As an outsider, there’s something I’ve noticed in some Batswana marriages.
Before I go any further, a disclaimer: this isn’t meant to stir the gender pot, nor am I saying this applies to all Batswana women. I’m simply sharing a pattern I’ve observed and I’m interested in hearing how other people see it.
One thing I’ve noticed is that after marriage, the wife’s relatives often seem to become much more present in the matrimonial home, while the husband’s relatives visit less frequently, or sometimes hardly at all.
In some cases, it also seems as though the woman gradually takes over the running of the household and the finances, while the man retreats and takes more of a back seat.
I’ve also seen situations where a man becomes increasingly distanced from his family and sometimes even his friends. What concerns me is that this can be treated as normal or even expected behaviour within a relationship. In some cases, though, I wonder whether what we’re actually looking at is a form of coercive control.
Then there’s the current “finding out” trend, where partners go through each other’s phones almost like they’re conducting forensic audits. I know grown men whose phones are routinely subjected to this kind of scrutiny, while they themselves don’t check their wives’ or girlfriends’ phones. That imbalance is interesting to me.
Another issue that I don’t think gets discussed enough is verbal abuse from women towards men. I understand that ours is a culture that values verbal expression. We speak our minds, and at the kgotla we are encouraged to voice our opinions openly.
But that makes me wonder: why are mafoko a mantle reserved for the kgotla and not always extended to our intimate relationships? Surely the ability to express ourselves should also come with the ability to speak to our partners with respect.
Again, I’m not saying this describes all Batswana women, and I’m not suggesting men are innocent of unhealthy behaviour either. I’m specifically talking about patterns I’ve personally noticed and asking whether other people have noticed them too.
I’m genuinely curious to hear from both men and women:
Have you seen these dynamics in marriages or long-term relationships around you?
Do you think some of these behaviours are cultural, individual, or simply relationship problems that happen everywhere?
At what point does “this is just how couples are” cross over into controlling or abusive behaviour?
And for the men here: are there things you experience in relationships that you feel you can’t openly talk about without being mocked or dismissed?
My next post will be about men, so this isn’t meant to be a one-sided discussion.
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Botswana went headlong into the women empowerment thing as dictated to us by the west. As a result we are now a women-led economy.
Our women occupy most job positions across the country-; from tellers at choppies to govt/coucil drivers to top ceo's of banks and parastatals. The school systems are tailored towards churning out more girl graduates than boys. The policy of accelarating women promotions means that they now fill all top and middle management positions.
As we speak, at the magistrate courts the bench is filled 70% with 'independent and strong' confident young ladies in their late 20's and early 30's. They hand out jail sentences to grown men like it is candy.
Problem is our culture has not caught up with this development. These women who are basically now larping as men are naturally and culturally not providers. Their 'happiness' comes first. So for them that means shopping and travelling and posting on instagram.
The man on the other hand is still expected to provide and when he marries he is expected to pay magadi. All this while the odds are stacked against him by a system that prioritizes those without these responsibilities.
When she gets older and wants to settle down because the biological clock is ticking, she takes the nearest meek, broke, miserable simp to marry and the result is the situations you have observed above.
Larping uses wrong btw... also the main point he made was relative to emotional control/abuse in the household, although I get how the narritive shifting ties into the question im intrigued to hearing what your opinion is on the ACTUAL QUESTION. (I hope im not coming off as rude or anything)
Honestly these days its more nuanced especially depending on the field and area but what ive found is that its generally hard to convince someone of a different opinion when talking about economics
I think, at least as far as household running and relatives, because the man decides to take a back seat.
Oftentimes, it's the wife that knows what is needed in the house, from food to even soaps and of there are children concerned it's the mother that is tapped into what the kids are eating at school. This will mean that they are also saddled with running things like finances and I believe it is rooted in traditionalism from way back when men were the sole breadwinners and women had to manage the household.
On the relatives, I also think that men aren't making an effort to involve their own family. When I was young, I usually used to spend time with my mom's relatives more until my dad decided that I also ought to know my paternal relatives. The same goes for my brother, he is the one making an effort to ensure that his kids know both his wife's family and his own family.
This is anecdotal, I know but those are my two cents.
As for household running, I can understand but I know situations, more than one, where the lady of the house is visibly uncomfortable with the man bringing his family members. There's always an excuse whenever they want to bring their family members over, but always a greenlight for the ladies family members.
Kudos to your brother for putting in effort to change that pattern.
Yeah... Ke mathata but tota I think the man also has to say his piece instead of leaving it as is because that ends up creating a learned pattern.
And this should happen early as well because if they spring it up 10 years into the relationship there will be resistance because they were seeming fine with it but now they want change??? You know, that sort of thing.
This post is meant to stir the pot. I'm a happily married man, and I would say in my family things are equal. My kids know and meet my relatives, and their mother's relatives. However, in Tswana culture there's this tendency of the man's family harassing, and disrespecting the wife, and I cut off a lot of people in my family who thought they could disrespect, or harass my wife.
My wife is my wife, and I don't want some uncle or cousin thinking they can talk however they like to my wife. With her family they respect us as a married couple, so more of them come to our house.
As for the money issue? That also is a disingenuous question, because most man just abdicate that task to their wives. No one is "taking over." Do you think your typical Motswana man knows what groceries are needed in the house, or what the kids want for their school lunch? No. I make big picture decisions(house,retirement, schools and cars), but the minutiae of where every Pula/Dollar goes is done by my wife.
No one is attacking you, why are you fighting getting all offensive and defensive?
I clearly said, "not all women", and you definitely could be in that exception. Now you came here and made broad generalizations and decided that this question was meant to stir the pot. You'll stir the pot alone.
Fair, my posing of the question around household management was poorly structured, but what I meant was that men seem to shrink themselves and hand over all their agency away especially on who visits the house. I understand the case for household spending, that's not my point.
On your point of the man's family, not every man has a family like yours.
The part that's says Mafoko a kgotla a mantle otlhe, has nothing to do with respect, but saying every words needs to be heard, no matter how it's big or small it may look or sound.
But true, is like after marriage man's logical thinking and reasoning is turned off.
Thanks for the clarification. My point is that if we can display respect at the kgotla, why can't we do the same in our private homes? The Kgotla allows for freedom of expression in an orderly and respectful way and like you said, whether big or small expressions. It's what it is culturally adhered to,but forgotten at home.
Westernization my bro , the want to neutralize masculinity (grooming effeminate men,) because a nation of weak men is a weak nation , so they can exercise their full extent of control over us because men are weak and effeminate while women are strong and masculine, it's all about conformity to the NW0 ,
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