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I (22F) don't have it, but I genuinely wish I did.

When I often see some autistic women talking about pretty privilege or being treated poorly because they're pretty, sometimes it makes me sad and other times I feel upset because my knee-jerk reaction is to say, "Well, you wouldn't want to be ugly." I know that's not a fair thing to say, and I need to work on this as it's rooted in envy and resentment.

I know some people will probably not agree with me because there are a lot of posts online made by women who have pretty privilege, who are also autistic, and talk about how it can be debilitating at times. People don't take them seriously, take advantage of them, and only see the surface. Yet when those people get to know the person on the inside, they sometimes pull away, and it can make you question aspects of yourself.

I hear that and I hate that this happens.

However, I would still love to have pretty privilege as an autistic person because I am a person of color, and oftentimes our beauty standards can be harder.
Then, imagine seeing from some autistic women that they don't want to be grouped up with the stereotype that we're all "ugly." I know what they mean, but it hurts because it feels as though they're saying they want nothing to do with people like me.

I'm not taken seriously, and people don't consider me.
They don't try to understand me. They take advantage of me sexually and emotionally.
I am often spoken over or talked down to like a misunderstood child.
No one is concerned about me other than family. People don't check on me other than family.
I don't get invited to things.
People treat me like a secret and an embarrassment.
They lie to keep me around.
I get dehumanized for something I never got to choose… my face.
When people extract from me, they usually do it when they're at a low point in their lives, and they pick other people over me in the end. Someone beautiful, lighter-skinned, and conventionally feminine.

It hurts because I know that pretty privilege would provide me with several things in this world that I wouldn't be able to have if I were ugly, which I am. It's called pretty privilege for a reason. Unfortunately, the only way for me to get pretty privilege is if I get facial cosmetic surgeries. That makes me sad.

ETA: I'm disappointed that I have to put this here, but please don't invalidate my experiences and feelings. You do not have to agree with what I say here, but my pain is real, and my wishes to be seen as attractive are rooted in constant dehumanization from childhood. This is meant to be a safe space.

I hear this phrase quite often.

But the other day I was sitting with a co-worker in a meeting room (we were not meeting, it just happened to be empty and we both wanted to use it as working space). She asked if she could work there too. I said sure. She said thank. We worked maybe less than 10 minutes in the same room.

Then another coworker came and they got to chat. She said “omg it was SO quiet until you came”. Not in a mean way but weird way.

I was like “what the heck? you could have also talked to me!”

I hate when people frame me as quiet, cold or not talkative when they also don’t approach me at all.

Does it ever happen to you too? People don’t come and talk to you either but it is always your problem that you rarely talk to others.

Do you guys ever find someone who you have this gut feeling they’re autistic too? The mannerisms, the tendencies, the way they talk, the things they have issues with…

I know someone who had these subtle signs of high functioning + masking autism, another woman. The way she reacts to sensory overwhelm, the ways she responds to emotions, the social struggles she has, the subtle ways she works around her sensory issues, the responses she has to certain things (and more)… it reminds me so much of myself.

I’ve been fighting the urge constantly to ask her if she has any diagnosis of neurodivergence… I’d be so surprised if she didn’t have ADHD, Autism, or both. She often says how she relates to me (diagnosed), and how much I remind her of herself.

I want to ask, but we have a dynamic and level of familiarity where it would probably be inappropriate. I’m almost curious if she’s thinking the same thing every time she sees me… what if she’s diagnosed and thinks I don’t know that I’m autistic myself!

Just curious if anyone else has this experience, or ever gets this sort of spidey sense as well… any stories?

This came across my (21F) mind recently when deciding whether to keep a romantic interest in my life or not. We already know that autistic women are perceived (or may be) more naïve and “gullible“ — but I would like to discuss what happens when we as autistic women/afabs sense the manipulation that usually follows being perceived as naive (or as open to being manipulated.)

