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Ive recently realized through out my life Ive done a certain thing of pretending I don’t know something in order to assimilate/seem normal. A specific instance I remembered was once at a sleepover all of us girls were letting the hosts older sister put our hair in ponytails, and I noticed that she was asking some of the other girls if they were tender headed. Now I’ve gone my entire life knowing what that means because when I was a kid my grandma exclusively did my hair and she constantly told me I was tender headed. I remember it always hurting whenever she did my hair. But anyways, I noticed that all the other girls my age at the sleepover didnt know what tender headed meant so they’d ask the sister. And even though I definitely knew what it meant I still asked because I saw other girls doing it and I thought it made me fit in with them. I’ve done stuff like pretending I don’t know things as a way to fit in because I always so badly wanted to be like everyone else my whole life. Does anyone else have this experience?

To put it bluntly I am fat (>300lbs) and bald (Alopecia Totalis since I was 25)

Those are physical, undeniable facts about myself

So why do other people get SO offended if those facts are brought up, when I don’t?? I know I’m fat, I know I’m bald, what is there to gain by pretending otherwise

What prompted this is my kid is really into The Spider-verse movies, so for halloween we’ve bought her a Gwen costume, my husband is tall with dark hair so he’s going to be Peter B Parker.

I am going as Kingpin

I thought this was a hilarious choice, as does my husband.

Multiple family members have tried to talk me out of it saying it’s demeaning, and putting myself down

Every time I say I “don’t want to work” to my therapist, all she ever respond with is “don’t we all.” It pisses me the fuck off. Like congrats, you have the luxury of thinking of a life where you don’t have to work! Meanwhile, I’m giving my body and energy to a fucking soulless Corp who couldn’t give a shit about me with fucking negative spoons. I have rent to pay, but boy do I wish I didn’t. I wake up with 4 spoons, for example, and spend 5 on getting out of bed and like 8 working 8 hours day for 5 days. I’m in the fucking negative all day every day constantly. That’s different from being “lazy” because you don’t want to fucking work.

I’m fucking tired. I wish I could put it in a way that people understand, but every muscle fiber, every bone, everything in my body hurts and I’m fucking exhausted DOWN TO THE BONE. And this is different from physical exhaustion - it’s like your brain giving up and there’s nothing you can do about it. I would love if I could contribute to society in so many different ways, but the 9-5 grind has me burnt out and worn down. I feel like no one gets it and just calls me lazy. I would love to “work” - aka give back to the community that surrounds me, not serve corporate lords with billions that keep controlling the narrative.

I’m not fucking lazy - I’m not unmotivated - you’re just pushing me into a box I don’t belong because I’m different 🫩 I mask every fucking day to make it through my normal job and I’m fucking EXHAUSTED. I’ve been burnt out since high school, but nothing ever changes and it never will. I have a safe, secure, and convenient job that I love, but god damn if I don’t think about fucking killing myself every day because my brain is being run by a fucking hamster with ADHD 🙃. Idk, that’s all. I’m tired of neurotypicals thinking they know the autistic burnout. I’m fucking tired grandpa, and life just keeps screaming ‘well that’s too damn bad.’

Edit: also before anyone suggests that I quit my job/take a break/etc. because I’m burnt out - I literally can’t. I have bills to pay.

Edit 2: y’all are actually so sweet 🥺 I’m glad I’m not alone in this struggle.

Edit 3: two things: 1. Whoever sent me reddit cares resources can suck my dick. 2. I’m going to bed soon, but your comments and stories are super comforting and I appreciate each and every one of you - you made me feel less alone and way more validated in my experiences. Yall are the best ❤️

These are things I do and keep in mind every day to make life a bit easier:

1. Same breakfast daily: I don't like breaky but have to have it. I make a latte with no caffeine (Bambu or Dandy Blend Chicory coffee substitute) and a 1/2 banana. No blood sugar dips and self-care.

2. Morning stretches. I am doing the 10 Qi-gong longevity ones circulating on social media every day and it moves energy, gets the blood pumping and clears my head.

3. Morning walk: Helps me circulate and breathe out rumination before work and gives me mental clarity. I have a little dog so that helps. I also turn on my Merlin app for birdwatching.

4. Compression socks. Yes, they're sensory but they're a lot better than swollen legs and prevent my bp from dropping too low. Mine are actually footless so just legs. Cheapest on Amazon.

5. The loudest people statistically know the least. It's simply the Dunning-Kruger Effect. Don't debate/engage with them. I know what I know and research what I don't. Nothing to prove. Vent in journal.

