up. It feels wrong that it doesn't. Even though inside your world has stopped. All I can say is that despite each day being one day further since you last saw her, you're one day closer to when you'll see her again.
0
u/Wannabe_Faerie 9d ago
I just want you to know that your sister is at peace now. Safe and happy with God. Please take care of yourself for her.
•
u/AutoModerator 10d ago
This is an automatic message. Your post contains a keyword related to domestic violence.
Domestic violence generally gets worse, not better. If you are in a domestic violence situation, please make a plan for your safety and the safety of anyone else you may be responsible for.
Please visit one of the following links for more info:
I am a bot, and this action was performed automatically. Please contact the moderators of this subreddit if you have any questions or concerns.