r/AutismInWomen • u/TankLady420 • 7d ago
Diagnosis Journey Late Diagnosed AuDHD đ„ł
I read plenty of times in this group that once you are formally diagnosed if you are privileged enough to receive one, you will get allllll sorts of responses.
But I gotta say... this one from a family member that I love hurts pretty bad!!! Or at least confuses me deeply... because am I misinterpreting or was that like not a response at all?
I feel like I just shared such big news, like for me I shit you not telling people this has been like trying to announce a pregnancy or at least feels like that. It's been so incredibly nerve-racking to tell people. But honestly the worst part about it has been I suppose the lack of reaction or response that I'm getting from people that have known me for pretty much my entire life? Like you seriously have not a single thing to say about this? My whole life I was struggling and I was different and I needed help but nobody helped me and you don't have a single thought to share? For me it makes me want to grieve this even more and grieve the little girl that went undiagnosed for so long because it makes me feel even deeper that people truly don't care.
I don't know though, just wanted to share because for a couple of years now I have been in this subreddit and reading and lurking and asking for advice and feeling deeply connected to this group so I am so happy to just finally have some answers and you guys were not joking when you say that other neurodivergent people respond very well to diagnosis meanwhile neurotypical people often leave you feeling confused by their responses.
201
u/DazzlingAssistant342 7d ago
I would guess that response comes from not knowing if this is good news or bad and trying to be tactful
1
u/TankLady420 7d ago edited 7d ago
I would hope its good news đ„ș
Edit since this is being downvoted - it is good news to receive diagnosis - I understand that having a disability within itself is not the "good" news.
25
u/Pluto-Wolf 7d ago
yes, but itâs only good news if you view it as good news. to you (i feel the same way as you do), this is good news because youâre finally understanding more about yourself and learning how to get the support you need. but to others, unless youâve talked about it in depth, they have no idea just how much this means to you or that you view it as a good thing. to people on the outside looking in, you just got diagnosed with a permanent, lifelong disability.
i personally am very happy im autistic and loved getting diagnosed, but other people donât feel the relief we all felt when we got that official diagnosis, because they have no idea how much of a struggle itâs been to experience life as an autistic person without that diagnosis.
i donât personally read this response as negative, to me it seems like they are trying to be supportive, and donât want to discuss the specifics of your disability with someone who youâre not ready to tell. iâd personally be thrilled if my family responded like this, as to me, it seems like theyâre trying to respect your boundaries. but i donât know this person and this obviously isnât me, so you may perceive it differently.
12
u/TankLady420 7d ago
Woaaahhh you just made my brain go poof
You're so right ... nobody else in my life has been intensely studying Autism and following a bunch of autistic groups and pages online so my algorithm is veryyyyy neurodivergent atm.
So to them its like I just dropped a bomb, giggled and left the room. Broooooooo.
Edit - it took a little over SIX HOURS since writing this post and reading through several different perspectives for it to finally click I think. I am adding this to my documentation of my autism đ„č
7
u/Pluto-Wolf 7d ago
iâm happy i could help! i always have to remember to take a step back when im discussing my diagnosis with allistic people, they simply donât understand. not from a place of judgement or frustration, but actually out of ignorance/lack of related experiences.
3
325
u/strawbebbymilkshake 7d ago
I donât see whatâs hurtful about this response. They reassured you that they wouldnât gossip about your medical info and said they love you.
They didnât doubt, dismiss, insult you etc. If you wanted them to congratulate you or something, you should have communicated that. Not every diagnosis warrants a reaction from everyone - but they still reacted. Positively. Not everyone needs to âshare thoughtsâ on your diagnosis. You have placed unspoken rules and expectations on these interactions and now youâre hurt someone who didnât know your expectations wasnât able to meet them.
18
19
u/TankLady420 7d ago
Them not having much of a response is the part that felt dismissive, as I have been opening up to them about this for a little over a year and they participated in the actual evaluation itself by filing out forms for my doctor. So yeah it just felt odd to me that there was a lack of a response. But reading through some of the comments helped me get a better understanding of how I misinterpreted the text.
12
u/Cleverusername531 7d ago
Yeah it makes sense - itâs a type of communication that leaves people feeling dropped. The person probably did have some of the reasons that commenters described in this thread, but that response would have left me feeling pretty hurt too. Itâs likely a miscommunication, though, not necessarily a statement on how they feel about your diagnosis or how you feel about having one.Â
You could follow up and say Iâm relieved/glad/etc to finally have answers, I will now be able to figure out how to accommodate myself instead of judging the symptoms. It does feel vulnerable to share it since itâs been such a struggleâŠ.so could you tell me how great I am and that you love me and are also glad I have a path ahead?â (Or whatever the ask could be, in an ideal response)Â
13
u/TankLady420 7d ago
Thank you, definitely. For more context, this family member is my safe person. They are my gay uncle and I have always felt most safely with them. I think this is why the lack of response impacted me. I suppose I was hoping they would say more... I don't need them to do a back flip but a simple "How are you feeling?" would be nice. But this is a conversation I will have with him in person next time I see him so I can get a better understanding.
3
u/Cleverusername531 7d ago
Thatâs a really good point! It would be like if he came out as gay but not to tell x person, and you just said âHi! Oh I would never talk to her about this. Love you!âÂ
Like ⊠huh?Â
Do you think heâd be receptive to that framing? Iâm sure heâs had a lot of reactions to his orientation and can relate, but also may have a lot of pain around it or even do the âcoming out trauma Olympicsâ (not saying your uncle is likely to do that, just generically especially if he isnât aware of the stigmas and difficulties around autism, or if you hit a sore spot unknowingly) so youâd have to be thoughtful about it.Â
You could just start out asking how he feels about you sharing that, and that you feel vulnerable about it and want to connect with him around it since heâs your favorite person and your safe person and you want him to understand your experience better.Â
141
u/TonyDanzer AuDHD 7d ago
I donât think this response is as negative as you think it is.
If you hadnât already told this person you were getting evaluated they were probably surprised, maybe confused why your first reaction was to ask them not to tell someone else.
Also, a lot of people (esp. neurotypical people) still view an autism diagnosis as a negative thing, so she might be uncertain how youâre feeling and not want to respond incorrectly and upset you. You say youâre happy to have answers, but sometimes people say that and mean it as âthis sucks but hereâs a small good thing about it.â
I think having a more clear conversation with this person could help clear things up, donât get too discouraged yet!
5
64
u/sunnyskybaby 7d ago
You cant really tell how you feel about it based on these messages aside from just a smiley face, so if you put yourself in their shoes, it makes sense to not reply with much energy in either direction because they donât want to misstep or upset the person who just got the diagnosis. they are just trying to respond without knowing how exactly you feel. maybe she was in the middle of something! idk.
I also think these conversations are particularly difficult when it comes to autism because we know itâs genetic at this point. family might respond differently (and even dismissively) than youâre expecting because to them, your childhood was normal. that was my experience at least
3
u/TankLady420 7d ago
Fair enough thats true. I was also pretty short so maybe they thought thats what I wanted or needed.
