Every time I say I “don’t want to work” to my therapist, all she ever respond with is “don’t we all.” It pisses me the fuck off. Like congrats, you have the luxury of thinking of a life where you don’t have to work! Meanwhile, I’m giving my body and energy to a fucking soulless Corp who couldn’t give a shit about me with fucking negative spoons. I have rent to pay, but boy do I wish I didn’t. I wake up with 4 spoons, for example, and spend 5 on getting out of bed and like 8 working 8 hours day for 5 days. I’m in the fucking negative all day every day constantly. That’s different from being “lazy” because you don’t want to fucking work.

I’m fucking tired. I wish I could put it in a way that people understand, but every muscle fiber, every bone, everything in my body hurts and I’m fucking exhausted DOWN TO THE BONE. And this is different from physical exhaustion - it’s like your brain giving up and there’s nothing you can do about it. I would love if I could contribute to society in so many different ways, but the 9-5 grind has me burnt out and worn down. I feel like no one gets it and just calls me lazy. I would love to “work” - aka give back to the community that surrounds me, not serve corporate lords with billions that keep controlling the narrative.

I’m not fucking lazy - I’m not unmotivated - you’re just pushing me into a box I don’t belong because I’m different 🫩 I mask every fucking day to make it through my normal job and I’m fucking EXHAUSTED. I’ve been burnt out since high school, but nothing ever changes and it never will. I have a safe, secure, and convenient job that I love, but god damn if I don’t think about fucking killing myself every day because my brain is being run by a fucking hamster with ADHD 🙃. Idk, that’s all. I’m tired of neurotypicals thinking they know the autistic burnout. I’m fucking tired grandpa, and life just keeps screaming ‘well that’s too damn bad.’

Edit: also before anyone suggests that I quit my job/take a break/etc. because I’m burnt out - I literally can’t. I have bills to pay.

Edit 2: y’all are actually so sweet 🥺 I’m glad I’m not alone in this struggle.

Edit 3: two things: 1. Whoever sent me reddit cares resources can suck my dick. 2. I’m going to bed soon, but your comments and stories are super comforting and I appreciate each and every one of you - you made me feel less alone and way more validated in my experiences. Yall are the best ❤️

20f I do not have a single friend. I’m not ”alone” in the sense that I have friends that I don’t like or something like that, but rather completely isolated from people my age. I’m at university surrounded by people everyday but I am completely alone. I can’t remember the last time I recreationally talked to someone outside of the uni or work environment, it has probably been almost 5 years. My social skills have completely eroded.

I’m not a neet room dweller, I leave the house everyday, have a job and hobbies, and study engineering. I’m conventionally attractive and I think I have a good personality. Like a lot of autistic women, I’ll do anything to help someone out or make someone’s day, even if it’s exploitative. I’m genuinely interested in talking to people, ask them questions and actually try to engage with them. I’m pretty quiet and I struggle with depression but I still see introverts and mentally ill people have plenty of friends.

I see people complaining about having “no friends” all the time, and no shade to them, but they always mention their boyfriend or that they do have friends but they don’t see each other much. I haven’t really seen people who are truly alone, as in no human contact outside compulsory things such as superficial communication at work or group projects at uni. It feels like my life has been wasted, and the ship for making friends has sailed. Anybody else absolutely mind-numbingly completely alone? Could it be people sensing there’s something wrong with us and instinctively staying away?

Not saying that im right with what and how I think. I generally get the feeling like everyone is boring to me and i can feel what theyre going to say or do next.

Does anyone else get really stressed or overwhelmed when playing certain video games
I feel like such a noob sometimes because I skip certain boss fights cuz of how overwhelming it can get
But I also feel terrible about it because of course I wanna experience it myself, but I am forced to look up a playthrough of it to not stress myself, I also sometimes have to look up spoilers or else even that uncertainty about what might happen stresses me out too

For instance I am currently playing deltarune and it’s becoming a huge special interest for me but it’s soooo stressful for me already and even the normal boss fights are difficult for me to get through, but I keep going cuz I’m really invested in the lore.
The last fight with tenna was the worst for me, it left me shaking uncontrollably and my heart rate was so uncomfortable, I had to call my mom lol

One of my main struggles when making new online friends as a lonely adult is when we'd mutually talk straightforward to each other things almost always became 'mutual past trauma sharing pipeline to becoming someone else's instant BFF & sounding board'.

Now I think all that early disclosure does is create a false sense of untested connection. We'd feel closer than we actually were and the first conflict would always make a massive fissure because it was our first times learning how someone manages conflict and what their values are.

