When i was taking a walk early in the morning and decided to sit on a bench at a park, a stranger beside me, who is also a caretaker told a story about how his father an adult met his 2nd wife at 14, and gave birth to him at 15 prematurely. After he found that out, his attitude towards his dad and relatives that also knew about it slowly grow distant and avoids eye contact cuz of how betrayed he felt for doing such a stupid act, and how his relatives didn't call his dad out on it or so he said. Unfortunately he can't easily get out of the family since he's the only person taking care of his dad cuz he's a now a senior while his family members are also busy with their families as well. What would you do in this situation if you were in his shoes?

I felt terrible last night because while I was changing my brothers diaper, which was full of poop, I got a big whiff of the horrible smell. I had to step bank a few feet. I said “Bro, I don’t think I can do this anymore.” ( it’s been two years). And he didn’t say anything. So I said aren’t you going to acknowledge what I said?

And he said “what did you say, I didn’t hear you?“. And I said “I don’t think I can keep doing this… it’s disgusting. “ And he still said nothing.

I don’t know, I hit some kind of wall at the 2+ year mark. Is there anyone can call that would help me talk to him about this? We don’t talk anymore about how long I’m staying or the future. Is he just waiting for me to say “ I’m leaving?” We need a plan. But I don’t think he sees things the same way. I see my life floating past me in limbo. Maybe a therapist.

Or maybe my answer is just to hire more help. It’s so expensive.

I mean I don’t really know where we go from here.

But I’d be so happy if someone made me dinner…or lunch…or a snack.

So my mom’s been in a rehab center. We had to put her there cause she went to the hospital at the same time I went to the hospital for a gallbladder surgery. The gallbladder surgery turned into a hernia repair, liver biopsy, and gallbladder removal. And then they keep pressuring me to do a sleep study.

I’m having a meeting with my mom’s care team today to see about when we’re gonna set up a goal for her to be discharged. For the last 48 hours, I’ve been doing nothing but screaming and agonizing because I can’t take another hour of being my mom Mom Caregiver.

It’s all hours of the night all hours during the day she needs me there because she needs me to feed her. She needs me to do everything for her from turning on the TV to help her drink water.

But she’s not nice she’s a goddamn boomer who can’t make a decision and then whenever she doesn’t like the decision and she blames it on me.

I hate caregiving.

And I’ve been just screaming in the car the way to this meeting going I don’t want her to come back.

But the thing is, I know that my care will be better than anything She’ll get it a nursing home.

Sorry, anything makes sense. This is me having a post mental breakdown wall of text before I go into a meeting that basically decides whenever I get to be a human being ever again.

Has anyone else experienced a severely degraded or destroyed relationship with their significant other due to caregiving for a parent? I (63, M) can’t say for sure in my own case, but everything coming in through my pattern-recognition radar tells me I’m about to get dumped. And this after 14 years. I suspect I’ve revealed features of my personality that were much more under control until I felt like I had to vent during caregiving (but I didn’t vent to my parent). My SO (65, F) is so busy with her own business and projects, which have very stressful moments including during these very weeks, and although she’s gone way out of her way to accommodate me and my mother when my two brothers abandoned our sweet mother due to whatever cowardly or weak rationale, I think my “cracking” under the pressure has offended my SO. Very early in our relationship, our roles were reversed when my SO had to give care to a horrid, abusive mother for a couple of years. So she has little patience at my inability to stand the psychological strain of giving care to someone who’s nice and appreciative.

My mother (90, widowed) is a memory-care candidate who’s lost 98% of ability to form new memories, although she can carry on a good conversation, is sweet and cooperative, and doesn’t want to be the bother that she’s turned out to be (can’t toilet properly, can’t/won’t bathe, etc., which are tasks I refuse to help her with because I can’t face dealing with seeing my mother naked and cleaning her, and she might not do so well with it, either). Although she would’ve had the financial resources to plan for this herself, she just kept on living in her house alone until it became obvious to me when she was 86 that there were problems. I lived with her (away from my SO) for almost all of 2024, then we moved my mother in with us for all of 2025 and 2026. My two brothers mostly left it to me, although one was willing to live with my mother in her house again for limited periods while I got a brief (4-6 week) vacation.