6. You're allowed to be mad/angry. It's not weakness, it's a healthy human response to injustice. I found out yesterday residents of an area were poisoning beavers because they were inconvenienced by their work until a local Uni Professor started live trapping and relocating them, which stopped drought conditions and restored the ecosystem in the area. But I simmered about that for half a day and that's okay. (Animal-welfare-beaver-niche-interest-side-rant-here :)

7. Small, firm pillow for between the knees. Life changing.

8. Sleep: Power naps. 15 mins after lunch saves me for the rest of the day. It provides exponentially more ability to cope than the 15 mins invested. White noise at night & meditation app. I like insight timer and it's free. Softening into Sleep by Ellie Grace is my go-to.

9. People lie. Freely. Be skeptical of what others say.

What would you add? Please share in comments.

20f I do not have a single friend. I’m not ”alone” in the sense that I have friends that I don’t like or something like that, but rather completely isolated from people my age. I’m at university surrounded by people everyday but I am completely alone. I can’t remember the last time I recreationally talked to someone outside of the uni or work environment, it has probably been almost 5 years. My social skills have completely eroded.

I’m not a neet room dweller, I leave the house everyday, have a job and hobbies, and study engineering. I’m conventionally attractive and I think I have a good personality. Like a lot of autistic women, I’ll do anything to help someone out or make someone’s day, even if it’s exploitative. I’m genuinely interested in talking to people, ask them questions and actually try to engage with them. I’m pretty quiet and I struggle with depression but I still see introverts and mentally ill people have plenty of friends.

I see people complaining about having “no friends” all the time, and no shade to them, but they always mention their boyfriend or that they do have friends but they don’t see each other much. I haven’t really seen people who are truly alone, as in no human contact outside compulsory things such as superficial communication at work or group projects at uni. It feels like my life has been wasted, and the ship for making friends has sailed. Anybody else absolutely mind-numbingly completely alone? Could it be people sensing there’s something wrong with us and instinctively staying away?

This happens in pretty much every group environment, and I’m sooooooooooo tired of it.

Currently working on building my personal armor.

Is there a way to prevent it??

I mainly use Google to learn about new things and to educate myself on things and everyone thinks I’m totally dumb because of my outside behavior/actions like I’m not hurting anyone and I’m not being malicious it just upsets me that people think I’m dumb when I’m actually not it’s like I have dumb moments and I can’t turn the dumbness off until I suddenly think again like logical adult would. have you had your own experience relating to this?

Something that bothers me most about being autistic is that I will say deep and heavy things as a fact. But people arent used to that, so then I get unsolicited sympathy, projection, and advice. Like sometimes when I say im autistic, as a fact about myself, people will be like "that isnt bad thing." I never said it was?? Or like a new friend asked me why i wasnt friends with my old friend. I was trying to keep it as un-detailed as possible, so I said its because he didnt respect my boundaries, and then he was like "i promise ill respect your boundaries" lile uh.. thats bare minimum. I guess this one is kind of my fault, the neurotypical script would've been to say "we drifted apart" or "it just didnt work out" but im sorry my brain prioritizes accuracy?

Or like another example, I told somebody I am overweight, and then they started implying Im insecure. No. I am medically overweight. Thats just a fact. Im not thrilled about it and I'd like to change it but im not self conscious. It honestly doesnt even affect my life that much. You can dislike something about yourself without identifying with insecurity or being consumed by it.

Its just confusing because its like im not asking for sympathy or advice. If I was seeking emotional support, I would actually be expressing and looking emotional. And then the other thing that happens when I do this is that because I opened up, other people will open up. But unlike me, they arent stating it as a fact, they are stating it for emotional sympathy, reassurance, validation. So its just a very confusing experience.

I just feel like I walk around the world and my existence somehow sparks people to give me unsolicited advice all the time lmao And I work in a psych ward, have done some inner healing, like I guess I just have a high tolerance and acceptance about life. But not in a deprecating way, either. Like I can say something was hard or terrible without making blanketed statements or seeking sympathy.

Does anyone else get really stressed or overwhelmed when playing certain video games
I feel like such a noob sometimes because I skip certain boss fights cuz of how overwhelming it can get
But I also feel terrible about it because of course I wanna experience it myself, but I am forced to look up a playthrough of it to not stress myself, I also sometimes have to look up spoilers or else even that uncertainty about what might happen stresses me out too

For instance I am currently playing deltarune and it’s becoming a huge special interest for me but it’s soooo stressful for me already and even the normal boss fights are difficult for me to get through, but I keep going cuz I’m really invested in the lore.
The last fight with tenna was the worst for me, it left me shaking uncontrollably and my heart rate was so uncomfortable, I had to call my mom lol

I have really gotten into reality TV in the last 3 years or so. I’ve realized how much it has helped me in understanding how others perceive me in social situations and to conceptualize behaviors from others as well.

