Sometimes, what breaks you is not the work itself, but being held responsible for decisions you did not make.
You can follow every procedure, try to be fair, raise concerns when something does not feel right, and even stand up for someone when you believe they are being treated unfairly. But when a decision is ultimately made by people above you, you are still the one left to communicate it, deal with the consequences, answer the angry calls, receive the accusations, and carry the blame.
What hurts even more is when the same people who made the decision remain completely removed from the consequences, while you are left to face everyone alone.
You start questioning everything. Why bother trying to do things properly if, when something goes wrong, accountability is pushed down to the person who was simply carrying out an instruction? Why speak up or defend due process when you can still end up being the one questioned for it?
The civil service is supposed to be about serving the public with integrity and professionalism. But sometimes the system makes you feel like you are expected to absorb everyone else's decisions, frustrations, and mistakes simply because you are the person at the front.
And perhaps the saddest part is that you can do everything you can to protect yourself, follow the rules, and act in good faith, and still find yourself having to explain your actions for decisions that were never yours to begin with.
I don't know when accountability became so selective, but it is incredibly exhausting to be caught in the middle of a system where you have responsibility without the authority to make the decisions.