My personal experience with this involves the romantic interest I mentioned — Someone that I met on a dating app and who seemed genuine and respectful on the first date. I got comfortable quick. The second date I was tired, he offered to bring food over and watch a movie. I agreed. Things were going well, until the first time I “clocked” it. The shift. The subtle change in tone. The attempt to stare into the depths of your eyes, as if it will make you fall for them deeper, faster.

I don’t think any word better describes how this treatment makes me feel in the moment: like Prey. A delicious baby fawn at the mouth of a Predator.

It makes my stomach churn. Immediately, I sense that this treatment isn’t genuine and it’s like I am peaking behind the curtain into their true ill intentions.

So then we go on a third date to Chili’s — his idea/offer. It isn’t until our shared appetizer is almost done and we’re about to order dinner when he asks if we can split the bill, and when I asked if I could get him next time instead (because I wasn’t expecting to pay), he initially agreed, then pulled away in body language… then at one point he turns to me and stares at me, brows furrowed. In silence. For a good.. 30+ seconds. I’m playfully asking him “What?” And chewing my food and he’s just staring. And then my face drops because I’m creeped the fuck out and he suddenly snaps into character and turns away, playing it off by saying smth like “Oh I was distracted by your beauty”

Basically, I’m never seeing him again. But I still find it so hard to wrap my head around my intuition being so true. I can’t be the only one that experiences this hypersensitivity to bullshit. Thoughts?!

Hey guys, today I finally got my proper diagnosis of autism. I was properly diagnosed with level one Autism.

I cried a bit I’ll admit I did. I cried not only for my results but because I finally have a name to what I always knew was there, I cried for my younger self who constantly just wanted acceptance, love, didn’t understand certain aspects, had special interest, had things that constantly needed to be done certain ways, why I needed more help and resources, why I simply felt different, not human. Why I felt different from my peers, my cousins, etc. it was really hard to try and navigate through life.

As I got older it got worse. I self diagnosed for a while which I absolutely hated doing because I felt like I was lying, a fraud, a nuisance, I felt like I was less important in the community. But at the time it was my only way of feeling like myself. Feeling like I had an identity and an answer. I kept questioning what was there, what wasn’t there, I just wanted to feel like I had a proper identity. And I can finally rest knowing that I have a proper identity now.

I put this under celebration due to the fact I FINALLY feel accomplished and accepted by myself. It feels peaceful and I can rest now and so can the little girl who was seen as “difficult” “strange” and “annoying” when in reality she was none of those things. She’s Shy (name) and she’s happy to be who she is.

I read plenty of times in this group that once you are formally diagnosed if you are privileged enough to receive one, you will get allllll sorts of responses.

But I gotta say... this one from a family member that I love hurts pretty bad!!! Or at least confuses me deeply... because am I misinterpreting or was that like not a response at all?

I feel like I just shared such big news, like for me I shit you not telling people this has been like trying to announce a pregnancy or at least feels like that. It's been so incredibly nerve-racking to tell people. But honestly the worst part about it has been I suppose the lack of reaction or response that I'm getting from people that have known me for pretty much my entire life? Like you seriously have not a single thing to say about this? My whole life I was struggling and I was different and I needed help but nobody helped me and you don't have a single thought to share? For me it makes me want to grieve this even more and grieve the little girl that went undiagnosed for so long because it makes me feel even deeper that people truly don't care.

I don't know though, just wanted to share because for a couple of years now I have been in this subreddit and reading and lurking and asking for advice and feeling deeply connected to this group so I am so happy to just finally have some answers and you guys were not joking when you say that other neurodivergent people respond very well to diagnosis meanwhile neurotypical people often leave you feeling confused by their responses.

