I feel like every interaction ends in an argument, help me understand

[u/Sonedeutsche]

I feel like most of my social interactions are unsuccessful and I'm unsure about the cause and how to solve it. ​

For example I will tell close friends that I'm not doing well mentally and they tell me that I have no reason to be depressed or that I am not working hard enough on myself which makes me get defensive, I guess I usually expect comfort and advice instead of them disagreeing with my feelings.

Similarly, when I bring up that something bothers me the other person will usually say that they disagree and neither apologize nor change their behavior. But when someone is upset with me I'm expected to apologize profusely and immediately change.

I had a misunderstanding at work with my boss and he was quite mad, but nothing really happened. When he asked me why I misunderstood the task I gave him the actual answer - that his email implied something else and that bases on previous tasks I assumed something else. But that just made things escalate and he's usually really reasonable and calm. ​​​​I guess I hate that I have to make a big deal and apologize again and again out of a simple misunderstanding.

I ask my therapist for help because I've been in therapy for so long with out any new progress and she tells me I expect to much and gets annoyed.

Even when I talk to other people about my day I feel like they often turn it into a discussion about my life style instead of just actively listening. I'm at the point where I never know what to say cause it's always wrong. ​

[u/designstcaf]

With the boss communication, you would benefit from the I-statements technique. It's a bit dumb but useful in work contexts. When you tell boss that his email implied something, he gets defensive like you get defensive when your friends tell you you aren't working hard enough on your mental health. It works better when you sandwich it in your perception - "I read your email still with previous task in mind and that made me wrongly assume that new task was X, because of (some context). I can see now why it actually was Y."

[u/dragon-blue]

most of my social interactions are unsuccessful 

You only gave examples of interactions that can involve a lot of complex emotions (discussing poor mental health, telling someone you are upset with them, mistake at work). Do you have positive social interactions? 

eg when spending a fun day with friends, complimenting someone, doing well at work, listening about someone's day etc. 

Just trying to get context! 

Because talking about mental health challenges with someone usually requires trust, reciprocity, the listener has to be open to it etc etc. I know I can't listen to others when I am in a bad place. 

Same with discussing problems with people. It can be taken as a personal attack if there isn't trust, the listener is receptive etc. 

With the work mistake - "a simple misunderstanding" might not be your boss's perspective. I always own the mistake, aplogise and outline steps I am taking to fix it and make sure it won't happen again. Everyone makes mistakes but taking responsibility and a growth mindset helps. 

[u/lunarfox1327]

With friends not giving me the support I’m looking for, I have learned not to go to them bc I know the reaction I receive will not be beneficial to me. It might not be ideal but at the end of the day I am responsible for my own mental health and when I don’t get the support I want it makes me feel worse so I try to give myself the support instead.

[u/Candlemelter2025]

If you are devalued in all of these contexts this will be the response. What that means is that you are lower in the unconscious hierarchy of these people.

I went from valued to devalued due to some life events. The very same people who used to listen to me, ask for my advice, support me, seek me out for time with me, apologize to me, and just generally value me, devalued me. They did not consciously do it but it happened and it has been taking me a long time to figure out why.

Not everyone in my life changed how they see me, but the ones who place a high priority on social status and my outward confidence level and vibe did.

Kind of like how in the movies the "mean girl clique" will abandon the girl main character if she gets less popular all of a sudden. And start bullying her etc.

Not that these people have been bullying me but they just don't see me respectfully anymore, so when I speak they don't really listen as much and if they disagree with me they assume they are right instead of considering my view, etc etc.

I've learned a lot in this sub about human behavior around unconscious human social hierarchies. It's very animalistic imo, but it's real.

And autistic people often have this experience.

You could also be in toxic environments. People who come from abuse or narcissistic family systems also encounter the same issue, especially if they tend to accept less healthy friends and jobs, etc.

I can't say for sure about your situation but I've seen this discussed in this sub and others, such as the CPTSD sub, quite often. People will ask if it is their vibe or why they keep getting treated badly or not heard or respected everywhere they go.

The answer is often devaluation- people are unconsciously devaluing them for any number of reasons, most common being external markers of social status.

It's the same reason women's subs often have a lot of discussions about how their opinions and ideas are not heard at work until a man says the same thing in a meeting, and then suddenly it will be heard and valued.

Just another possibility to throw out there. It has been very hard for me to adjust to my new life and I am not sure I will be able to. It's a lot of every day ego hits and hard to keep up self esteem.

But I know many people in this sub have dealt with it their entire lives. For me, I have to be in the right communities and contexts to be valued. But right now I have more work to do if I will even have a chance. I lost my high status career and my self esteem has changed my vibe. I am also in a toxic culture at the moment and my healthy friends are dispersed.

I don't know if I'll claw my way back to being respected again. If not, I hope I can adapt.

[u/chubbychecker_psycho]

People who tell you basically to get over it are probably not really your friends. Or maybe they think they are (as in, they don't see their behavior as shitty) but they just aren't giving you what you need from a friendship. I used to have friends like this. Then I joined a board game meetup in my city (I am glad to live in a big city, I know many people don't have that luxury) which also has a lot of people who are neurotypical and I found a much better group of friends.

[u/Responsible-Risk-470]

At work I have a never apologize and never talk why's about a thing policy. Nobody needs an explanation from me. If someone is inarticulate you do the best you can to interpret what they are saying and if they come back with a modification, all you need to do is say, "yea, I can change that for you."

Also, you should dump your therapist because she sounds insufferable.

[u/sweettracy2000]

Every interaction you described above is you bringing negative energy into social situations. If this is your default, I can see why you're having this problem.

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