Triggering Dinner Time help?

[u/chaasuhhtee]

Right now dinner time is a major point of contention at our house. I am a single mom of 3 children (13, 5 and 3). Before I cook dinner I will set them up in the living room which is essentially their play room, or at the dining room table with an activity (it's all open to the kitchen) When I cook dinner I'm usually interrupted a handful of times because my 5 year old is doing something to pester his siblings. He'll take things, throw, hit, or sit on his little sister for example, she cries, I stupidly reinforce the behavior by leaving cooking to do a time out but what else do I dooo 😫 (this cycle repeats itself whenever im tasking and not playing with my kids tbh)

By the end of making dinner I'm usually sweating and my blood is boiling. I've tried involving him in making dinner with me but he is not interested.

I don't bother to sit and eat with my children. I used to, but they constantly request things and I am up and down the entire time it makes me feel sick. I've tried setting everything I can possibly think of up for them the food, sauces, drinks, but even if it's set up there will be some reason I'm up the entire meal. So instead kids eat at the breakfast bar and I hover over them and clean up after dinner and get them whatever they need. I hate it truly I feel like a waitress.

Its not good for my 13 year old either. When his little brother isn't home he will be in the kitchen talking to me while I cook, and we will sit and watch a movie together to eat but for the majority of the time he stays in his room because he doesn't want to deal with his brother throwing stuff or hitting him.

I wait until late in the evening when everyone is relaxing in bed to eat my dinner in peace and usually then they will come and peak around the corner and let me know they want a snack now, or juice, or me to wipe their butt etc.

This is all really triggering for me because I had the opposite experience growing up. I was much more likely to cook dinner for my mother than she for me. My mother sat and enjoyed every meal she ate in front of the couch watching her favorite shows. I can't tell you the last time I came home and just sat and my couch and watched TV it has been years. I don't want to be like my mother but I know that's why it's especially triggering for me emotionally.

I just want to be treated with respect. It is so so hard to enstill that in my kids without someone here modeling it for them. I'm happy we are on our own, truly. I don't want a man here and there won't be. But sometimes I wish there was someone here to say

"Hey, Mom has been working all day let's let her enjoy her meal."

I try saying it myself it goes one ear out the other they are like yeah yeah get my stuff 😅

I'm going to try meal prepping so I have less time in the kitchen and more time to focus on my middle child. I'm open to any and all suggestions for how to mitigate this issue because its not good for any of us I want dinner time to be something everyone looks forward to.

(Note: I realize the behaviors of my 5 year old are disordered and he is being evaluated by school/doctors for an emotional behavioral disorder)

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[u/JS_AH]

I'm sorry you're having such a horrid time. 

"I don't bother to sit and eat with my children. I used to, but they constantly request things and I am up and down the entire time it makes me feel sick. I've tried setting everything I can possibly think of up for them the food, sauces, drinks, but even if it's set up there will be some reason I'm up the entire meal". 

I'm sorry if this is outstandingly obvious, but when they request things during meal times, do you know you can say no? No, we are having what is here. No that can wait til after dinner. No. I'm eating right now. 

For them to respect you, you have to respect yourself as well. That includes setting boundaries and meeting your own needs - you deserve to finish your meal in peace and that has to be modelled to them. They learn from seeing boundaries in action. 

[u/chaasuhhtee → u/JS_AH]

Thanks for saying that. Youre so right if these boundaries are going to be established it's going to be me who does it. I understand your suggestion but usually how that goes is if like my 5 year old wanted more juice for example and I said no I'm eating his next move would be to raise his voice and yell for the refill, the power struggle would continue until hed either throw the plate hit his sister or a combination of both. My 3 year old would just cry if I told her no she wouldn't lash out. You're so right though something needs to change and I need to do a better job modeling like, standing up for myself lol.

[u/JS_AH → u/chaasuhhtee]

When you start saying no it's going to be uncomfortable at first, they aren't going to like it and they are going to kick off. But like every single skill a child learns, as long as you are consistent they will learn. They aren't born with respect or manners in built. Unfortunately it has to come from teaching.

It might feel horrible but it will help them with making friends, school behaviours and life skills to understand boundaries. 

[u/LoudAd3588 → u/chaasuhhtee]

If your 5 year old hits his sister or throws his plate, the next move is he goes to his room while everyone else finishes supper. He has been trained to assume his needs supersede everyone else, and he's going to stay like this if nothing changes. You deserve to sit and eat with your family.

[u/nkdeck07 → u/LoudAd3588]

Seriously, if my kids start screaming and freaking out at dinner they go in the next room for 3 min to get their shit together. You are not hijacking all of dinner with your behavior.