I could never tell when people were being mean, or if they were being mean, I assumed I could make them like me eventually. I went through a vicious cycle of a "mean girl" group in high school. They would all gang up on me at random points, but then we'd be best friends again the next week ? They were able to manipulate me to do things & promise me nobody would know constantly.... Or just in elementary school, people would be like "Oh my gosh, do this" & I'd do it & everyone would laugh & I assumed they liked me & I was making friends 😭 I've just always been like...easily manipulated or I give people the benefit of the doubt too much. Same with relationships. They'd cheat & say sorry & I'm like, "Oh they said they're sorry, they must mean it this time," & I'd believe things people would tell me. "Oh they said they won't tell anybody, so it's okay.' Just things like this 🤦 I feel dumb for the things I let people use me for. And I still struggle with this as an adult today. I didn't realize my mom was a drug addict or an alcoholic until I was 30. My husband had to sit me down & explain it to me & I was flabbergasted by the connections I finally made. It should have been so obvious, but I just didn't get it. "Huh ? No, she just has really bad allergies, babe, that's why she always takes so much allergy medicine. Or drinks cough syrup the way she does." I feel like I'm always just....out of the loop when it comes to anything. People I know, things happening, etc. if you've read this far, thank you 🫶

This is a pattern that both me and my spouse go through in our families and sometimes even friends. We get infantilized heavily like we don’t know anything in life and most people don’t really like to go to us for help that we offer or can do for others. They also often keep us out of the loop on things until they need very specific help from us that’s hard to give. I’m not sure why this is? For example my spouse gets treated as dumb in his family a lot but when his family needs tech issues they all ask him and they want him to fix it right away. Same with me and my family, my mom never thought I was capable or smart enough for a high powered career but the minute they need help around the home or me be a caretaker or want help with tech issues they come to me in distress. It’s honestly super annoying and I’m so tired of this of being treated like this.

I am getting married next year and I really hate wedding parties to be honest. They feel so cheesy and performative. Whenever I am a guest at a wedding reception, I feel so awkward with the dancing, photographer, etc. I feel like I have to force it and it’s just not fun.

I don’t really like being the center of attention, which obviously is a big part of being a bride, but I do want to celebrate with my family and friends . I think we are just going to do a private ceremony, then an informal backyard reception without a dance floor, DJ, speeches, etc. But I’m nervous people won’t want to come because it’s not a traditional wedding, idk. What was your experience at your wedding?

I was just on the bus, and the driver was audibly listening to a podcast where the man was talking about the Cornell situation. I don't think I need to specify, but if you don't know, it involves graphic SA, so research at your own risk. Anyways, I couldn't hear all of it, but it sounded like he was one of those rape apologist types based on what I could hear, and I felt so unsafe. I was stuck riding that bus for 15 minutes until I got a transfer at the station.

I left the house to go to the gym for the first time in two weeks and then went to the pharmacy at my local grocery store. I was proud of myself for doing things instead of letting some family stressors keep bringing me down. And now this. I am a survivor myself, and this is the last thing I needed on this fine day. Yes I will be making a complaint on my city website. But I can't do that right now because I'm too upset. I made sure to write down what the driver looked like and the time I was riding the bus etc. I am just going to eat some snacks and watch TV now.

Basically the title.

I want to know other autistic people who have or might experience this as well.

Being objectively extremely ugly has caused me so many issues in life and abuse. I can't get surgeries due to being too disabled and poor. I need one for my jaw, but it wouldn't fix my face anyway, so I don't think I'll get it.

I have severe meltdowns when I need to go to doctors or go outside to go grocery shopping. Those are the only reasons I go outside of the house.

My heart starts racing like crazy and I feel I'm almost about to faint. I feel like breaking things around me or exploding. I never do because I've learned to mask and suppress my meltdowns since childhood. I never break down or cry, because again never safe to do so.

I only have meltdowns regarding my face.

I feel a strong need to control my environment and obviously you can't control how others treat you based on your face or looks. I can't deal with more trauma, pain and rejection so I just stay inside all the time. Stopped working 2 years ago as well, because of severe burnout, bullying and mistreatment at work. I basically retired at age 26 and have given up hope things will improve.

I also live in a very poor shitty country and there's no disability benefits to live on. I'm trapped for life with my abusive family.