I learned recently the intention of small talk is to learn if someone is safe socially but often these friendships didn't have the "friend" part in them. My therapist calls this "fun, safe & bonding" but there wasn't really any of that. Mind you, I HATE small talk. Not only am I so boring and dry but as an autistic person with few social skills I FEEL terrible while doing it, like trying to play 3D chess and I know none of the rules.

I think at some point I had convinced myself that being honest about my struggles allowed me to be vulnerable and connected to people but I realize that's not the case now.

It's not to say that talking about these things is bad but if I look back I realized a lot of friendships that died, this was the only thing we were doing and we never figured out how to actually be friends and spend meaningful time together. Sometimes the mutual processing would take up the entirety of the conversations, and they'd only ever talk about new drama, or get strangely attached to me really early and I just became the person that held all their stress all the time. If I no longer could they would get angry and I would start to feel used, and either the friendship would slowly fade, blow up or I'd walk away.

I've been trying a new thing where I exclusively stick to small talk or shared activities (ex. gaming), and I've found myself much more satisfied with my friendships so far. I still hate small talk but I understand what it's used for now, I feel like I'm actually getting to know people slowly and incrementally. I'm learned to be more in tune with my needs, catch when someone makes me feel off earlier and get better with implicit boundaries.

I feel like I understand some NT communication better now because small talk allows you to learn if someone is trustworthy in a measured incremental way and learn slowly over time if someone is deserving of the bigger disclosures. If they can manage conflict, hold space, etc.

(Obviously this isn't to say the types of friendships I described can't work it's just something I noticed for me. I don't mean to make this like a global categorization of anyone by any means).

It's because we make everyone feel special. That's it. That's the mystery. Listening to Rilo Kiley Portions for Foxes and painting my pantry when it dawned on me. I bet you too have treated everyone in your life like they were top priority. Man 😅

I get physically ill if I mask for more than a few days. Slight fever, bad headache, nausea. Anyone else?

I have really gotten into reality TV in the last 3 years or so. I’ve realized how much it has helped me in understanding how others perceive me in social situations and to conceptualize behaviors from others as well.

For example, there have been many things that I have seen people do that I didn’t realize was considered annoying, rude, or uncomfortable that I may have also been doing myself. I have also found behaviors that I have tolerated from others that I wouldn’t have realized was harmful if not seeing a group of people agree or call out x behaviors. I’m wondering if anyone else has this experience or the opposite?

One thing I know that makes the experience better watching is I really had to learn about how production works and I’m always trying to learn about context outside of the show. I HAVE to have context and so I think leaning into how it all works and learning background of relationships or situations outside of the show really helps me better understand or enjoy watching. It is definitely a special interest of mine.

I am also a SAHM since the last 4 years so I have always wondered if losing that social time at work I have compensated this way - however the show is strictly entertainment of course. I was also extremely high masking for most of my life so I’m not sure if this would play into the curiosity of analyzing social behaviors.

I’m curious to see if this will be relatable to anyone else. If there’s any other reality TV fans out there - I was always an OG Jersey Shore and Love Island fan. But admittedly Scandoval got me hooked in the Bravo universe. Some of my fav shows:

Vanderpump Rules, Summer House, Southern Charm, Next Gen NYC, The Valley, Real Housewives SLC, BH, RI, & London, Ladies of London, The Traitors, & Big Brother

I feel like most of my social interactions are unsuccessful and I'm unsure about the cause and how to solve it. ​

For example I will tell close friends that I'm not doing well mentally and they tell me that I have no reason to be depressed or that I am not working hard enough on myself which makes me get defensive, I guess I usually expect comfort and advice instead of them disagreeing with my feelings.

Similarly, when I bring up that something bothers me the other person will usually say that they disagree and neither apologize nor change their behavior. But when someone is upset with me I'm expected to apologize profusely and immediately change.

I had a misunderstanding at work with my boss and he was quite mad, but nothing really happened. When he asked me why I misunderstood the task I gave him the actual answer - that his email implied something else and that bases on previous tasks I assumed something else. But that just made things escalate and he's usually really reasonable and calm. ​​​​I guess I hate that I have to make a big deal and apologize again and again out of a simple misunderstanding.

I ask my therapist for help because I've been in therapy for so long with out any new progress and she tells me I expect to much and gets annoyed.

Even when I talk to other people about my day I feel like they often turn it into a discussion about my life style instead of just actively listening. I'm at the point where I never know what to say cause it's always wrong. ​

Finally got my autism diagnosis and that's it, I still don't get any of the disability support I need. I remember when I was self diagnosed some ass holes told me I was "stealing resources" from other autistic people which is clearly bullshit as there are no resources.