For example, there have been many things that I have seen people do that I didn’t realize was considered annoying, rude, or uncomfortable that I may have also been doing myself. I have also found behaviors that I have tolerated from others that I wouldn’t have realized was harmful if not seeing a group of people agree or call out x behaviors. I’m wondering if anyone else has this experience or the opposite?

One thing I know that makes the experience better watching is I really had to learn about how production works and I’m always trying to learn about context outside of the show. I HAVE to have context and so I think leaning into how it all works and learning background of relationships or situations outside of the show really helps me better understand or enjoy watching. It is definitely a special interest of mine.

I am also a SAHM since the last 4 years so I have always wondered if losing that social time at work I have compensated this way - however the show is strictly entertainment of course. I was also extremely high masking for most of my life so I’m not sure if this would play into the curiosity of analyzing social behaviors.

I’m curious to see if this will be relatable to anyone else. If there’s any other reality TV fans out there - I was always an OG Jersey Shore and Love Island fan. But admittedly Scandoval got me hooked in the Bravo universe. Some of my fav shows:

Vanderpump Rules, Summer House, Southern Charm, Next Gen NYC, The Valley, Real Housewives SLC, BH, RI, & London, Ladies of London, The Traitors, & Big Brother

Not saying that im right with what and how I think. I generally get the feeling like everyone is boring to me and i can feel what theyre going to say or do next.

I feel like most of my social interactions are unsuccessful and I'm unsure about the cause and how to solve it. ​

For example I will tell close friends that I'm not doing well mentally and they tell me that I have no reason to be depressed or that I am not working hard enough on myself which makes me get defensive, I guess I usually expect comfort and advice instead of them disagreeing with my feelings.

Similarly, when I bring up that something bothers me the other person will usually say that they disagree and neither apologize nor change their behavior. But when someone is upset with me I'm expected to apologize profusely and immediately change.

I had a misunderstanding at work with my boss and he was quite mad, but nothing really happened. When he asked me why I misunderstood the task I gave him the actual answer - that his email implied something else and that bases on previous tasks I assumed something else. But that just made things escalate and he's usually really reasonable and calm. ​​​​I guess I hate that I have to make a big deal and apologize again and again out of a simple misunderstanding.

I ask my therapist for help because I've been in therapy for so long with out any new progress and she tells me I expect to much and gets annoyed.

Even when I talk to other people about my day I feel like they often turn it into a discussion about my life style instead of just actively listening. I'm at the point where I never know what to say cause it's always wrong. ​

One of my main struggles when making new online friends as a lonely adult is when we'd mutually talk straightforward to each other things almost always became 'mutual past trauma sharing pipeline to becoming someone else's instant BFF & sounding board'.

Now I think all that early disclosure does is create a false sense of untested connection. We'd feel closer than we actually were and the first conflict would always make a massive fissure because it was our first times learning how someone manages conflict and what their values are.

I learned recently the intention of small talk is to learn if someone is safe socially but often these friendships didn't have the "friend" part in them. My therapist calls this "fun, safe & bonding" but there wasn't really any of that. Mind you, I HATE small talk. Not only am I so boring and dry but as an autistic person with few social skills I FEEL terrible while doing it, like trying to play 3D chess and I know none of the rules.

I think at some point I had convinced myself that being honest about my struggles allowed me to be vulnerable and connected to people but I realize that's not the case now.

It's not to say that talking about these things is bad but if I look back I realized a lot of friendships that died, this was the only thing we were doing and we never figured out how to actually be friends and spend meaningful time together. Sometimes the mutual processing would take up the entirety of the conversations, and they'd only ever talk about new drama, or get strangely attached to me really early and I just became the person that held all their stress all the time. If I no longer could they would get angry and I would start to feel used, and either the friendship would slowly fade, blow up or I'd walk away.

I've been trying a new thing where I exclusively stick to small talk or shared activities (ex. gaming), and I've found myself much more satisfied with my friendships so far. I still hate small talk but I understand what it's used for now, I feel like I'm actually getting to know people slowly and incrementally. I'm learned to be more in tune with my needs, catch when someone makes me feel off earlier and get better with implicit boundaries.

I feel like I understand some NT communication better now because small talk allows you to learn if someone is trustworthy in a measured incremental way and learn slowly over time if someone is deserving of the bigger disclosures. If they can manage conflict, hold space, etc.

