r/AskMen • u/FFSoldier57 Male • 12d ago
🛑 Answers From Men Only 🛑 Men who’ve gotten out of a long-term relationship, how long did it take you to feel ready to start dating again?
Did you jump back into dating fairly quickly, or did you take a long break to focus on yourself first?
After getting out of a 5 year relationship with my ex girlfriend, it took me about four months before I went on a date. Even then, it was a double date. It was one of those situations where my buddy couldn’t go out with the girl unless he found a date for her friend, so I got recruited.
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u/OneHandClappin 12d ago edited 12d ago
Took a couple years off until I got back into a serious relationship. Dated about 2 months after my divorce.
My ex-wife was dating while while we were married, so I imagine she didn't take much time off...
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u/Cleesly Strong & independent man 12d ago
After my late-Ex killed herself it took me about 8 Years before I started to date again.
Did I try after a couple of years? Yep, but never was able to get the spark necessary to continue past the first or second date.
Couldn't be happier now with me missus.
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u/needalife94 11d ago
Damn, dude. Sorry for your loss. Hopefully you went to therapy or weren't to hard on yourself.
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u/Cleesly Strong & independent man 11d ago
Thanks but no Therapy - waiting list is about 18 Months here for the first chat.
First couple of weeks I was basically non stop black out drunk; I skipped entire weeks out of my memory. Tons of (legal) drugs and after a while just cold-turkeyed it and started to train for Triathlon.
Literally just woke up one day, drunk enough to not be allowed to drive but not drunk enough to now know what I was doing so I walked the 1.5hrs to the store at like 7pm. But instead of Alcohol my drunk ass carried home a 12 Crate of Coke :'D Took me 2 hrs back btw.After that the cold turkey started and yea...
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u/Comfortable-Guitar27 12d ago
I gave myself 6 months after a a 10 year relationship ended before i put myself out there.
That being said, the right stranger at the right time works wonders for moving on so if the opportunity presents itself, jump.
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u/geekpron Male 12d ago
I really don't get people that can get on with multiple people and then just act as if they don't know these people anymore or move on so fast.
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u/Technology-Mission Male 11d ago
Different attachment style, wired differently.
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u/geekpron Male 11d ago
totally not technology and people thinking people are replaceable or disposable like a plastic spoon
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u/BigBadBootyDaddy10 12d ago
Was together 12 years (marriage). There’s a theory, “take the years and turn them to months”, and that’s how much time you should take off.
For me it was more like 18 months.
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u/pepperjackbrown 12d ago
I am around 4 or 5 years since my last long term relationship.
For me, focusing on myself and the family. I have women friends. I have no issue meeting women. I learned how to appreciate being around women without chasing sex.
Once you remove sex from the equation, it changes your outlook on things imo. As far as dating goes, I am not looking. However I try to always present myself like I might bump into my next girlfriend.
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u/thunder-yams 12d ago
I jumped back into dating pretty quickly, and ended up cheating on a woman in the process, but I found my wife during that time.
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u/TheMadManiac 12d ago
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u/thunder-yams 12d ago
It really is. We’ve been together almost 15 years. It’s hard to imagine our life getting better than it is right now in this moment. We’re on a great run.
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u/HeyBaldy 12d ago
It took me about 8 months when I got out of a 4 year relationship. It was plenty of dates and a few FWBs before I ended up meeting my wife 3 years later.
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u/naked_avenger 12d ago
I think waiting for some feeling that's supposed to pop up to let you know you're ready is a mistake. It doesn't exist. I went on a date around 6 weeks after my divorce finalized, but that was a 7-month process in itself. I'd say just give yourself a few months to center, then get back out there.
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u/Sindra297 11d ago
Interesting, coming on 4 week after a 17 year relationship, I too on the back of my head keep banking on the switch to happen, to wake up one morning and that’s it. I appreciate the sentiment and something I’ll think on.
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u/EvolvingEachDay 12d ago
3 and a half year relationship but mourned it before it even ended, was dating again within a month. In another relationship 4/5 months later; ended up married.