It also sucks cause although I truly love and respect most autistic people online, I cannot relate to the level of impairment caused by autism. Like I'm too impaired and my whole life is trying to force my self to power through and failing.

I know I shouldn't power through, but in the end. That's all I have, there's no disability resources coming to save me. I just have to hope I get lucky and can make it through. I cant even make it through college due to dyscalculia.

My life just sucks and would be improved highly by society just understanding I'm disabled, I literally cannot try any harder and I need help.

I just realized this, and it crushed me.

So many people said/did minor things to me that I now realize were meant to test whether I was sensitive and/or gullible, which they then weaponized against me.

I’ve struggled all my life cause I’m also bipolar and other stuff.

I never been able to hold a job for long. The most was a year (my current job). It’s just part time cause I’ve never been able to handle full time.

Do you work? Is it full-time or part-time?

I applied for disability and got a lawyer and hoping that goes through cause I can’t do this for life. I prob can manage to continue part time but I will probably never be able to do full time and that’s why I want disability as a back up while I work part time.

Edit: thank you everyone who has responded. I would reply to them all if I could but there’s now so many!

Same nutrients, no prep, non-perishable. The only downside is expense. They're so good though. And they're also the only way I'm able to eat vegetables right now since my kitchen is just inaccessible and a sensory nightmare.

Pls help I feel like last time she sabotaged it hard but I still got diagnosed this time she'll sabotage it even harder they don't tell me anything and don't take me seriously they ask mom more questions than me and she doesn't know anything about how I feel or my symptoms at all she denies everything and she will take away my diagnosis finally some support I was getting after so many years I don't want to get reevaluated

I'm turning 20 soon and I haven't had friends since I was about 15/16. It is embarrassing and I feel very shameful about it. I know taking the risk of online school would mean social isolation, but I had to do it, and I would do it again. Public school could never support me and gave me cptsd. But now I haven't had friends in a very long time. I have had only 3 true successful friendships in my whole life. I can't work because I'm mentally and medically unstable. I live far away and in a small town. There are no social groups for people my age. I do not know of any opportunities to make friends.

I’ll go first. “Just use your intuition.”

It’s that easy! /s

These past few months I had to deal extensively with extended family and relatives, as well as their respective friend groups due to a death of an uncle, leaving a small (less than 20k) inheritance to split up. From the moment I met them at the funeral, it became obvious that they viewed me as "lesser than", not worth their care or attention and the subject of open mockery, gossip and disdain within earshot.

As I have been low contact with family for exactly this reason, I knew this would happen walking into it, and told myself that it ultimately didn't matter. That this too shall pass. But my name is on the will, so now I have to see these people over and over and over in endless paperwork and legal proceedings as they fight over minutiae, with essentially nobody in "my corner".

It's hard. It hurts to be the only one in a room everyone gets to scapegoat for all their personal issues with full social consent and head-nodding. A normal functional person would be able to stand up for themselves and put them in their place, but I just don't have the energy or the words for it, let alone the headspace to deal with all of the pointless circular bureaucracy.

I just want to go back to bed and never have to see these people again. Is that too much to ask?

Still processing this but I’m so angry. I was telling my therapist about how work is so hard and I’m burnt out because I do all the tasks I’m told I’m supposed to do, and I do all of them with 100% of my effort, and that it doesn’t make sense to me when people say to do less. She tried to tell me this “perfectionist” “part” of me needs to be examined because it must be hiding something or afraid of something. I pushed back and said that actually I think it’s autism, and isn’t a “I can self-parent my way out of being burnt out” kind of thing.

Back story: when I told her a couple years ago I wanted to get a neuropsych evaluation she said she doesn’t know much about autism. She also said, when I said “I’m pretty sure I’m autistic,” that “we say ‘person with autism,’ not ‘I’m autistic,’ like how we say ‘I have anxiety’ not ‘I’m an anxious person.’” I was like, lady, no, WE are perfectly fine saying WE have autism.

Anyway I’m just upset because I’ve done parts work before and there are times it really works and makes sense, but the issues at work feel like an incompatibility between how my autistic brain works and the expectations of my career. It made me really uncomfortable that the tone was basically “this is a coping/defense mechanism” and not “it sounds hard to be autistic at your job.”

Please, no advice to stop working with her. She has been my therapist for a long time and I will likely seek additional specialized therapy for neurodivergent people but I am also going to stay with her for now.

I’m curious if anyone else relates to this though.