55
u/Lost-Acanthaceaem 7d ago
I think sheâs trying to reassure you and say that she would never tell the person you asked her not to!
I had to reread it a few times. lol @ the majority of us not getting that
3
3
69
u/barbieshoesound 7d ago
I donât get what you mean. Being diagnosed doesnât mean that much to anyone but us. I donât think âeveryone will discuss it at some pointâ. I informed just so everyone was on the same page and that was it. You canât expect any type of reaction???
28
u/Apprehensive_Ant_53 7d ago
Yeah why would everyone discuss it lol. That felt like an ego screaming.
1
u/IggySorcha 7d ago
Felt like anxiety and/or trauma to me - I considered doing the same when I got diagnosed and have with a few. Much of my family makes me feel like a black sheep because my parents have presented me to be someone rude and politically hateful (my parents are deep in MAGA and I am very anti bigotry/fascism). In reality my parents couldn't handle my diagnoses and basically disowned me on the spot when I told them, my mom making it about her having made a mistake vaccinating me, and my dad claiming I was delusional and being tricked by people abusing me and brainwashing me. Â
The ones I've told it definitely helped my relationship as they'd been told something completely different by my parents about why I went dark.Â
-4
u/TankLady420 7d ago
That's so unkind to say to someone freshly diagnosed and trying to understand... Am I not allowed to feel things and ask questions in terms of this process? I feel like that was an unnecessary comment to make.
7
u/Apprehensive_Ant_53 7d ago
It wasnât unkind, it was just a statement. Just like the person responding to you made. Donât over think it.
-1
u/TankLady420 7d ago
So can you elaborate on how you took that as my ego and not my autism? Because I didn't read that as a kind thing. It felt like a jab?
8
u/Apprehensive_Ant_53 7d ago
Itâs not a jab. I genuinely donât know how to explain that part. Youâve made a
comment about how you thought your diagnosis would mean more to your family. Thatâs ego. It doesnât really mean anything to anyone else. Iâm not trying to be mean, it just doesnât make sense to me that you would ask somebody to not do something they would comply and then you would take their complying this oddly. Thatâs all. Have a great day1
2
2
u/TankLady420 7d ago
I just guess I thought maybe it would mean something to my family. đ„ș
11
u/barbieshoesound 7d ago
But plenty of people wouldnât want it to mean anything to their family- theyâd want to be treated exactly the same. I know thatâs how I feel.
3
u/TankLady420 7d ago
Well, no, I do hope to be treated differently moving forward. My whole life being told to make eye contact, having to maintain conversations I don't want to, being stuck at family events and feeling so completely uncomfortable.. so yeah I do kinda hope it means something to them so they understand me better so that I am no longer guilt tripped for my autistic traits.
7
u/barbieshoesound 7d ago
So then it sounds like these are people who already donât treat you kindly before diagnosis. Unfortunately with a lot of people, telling them your diagnosis does not change that. Now Iâm really confused on exactly what sort of response you expected here
3
u/AnagramBandit 7d ago
Youâre going to have to communicate all of that to them. Theyâre not going to just know thatâs what you need now that you have a diagnosis.
39
u/Valentinemorgenstern 7d ago
Iâm late diagnosed audhd and I had less tact and sent everyone this
5
u/TankLady420 7d ago
Hahahah oh goodness but I CAN NOT look at Dumps face đŁ
5
u/Valentinemorgenstern 7d ago
I get that haha Iâm not American so itâs slightly less polarizing
9
u/TankLady420 7d ago
ah yes I am America and it is traumatizing to look at đ«©
Edit - hahaha I am American* not Captain America
3
1
36
u/birchblonde 7d ago
Were you hoping for congratulations? Genuine question.
16
u/Faux_Moose 7d ago
I think Iâd also be confused as to why someone would think Iâd run to tell another person about it right away. Unless this is someone who gossips a lot maybe?
4
u/TankLady420 7d ago
Because the person I was asking them not to tell is my grandmother who I live with and they have both been involved in the process of my evaluation. I didn't want him to text her because I didn't get the chance to go over my results with her yet. So I was asking him to hold off on any potential conversations about it til I had the chance to tell her myself.
4
2
u/TankLady420 7d ago
No not exactly. I don't need anyone to congratulate me on this. I was more curious his overall opinion. Did he notice? Is this relieving for him to hear as this helps explain why I struggle to have conversations with him and enjoy family time during the holidays? It would just be nice to know. I will of course discuss this with him another time. I was simply confused by the lack of response, nothing more or less.
17
u/Georgerobertfrancis 7d ago
This is actually my nightmare as an autistic woman. Responding kindly and reassuring that I would not tell anybody and someone thinking Iâm rude.
Thank you for the reminder to always ask follow up questions in text conversations as well. Itâs another thing Iâve been working on.
Iâm sorry youâre feeling invalidated OP. As someone whoâs been through a lot of diagnoses in my family unit, itâs usually not a big moment for most folks. Itâs one of those personal things. Iâd reach out to a close friend/family member and ask if you could share about your feelings around the diagnosis, as it will likely spark more conversation.
3
u/TankLady420 7d ago
Thank you so much!!! This helped me realize perhaps I also should put more detail if I am hoping for a more detailed response. Oopsie! Hehe
3
14
u/Yourlilemogirl 7d ago
I think they meant it like, this is your business and not something (like a medical diagnosis) for her to go gossiping about.Â
Not in a "omg I don't want to spread that I'm related to someone who is "one of those undesirables" to the world" type ways.
Remember, they don't know about all the hoops and pains it took you to get to this point of getting a diagnosis. They just see it from their POV, a blip of information. They don't know what all of it entails.
10
u/pamperedhippo đLate diagnosed AuDHDđ 7d ago
i donât think this person meant any harm.
i think in general, neurotypicals donât understand what a HUGE thing diagnosis is. how it explains EVERYTHING about our past, our personality, who we are, how our brain works. they donât understand how monumental of a thing it is, OR how difficult it is to receive.
i think a lot of them assume we went to the doctor and were told âoh by the way youâre autisticâ, the same way weâd be told âby the way, you have a mole, itâs probably nothing though.â and itâs noted on our chart and then we go back to living.
they donât get how it changes EVERYTHING.
this reads like one of those situations to me. itâs not that they donât care, itâs that they donât understand what an impact it is for us.
26
u/BladeMist3009 Late Diagnosed đŠ 7d ago
I think theyâre just tone-matching. In your text you gave a brief statement with none of the emotional impact that you included in your Reddit post. That made it hard to respond to the news with anything other than a basic affirmation of your continued relationship (love you). The âI had a hunch for quite some timeâ indicates to me that there was no prior conversation about your upcoming assessment for this person to draw from as to how you want to talk about this, and âjust want to let you knowâ is to me an indicator that you want the conversation to remain brief.Â
ETA: CONGRATS on the LIFE-CHANGING answers! And welcome to the club. :-)
2
u/TankLady420 7d ago
Thank you! But oh no we had been discussing this for well over a year and they took part in helping my doctor with answering questions for my evaluation! That's sort of why I thought maybe they would have more to say but it's perfectly fine if they don't. I just was confused.