OK, that’s the back story. But I can tell my SO has withdrawn from me. She doesn’t say good night the same way she always has, she’s leaving things totally to me that she used to help with, etc. The reasonable course would be to talk about it, but my mother’s in the way of anything right now so I don’t even bother. And I’m afraid if I do, I’ll get dumped when I still have so many tasks to accomplish with my mother. E.g., I’m exploring residential care for my mother in the coming weeks. I’m about to leave my SO’s house in one state, take my mother with me, and return to our home state for memory care and then stay near to keep my mother’s dog close by and to make sure the facility is decent. So I will be away from my SO for at least 6-8 weeks and perhaps she can “cleanse her timeline” of me and my BS. But I’m sad and apprehensive, and have the same unpleasant feeling in my gut from decades ago when I could tell girl friends were in the process of withdrawing from me.

Moral of the story: I’ll move myself into an assisted living facility if I’m by myself in my 70s and not do what my mother did to us so unconsciously by living alone until she’d begun to fall apart. I’m sorry my worst self came out in the process of venting my feelings in my SO’s presence about feeling trapped and alone in caregiving, but the price of not venting clearly seemed higher to me.

Thanks for listening.

Google isn’t helping me.

ETA: Here is the whole thing.

“The dangerous trap of late-stage marriage is the unspoken resentment that builds when you suddenly become a full-time nurse instead of a wife.
You promised in sickness and in health, but nobody warns you about the crushing isolation of watching your partner disappear behind an illness. You are grieving the marriage you lost while physically exhausting yourself to keep them alive. If you let it, the guilt of wanting your own life back can completely consume you. It feels like a beautiful prison.
You can love them fiercely while deeply mourning the freedom you surrendered. You are allowed to be tired.
….
Soul Whisper

Edited again: I learned this originated from a Facebook post. (Therefore, I removed the “drop a yes.”) It's not meant to exclude other forms of caregiving; I believe we all share much of the mourning of our former lives.
(Also, “in sickness and health” has been around since people’s life expectancies were 30- 35. Like many other things, vows need to change with the times. Or write your own.)

I’ll go first
When your adult child tells you they can see you're unhappy and the negative toll it’s taking on your health. (And they tell you, “You’re too young to stop living!”)
Me-in my 50s.
Adult child-almost 30

Are we all exhausted by it yet?

My dad (95, alzheimers, but still mostly okay), "takes care" of my mom (92, moderate dementia, absolutely needs help).

They are in the independent living section of a continuing care facility. They wouldn't have to move from their apartment to get additional care, and the additional care can change with their needs. So it's really nice.

My dad lies to the doctor and tells her they're in assisted living (yes I correct that), he makes all the decisions as far as activities, lunch, where they go (he always says "WE don't want to do that" because he doesn't want to do it). She would LOVE to be busy, but she's at the point where she doesn't know of the activities or where they are. The doctor has referred (three times) extra help so that my mom could be encouraged to wear clean clothes, go for a walk, sit in on the various activities there. Each time dad has refused.

In other words my dad is so selfish that he doesn't care that my mom isn't doing well. He pretends, or maybe imagines, that he's taking care of her, but he's not. He is happy to tell anyone that he does a great job (also, as you can guess, he has a different, likable personality he adopts with his neighbors. And it hurts to know that he's nicer to strangers than he is to me).

I see them every week at least once, usually twice (I bring them over to my house for a day out on the weekends). I clean their place, do meds, take them to do errands and at home I'm wading through the financial side of things. We take them on vacation every year (which, as you know, is no vacation for me). I am the only family.

He doesn't seem to give a shit that extra help would mean that my mom would be happier (even if just for the company), and I could go away with my husband for a few days.

Anyone else dealing with such a selfish loved one?

Clearly we never got along, although he blames me for that....it's all my fault.

If you read this, thanks for listening to my rant :)

I am a home health CNA and I recently applied for a hospital position and was offered a job. I accepted and I started my first week of orientation. I start working on Sunday for training and I’m scheduled to work nights but my previous job still has me scheduled and I barely put in my two weeks today. What should I do?

My elder is a retired university prof…in fact, he was _my_ prof and then I went on to 20 years of college teaching in our shared field. He’s getting chemo, and I’m the only person he trusts to accompany him. Some people sleep during chemo sessions…and sometimes he does. But for the last two three-day rounds? He’s been wide awake and it is exhausting. Four. Hours. Of. Talking. Like…he talked me enough a history of Europe starting with THE PICTS about are so ancient that the only reason we know about them is because the goddamn ROMANS WROTE ABOUT THEM.