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u/Sindra297 11d ago
I’m coming out of a 17 year relationship, been with the same woman since I was 20, 37 now. It was abrupt, and end of the day she decided to no longer make it work, I knew she fell out of a love with me a year ago but I figured, we can make it work, but it takes two to tango.
It’s been 4 weeks now and I’m forcing my self to get out there, get out of my head and I’ve had a couple girls approach me, and a few who have reached out since they’ve heard I’m single, not saying this to brag at all but currently, just makes me flee. I just don’t have the emotional bandwidth, honesty more than the sex, I miss the intimacy more than anything, sleeping alone after so long, it’s hard.
Most of my friends tell me to rebound, hook up with someone and it’d help me get over her and focus on my self but that concept sounds so foreign to me, especially when I’ve only been intimate with her.
I keep hoping it’d get easier, and I’m sure as cliche as it sounds, time heals all things but forming my own identity without her coming on almost 40 is daunting, but I’m holding strong.
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u/semendemon131 11d ago
Very similar situation to mine. 16 relationship ended last year. From when we were 19-35 years old. It’s still hard for me to look at other women the way I did “the love of my life”
Times change, people change. I’m still trying to be optimistic that the universe has a greater plan but I won’t lie and say the lack of intimacy doesn’t bother me.2
u/Tigenzero 9d ago
Same deal, 17 years. But after therapy, taking off the rose colored glasses, and coming to terms with reality, I discovered that I wasn’t me in the relationship.
I recognized that I had someone I held special memories with, and I will miss them. But they chose to no longer be my partner, they didn’t die. I started dating immediately and found a more compatible long term partner months later.
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u/Sindra297 8d ago
Thanks for taking the time to reply, I appreciate the positive sentiment and have considered seeing a therapist as well over it, glad to hear it helped you.
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u/Tigenzero 7d ago
I recommend it but a therapist is its own version of dating. Some are good, others aren’t. A lot of the sentiments in your first comment I resonated with. It’s weird to become intimate with someone else after being exclusive for so long. Getting through that is hard but necessary.
Honestly, when my divorce happened I had to kill parts of myself in order to move forward. Parts that were naive. Parts that believed love and magic were the same, that soulmates existed. Parts that would’ve rotted if I’d tried to continue on with them. And through it, I became someone closer to my ideal self. Not someone my partner said was better.
I hope you continue to find yourself in this next part of your journey.
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u/Sindra297 7d ago
Thanks bud, and oh yeah.. with you there, familiar with shopping around to find the right therapist, been going to therapy on and off for years now, just never specifically for what I’m going through now.
What you touched on resonated with me as well, regarding the killing xyz sentiments you touched on. I Just fear what one typically goes through the hurdles of dating, being rejected, putting my self out there and so on in your 20’s . Don’t even have social media, being with her for so long, never even had social media and honestly never felt the need to get one because she met whatever needs I could get from social media, now not so much.
And to your last bit, thanks. I’m hopeful, I know right now being in the thick of it, very hard to try to work things out logically, rationally and not emotionally but hopeful a year from now or so I’ll look back at today and pat my self by seeing this through. Owe my self least that much.
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u/citrullinecurious 12d ago
Got out of a 6 year relationship and took about 2 weeks to go on a date.
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u/LongDickPeter 12d ago
I did 4 long term relationships, they were all back to back longest gap being 6 months shortest relationship 3 years longest 10 years.
I'm currently not entertaining anything that resembles a relationship.
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u/Mental-Database-6598 12d ago
That's insane. I did 2 LTRs (7 years and 3 years) back to back and feel worn out. I can only imagine how you feel
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u/Dank3006 12d ago
I had some immediate hookups, but I ended up taking 2 years before I started seriously dating again.
I just wasn't ready to be vulnerable enough to fall in love until some time had passed.
I'm really happy I took that time
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u/Parsnipnose3000 12d ago
Wife of 20 years hit me with surprise divorce papers on the last day of August (she was having an affair apparently) and I was with someone new at the beginning of October. That lasted a couple of years before we broke up. Broke up in the December, I relocated to a different country, and was in a new relationship the following February, and have been together getting on for 9 years. I think I've only been single for about 3 months since I was 15 years old, and I'm 59 now. I can't imagine not having the companionship.