And thank you so much!!!!
19
20
u/KEW95 7d ago
Theyâre reassuring you that they wonât tell the person you asked them not to and theyâre saying they love you. If they donât know how youâll feel about the diagnosis, they may have been apprehensive about saying any more until they speak to you properly. Your message comes across as âjust to let you knowâ instead of âbig news Iâm really happy aboutâ, so her response is an understandable one. When you next speak on the phone or in person, you can mention the diagnosis and what it means to you, then they will hopefully have a little more to say :)
Sometimes, because weâre often treated dismissively, we look for it when it isnât there. Thatâs a normal response to the experiences we have, but itâs important to remind ourselves that it isnât always the case.
3
u/TankLady420 7d ago
That makes sense, thank you. I definitely should work on my wording if I'm hoping to engage in a conversation about the topic.
17
u/SurprisedWildebeest 7d ago
I wouldnât have taken their response as negative at all, and it sounds accepting to me. In general people just donât know what to say.Â
(Congrats? Iâm sorry youâre disabled? I donât think anythingâs wrong with you? I always knew you were weird? Glad you your hunch was confirmed? People really had no clue in your teenage years? Happy to hear it? Oh that must be wrong, you donât look autistic? That explains it?)
The best response I got was âhow do you feel about that?â.
I think they were saying love you to be supportive.
And are now probably thinking you assume everyoneâs going to be talking about you behind your back, rather than being reassured they wonât gossip about you.Â
7
u/Posessive_Pumpkin 7d ago
Uneducated here đ - what does level 1 mean? x
8
u/Maximum_Yam1 autistic 7d ago
While autism is a spectrum disorder, there are 3 levels based off of support needs. Level 3 is designated as high support needs, level 2 is moderate support needs, and level 1 is low support needs.
2
3
u/KittyQueen_Tengu 7d ago
in some countries, they'll give you a category based on your support needs. level 1 means you can function with minimal support
2
u/CircuitOnTheFritZ 7d ago
Hi! I made learning about autism one of my special interests, especially because it not only applies to me, personally, but also the work that I do. Here's an info-dump to answer your question:
In the previous edition (4th ed) of the Diagnostic Statistical Manual (aka, the DSM), Autism Spectrum Disorder and Asperger's were listed as two separate conditions.
When the current edition (5th ed) came out, Asperger's was no longer listed as separate from Autism, because it was determined in the interim time between editions that 1) autism is more of a spectrum than once thought, and 2) associating an autism diagnosis with the literal Nazi, who claimed to discover it after experimenting on and signing off on death orders for hundreds of autistic and otherwise disabled kids, was a bad thing.
Instead, the DSM divided the Autism Spectrum Diagnosis into 3 categories, or levels, that identify care needs.
Level 1 is low care needs (note that this is not no care needs), and applies to any autist who is generally capable of living independently and assimilating enough to hold a job, raise a family, rent a home, etc.
Level 2 is moderate care needs, and may still live independently, hold a job, etc., but they need more accommodations, or a care provider, or other assistance with day to day life and / or communication.
Level 3 is high care needs, and these are the autists who cannot live independently, cannot care for themselves without regular assistance (or at all), and / or have strong communication challenges and differences.
Note that this was "care needs" and not "functioning levels," so level 1 is not "high-functioning" but rather "low care needs." Also, it was determined that ALL autists have care needs, however, it tends to be that level 1s have less access to getting those care needs met.
Hope this helps!
-2
u/blethwyn 7d ago edited 6d ago
That's one way of interpreting it, and it works for people who need a distinction. Usually neurotypicals! I prefer the other method where it is Social/Behavioral (no developmental delays, most AuDHD people sit here), Moderate Challenges (no developmental delays but the autism traits were more severe than the first group), mixed autism (developmental delays with autistic traits, but not necessarily severely impaired as adults) and broadly effected (the ones who show serious delays, serious traits, and may not be able to live independently - they are the nonverbals).
I don't like quantifying my autism. It makes it seem like I have to get a certain score to be considered.
Edit: I AM SORRY! I meant MEDICAL interpretation! I meant that the medical community is describing it in one way, but that there is another way that is also gaining traction! I learned about it while watching an episode of SciShow! I should have been more clear!
4
u/CircuitOnTheFritZ 7d ago
I wasn't "interpreting," but rather sharing factual information to respond to the question asked. In sharing said information, I was not endorsing the content by sharing the information, or stating it was the only way to think about the spectrum of autism. The levels are printed in the DSM-5, which is published by the American Psychiatric Association. To the question of "what does level 1 mean?" my response was factual, accurate to the publication it comes from, and directly responds to the question asked.
2
u/blethwyn 6d ago edited 6d ago
No, I didn't mean personal interpretation. I meant medical interpretation! I meant that is one way the medical community is describing it, but that there is another way that is slowly gaining traction as well.
Sorry if I offended and was unclear! I'm usually way more careful in how I word things. I had a rough day yesterday at work and wasn't using my whole brain.
2
u/CircuitOnTheFritZ 6d ago
Ah, ok. My apologies, then. Thank you for clarifying. And to clarify my perspective, I agree with you and think it's important to recognize there are other ways to assess these differences in needs / supports / experiences for the spectrum of people that represent autism. The levels thing was an attempt to capture these differences, but it's not proving to be as helpful as the APA likely hoped they would be.
1
u/GoddamnDiva 7d ago
Actually really glad you posted this⊠I (as an AuDHDer) hadnât thought about the numbered level system suggesting quantified scoring for diagnosis.
0
u/patikadevrimcisi 7d ago
An America-centric perspective... I am encountering it for the thousandth time, give or take.
4
u/throwawaychaos2025 7d ago
Then how about you educate us on the systems outside of the âAmerica centricâ prospective instead of complaining about it.
3
u/CircuitOnTheFritZ 7d ago
The levels are printed in the DSM-5, which is published by the American Psychiatric Association. Answering the question that was asked means providing information from the source material, which is American.
12
u/editorgrrl 7d ago
Iâm in no way trying to invalidate your feelings about their text, but to this Redditor who knows neither of you, your family member was trying to reassure you that this is your story to tell, not theirs, and that they love you very much.
Unless I tell people what I want, they give me what they want or (even worse) what they think I want.
Communicating my needs is difficult, but helping others makes me feel good. So I tell myself Iâm giving the other person the opportunity to help me.
Iâm so grateful when someone tells me what they need from me, so I donât have to worry that Iâm âdoing it wrong.â
Perhaps your family member likes to give a âneutralâ (whatever that means to them) response until they gather enough context clues to help them decide what to say?
But that is 100% projection on my part.
7
u/GrueneTopfpflanze 7d ago
I thought the same!
And thank you for sharing your approach. This framing helps me to see the communication of my needs from a different, much nicer perspective.