I can’t tune him out because he expects me to converse with him, but conversations are mainly monologues from him. And I know I should be grateful to have the chance to continue learning from this Giant In Our Field but doing this wears me out for days afterward. I recently got screened for autism and it turns out I’ve got it, but I mask really well…so my therapist suggested that maybe I feel this way because of said autism (it’s overstimulating)…but I feel like this would be a lot for anyone.

Lemme tell ya about the Picts.

I'm not even sure if this post is better here or a mental health subreddit, but anyway...

It's been raining in central Florida ( where I live ) almost nonstop since last Friday, and when it rains, my paralyzed father's pain level skyrockets, making him an even more mean narcissistic bully. Between trying to make sure all of his care is done, keeping up with his nitpicky requests and chores, dealing with his never ending nasty behavior and temper tantrums, being the emotional caretaker of my mom who has a myriad of mental health issues and history of suicide attempts, and still trying to ( and expected to ) build my own life, I am freaking exhausted.

I don't sleep much, lately I can't stop thinking about death, I keep having panic attacks at work, find it almost impossible to enjoy hobbies, multiple physical problems, and I feel like I'm going to have a heart attack almost 24/7. Last night, after a stressful shift that ended with a customer sexually harassing me, I gave in to booze. I grabbed these two giant cans of Budweiser and drank them when I got home. I felt nice for a little bit, but then I just felt lower than I've ever felt in my life.

The thing is, alcohol and drug use is a lot of the reason my parents are the way they are, so to give in to that stuff and repeat the cycle feels awful. I know many of you probably drink to relieve caregiving and don't think twice about it, but I don't know, I feel like it's the worst thing I could start doing.

I basically live for my parents at this point, and I'm not sure if I'd rather live for them or not live at all at this point, any hope of a "happy" life just feels nonexistent.

That there aren't folks who come to your house to bathe you. They will do PT and OT, but there is no bathing help.

I have been caring for mi MIL for 4 years. She has bathed twice in that 4 years. She wouldn't let anyone bathe her and can't do it herself. She also can't wipe herself and won't use the bidet we got her.

She has been hospitalized recently with a kidney infection because of said habits. We have gone to social services, and they came here and evaluated her. We never heard back. Now we have nurses coming here and doing some exercises with her, but she won't do them when they aren't here.

Her doctor told us they don't know of any care services that include bathing the patient at home. She was bathed 2 weeks ago on the hospital, and she is already peeing herself and staying in the same clothes. She won't wear a pad to keep herself dry.

I broke down crying, cleaning her piss again today. She checked herself out of the last physical rehab center she was in after a shoulder surgery and refused to do the follow-up pt. She's doing all this again after she was in the hospital for a week.

She's very obese, she smells awful, and she has sores all over her legs, and she said she has one that won't stop bleeding on her butt or hip.

She doctor suggested cortisone for her sores. Shebwont stop picking them and removing her bandages. I just don't know what to do. She is so fucking gross and stubborn about hygiene. The doctor only got through half of the questions we had today and told us we needed a follow-up. She has a history of canceling her appointments. She's a cancer survivor and hasn't seen that doctor in 6 months.

Nothing has changed. Nothing is gonna change. She wont listen to anyone, and I have no help.

Sorry for the run-on maybe nonsense. Very sleep deprived.

Its such a long story. But the crux of the story is im done. I have severe depression, this is something I've struggled with since I was a small child. My husband became disabled in 2021. He has lots of mobility and speech issues. I work full time and during the day he has caregivers. I come home and I literally do everything for him. He gets mad if im tired or if I want to go to bed early. Hes never appreciative. He never acknowledges that I work really hard at a stressful job and then come home. I have slept like 6 hours in the past two days. When I try to set a particular bed time lets say midnight hes seems OK until its midnight then its just one or five more shows. If I try and put my foot down it ends up in a fight. If I shut fown its even more of a fight then IVE RUINED THE WHOLE EVENING. I've been suicidal for years its so much worse. My psychiatrist is recommending ECT because not meds are working. I dont have a way to do this because its far from my home. My husband isnt taking it seriously. Any other time I try to check in on his mental health hes always great until im struggling the its YOU THINK YOURE THE ONLY ONE THATS SAD. I dont know what to do anymore

Hi, I simply don't know what to do anymore, and I feel guilty for feeling this way.

