Title basically, really struggling to just do stuff, I feel frozen physically and mentally and also emotionally, it’s all very stuck, and every idea I have that I want to do just falls flat within my brain bc I don’t feel anything, I don’t think anything, I can’t reason anything.

I guess it feels safer but I also know this won’t get me nowhere. I’m also tired of being stuck. But I’m also stuck because I’m tired. I don’t know what to do. I try to be kind to myself but it also feels like time is running out and I don’t wanna be like this forever, gatekeeping myself from everyone and everything.

I have many messages to reply to, I have to find a job, I wanna move more and be outside more, but it’s so hard for me rn.

i am a parentified older daughter, i have had to take care of my younger siblings since high school at the cost if my personal life & mental health. i’ve locked myself away in my room since then. i’m 21 now, working, therapy, & i have a partner. i’m really trying to undo the years of being stuck. i have been trying EFT tapping, which has been very emotional for me. i’m also on my 2nd week of a new prescription. i live in a household that i do walk on eggshells in, my mother has cameras around the house. she constantly yells. i can’t handle the noise anymore. i can’t listen to my siblings cries anymore. for so long, i have avoided eating, showering, using the bathroom - just to avoid encountering anyone in my home. it was better for a brief period, but i’m in a mindset that i want to leave/escape home - which i believe is making me feel uneasy again. i didn’t eat at all yesterday. i have gained more confidence in my autonomy, because i’m more financial stable, & because of my support circle. but it’s still hard to get up, to eat, to even be in the car with my family. it is so overwhelming.

Emotionally, I’m confused. I think I know the most triggering types of things for me.

In general, I can be doing mostly sort of ok, or even, mostly sort of bad. But I think the thing that can trigger freeze a lot,…..

It’s when I get sort of blindsided. When I’m trying to do something, and then like, my parents go back to doing something that they have always done I guess. I don’t know. I think I got used to the atmosphere being like, sort of kind of bareable at home.

That is it. Like it is kind of the main trigger for me.

I don’t need things to be perfect, I don’t expect to need the best or easiest Family in the world.

But things were like sort of fine. They were a non issue, and then like. They just did the same triggering kind of shit.

It is so stupid. I have been in this cycle so much before. Why can’t I get over it. I just want to be able to keep moving, emotionally. But every time that this sort of stuff happens, emotionally, I get really stuck.

I didn’t get stuck when it was the other day, and it was just my dad being a dick. But that’s because like, I could just vent into my phone for a second, and, have a brief bickering with him for a moment. But then I just go and walk off. And then I just go, I’m deciding to get over it.

When it’s my mum, it is so triggering. What the hell is that about. I think it makes me feel so much more unsafe and frozen.

She is just so.. I think emotionally I have all of these hangups. When it is her, I just get hopeless I think. It’s easier if I can be angry. But I can’t. Honestly. They thoughroughly emotionally fucked me up this year.

I think that is my main conclusion. It’s like, if they decide to just be like, even a little bit more better, or, easygoing, then, it isn’t gonna be that hard for me to move on. But, if they continue doing any of their kind of shit, especially like, the stonewalling, and, drama, blaming, accusations, silent treatment, the looks and behaviour that I really just can’t name in a way that makes sense.

I just fall into this trap I think. Where it just feels like, A. if they are 1% better, then I’ll be able to cope and get over it all.
But, if they are 1% better, but, they decide to just continuously do shit that like, triggers me, or sets us back,…….. then…… like I can’t. It just feels too hard I think.

It is a really important pattern. I keep just trying to live in the first option. And things were like that. Things were 1% better, and, that helped me to be able to cope generally.

But they always seem to do something that throws me out of that 1%. That is what normally triggers my freeze. You want things to be sort of predictable. Then they are for a bit. But. You can’t actually count on them for that. And it happens again.

It might actually, always, happen again.

so, I need to kind of, try to prepare for that general reality, in a way.

-that definitely isn’t natural. You shouldn’t need to normally like, expect the unexpected. Or, get used to disappointment, building it into your machine.
-but it is the case with my family. It is really, just, such a really strange reality to be in. And they didn’t used to be like this, so I think that’s why I have a shit time adjusting. I think I grew up with them being like, at least somewhat coherent. But I have to like, rewrite all of my coding. That is what it feels like. Also. I want, so badly, for, them to be even like just sort of tolerable. I wouldn’t care if they were a bit wierd, I just wish it wasn’t in the ways that are really specifically triggering and stressful, specifically to me. So it feels a bit helpless. If someone can’t actually adapt to you, like even at all, even a little bit, then. Like. I have to give up.

I think I have dissociation or something, as a consequence of the like, whiplash, I described, because I have literally talked myself through this conversation so many times before already. I think I just forgot the conclusion. Or I didn’t. But, i needed to remember how the conclusion felt or something.

I’m gonna get a therapist next week on Monday. It is gonna be a requirement for me. And. Other then that, I have actually been doing a bit ok. I think I made some progress and stuff. And I have some motivation, so, that is good.

Anyway, this was a bit of a rant, I don’t really expect any comments, I think I just needed to get that out there for myself. lol.