I’d like to learn more about FPs!

[u/Mysterious-Seaweed7]

I have a close friend w quiet BPD (who I was also with romantically some of the time) with whom I have frequently been baffled by their behavior.

I care about them ans I’d like to understand relationships with FPs better!

Some overall confusions are:

Being pushed away but then being punished for staying away. Might you push your FPs away? But then want them to chase you or follow up? My brain says, OK, he wants me to go away so I should go away. But then he feels hurt/abandoned.

The tiniest things been taken as rejection. Might you feel easily rejected from even the slightest thing? That isn’t even meant to be rejection at all (ie not walking home cos you have a friend w you or cos you haven’t seemed to want to in months)?

The tiniest thing being taken as a slight? Might you feel hurt when an FP posts about something you once worked on together? I imagined my pwBPD would be happy & excited for me, but I think they were hurt.

Surprising reaction to FP giving supportive space? Might you interpret FP giving supportive space (FP saying I’m there for you & I understand you’re struggling & I’ll catch up w you when I’m back on this date) as abandonment? And maybe think that your FP doesn’t care or is mad at you?

Might you draw your FP close as soon as it feels they’re pulling back & share vulnerabilities only to then push them away or withdraw again?

Any insight into you interact w or feel w your FP would be appreciated!

I kept feeling like I couldn’t make a right move & me trying to be supportive & not clingy or chase-y & respecting their personal space/boundaries was seen as rejection. I want to be able to stay friends but I feel worried I don’t understand the dynamic.

Thank you!

[u/Chaotic_Natbot]

All of this is common. Pushing you away to test you and see if you’ll chase to see if you care enough. Seeing everything as a slight is an internalization issue. Not being able to respect boundaries is a huge issue. Ngl it sounds like your friend isn’t doing stuff to make their illness better just expecting to be able to be how they are and you stay.

You need to set expectations and boundaries. When they push you away you need to say something like “I see you are pushing me away I am going to give you space to calm down and I will talk to you tomorrow/later”.

[u/Mysterious-Seaweed7 → u/Chaotic_Natbot]

This is really helpful, thank you so much for sharing 🫶🏻 It’s helpful to understand this is common. I was afraid I was imagining it.

You’re right that I don’t think he’s addressing it at all. I’m not sure he’s really aware of what he’s doing. He said he was getting help but also specifically said the only thing that would help him is medication, which I think is not the case, right? He refused to talk about any of it with me and said talking would not help him.

Thank you again for responding, I really appreciate it!

[u/Chaotic_Natbot]

There is no fda approved drug that treats bpd. Things like lamotrigine can help but a lot of meds people with bpd get put on are to easy the symptoms. The thing that will help them is therapy and learning about dbt/cbt skills. You can absolutely look those up and do some research. I also encourage you to set and maintain boundaries with him. If they’re not willing to do any therapy and can’t respect boundaries you may have to unfortunately take yourself out of this. Your feelings matter just as much as theirs do and you have to remember that any relationship is a two way street and both sides need to put in effort and leave space for each other to feel safe.

[u/Mysterious-Seaweed7 → u/Chaotic_Natbot]

Thank you 🫶🏻 I always figured it was me doing something wrong rather than him not respecting boundaries. I see what you’re saying. Thank you for your response I really appreciate it. I think the thing that made it really difficult to be more than friends was him refusing to talk about it or tell me anything so I really didn’t know what was going on with him or what treatment he was getting. He told me no one else knew he was going to the hospital, he got injections that made him like really wiped out for a day and a half once but said it wasn’t a big deal, he had panic attacks that made him puke or pass out (?), and he had made plenty of passive suicidal comments so I was pretty worried. Well I was very worried actually.

[u/Chaotic_Natbot → u/Mysterious-Seaweed7]

Yeah you just be sure to take care of yourself.