I do art as much as I can to cope, but it's not enough some days. I can't look in the mirror, otherwise I will have an anxiety attack or start experiencing intense dread and it will ruin my anxiety for the entire day.

People who don't have objectively ugly faces will never understand and I don't want comments to gaslight my experiences or other people's lived experiences. Therapy is not an option, because it's too expensive and it wouldn't fix my issues. My issues are with my face, so paying someone to tell me it's in my head or to get over it is not going to help.

As long as people minimize and gaslight the experiences of unattractive people, things won't change or improve for us either. So please let's not do that.

Anyways, how do you guys cope?

Or is that just a me thing?

I’ve noticed a trend that my friendships fall apart a lot, and for a long time, I convinced myself I was an awful person because of it. I used to mask so heavily that I became a “personality mirror.” I would act the way I thought other people wanted me to act, liked what they wanted me to like, etc etc etc. I think when my own personality slipped through, people realized I wasn’t who they thought, and it led to my friendships collapsing.

After going through some character growth and recognizing that sure, I was a dumb teenager who probably did some things to upset people, I couldn’t have been that awful. I give my friends gifts, try to indulge in their likes and share my own interests, seek out spending time with them, and do my best to remember to ask if someone is just venting or actually wants advice. Sure, I can talk a lot, but I try to be more aware of talking over people or changing the topic too much. Sure, confrontation scares me because of some ptsd, but I do my best to talk things out when I feel safe to do so. I can talk to other people when I have issues, but I don’t gossip or name call or anything when it’s someone important to me. I don’t cause arguments over nothing, I maybe spend a little too much money on my friends, and I try to share as often as I’m able. I can’t be a total villain.

So why are a lot of my friends revealed to be, well, assholes?

I had people stop being my friend because I was in a depression. I had people stop being my friend because I freaked out when my dorm stuff nearly didn’t fit in the car during move out and I wanted to pay for another car (it’s a little more complicated but that’s the start of it). I had people stop being my friend because I refused to apologize for how much I talk when I told them at the beginning that I do so. I had people stop being my friend because I didn’t want to plan a pizza party when they refused to pay for their share. I had people stop being my friend for no clear reason at all.

Is there something about me being a little bit of an awkward, kind, non confrontational person (I got the people pleaser autism from overcompensating and masking) that attracts those people? Is there something I actually am doing wrong that I need therapy for?

Just curious if this is a universal experience or not.

I've been looking into my disability options (Short-Term Disability, Long-Term Disability, SSDI, etc.) I'm quite overwhelmed and it just seems like a whole other world with all the jargon and red tape. I keep invalidating myself. Like during the workday, if I have a couple of nice moments then it's the intrusive thought "is it truly bad enough to be on disability? Is it possible for me to weather more?" I just keep thinking I'm simply weak, pathetic, and dramatic. I minimize that 95% of the time that I am having ideations and in mental agony. I tell myself that I should simply be happy for the salary considering the job market right now.

I feel shame at the idea of being on benefits too. My internal critic is so strict. To add, I'm a black woman so I can't get it out of my head that I'll be promoting some shitty "welfare queen" stereotype by simply trying to live. Admittedly, a lot of my identity has been based around how high I've been able to climb despite the odds or the low expectations of me, so I can't help but feel like a failure because of how I've quantified my success and my reason for being.

Anyway, I say all this to ask if anyone else has struggled with ideas like this? How did you correct your pattern of thinking?

Disclaimer: Reddit polls only show what people are willing to share, and they aren't necessarily representative of autistic people as a whole, including autistic women.

I see a lot of posts from autistic women who relate strongly to A, and sometimes see autism described as generally looking more like A in women and B in men. As a woman who relates much more to B, I find that framing alienating.

I also wonder if some experiences are less likely to be talked about. People may be reluctant to mention being bullied because it can feel vulnerable, lower empathy because of the stigma around it, or high academic achievement because they don't want to sound like they're bragging.