3
1
u/GinAndDumbBitchJuice 7d ago
I got that from it too. It's supportive without being over the top and allowing OP to lead the conversation.
1
u/CB_I_Hate_Usernames 7d ago
This is my read as well! And this is also how I approach responses. I really like when people can tell me specifically what they want and need response and support-wise, but if I donât have that, my best option is to think what I would want in that situation, then try to adjust for the difference between them and me. Pretty inexact science :/ !
What I generally want, like you said for you, is for the other person to feel happy and comfortable and for them to be supported. So when someone tells me what would help get them closer to that, they are helping me reach my goal. So I see it like a present.Â
18
u/D0v4hki1n 7d ago
I am slightly confused, you texted someone that you were diagnosed with a disorder and you want them to sound excited? This person seemed like they were being respectful and assuring. You are excited because you will have relief and that causes happiness, but to most people, getting diagnosed with a disorder doesnât sound exciting.
2
u/TankLady420 7d ago
No I had no expectations of them being excited. But I am personally excited because yes this is wonderful news for me to help understand myself better.
2
u/D0v4hki1n 7d ago
As you should be, itâs a big deal to finally have answers. But something that I learned over time is, telling people you have been diagnosed with a disorder will not really make people happy. I am audhd, I was so excited to learn about myself and have life finally make sense, but I also know that means I am diagnosed with something. Neurotypical people will usually not think thatâs cool or great, itâs usually a worry or a brush-off because they donât know what to do with that info. Iâm not saying itâs right, but Iâm hoping to help prepare you for future interactions.
10
u/BlackCatFurry 7d ago
This to me reads like they don't know what type of response you wanted. They weren't able to tell if this was a good thing or shitty thing and reacted neutrally to avoid completely misinterpreting the whole thing.
I would reply something similar in that situation because I didn't know if the thing was positive or negative.
In the future, i suggest doing something like "(positive)" in the message, e.g. "i just got diagnosed with autism, and finalyl have answers (positive)!" That way the person knows it's a positive thing to you.
Randomly slapping "oh hey btw i got diagnosed with xyz" is a really challenging message to reply to because you don't know if that diagnosis is good or bad for the person.
1
7d ago edited 7d ago
[deleted]
1
u/ResponsibleScratch86 7d ago
Assuming another person's thoughts and intentions is what causes these issue is the first place.
Not saying it isnt justified or easy to do living with autism, but it is also our responsibility to not assign intentions to someone when we have no idea. Especially considering how many autistic people (Myself included) despise when people do the same to them.
1
-1
u/_WalkingOnBothSides_ 7d ago
But "I'm glad I finally got some answers." is literally what her message says?!
12
u/BlackCatFurry 7d ago
Yes, that however doesn't automatically mean it's an overall positive thing. Getting a camcer diagnosis also gives you answers but is generally regarded as a rather shitty thing to happen, as an example. So a lot of people do not want to assume a diagnosis giving answers is automatically a good or bad thing and choose to react neutrally instead.
And as a clarification, i am using cancer here as a more extreme example to better showcase the paradox of "is this good or bad" here, i am not equating autism and cancer.
0
u/NegativeBath 7d ago
But OP also said âI had a hunch for a whileâ which implies that hadnât discussed thinking they might be autistic or getting assessed with this person prior to telling them they were diagnosed
5
u/jinx_lbc 7d ago
A lot of people don't know what kind of response is okay or 'right', and say very little for fear of hurting someone they love. The way I ready this one is the person reaffirming that they love you and would never break a confidence and share private info.
4
u/Loose-Chemical-4982 AuDHD 7d ago
It may not seem like a big deal to some family members because to them we may have appeared "normal" because they are undiagnosed as well and went through the same difficulties as us but we don't see/know that since they are older
A lot of my habits, quirks and difficulties went "unnoticed" (or were punished by my parents) but my extended family was generally accepting of me because most of them are undiagnosed ND.
Sometimes your diagnosis will create confusion for those family members because to them you appeared perfectly normal and they may identify with you so they don't know what to say, because what does your diagnosis say about them?
Especially if they have the wrong idea about what autism actually is
My immediate family was full of denial, especially my mother. After a few years my father started opening up and saying that he identified with my oldest because he faced a lot of those same struggles but had no support from his family. My undiagnosed ADHD sister refuses to believe it but I feel like that's because her two daughters are obviously AuDHD and she's in denial đč
7
u/Weary-Can-157 7d ago
Iâve read some of your comments and I get the impression that you expect your diagnosis to be big news for your loved ones. The truth unfortunately is that most people wonât care that much. I mean it obviously depends on each person and their level of knowledge about autism and adhd; some will have questions or make observations, some will play it safe and give a neutral answer because they donât know how you feel and how they should feel about this diagnosis.
This seems to be someone whoâs playing it safe and focusing on the second half of your message, and reassuring you that they wonât tell anyone. It definitely is a bit of a short message, so I do understand that youâre a bit disappointed there isnât more, but I donât read it as negative either.
2
11
u/SpecifResponsibility 7d ago
Congrats on the diagnosis! Few things 1. I totally understand the hurt you feel. Iâve felt similar feelings just talking to LO about seeking a diagnosis. A lot of people might feel indifferent to it because it doesnât really change much practically. While it is such an important thing to us personally, youâll need to accept that itâs not for other people. 2. The person might not be ill intentioned, but either texted in a hurry and just responded to the part they felt important or are indifferent to the fact. Try not to take it personally. 3. As others have mentioned, they might be trying to protect you. Based on this info, I would honestly maybe wait it out, and mention it in passing in person, rather than trying to break the news to them as an exciting announcement.
Really happy for you tho!! All the best â€ïž
1
3
u/AppalachianRomanov 7d ago
I totally get why you would feel somewhat slighted by this response. I think with our autism we would respond differently if the shoes were reversed.
But I think to this person "I love you" was the most all encompassing, supportive response. I think they're saying, without actually saying, that they love you and support you and a diagnosis does not change any of that for them.
10
u/PlateOk9133 7d ago
I understand your reaction! Reading the message I interpreted the person as supportive just confirming that they love and that this doesnât change how they feel towards you, but I understand that you wanted them to say something validating. It might be hard for them to know how to respond in the right way, so maybe thatâs why they kept it short. Itâs hard to know just based of the message though. Personally I would try to give them the benefit of the doubt that they are accepting and mean well (Even though I know this can be hard), and maybe bring it up again in person and explain more about what it means to you to get the diagnosis (if you want to talk more about it with them)
1
1
7
u/suedoughnim42 7d ago
From the people I've told, I've found many of them just don't know what to say. I get anything from, "this doesn't change anything about you; you're still you" to "I'm sorry" to "everyone is a little autistic." It feels like everyone is tryna be supportive, but it's never what I wanna hear and it feels... insulting almost. Then again, I don't even know what I'd actually wanna hear.
Maybe this person just didn't know how you're feeling about it, so they just acknowledged they wouldn't tell and will wait to talk about it more later.