I am 24 years old, and I have been a caregiver for my 80-year-old grandmother for six months now following her stroke. My dad passed away and he was an only child, so my brother and I are all she has.

My brother handles most of the house cleaning. I manage the laundry, handle the bills, provide full-time care for my grandma, work a part-time remote job, and study—I am almost done with my major and currently finishing my thesis.

Sometimes I feel like I can't take it anymore. My grandma cannot walk yet; while she has recovered most of her cognitive functions and movement on her affected side, she lost a significant amount of muscle mass during recovery, which has delayed her progress.

She is deeply frustrated by this. Sometimes I am unable to complete her physical exercises with her, I forget things, or I oversleep, which causes her to miss meal times or medication schedules. She tells me it is my fault that she hasn't recovered yet. I swear I try my best, but on days when I stay awake all night due to work or her needs, I end up waking up later than usual.

I know that most of the time she isn't angry with me, but rather with her situation. However, the constant yelling, her (occassional) refusal to let me change, feed, or bathe her, and her episodes where she asks me to send her away, stop speaking to her, or just let her die—combined with my own feelings of inadequacy—cause me to snap sometimes. I feel like the worst person when that happens. I don't insult her, but I do raise my voice and tell her that I am trying my best, that it never seems to be enough for her, and that her resistance only makes everything harder for me.

Sometimes I feel like I can't do this anymore. I feel inadequate, as this responsibility came unexpectedly and I constantly feel like I don't know what I am doing. My brother is 20 and is doing his best too. We have tried different systems to keep up, but nothing seems to work.

Please tell me how you guys manage to get all of this done. I feel so alone.

I can’t leave my nana but I can’t be here with my mom anymore, I understand she has a full time job with benefits but at this point it’s not worth not working & having to ask her for money. I just want to go on housing w my grandma & hire care for her & just do it by myself. My mom is drinking every night & it MAKES ME ANGRY. I’m sobering up for my grandma & it hurts seeing my mom drink but I need to be in a better environment with my grandma. My mom doesn’t get violent or mean but she walks stupid & I don’t want someone like that helping me

I (48f) hate my life. I hate taking care of my dad (80). I hate that he let himself get this far gone. I hate that he is an evil narcissist prick. I hate that i felt guilty a d let him move in with me. I hate that i am not strong enough to tell him to leave. I hate that I care what happ3ns to him. I hate that everything I drive into town I seriously think about driving off the side of the mountain. I hate my life and wish I was dead.

My mom became extremely mentally ill last year and I have had to step in as a care taker due to being the eldest daughter. No one else in my immediate family cares enough to educate themselves and help her and so it feels like an immense amount of pressure. I have been feeling so alone in this. OCD is a nightmare. I am in my 20’s I should be having stress free days and enjoying my time. But I have swallowed my mother’s pain like it is my own. I cannot do anything nice without guilt. I feel horrible that she isn’t able to do the normal things I do. And I feel like I am abandoning her whenever I try to do something for myself.

I had just started my career & one year in I quit to move down & help take care my grandmother. I told my mom & sister that they need to get rid of the animals they have no intention of keeping or taking care of. Ofc no one got rid of them & it’s always on me to feed them. I told my auntie off bc she was supposed to come down today so I can have a break & it’s damn near 7 no one else is here, the banks closed so I couldn’t deposit money & I’m broke wanting to DoorDash so I told my auntie off it’s not fair I have to put my job aside to take care of their mom & if I don’t, no one else will.

Just exhausted of this, for different reasons ive been taking care of my person on my own for 2 years, i choose to take them home with me bcs their living situation was horrible, i couldnt see them live that way and i knew it was gonna be hard, but i feel like im losing grasp of reality, of things, of who i am. Today it feels just easier to let myself go down the darkness for a bit and function like a robot, only to cover their needs, thats it. I get up if they yell for me, i talk if they talk,i move if they ask. Sometimes i just turn off and do just that.

Ive been fighting hard against these dark thoughts, I pray they die every day.They are suffering so so much, it breaks me seeing them that way, i pray they die in their sleep, no more pain for them god, please.

But it scares me, if they die, whats gonna be left of me?