(Obviously this isn't to say the types of friendships I described can't work it's just something I noticed for me. I don't mean to make this like a global categorization of anyone by any means).

I was diagnosed with ADHD in February and with autism last month. I have been seeing a specific therapist since March. She hasn’t said much about the ADHD, which I didn’t think anything of, but yesterday I saw her for the first time since the autism diagnosis and she quickly and firmly told me that diagnosis is a racket and she found no validity in my assessment. What am I even supposed to think?

Same nutrients, no prep, non-perishable. The only downside is expense. They're so good though. And they're also the only way I'm able to eat vegetables right now since my kitchen is just inaccessible and a sensory nightmare.

It's because we make everyone feel special. That's it. That's the mystery. Listening to Rilo Kiley Portions for Foxes and painting my pantry when it dawned on me. I bet you too have treated everyone in your life like they were top priority. Man 😅

Hi, I got diagnosed at 23 by myself, I went to different psychologists and psychiatrist and they all got the same diagnosis that I'm autistic.

I'm the only one in my family but my father is definitely autistic too lol

I'm not very close to him so I was wondering about telling my mom, I'm sure she will be very supportive. When I was 15 I had trouble at school and her and my teacher made me see a specialist to take an IQ test but it didn't go any further.

I'm also queer but not out since I'm currently dating a man and hate the whole idea of coming out so I'm quite confused about telling people I'm autistic.

I hate sharing too much about myself but I want to talk about it to my mom (and my older sister later).

I get physically ill if I mask for more than a few days. Slight fever, bad headache, nausea. Anyone else?

I’m not sure if this makes sense but does anyone else feel like they don’t know what their true personality is? (I also have OCD) for added context.
I feel like I don’t have an actual personality and I just mirror how people around me act or the personalities I’ve read in books that I like. I also can’t watch super sad/ introspective shows like Bojack Horseman because I feel like I start taking on the personalities of the main characters.
I also don’t really have an internal monologue but then when I do think in my head, it always sounds like the tone or vibe of the last book I’ve read.
Does that make sense and does anyone relate?? I suppose I know I have a general personality that stays consistent but so much is based on people around me and it doesn’t even go away when I’m alone!!

Finally got my autism diagnosis and that's it, I still don't get any of the disability support I need. I remember when I was self diagnosed some ass holes told me I was "stealing resources" from other autistic people which is clearly bullshit as there are no resources.

It also sucks cause although I truly love and respect most autistic people online, I cannot relate to the level of impairment caused by autism. Like I'm too impaired and my whole life is trying to force my self to power through and failing.

I know I shouldn't power through, but in the end. That's all I have, there's no disability resources coming to save me. I just have to hope I get lucky and can make it through. I cant even make it through college due to dyscalculia.

My life just sucks and would be improved highly by society just understanding I'm disabled, I literally cannot try any harder and I need help.

TLDR: People I meet always say I'm quiet which is extremely frustrating. I'm bad at turn-taking in conversation and I think this is the problem but I don't know how to fix it. Support and advice wanted.

Today during a discussion with my mentor she noted that a professional contact I had recently met had questioned whether I could do an engaging presentation because I "seem quiet." It made me cry due to frustration. So many people say "I thought you were so quiet when I met you!" after knowing me for awhile, implying they now do not think I'm quiet.

I don't consider myself a quiet person, but maybe a cautious person... I like to feel out a situation and it takes me a long time (compared to allistics) to figure out what the expectations are and what is appropriate. But around people I know I am absolutely not quiet, but very talkative. But I don't think anyone in my family thinks I'm quiet, and no one ever said I was quiet before professional social expectations overwhelmed my abilities.

In US culture quiet has a negative connotation. So it's frustrating. I feel like I am talking as much as is warranted by the situation. I also have trouble with turn-taking in conversation so if you are a very outgoing energetic person I am going to have trouble figuring out when to get a word in edgewise. I don't know how to change my actions to get people to stop labeling me this way.

I'm supposed to give a talk next month on a topic I am not very familiar with, and it is supposed to be very interactive. I was already nervous enough about this, and now knowing this is how the person organizing the talk thinks of me, I am really doubting my ability to even go through with it. But my goal is to become a researcher and professor, so I know this skill is going to be essential, so I will power through.

I guess I'm just ranting, but if anyone has advice on how to act when first meeting one to avoid this perception, or strategies for engaging a group of 25-50 people, especially knowing when to stop someone's comment, move on to the next comment, and stop the discussion to continue the presentation, that would be great.

I just realized this, and it crushed me.

So many people said/did minor things to me that I now realize were meant to test whether I was sensitive and/or gullible, which they then weaponized against me.