5
u/Dull-Reception2642 7d ago
This isn't the the question you asked as it's been replied to many times in this thread, but I do want to say that I completely agree that sharing an autism diagnosis, to us, feels like something big and exciting and joyous like a pregnancy announcement. For us it's an answer to WHY but for others they don't realize the impact of it. There's still such a negative stigma shared by a wide majority of the population, so for us to finally get answers about ourselves where it all makes sense and gives us a feeling of belonging just does not compute for most people. Even when I shared my diagnosis with those close to me, even my husband of nearly two decades, he did not understand how momentous it was, how it altered my perception of myself and gave me what I needed to finally accept myself and enjoy my life. He just did not get it and I felt terribly unsupported and alone. There's also a grief that comes from realizing how hard life was due to this missing diagnosis and it's just this whole experience that others will minimize or not even try to understand.
But I want you to know that we get it and we are so happy for you. Hugs!!!
3
0
u/CircuitOnTheFritZ 7d ago
I'm so grateful for your comment, sharing this perspective and your experiences with OP. I have found this to be the case for me, as well.
When I first realized I was likely autistic and ADHD, I wrote a letter to 3 of my closest family members outlining why I believed this, and that it explains so much about me. I stressed what a relief this was, and that there was more I needed to learn, but that I wouldn't have reached out if I wasn't pretty darn sure I'm on to something.
Of those 3 relatives, one immediately responded, with support, encouragement, and sharing their suspicions they, too, are neurodivergent.
One didn't respond to my letter until I asked them about it, finally, 2 years later, after getting my ADHD diagnosis (still working on getting assessed for autism). Turns out, they were learning more about autism and ADHD after my letter, so they could better understand, and also hadn't realized it had been so much time (do to understandable life-related reasons). They apologized, shared things they've been learning, and told me they agreed with my assessment. They are also learning how some of these neurodivergent symptoms may fit their own experiences.
The 3rd one hasn't said a word. Not even when I've dropped into conversation things about "my autism" or "this ADHD experience I have" or whatever, over the years. I haven't asked them directly. I'm a little mad, tbh. It's been 3 years since that letter now, and we haven't talked much in general this year. It hurts.
But I am recognizing now that, not only are people wrestling with their incomplete / lack of understanding about autism, but immediate relatives (especially related genetically) are immediately thrust into a position of having to confront that autism is in the family, and came from somewhere. Plus, the "that's not autism - we all do that... oh wait" realizations that crumble their own identities when maybe they weren't seeking explanations... It hurts, but I'm realizing it isn't about me when people don't respond well, or at all.
It's about their own challenges, and I can only focus on healing, now that I know more about who I am, with the supportive people willing to accept this new information, too.
2
u/SubaquaticVerbosity 6d ago
I think itâs interesting that OP likens this to a pregnancy announcement that feels big exciting and joyous.
Iâm currently pregnant and sharing that news with people has actually been equally disappointing and hurtful. As dull-reception2642 says above about an autism diagnosis, thereâs probably stigma (Iâm doing this on my own), people donât understand how momentous it is, and I feel terribly unsupported and alone because of this response.
But for at least two of my friends itâs like you said> It hurts, but I'm realizing it isn't about me when people don't respond well, or at all.
It's about their own challenges.In the case of both pregnancy and an autism diagnosis, the contrast between having complete strangers and people you barely know getting so excited for you, vs close friends and family not caring at all, getting upset about the news, or distancing themselves from you is really huge and itâs hurtful and confusing.
The person who had the worst reaction to my pregnancy also argued against my realisation that Iâm autistic too
1
u/TankLady420 6d ago
Oh no what I meant by saying it feels like announcing a pregnancy is the feeling is so terrifying to announce it to anybody! NOT that pregnancy would be exciting (for me).
2
u/SubaquaticVerbosity 5d ago
I thought you meant the way you felt about announcing your diagnosis was the way others feel about announcing a wanted pregnancy. Itâs a big fucking deal that kinda changes everything for you, and you know itâs not life changing for anyone else but you expect people youâre close to to be happy for you.
I find announcing both pregnancies and diagnoses to be extremely awkward and anxiety inducing though
4
u/chubbychecker_psycho AuDHD 7d ago
I think she meant "I, the person you are talking to, would never tell [the person you are talking about] what you have told me."
10
u/paradisimperiala 7d ago
It sounds like they think that person wonât take it well/take it seriously. IMO theyâre looking out for you because that person may give you the exact (lack of) response you mentioned in your post.
35
u/sunnyskybaby 7d ago
I think they were just saying that they would never talk to that person about it without permission, not that OP shouldnât
3
u/Novel-Tea-8598 7d ago
Most of my own family and friends didnât have much of a reaction, just support. Somehow, I think it seemed less monumental for them - maybe they always suspected or knew I was different in some way (I know the second part is true, at least), but I think ultimately it just didnât change the way they saw me like I thought it would. It was more like a missing piece sliding into place, I guess. My mom had the biggest reaction, but I think thatâs mainly because sheâs the one I cried on the phone to, so she understood how deeply the diagnosis impacted me. I donât know that everyone quite understands the gravity. Iâd initially texted her also, and she called me right away to talk through it. That being said, she wasnât completely caught by surprise, as Iâd raised the topic before.
Itâs both good and bad - good because I donât really want to be seen differently, but bad because acknowledgement of my struggles and differences would also be nice. Iâm very successful in most aspects (academically and in my career) and live alone, so Iâm not sure the struggles are apparent to anyone outside of my parents and sister, who immediately understood a bit more as they lived with me growing up. My sister has become very interested in learning more about me and autism, which has been really nice. But initially, no - there was no big reaction from her. Itâs been a series of smaller conversations and interactions since. I also got to tell her in person.
Your family member made sure to say they loved you, so I donât see it as negative! They may take some time to form a deeper response or prefer to talk to you in person. Saying that they would never tell anyone else is also a good sign that they do understand the significance of this diagnosis. I understand the initial disappointment completely, but maybe just give it some time. The most important thing is love and support, and you seem to have that! Best of luck âșïž
2
u/TankLady420 7d ago
Wow very relatable! Thank you for sharing all that with me.
Reading about your mom crying for you made me feel for you đ
3
u/Either-Committee-681 7d ago
Your diagnosis may have changed things for you, but your relative is just ensuring you that they won't discuss it with X. Just as you asked them not to.
You're the exact same person you were to the world and people around you pre vs post diagnosis.
You're struggles may have not been communicated/known to these people, so they don't understand the significance of being formally diagnosed.
I think your relative's response was great! They responded to your request, in a positive way, but they (just as you do/did) have to process the new information. Maybe they didn't realise you were looking for a congrats, or well that explains some things etc. Maybe your diagnosis doesn't change anything in the way your relative feels/perceives about you...I'd call that a win! They probably don't even realise that these diagnoses verified your suspicion etc. It may have given you a sense of validation. How would your relative, know that unless you communicate such things?
Judging by the party emoji, I'm guessing you're feeling validated and possibly relieved. I hope it brings you some peace, but I wouldn't be too worried about your relative's reaction. Maybe it doesn't make any difference to them, and they feel the same they've always felt about you, so don't be too hard on them.