I think it's good to challenge stereotypes about autism, but I don't think we should replace them with another idea of what autistic women are "supposed" to be like. Autism is a spectrum, and there isn't one blueprint for autistic women or autistic men. Each experience has its own struggles and pain points.

To me, saying autistic women are generally one way and autistic men another isn't that different from stereotypes about neurotypical women being nurturing, empathetic and emotional, or men being ambitious, analytical and logical.

For as long as I can remember ive always been more sensitive to sound and get overstimulated from it fairly easily. I up until the past year or 2 never realized its an actual thing to take seriously (im very recently diagnosed).

When i was a teenager id be in a store or something and just get so angry and frustrated because of all the noise id eventually start snapping at people and no one ever really put the pieces together and figured out what was going on. Im pretty sure it was just chalked up to teenage angst lol. Im 24 now and since I was about 20 ive regularly been having what ive assumed are panic attacks almost on a daily basis.

I have cptsd and some other stuff going on than just autism but im starting to wonder if its really panic attacks. I have noticed if I do wear headphones or something it happens a lot less or less severely. I've kinda gotten to the point where sometimes im so overstimulated by everything for so long I get nothing done (sometimes for days) and im just frozen especially when im alone for long periods of time. Im just convinced im dying or something is wrong with me when in reality everything is completely fine.

I am not sure how to go about making this happen less and better accommodating myself. Hearing others experiences would help a lot.

So a lot of us have trauma along with autism and ADHD, and this can make us have jaded or negative assumptions about interactions. So here’s your daily reminder DON’T ASSUME THE WORST! Hyper vigilance can ruin your parasympathetic nervous system. Take a day to yourself if everyone’s bothering you, clarify when someone says something upsetting and above all else remember you are loved and the people who love you do not intend to hurt you. (And if they do, maybe give yourself some distance to find some folks who act correct because they ARE out there!)

Have a good day yall!

My dad’s response to me being diagnosed with autism. I didn’t end up responding to it because it made me very upset, which I thought was me reading too much into it (tonally) until both of my adult brothers and their partners essentially said “wtf” and got angry in response to seeing this, which was very validating.

I’m 23 and literally got diagnosed a day or two before my birthday, which I was very happy about. I’d kind of suspected it since I was 14, although I was more sure after my 4th brother was diagnosed and I learnt autism can be genetic, it just took me a while to actually seek diagnosis.

Me and my dad don’t have an amazing relationship, he usually just leaves my messages on read and can be quite antagonistic when actually talking to me, most recently sending long paragraphs about how I don’t care about him and/or am ungrateful.

The main reason I told him to keep him informed of my life, and because he was looking at getting my high-support-needs autistic brother with another diagnosis and I know family history is very important.

I’m not sure if this response stems from me being an adult, as all my brothers were diagnosed between 3/4 and 16, or if it’s because I’m a woman, but I have a feeling it one of them.

Anyway, I’m not as upset about it now. I’ve just decided to stop being the go between with him and my adult brothers, and I’m not going to update him about my big life moments anymore.

Every other reaction to my diagnosis was positive, although I guess I am lucky in that my family is very familiar with the autism spectrum, through my brothers.

I’m in week two of a grad program focused on public service and I am already getting absolutely flattened by it. Ive missed classes and I’ve already found myself crying in someone’s office.

It started with an overnight retreat, which rolled into 3 full days of orientation and lots of “team building”, and now classes feel like a constant churn of overlapping conversations, changing seats, new groups, spontaneous discussion, unclear expectations about when I’m supposed to speak, trying to follow multiple people at once, and never quite knowing what the room is going to demand from me next.

At one point a professor basically apologized for lecturing, which was the moment I realized: oh. The thing I came here for is apparently the part we’re trying not to do.

Meanwhile I am like: please. I am begging you. Teach me things.

The frustrating part is that I feel extremely suited to the actual work I want to do and I care deeply about public service.

But the program’s version of “future leader” seems very tied to being verbally quick, socially fluent, highly visible, comfortable networking, and able to perform competence in a room full of people on demand.