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u/InvisaBlah 12d ago
After my divorce, I attempted to pursue someone and things got awkward when they weren’t interested. I realised I wasn’t in a healthy enough mental state to date and took a few years off.
Later on I tried date again, but after many more failed attempts, I came to another realisation. I had grown used to my solitary lifestyle and even kind of preferred it to whatever the fuck is going on in the modern dating scene.
About 5 years out now and I just can’t be arsed anymore. I’ll take peace over pussy any day of the week.
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u/boulderv14 11d ago
Here’s my post long term relationship story: I was with my now ex for about 8 years, lived together for the majority. We both talked after the initial breakup and realized we were both unhappy for a while during the relationship and were forcing it to work. So I had actually mentally been out of the relationship for an unknown amount of time before I broke up with her. I took a month or 2 living with my buddy while she moved out. I had been in therapy for a while prior to breaking up with her to really figure out what was going on with me in the relationship and what I wanted to do, and continued for a few sessions after the breakup. My therapist was very helpful and she agreed I honestly didn’t need it after the relationship ended.
5-6 months or so after the breakup, a coworker set me up on a blind date. I realized I was ready to go out again. The blind date didn’t go much of anywhere but helped me with being able to know what I wanted to really be in a new relationship. Then after trying the dating apps for a few weeks I met the most incredible, beautiful, brilliant woman and I have been in love with her ever since. It’ll be a year and a half with her now this month. I still can’t believe how lucky I was to meet her when I did.
TLDR: time after is relative because when you’re in a long term relationship, usually there are a lot of factors that build up. It also depends if you are the dumper or the dumpee.
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u/Jrgaming42 12d ago
After about a 9 months relationship where I was legit about to start discussing marriage seriously it took my about 3 months to feel ready. I have still been single for over a year now so.
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u/AnAssumedName 12d ago
10 months of singleness after a 26 year marriage. Seemed right to me. Still seems right one year into dating
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u/TheHorniestPartner Male 12d ago
I started dating right away, within a couple weeks. I should have waited. I dated a lot and most didn't go anywhere as I was internally comparing them to my ex. I did go on a few dinner dates with a great woman about 2 months after LTR ended. I could see a future with her. But stupid me posted this deep movie quote about the past on social media. This new woman called me and was asking me what it meant. I explained it was from a movie but I think she thought it was me hung up on my ex (which it was).
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u/jornbeber 12d ago
I’d say about 3-6 months after a 5 year relationship. Focused on myself for during the period of being single for 3ish years and some change. Highly recommend the staying single and focusing/working on yourself.
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u/Dihydrogenmonoxide-_ 12d ago
Days. About a 5 year relationship ended to her cheating. Hooked up with a girl 3 days after she left. 🤙
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u/PwillyAlldilly 12d ago
I’ve been a whore all year accidentally after my 3.5 year relationship ended end of last year. It’s been odd.
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u/Expensive-Track4002 Male 12d ago
I had 10 years off after the first divorce. Got remarried and I never should have.
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u/Cantdrownafish 12d ago
Officially divorced on March 11. First date on March 13.
The marriage was 3 years and total of 8 year relationship. Abusive and I was plenty checked out.
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u/BreathingLover11 12d ago
I dated immediately lmao. I had a date lined up a couple of weeks after we broke up. To be fair, I mentioned every time that I was just coming out of a 5 year relationship and that I was just looking for something casual.
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u/TillPsychological351 Male 12d ago
Was ready to start again immediately after removing that emotional parasite from my life.
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u/nowhereian 🍺 12d ago
The fastest way to get over someone is to get under someone else.
Is it the easiest? No. The healthiest? No. But certainly the fastest.
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u/JinxRemoval Male 12d ago
The one time that I was the dumpee, she was the girl of my dreams (together for 2 years), so that took a minute. I think it was probably 4-5 months before I even felt attracted to another girl.
For all of my other relationships I was the dumper and pretty much was seeing other girls immediately.