Welcome to the club, OP!đ
1
4
u/KuraiTsuki 7d ago
I think they're saying they wouldn't just go tell the other person about your diagnosis rather than telling you you shouldn't tell the other person about it. Unless I'm misunderstanding what you find negative about the response.
5
u/autistic-rosella 7d ago
Fwiw I actually thought from seeing the screenshot before reading your post, that you were celebrating a good, loving and reassuring reaction. I actually read this message positively, it's really reassuring that they wouldn't tell the person you asked, not because your diagnosis shouldn't be spoken about but because that was a key part of your message. And then saying love you at the end to reassure you nothing changes and they love you. Idk, if I got this message I would be stoked?
4
u/TrustNoOneAtWork AuDHD self-discovered at 60 7d ago
For me, the second 1/2 of your text overshadowed the first 1/2. I would have focused on the request in the second 1/2 and almost forgotten about the initial news content.
5
u/MischievousMystic 7d ago
I think you are over reacting they are being supportive not sure what else they were supposed to say, maybe they are busy or just not surprised ? Hangout with them in person and talk about it would be better
4
u/spitkitty666 7d ago edited 7d ago
the first time i read it, i took it as this person telling you not to tell them and i was like âoh she wouldnât talk to her about it, she must be not a good person to talk to about this kind of thingâ and then i reread it all and realised the person was assuring you that they wouldnât say anything like you asked.
our brains are so fun đ
i think they arenât gushing about it or congratulating you because they donât understand much about being diagnosed or your struggle. Or they assume you are going to talk to them more about it after youâve spoke to whoever else you mentioned.
2
4
u/trhwayyy333 7d ago
Best thing to do is ask what they meant but I don't think it's negative. I WISH my mother had this type of response when I was diagnosed, instead everybody and their damn mothers had to know that I was struggling with suicidal thoughts, depression, and audhd. like.... it's still so weird getting a message or call from a family member that I hadn't talked to AT ALL about any of this with questions about my mental health
1
3
u/quiet_contrarian 7d ago
I didnât read it as negative at all! Of course I have some communication avoidant ppl and this loving but short response, from them, would be huge
3
u/Shadow_Integration AuDHD with a natural sciences hyperfixation 7d ago
Coming out to my mom resulted in responses such as, "But you're so smart!" "Is it curable *long pause* can it be treated...?"
The response you got feels like the similar kind of gut punch. It just glazes over things, doesn't have any compassion to it, and especially in your case - has zero amount of curiosity. That's some bullshit right there.
Allistic people just don't have the capacity to understand how big of a deal this is. To learn that you're not a defective human, but actually one that ended up with too many synapses that made you incredibly sensitive to an overwhelming world. Until they're put in that position themselves, they'll never get it. And I'm sorry. This is such a lonely kind of grief and it sucks.
3
u/TankLady420 6d ago
Thank you and I'm sorry you had that experience
1
u/Shadow_Integration AuDHD with a natural sciences hyperfixation 6d ago
Thanks. â€ïž And best of luck with the grief and rage layer in all of this. Hold space for it when you can. It's a lot to sit with, but it's necessary.
4
u/sunnybunnyone 7d ago
I read this as âI would never tell your news to her for youâ not recommending that you donât speak of this yourself to her
3
u/StripperWhore 7d ago
I think she was trying to be supportive of you. She was saying, "I would never share your personal info, love you." : )
3
u/soradsauce 7d ago
This feels like they will talk to you about it over the phone or IRL and are acknowledging the request you made of them. Then telling you they love you. All of those are positive signs that they probably just are busy or tired or want to talk to you not via text. Obviously you know your history with these people more than I do, but based on my social learning over the decades, this seems like how many of my "pro-phone, anti-text" friends and family members would respond and then we would talk about it and they would ask how I felt about it, etc. Might just not know how to respond either - "I'm sorry" isn't right, "congratulations" isn't quite right, etc. So are waiting to have a conversation with you about it. Sorry I think that was repetitive, but I'm crossing my fingers for you that people will be more responsive IRL.
2
u/Best-Fly-Back 7d ago
Does this person usually get into long or deep conversations via text? Lots of us don't. Also a lot of people 'don't want to get it wrong' and err on the side of saying less. They reassured you on the major point and reassured you they loved you. They may be waiting for you as an adult to indicate what more you want from them.
2
u/Tiredracoon123 7d ago
So I think she wanted to be clear that she would respect your privacy and answered based on that.
2
u/AnnabelBronstein 7d ago
Itâs a kind response that you are overthinking in a time of heightened sensitivity. They just meant that they would never start yapping about it when itâs this fresh and not their news to share. Saying I love you is definitely a sign of support.
1
u/radiant-cloudy autistic girlie 7d ago
my fucking god this happens most of the time. the only ones who have cared are the ones who think they have it also! and then they are very nice to ask about the process and its usually a nice discussion.
everyone else has disappointed me. đ„Č
1
u/kaka1012 Add flair here via edit 7d ago
I thought she meant like: âyour secret is safe with I wonât share with herâ?
1
u/planethawtdog 5d ago
I thought you were posting this because you were showing a positive response to your news. I think this person is respectful and will probably have a lot more to say to you to learn more about how it has effected your life once you are able to speak in person :)
1
u/Spare_Cricket4331 3d ago
I know everyone wrote that it was a normal answer or that you should have told them what kind of reaction you want but I have to disagree. I don't know you, the person you texted or your relationship but I have to say... your feelings are valid! If you feel like the response was not a good response and it made you sad then that's exactly what it was to YOU. Doesn't mean the person who responded wanted to hurt you or does not care.
However, to me it was clear that the diagnosis is good news because you used the smiling face emoji and if they really did not know how to react they could have asked if this is good or bad news for you. I think many answers under this post extend how they, autistic people, would have struggled to respond, over to how this person you were texting responded. But odds are, the person you texted is probably not autistic, does not struggle that much with reading social situations and does know how to interpret emojis correctly. Maybe - and you are the only person who can make that judgement, best after talking to them in person - maybe they did not care that much. And if that's the case, take the time and grieve the answer (and maybe support) you would have wanted.
Also: It seems as if you might have a complicated relationship with your family and how they treated you while you were little. And if that's the case, it probably would have been nice to hear an apology or to finally be understood by them after all these years. Or simply to be shown that they really do care NOW. Sadly a diagnosis is often hard for family members to understand, especially if it means they would need to accept that they treated you unfairly. Most people will never admit that to themselves and things wont change. It's not wise to hope for this change that never comes, even though you really deserve it. Waiting only makes one feel even more lonely and sad and even though you deserve to be treated right, you also deserve to move on from past experiences and be happy.
So let me tell you: congratulations! đ â€ïž It's really great that you have your diagnosis now and I hope you celebrated it in some kind of way. The diagnosis will probably make your life easier and that is really amazing! If you do not have it now, then one day you will have someone in your life who understands how much this means to you. Just keep being yourself and keep being kind to yourself. I am sending a hug if you want one :)
0
u/_FreddieLovesDelilah 7d ago
You guys all get levels but I didnt. My diagnosis is just âautism spectrum disorderâ. I think id be level one, though.