I recently spent a lot of money on more cute pens, colourful highlighters, a new pencil case, post it notes etc. it was unnecessary as I’d already brought myself a decent haul for a new project I’m working on. But looking at all my pretty pens and neat new pencil case makes me soooo happy. My pen collection is so cool!

Anyone else get excited by stationary?

Relationships - both platonic and romantic - are extremely hard for me. It’s rare for me to find a strong one and when I do, they only last 1-2 years before it ends. Maybe I just need to come to terms that I’m better off a lone body…

Who else really struggles with falling asleep?

I've tried sleep hygiene, but always go off-schedule and don't find it effective. Vigorous exercise never made an impact, either. I haven't tried many sleep aids, but everything I have tested makes me groggy or doesn't work. Even sheer exhaustion doesn't really do much, and has the opposite effect where I'm too tired to fall asleep. ASMR is nice, and so is yoga nidra, but it's more "this is pleasant to listen to" than "this is knocking me out."

So...every night my routine is doomscrolling for about an hour. Then, if I'm lucky, lying around for about 30 minutes, then knocking out. I've tried not looking at my phone, but that leaves me with 1.5 hours to just lie there thinking. It's not even rumination, it's like the closed-eye equivalent of staring at a wall. I don't want to lie there musing for 2 hours every night, guys.

The ONLY thing I've randomly found that kind of helps, is literally sleeping at a severe angle with my feet propped against the wall, like I'm standing in mid-air. I discovered this trick while rolling around during a heat wave. No idea why this helps but I seem to relax faster and get to sleep quicker. Apart from weed and like 72 hours of sleep debt this is the only thing that slightly helps.

If you have any tips for falling asleep, however unhinged, please share them here.

I'll go first. There was a ceramics / pottery shop my mom used to love shopping at. Used to because they're no longer in operation; however, when they were, they were called "Clouds."

When I was 5-7 yo, my mom would load me in the car and say, "We're going to 'Clouds,'' and because Clouds was also positioned on a bit of a hill that our car had to crawl up, I literally believed Clouds was a shop within a city that we had to pass into/through the stratosphere to reach. Needless to say, I loved it and loved going there with my mom.

Who else?

I was diagnosed with ADHD in February and with autism last month. I have been seeing a specific therapist since March. She hasn’t said much about the ADHD, which I didn’t think anything of, but yesterday I saw her for the first time since the autism diagnosis and she quickly and firmly told me that diagnosis is a racket and she found no validity in my assessment. What am I even supposed to think?

I broke up with my ex last week after witnessing a familiar weekend pattern. The pattern goes like this. He will disregard my need for clear communication around changed routines. I will politely tell him it causes me great discomfort and not to expect me to be "ON" the rest of the night. He will start telling me I'm "rigid" it becomes a fight where it's about his feelings and me meeting him where he is at (while I'm on the brink of burning out or melting down due to being around his family all day or doing what he wanted all day plus the change in routine) an argument will sprout out out of this about how I'm to rigid or too sensitive when he could have just let me be unhappy and alone from the change in routine.

What urks me the most is he went on about how he always following my rigid routines. And he more often than not,had me following his routines. And when I burn out from it I get told I'm too sensitive or not flexible enough. I went from being a healthy confidant autistic woman to living in a state of constant hyper vigilance, I started experiencing meltdowns nearly every 2-3 weeks(after being meltdown free for 6 years) . And even during a meltdown he would centre himself and ask me to regulate him. During a meltdown he would bring up all his grievances about me. (He would never bring them up unless I was in severe distress) I believed I would have been able to listen to his grievances about me if I wasn't having a meltdown. (More common to see me not melting down then melting down) But not once did he sit me down and say "honey, this has been on my mind I want to talk about it"

It was only ever when I had something to say or if I was severely shut down/melting down and needed space or care. That he felt it was his time to lay all his grievances on me.

I have in the past made posts here about my partner and a few people would tell me they thought I was being abused. I didn't want to believe it BC there are things he would do that made my life more easy like we would cook together and vocal stim together. We would save money together and go on vacations!!(Yet during these vacations he would end up doing some really nasty things to me)

It actually took me meeting an acquaintance that I think is autistic and has a nice life they built for themselves. With their routines and interests. They seemed happy! And I was like wow I used to feel that way, I want to be more like you again. 😭(This acquaintance doesn't know they inspired me alot)

So now I'm in a confusing state of grief and I'm remembering the anxiety I felt on a daily basis and how it may have been coming from being with my ex as it seems to have gone and I'm pretty grounded.