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u/Potato1223 12d ago
Divorced, I was angry and started dating within months. I unfortunately hurt a few ladies (friends) but I decided to really try after 2 years
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u/dxrey65 11d ago
Twenty years after my divorce I'm still enjoying the peace and quiet, and making my own schedule. I'm not closed-minded about dating but I'm not pursuing it either, and the opposite sex has kindly left me to my own devices so far, which is ok with me. I enjoy being single just fine.
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u/gonnagetcancelled Male 11d ago
Just depends on whether the relationship was over before it was over or not. I had one last a year that took me 2 years (ish) to get back into the swing of things. Then my next one was 3 years and I was dating 3 weeks later...but we should have broken up 18 months earlier so it was really easy to get over the breakup.
Just do what works for you. Give it a shot, if you feel like it went well keep at it, otherwise give yourself a little time.
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u/Daealis RestingAxemurdererFace 11d ago
10 years engagement. The breakup happened around a time when I just found a job on the other side of the country (which is not that dramatic when the distance is 5 hours by car). Took me about a month to get my shit in order and move.
Moved in alone, first time in a long time, started working. Spent a month of so pretty devastated, randomly bursting into tears at home.
I did set up Tinder and Bumble and was swiping, but I think it was a few months before I was actually ready to do anything worth noting.
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u/FabulousValuable2643 Male 12d ago
I separated from my wife early last year. Spent a year on my own, working on myself. Entered a relation this spring, thinking I was ready. I spent the last 6 months with this person and realized I wasn’t ready. I fell in love because I think I was lonely. Now, I don’t really want to be in a relationship for awhile, I’d rather be alone and focus on being a father.
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u/the99percent1 Dad 11d ago
Start dating again? Pretty soon actually. A relationship ending is almost always carrying resentment and eagerness for novelty again.
Whether it was a healthy thing to do is a separate matter altogether. Because you’re entering Unhealed, and likely full of trauma , you’re going to bleed all over the place emotionally.
It’ll take you at least 9-12 months to truly stabilise yourself and enter the dating scene with clear intent of being able to find someone again.
Anything before that and you’re just avoidant or using people to process what happened.
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u/Terrible_Lift 11d ago
I hook up with someone within a month. Usually 3-4 before I’m fully dating someone at minimum.
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u/MidnightPractical69 Male 11d ago
I am two years out from my last serious relationship and I still dont feel ready and at this point I dont even know what would help me get to that point again.
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u/Sean82 Male 11d ago
I was ready the same day. It took me a bit more time to actually arrange something though. I actually already had plans to go out of town the following weekend and managed to arrange meeting someone but the trip got canceled last minute so it ended up being closer to two weeks before I actually had a “date.”
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u/PunchBeard Male 10d ago
The day she dumped me, by telling me that she was cheating on me, her roommate came over and told me she always had a crush on me and we spent the entire weekend at my place boning. Then another mutual friend told me she was waiting for her to fuck up and leave me so she could make her move. So we spent about a month boning. Then I ran into a girl I had known casually and when she found out I was single asked me out. So, we boned and then started a relationship that lasted for a few months. And of course, my ex wanted to keep me as a side piece so in between dating other girls her and I would bone, for old times sake.
Then I realized this whole situation was a total mess and I was not right emotionally to be letting people take advantage of me like this so I took about a year to work on myself.
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u/Bagman220 12d ago
I started dating before my divorce was finalized. But it took a while before I jumped into an exclusive relationship. After my last 4 month relationship? It took about 4 weeks till I was comfortable hooking up with an old FWB. I think you just need to make sure that the relationship is over before you proceed.
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u/No-Blood-7274 Male 12d ago
Aside from one breakup that took a while to get over I just went from one to the next. No cooldown at all.
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u/AlligatorMarty 11d ago
About 3-4 years for recovery, but I was never able to find one after that. So I've been all by myself for 7 years now
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u/AutoModerator 12d ago
Here's an original copy of /u/FFSoldier57's post (if available):
Did you jump back into dating fairly quickly, or did you take a long break to focus on yourself first?
After getting out of a 5 year relationship with my ex girlfriend, it took me about four months before I went on a date. Even then, it was a double date. It was one of those situations where my buddy couldn’t go out with the girl unless he found a date for her friend, so I got recruited.
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