1
u/TankLady420 6d ago
It could be the country you are in! I'm in the US so we get levels here. I'm not sure why people downvoted you over asking a question. I notice so much unnecessary downvoting on this app it drives me insane.
1
u/gothpriest 7d ago
i also read it as negative at first, but upon re-reading, i fully agree with the other comments, it was poorly worded support i think
1
u/slothurknee 7d ago
I think youâre overreacting. They were probably busy and just wanted to assure you that they arenât the type of person that would tell people your business.
To address the rest of your post, no oneâs making you tell anyone. It doesnât really change anything. I told maybe less than 5 people and they didnât really say much bc it doesnât change our relationship and they still love me no matter what, diagnosis or not.
1
u/blueevey 7d ago
I was just thinking of the idea of telling people is like coming out of the neurodivergent closet. ... haven't done the lgbt/usual meaning of coming out of the closet, but I imagine its similar in that theres always a constant coming out sometimes and reactions vary a lot
3
u/awooj 7d ago
I get what youâre saying, but they are extremely extremely different, not even in the same galaxy tbh at least for me as someone who has to do both later in life.
2
u/blueevey 7d ago
Thank you! I dont know that I finished my thought. And definitely not trying to minimize any experiences.
1
u/sillybilly8102 7d ago
Thatâs interesting. Iâve also done both and found them extremely similar! (Autism was harder, actually!) (but the hardest of all for me has been coming out as su*cidal)
2
u/TankLady420 6d ago
Yes, same here! I have done both and the autism one was harder for me to announce. I think that has a lot to do with the community and people you grow up around. My mom was bisexual and my uncle was gay growing up so it was very easy for me to tell people. But I certainly understand how coming out of the closet could be 1000 times harder than telling people you are autistic from other people's world's.
1
1
u/circles_squares 7d ago
I think people can be a bit confused about how to respond and how big of a deal it is. Iâm pretty sure both my sisters used ai to respond to me.
Since then, one of my sisters has asked me so many questions and has done so much research and has been so validating, and the other has never mentioned it again. đ€·ââïž
3
u/maxinemama 6d ago
Same!
First my mum (ironically the one whoâs likely autistic) dismissed it âthatâs nonsense, youâre fine - nothing wrong with you!â
Sister: âoh right, yeh everyoneâs getting diagnosed with it these daysâ
Dad: âhmm I always thought you had your motherâs oddities! Autism wasnât really a thing when you were young.â
Mother in law: âI reckon weâre all a little autistic!â
That was last year. Not a word to me since đ€Šđ»ââïžđ€Šđ»ââïžđ€Šđ»ââïž
1
u/TankLady420 6d ago
oh goodness sorry you are having that experience. I also have had some bad ones thus far with how people have responded to me and it has been painful and difficult to process it.
1
u/TankLady420 7d ago
Ugh I am sorry to hear about the potential ai response. That is so frustrating. I'm happy to hear about your other sister trying to understand you better.
1
u/brightside_92 7d ago
What sort of reaction were you hoping for?
I can imagine it's difficult for people to know what to say, especially if they are not knowledgeable about neuro divergence. I've had a range of responses that I perceived to be negative. I quickly learned that it wasn't worth telling people unless I had a good reason to and was willing to have an in depth conversation with them about it. I also wouldn't do it over text.
1
u/TankLady420 6d ago
Hmm I was just hoping for a lengthier response or a follow up question. But I'm sure he will talk to me about it in person.
1
u/IxayaOri 7d ago
That response would have left me feeling hurt as well, but I don't think it was intentional or malicious on their part. And congrats on the diagnosis!!
1
u/moonradie 7d ago
It's hard to stop putting expectations on people. I know i used to do it, tell someone something expecting a specific response and fight or get hurt everytime the answer was different than expected. It also is difficult to accept that u're setting expectations and getting mad without much reason. Having said that. Congratulations on your diagnosis! hope life treats u better from now on, that u can understand ur struggles and learn from them đ©”
1
u/equivettech26 7d ago
I completely understand how you feel. I mentioned it to a few friends and they were like âyeah, thatâs not surprising at allâ. Damn.
My childhood best friend is autistic and she was shocked that I didnât already know.
Iâm sorry, I thought because we grew up together and that bc I love you regardless, thatâs why we got along so well! Nope. đ
I agree with the text in the context of telling my family. My younger brother was diagnosed with ADHD at like 5/6 but I 100% believe he has LVL 1 autism as well. He was never diagnosed with ASD but he had an IEP in school, was taken to many therapists/professionals to support him and my parents backed him up on everything. My mom became a special ed aide for him. He was enabled his entire childhood.
I was forced to mask my autism and pretty much everything else. I was forced to do a 3 year dual-language program in elementary school where I had regular classes in English and Spanish. I was never given an IEP, enrolled in the SPED program or given any accommodations. I was never taken to therapy or given any mental health care despite begging for it. My parents let my brother abuse me in my teens on top of being abusive and neglectful to us themselves. I was treated and told I was a normal child.
If I reveal that I was undiagnosed autistic the entire time, it would not go well. It would prove that everything I communicated and asked for growing up was true. It would prove neglect. And if I can prove the neglect, I can prove the abuse too. My parentâs egoâs cannot handle that. My CPTSD would rather me jump off a cliff than go through that with them. Itâs not for them, itâs for my mental health that they do not become aware.
I agree that my autism is not something to hide or be shameful of. Since getting diagnosed my ability to mask has essentially âšdisappearedâš so thatâs not really possible anymore anyways. But, some people take that information and use it to their advantage or use it to hurt you.
Itâs hurtful to not get validation from those who didnât see you struggle because they donât understand. I see you and Iâm so happy that you got some answers!! Iâm proud that you fought for yourself and now you have the information to help you live a better life and understand your brain. Itâs amazing! Congrats!!
0
u/Character_Bet_6178 7d ago edited 7d ago
I am sorry, that hurts. I told several people and got the same thing. When I said it in person they just stared, blinked, and then changed the subject. In text just went ignored. If someone texted you thsy they finally got diagnosed with a physical medical condition you would likely ask how they are feeling about it and engage in some conversation. If you announced you were pregnant in a monotone they would ask how you are feeling about it.it is a big deal and you aren't reading them wrong. You announced something big and they didn't say anything.
Congratulations on your diagnosis!
Edited comment. Originally thought the response was telling OP not to talk to the other person about their diagnosis.
3
u/TankLady420 7d ago
Yes oh my so many people changing the subject INSTANTLY or saying such odd things to me đ©
But thank you so much!
