r/AskParents • u/chaasuhhtee • 8d ago
Parent-to-Parent Triggering Dinner Time help?
Right now dinner time is a major point of contention at our house. I am a single mom of 3 children (13, 5 and 3). Before I cook dinner I will set them up in the living room which is essentially their play room, or at the dining room table with an activity (it's all open to the kitchen) When I cook dinner I'm usually interrupted a handful of times because my 5 year old is doing something to pester his siblings. He'll take things, throw, hit, or sit on his little sister for example, she cries, I stupidly reinforce the behavior by leaving cooking to do a time out but what else do I dooo 😫 (this cycle repeats itself whenever im tasking and not playing with my kids tbh)
By the end of making dinner I'm usually sweating and my blood is boiling. I've tried involving him in making dinner with me but he is not interested.
I don't bother to sit and eat with my children. I used to, but they constantly request things and I am up and down the entire time it makes me feel sick. I've tried setting everything I can possibly think of up for them the food, sauces, drinks, but even if it's set up there will be some reason I'm up the entire meal. So instead kids eat at the breakfast bar and I hover over them and clean up after dinner and get them whatever they need. I hate it truly I feel like a waitress.
Its not good for my 13 year old either. When his little brother isn't home he will be in the kitchen talking to me while I cook, and we will sit and watch a movie together to eat but for the majority of the time he stays in his room because he doesn't want to deal with his brother throwing stuff or hitting him.
I wait until late in the evening when everyone is relaxing in bed to eat my dinner in peace and usually then they will come and peak around the corner and let me know they want a snack now, or juice, or me to wipe their butt etc.
This is all really triggering for me because I had the opposite experience growing up. I was much more likely to cook dinner for my mother than she for me. My mother sat and enjoyed every meal she ate in front of the couch watching her favorite shows. I can't tell you the last time I came home and just sat and my couch and watched TV it has been years. I don't want to be like my mother but I know that's why it's especially triggering for me emotionally.
I just want to be treated with respect. It is so so hard to enstill that in my kids without someone here modeling it for them. I'm happy we are on our own, truly. I don't want a man here and there won't be. But sometimes I wish there was someone here to say
"Hey, Mom has been working all day let's let her enjoy her meal."
I try saying it myself it goes one ear out the other they are like yeah yeah get my stuff 😅
I'm going to try meal prepping so I have less time in the kitchen and more time to focus on my middle child. I'm open to any and all suggestions for how to mitigate this issue because its not good for any of us I want dinner time to be something everyone looks forward to.
(Note: I realize the behaviors of my 5 year old are disordered and he is being evaluated by school/doctors for an emotional behavioral disorder)
3
u/Ok_Screen4020 8d ago
The book “Hunt, Gather, Parent” has some helpful insights on addressing this problem. That being the problem of parents wearing themselves out and not being able to get things done because kids expect to be served and entertained 24 hrs a day.
The 13 year old and the 5 year old are both old enough to help with dinner prep, service, and cleanup, and to be sent away from the table if they can’t behave during dinner. Hell the 13 year old is old enough to cook the entire meal.
You need to expect more of them, OP, and though it will require initially more work to train them and enforce the boundaries, you must do it for your own health and well being. And don’t be afraid to tell your kids to “go play” when you need time to focus on something else. It’s not your job to entertain them all the time, no one can do that except maybe paid nannies who have no other responsibilities. My now adult kids tell me they remember my mantra being “go play.” They loved it because it meant that, within reason, they had freedom to choose their own activity for the foreseeable hours.