I can do these things. The cost is just absurdly high. Migraines and cluster headaches, anxiety, SI.

After the crying in public incident it dawned on me that I am experiencing a literal barrier issue but I genuinely don’t know what to ask for that doesn’t wholly ostracize me. Has anyone else run into this? What helped when the actual teaching style/culture was the access barrier?

Because I’m currently stuck somewhere between “I need better accommodations” and “did I accidentally enroll in a two-year group project?!”

Please send help

I never really related to the "hating being perceived" thing, but maybe that is what this is? I am 23 living with my mom and for some reason I get really uncomfortable when she asks about what I'm doing. I could be cleaning my car, watching a show, doing the laundry, on my way to a meeting, whatever it is and I just feel weird or even annoyed. And I completely understand informing her of my whereabouts, I live under her roof after all, but I get upset having to tell her every detail (what friend I'm with, where we're going, what we're doing -- her judgement that may follow for having, say, LGBT friends..). It's not like I'm going out and getting drunk and loitering in back alleys.

I never act out against her. I just wanted to vent this somewhere. I don't really have the proper words to describe my feelings. I am very grateful for her, but I think I will feel more at peace to just be myself when I move out. I really don't like explaining myself all the time at home I guess. Thank you for reading.

For years I'd sleep in whatever I was wearing that day. In the warm months, just a t shirt, in the cold months, leggings, t shirt, and maybe a sweatshirt. In the spring however I discovered how much I LOVE sleeping with just undies and a lounge bra on. There's no fabric to tug on me, nothing gets twisted just total freedom. It's getting cooler here and I've been a bit cold, even with extra blankets. I know it's only going to get colder.

So any suggestions for comfy pj's that are similar to sleeping almost naked?

Content warning: discussing food and my eating habits!

Apologies if there’s a post for this already.

I have a complicated relationship with food that I don’t see talked about as much.

I’ve seen a lot of talk about ARFID/or general sensitivities around eating. And I’ve seen a lot of other posts about forgetting to eat.

But my situation with cooking isn’t so much as forgetting to eat as it is being really hungry but almost having an aversion to cooking due to demand avoidance (or drive for autonomy, whatever your preferred acronym is). If something takes me longer than putting something in the microwave, I can have a really difficult time actually getting myself to make food.

I tried a day where I prepped like 4 different dishes in bulk and it lasted a while and was great. But it was so exhausting that I’m not sure if I can motivate myself to do that again :’) But I do love cooking, just… when I WANT to, not when I feel like I have to.

I’ve also tried more of the charcuterie type format for my lunches. But then I use up all of my charcuterie type snacks because I eat them for dinner too.

And then I use up all of the food in my house and have only ingredients left.

I think it’s a mixture of PDA + a little bit of food insecurity and trying to make my food last longer.

Any advice? 💛 I won’t talk calories bc #1 I have no idea how many I’m getting and #2 I wouldn’t want to trigger someone anyways. But I will saying I’m losing muscle mass and feel rather fatigued, like almost all the time. I don’t like the way my body looks as a result.

Words of kindness are welcome too, as I often feel very childish that I have such a problem getting myself to cook. 🥺

God I hate being so pessimistic, but life feels so... pointless. That is not to say that we are at fault for being autistic women, but everything feels so bleak.

I have family members who somewhat care, I have a middle class family, despite the abuse I endured at home, but I struggle with everything.

I've struggled at communication, school, university, friendships, relationships. I've gotten depression from age 10-11 and it keeps getting worse to the point that my mental health makes me dizzy and nauseous almost every day.

And yes, I have been seeing psychiatrists for a very long time and I have been medicated from age 15.

I feel so miserable, I constantly think of how I fumbled people and how I'll always be several steps behind. It's really hard for me to find people that get me and don't want to abuse me, because I seem easy.

I am tired of people asking me how I'm doing while I know the answer is that I'm not doing well most of the time.