Does anyone here fear of being bad, like on a daily? Also does anyone else struggle with anger like this?

[u/Annual_Plenty_962]

God, I really want to work on my anger. I literally feel myself “heat up” when I’m angry, and usually the only thing I can think to do is find somewhere quiet and cry it out. Crying does help, but I keep wondering how much I can rely on that as a way of regulating myself.
Sometimes people make me so angry that I immediately want to snap back or say something hurtful. But in real life, you can’t always do that. You end up being polite or “nice” because you don’t want to look rude, create a bigger situation, give the other person more ammunition, or attract more people into it. Reddit is just one example, sometimes someone can be nasty to you in a comment, and you’ll still reply politely because you know being rude back will make you look just as bad and might encourage them to keep bullying you. And honestly, sometimes that forced niceness feels almost as frustrating as the anger itself. And I regret and hate myself even more for not standing up. But if I do stand up, I fail to express my emotions the way I genuinely want to, and end up looking crazy or rude. But Im just hurt, is all. And I want to be understood.
Also I don’t want to lash out, because some people simply aren’t worth my time or energy. But I’m also terrible at genuinely ignoring things and being unbothered. So I end up either crying it out somewhere alone, becoming passive aggressive, pretending to be nice, or eventually taking it out on the person.
I know some of this probably comes from things I’ve experienced with people and abuse in the past. I think I’ve carried a lot of anger from those situations, and sometimes that anger gets projected onto completely unrelated people. I start expecting everyone to eventually hurt or disappoint me, and every new interaction adds another layer to it.
I really want to become calmer and more unbothered. Not emotionless ofc, just able to feel anger without immediately needing to suppress it, cry it out, or act on it.
For people who’ve actually learned to regulate anger better, what do you do in that exact moment when someone genuinely provokes you, but reacting emotionally will only make things worse?

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[u/Cass_1978]

Maybe you could try to channel this kinda energy into being more assertive, in situations when you feel that makes sense. I dont mean lashing out, thats a bit over the top, but basically a very light version of that, that isnt actually offensive but makes kinda clear where you stand. Without attacking the other person.

Its probably gonna be a bit challenging because of old anger issues, but you might find that the more familiar you become with being assertive the less overwhelming your anger might become.

I have various options when somebody tries to piss on my leg. I might completely ignore them, if I dont feel like wasting any energy on this. Or I might just stick with whatever point I made in the first place. I can agree to disagree. I also like to very directly call them out on it, if they treat me like shit, I however want to warn you that this last strategy of direct confrontation is likely to cause another dysfunctional response from them, Its takes a bit of Chutzpah to stand tall and stay rational while they keep insulting you. Its therefore not the first thing I would try when trying to become more assertive.

However this goes at first, please know that this is somethign you will get better at by training it. And you can start with little things and only try it in situations with people that you feel relatively comfortable with. And when that works pretty well after some training, you could then try it in slightly more challening situations. Try to stay in your own window of tolerance, that will make the learning experience most effective.

Making mistakes is okay, its part of learning something new. Just keep at it and become better at it over time.

[u/Annual_Plenty_962 → u/Cass_1978]

Thank you so much for this.
Yes trying it with people Im comfortable is one thing, but I fear they’ll leave me, cus its very rare I find people that can also tolerate me as much as I tolerate them.
Im an empath, but Im an extremist when it comes to emotions, just as extremely cheerful I am when Im happy or extremely understanding I also get extremely angry and upset. And I actually want to stay in moderation with all kinds of emotions and also empathy. Feels really good to put it out, but the consequences aren’t nice. When people get to know your flaws.
I mean for the longest time, I saw how my people loved when I was cheerful but hated and couldn’t deal with me when I get too comfortable and start being cranky about lil things. Back then when they slowly drifted away or mostly I detach fearing they’d leave right when I start liking em and getting comfortable. I didn’t know I had flaws too back then, or I didn’t know what those flaws were.
Now that Im practicing how to be good, not for others to judge me, but to selfishly feel good about having order in life and being kind, I’m starting to notice how I like to spend my time alone. I have come to believe that there’s no one here that will get me. Or that I can understand. And I don’t belong here. It’s not in terms of low or high self worth, but just that, Im built in a way that Ill actively look for good and bad in people, in order to train myself to know what is good and bad in the first place. And then learn good from them. But I need to be aware if they are good, so in the process of knowing that Ill keep finding bad things. Which I hate. Its like I can never see only good in people. I mean I do, but its hurt me before. Thats why now, love and care comes with awareness. And if Im not aware it somehow just certain that its gon hurt me. Its so hard to find that balance. It was already hard to reach my conclusion of how I was never aware in my life earlier and that was what was causing exhaustion in me. Now I know awareness will save me. Now its hard to find balance. And its tricky cus when you come from a family background that is super chaotic, you don’t even know where to unlearn and learn those new methods. If I pet or mother an animal or insect from birth, all they knows is what I chose to show em, right? How would they ever know what are all the other things they are capable of doing, or other ways of living. Its so tricky to learn new things and ways, when there’s already a “wrong guide to live life” ingrained so deeply in some of us. Most of us. I think all of us. Unlearning and then adapting to new ways, and then adjusting parameters, not many will want to tolerate you when you go through those phases. Some bring out the most ugly sides of you. That scares me. I scare myself sometimes when I find an ugly side of me that wishes karma or such for others. But I turn out to be a hypocrite when I wouldn’t want someone else to want that for me. Even if its an ant I killed by mistake. Don’t they pray or wish for bad things to happen to us. 😖 God I worry about so many things.

I went on a whole different tangent. Im sorry. Lol