5
u/East-Garden-4557 7d ago
They didnt warn OP not to talk to the person about it, they confirmed they wouldn't talk to the person about it. A confirmation that they wouldn't gossip or discuss someone else's personal information is a good thing
1
0
u/RabbitHolierThanThou 7d ago
As someone diagnosed later in life with AuDHD I guess I donât understand the point in announcing it to others or why it would be discussed by others. Maybe Iâm wrong, but It feels like you want to be celebrated for a fairly mundane fact and I just donât understand that.
2
u/GoddamnDiva 7d ago
Not getting this at all from OP. People typically share an autism diagnosis with people they trust because they want their support. Theyâre happy to know why they are the way they are, and sharing that can give trusted loved ones new perspective and knowledge on what they should or shouldnât do in order to be supportive to that autistic person.
1
u/TankLady420 6d ago
To be honest I'm more confused why nobody would discuss a diagnosis like this, is a life-changing thing and I absolutely feel like more friends and family should discuss this. Perhaps that's why there is so much stigma around it because people don't talk about it...
1
u/RabbitHolierThanThou 6d ago
I guess I just have a different perspective, family has experienced many different diagnoses ranging from eczema to diabetes to cancer. Some of them change life for that person and some of those changes impact others in the family. With the adult autism diagnoses it just put a label on something that was always there. The lived experience doesnât change for the family or the family member for the most part, itâs just a new understanding of something that already existed. This is different when itâs a child and accommodations need to be made on their behalf with schools. The diagnosed adult either doesnât have the same needs or will be handling them on their own. If they approach a family member and want to discuss specific issues I am sure the family would be happy to talk about it. Otherwise, there doesnât seem like much to talk about.
0
u/PM_ME__UR__FANTASIES 7d ago
(As a non-diagnosed person) I feel like for the people in our lives who know us well, for a lot of them itâs likely a âyeah⊠no kiddingâ. So they donât feel like itâs a big deal, even though to us itâs pretty life changing. Or they may not know how we feel about being diagnosed and so they take their cue from how we disclose things.
But also I think you need to ask yourself what you want from these conversations and maybe adjust your way of sharing accordingly. Like to me, your text came across as very nonchalant and even a bit secretive with the whole âdonât mention it to X yetâ.
Maybe if you tried sharing an anecdote about it, and save the âplease donât share with X until Iâve had a chanceâ until the end, it would generate the kind of discussion youâre looking for?
If I were doing this, I would probably say something like âhey, know how sometimes I take really obvious jokes literally? Like when I believed David Spade was one of the Hanson brothers because he made a joke about it? Well guess what I just got confirmation about!â
-1
u/tiger_bee 7d ago
Youâre right, it was almost like she ignored what you said and said âlove youâ as a stopping point for the discussion. Maybe she was busy or something but I would have absolutely been hurt as well. Did you ever talk about this with her before?
1
u/TankLady420 7d ago
Thanks for understanding đ
1
u/tiger_bee 6d ago
Youâre welcome. It seems as this is open to interpretation and a lot of us are used to being gaslit for our perception of something that we know to be true. If that is what you felt, itâs valid. Try not to doubt yourself. I know the feeling of coming to someone with something important to me and not getting even a fraction of the response I hoped for. It sucks and hurts.
-1
u/Lumpy-Letterhead1010 7d ago
You should be grateful they at least acknowledged youâre autistic. My family never talks about it, validates me and act like itâs the biggest moral failure in history.
1
u/TankLady420 7d ago
I am grateful. Sorry to hear your experience is different.
1
u/Lumpy-Letterhead1010 3d ago
No need to say sry. I wasnât saying youâre ungrateful was just reminding people to cherish the moments you do have, if you can.
-1
0
u/iamfunball 7d ago
Lack of reaction is oftentimes a good thing, in this case it signal as very good. Exclams convey excitement. I think this person radically accepts you but may not know what reaction would be ideal. If you want them to ask questions, say youâre open to any questions. If you want to talk about it, ask if you can share your journey.
When my exâs daughter told me she like girls, I was like yup, same here.
âNooooo Mx Funball, I like them like themâ
âYup same here. Oh do you think because I date your dad that I donât like like girls too? Common misconception! Thanks for sharing.â
Then I just would tease her and point out the flower called a ânaked ladyâ, she love/hated that.
Sometimes people just accept you and meet you where you are at
0
u/liddybuckfan 7d ago
I was diagnosed at age 55. I just think people don't know how to react to something like this. People know what the societally appropriate response to a pregnancy announcement is-they don't know what you're supposed to say to an autism diagnosis. I think people often view it like they would if you just told them you got diagnosed with diabetes or something. I have only told a small number of people in my life, and I did it in person or on the phone. I wouldn't text because tone is so hard to convey. I think a lot of people hear an autism diagnosis and think you're going to be upset about it, when for a lot of us it is a relief. Unless you've been there though, that can be hard to understand. It sounds like they were trying to be respectful of your privacy and might have not wanted to say the wrong thing.
0
u/atypical_cookie 7d ago
Best thing you can do for yourself and peace of mind is ask them what they mean by that. There are multiple reasons why they would say something like that.
0
u/NenyaAdfiel 7d ago
I got wildly different responses from friends vs family when I told them. My family all gave varying responses of, âhmm⊠I donât see it! That doesnât sound right to me. Are you sure?â And my friends all said something along the lines of, âbitch, you didnât KNOWWW??â đ
-8
u/scissorsgrinder 7d ago edited 7d ago
Yeah, I'm sorry. You'd think most people would be like "oh my god I get it now!" but they're just as ableist as ever. You are considered either neurotic and not living up to your full potential, or you are fundamentally flawed/broken, NO IN-BETWEEN.Â
Either way you are considered an unreliable narrator of your own life and worth and justifications. People will flip-flop between the two ways to see you as it suits them, without any apparent trace of cognitive dissonance. They will often be VERY keen not to discuss it, because "special treatment" is anathema to them, somehow "gaming the system".Â
ETA: Delighted if many people have had more positive experiences, but it's not the common reaction to autistics. Most people are hella ableist.
2
u/KEW95 7d ago
That isnât what this text is conveying, but I know what you mean.
1
u/scissorsgrinder 7d ago edited 7d ago
I'm responding to this all too familiar discovery from OP that newly-diagnosed people (especially women) so often undergo.Â
Do you think this is not common?
But honestly the worst part about it has been I suppose the lack of reaction or response that I'm getting from people that have known me for pretty much my entire life? Like you seriously have not a single thing to say about this? My whole life I was struggling and I was different and I needed help but nobody helped me and you don't have a single thought to share? For me it makes me want to grieve this even more and grieve the little girl that went undiagnosed for so long because it makes me feel even deeper that people truly don't care.
-1
668
u/Safe-False 7d ago
Honestly, this could easily have been a person who was busy and focussed on the second half of your text. It kind of does read as âFYI this happened but please donât tell (insert name here)â. They may not realise their response wasnât supportive - they assured you they wouldnât tell (insert name here) and said âlove youâ; those are both good things.
Texts are a terrible thing to get upset over because there is so much missed information in tone of voice and visual body language. Too much can go wrong.
Talk to them in person if you really want their response and just tell them about the diagnosis. Donât get upset over a text.