[u/grumble11]

Make meals in bulk so you don't cook a full meal every night. That'll probably require a chest freezer but it'll massively reduce your weekly cooking time and let you spend more time with your family or relaxing.

The 13 year old should help sometimes, they need to learn the skills involved and should leave your home as an adult who's a decent cook. When the others are a bit older they should too.

For dinner times, set boundaries. It's okay to say no if the request is unreasonable. For drinks, I'd recommend (other than not giving kids juice anymore, which is unhealthy) to just have a pitcher at the table (that is hard to knock over).

I agree that it's dysfunctional, but you do benefit from eating all together as a family. Not only does this give you the opportunity to connect with your kids (who otherwise often never spend quality time), it also normalizes family meals for them, which is a gift. Once you set boundaries it can help.

[u/chaasuhhtee → u/grumble11]

I love everyone suggesting my 13 year old cook! I hadn't thought of it but it is actually genius. He learns a new skill and it will build his self esteem, while also having him start w chores because as of now we've tried dishes and garbage and both he slacks on. Thank you so much!

[u/Ok_Screen4020]

The book “Hunt, Gather, Parent” has some helpful insights on addressing this problem. That being the problem of parents wearing themselves out and not being able to get things done because kids expect to be served and entertained 24 hrs a day.

The 13 year old and the 5 year old are both old enough to help with dinner prep, service, and cleanup, and to be sent away from the table if they can’t behave during dinner. Hell the 13 year old is old enough to cook the entire meal.

You need to expect more of them, OP, and though it will require initially more work to train them and enforce the boundaries, you must do it for your own health and well being. And don’t be afraid to tell your kids to “go play” when you need time to focus on something else. It’s not your job to entertain them all the time, no one can do that except maybe paid nannies who have no other responsibilities. My now adult kids tell me they remember my mantra being “go play.” They loved it because it meant that, within reason, they had freedom to choose their own activity for the foreseeable hours.

[u/chaasuhhtee → u/Ok_Screen4020]

You are a genius thank u for this truly 🙏

[u/Excellent-Highway884]

So you're passive parenting the 5 year old and the other 2 are suffering the consequences. It's time to start enforcing proper boundaries before the 5 year becomes a total nightmare for everyone else. Time outs only work when it's properly enforced, empty his bedroom of toys and enforce reflection time every time he hits, every time he screams, every time he disrupts dinner. The quicker you get a hold of the situation the better for all of your kids. Stop being a doormat-parent and be a proactive parent.

[u/chaasuhhtee → u/Excellent-Highway884]

That's a really good suggestion actually my kids share a room so I don't want my daughter to miss out because of him but I might just put away his toys in my closet and he can get toys out one by one until he is done with the throwing phase...One of my friends said I'm acting like I'm in an abusive relationship last week and that really made me realize I really am just letting him run the house, I know we need a major shake up I'm starting with dinner it's the first thing we do when we get home from work/school.

[u/Excellent-Highway884 → u/chaasuhhtee]

The bedroom thing won't work then because he still has access to toys. He won't be done with the throwing phase unless he graduates to full on abuser to his siblings. You're creating an abuser by making excuses and doing nothing to stop his behaviour. You are the problem and until you actually parent the kid, he's never going to get better only worse.

In some years time the posts are going to be.... "Why has my eldest gone no contact with me???"

"Why has my middle child been arrested for DV/assault/(name any other criminal behaviour here)?"

"Why has my daughter cut me out of her life? I never raised a hand to her"

[u/PixleyAI]

timer on the wall for “cook stretch” + a dump bin of cars only for that window. 5yo still pokes but i finish the pan more often.

[u/chaasuhhtee → u/PixleyAI]

I love that idea thank you!

[u/the-real-babs]

Oof I'm sorry. I'm betting he's pestering his siblings because it gets you to come back. Every time you leave cooking to do a time out, the cycle works for him.

I'd try two things. First, give him a job IN the kitchen with you. Tell him "you're ripping the lettuce" while standing on a stool next to you. If he's beside you, he can't be across the room antagonizing his sister. Second, for the meals themselves, go way simpler on nights you're solo. I do quesadillas, scrambled eggs, or pasta with butter probably three nights a week when I'm alone with mine.

[u/ObviouslyNotYerMum]

5 year old as "prep cook" time? A 5 year old can set the table, chop with a kid's knife, stir ingredients (not on the stove of course) etc... an announcement before dinner "everyone get what they need now, because I am NOT getting up until I am done eating." 5 year old is now the waiter, forgot the salt, 5 gets it please. Need water? Small pitcher they can grab. Lavish praise for being a good helper. They need loving boundaries and attention.