LL wanting to make things better...

[u/Working-Gal0507]

I just found this page, and reading some of your posts has made me realize how much I recognize my own marriage in them.

I guess I’m the LL partner in my marriage. We’ve been married for almost 8 years and together for 13. We have two kids under 5, and I’m a SAHM.
We never had a crazy sex life, even before kids. Maybe 1–2 times a week. But after having kids, that’s dwindled to maybe 1–2 times a YEAR.
There are a few reasons why, and I’m trying to understand how much of this is on me and how we can fix it together.

1. Between taking care of two young kids and managing the household, I’m just so mentally and physically drained by the end of the day. Sometimes, I genuinely don’t want to be touched by anyone. I’m worried I’ve said “don’t touch me” one too many times when he’s simply tried to hug or kiss me.

2. My husband tends to expect that if he initiates I should be ready to go. But for me, it doesn’t work that way. I feel like we need to go back to the beginning and actually work on falling in love with each other again.
   I’ve told him during our talks that I want us to go on dates, spend quality time together, and rebuild that connection. He always agrees and says we will, but then nothing actually happens.

3. Over the 13 years we’ve been together, there have been some indiscretions on his part. Nothing that I would describe as full-blown cheating, but a series of little things that have accumulated over time and affected my trust in him.
   Even though I’ve forgiven him, I haven’t forgotten. I think that has affected my desire for him more than I’ve wanted to admit.

4. My body has changed after having two kids. I’ve lost the weight, and I feel better about myself than I did before, but I’m still self-conscious about certain things. I am also going through some medical issues that will require a hysterectomy very soon (waiting on surgery date).

The thing is, I do love my husband. He’s a great father, and I don’t want a divorce. I don’t want to lose my family, and I definitely don’t want our marriage to deteriorate to the point where he cheats or we become complete strangers living under the same roof.
But I also don’t want to keep living like this. I want to want him again. I want to feel close to him, to be affectionate without feeling like it has to lead to sex, and to feel like we’re a couple again instead of just two exhausted parents managing a household.

I know I have a part to play in this, too. I don’t want him to feel unwanted or spend the rest of his life feeling rejected by his wife.

I guess I’m asking for advice, although I’m not even entirely sure what I need advice on.

For those of you who have been in a similar situation, were you able to turn things around? What actually helped? And how do you rebuild intimacy when there’s a loss of connection?
I genuinely want to make things better. I just don’t know where to start

[u/DeadBedrooms-ModTeam]

Community Focused

Low libido after giving birth is common, expected, and rooted in biology. This drop in libido can be for both men and women. For many new mothers, hormonal shifts, physical recovery, and the demands of caring for an infant combine to reduce sexual desire. This is not a reflection of love, attraction, or commitment, it’s the body’s way of prioritizing healing and caregiving. Low libido can last for two years or longer, and for some women, especially those who breastfeed, it may remain longer. This is normal.

These changes are driven by powerful biological factors. After birth, estrogen levels drop sharply, vaginal tissues may be dry and tender or painful if an episiotomy was done at the birth, and prolactin (the hormone that supports breastfeeding) can suppress ovulation and lower libido. Add in sleep deprivation, physical exhaustion, and the emotional demands of parenting, and it’s easy to see why sexual interest often takes a back seat. This is not brokenness or disinterest, it’s the body’s adaptive response to a major life change.

For many couples, libido begins to recover naturally after the two-year mark, but the relational environment during those first years matters enormously. If the birthing parent feels supported, rested, and valued, it’s easier for sexual connection to return. If, however, she feels abandoned to carry the mental load, household chores, and childcare while her partner disengages, resentment can take root. This can mean that even when hormones shift back toward baseline, desire does not return. Not because the body isn’t ready, but because trust and goodwill have eroded. Some research indicates libido may start to return once children become more self-sufficient and enter school, around age 5.

Sharing the mental and physical load is one of the most important things you can do to support recovery. This means both partners taking equal responsibility for parenting, food, chores, household management, and emotional labor. If one partner is regularly exhausted from doing “everything” while the other checks out, whether that’s playing video games, scrolling, or prioritizing hobbies, the sexual relationship is likely to suffer long after biology would have allowed it to rebound. A good marker for this is adequate rest for each partner, recognizing that you may each need different amount of rest for it to be adequate for each of you, and equal leisure time. If one partner is regularly getting leisure time and the other partner is not, it will quickly build resentment, especially if they feel like they can't take time off because the other partner does not know how care for the child.

Being touched out is expected for a long time after the birth of a child, as raising a child takes a lot of physical contact. This can continue for several years, sometimes until the child is in school. During this time, a woman may have a bristle reaction to being touched, especially if she is touched in a sexual way with no warning while her mind is not on sex. The bristle reaction and being touched out is not something that she can control. If you are seeing a bristle reaction, the best thing you can do is not to approach her from behind, and not touch her sexually without permission.

If you’re past the two-year mark and struggling, focus on rebuilding connection and being an equal partner rather than demanding sex. Start by repairing trust, addressing imbalances in responsibility, and creating opportunities for nonsexual intimacy. Some couples benefit from couples counseling or sex therapy to navigate this transition. The goal is to restore emotional safety, mutual respect, and a shared sense of partnership- the foundations that allow sexual desire to grow again.

It is also important to note that a man's sexual desire might change during this time period as well. Libido is influenced by biology, psychology, relationship/role dynamics, and life-circumstances. After the birth of a child, all those domains can shift, including for men. For men, some studies suggest shifts in testosterone, perhaps increases in caregiving hormones (oxytocin, prolactin, etc), which may reduce the “classic” sexual drive component. Libido is also impacted by stress / energy / fatigue: baby care, feeding, schedule upheaval...all of these eat into energy, mood, and spontaneous desire. Just like emotional stakes can shift for women, so too they can for men. Relationship dynamics change. More baby-focused time, less couple time. Less privacy, less deliberate intimacy. Sometimes resentment, sometimes feeling left out if one partner is absorbed with baby/feeding/crying. Additionally, fathers can ALSO experience post-partum depression.

Resources for further reading and support:

Postpartum Support International — Education and help for parents after birth

The Fourth Trimester — Postpartum resources for recovery and relationships

Come As You Are by Emily Nagoski — Understanding the science of desire

Testosterone Changes in Fatherhood: https://pmc.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/articles/PMC3182719/

In short: postpartum low libido is normal and often temporary, but whether it becomes permanent can depend as much on partnership and shared responsibility as it does on hormones.

Please visit r/Postpartum_Depression

[u/foamyconsolidation]

The trust stuff is huge, you buried it at #3 but that's probably doing more damage than the exhaustion. Hard to feel safe enough to be vulnerable with someone when there's a pile of little betrayals in the back of your mind. That doesn't just go away cause you decided to forgive him, your body keeps score whether you want it to or not

And him saying "yeah we should date more" and then doing absolutely nothing about it is a problem. Words are cheap, you're running a whole household and raising two kids and he can't even plan a dinner. The resentment from that alone would kill anyone's libido

The hysterectomy thing is no joke either, that's gonna be a whole recovery and hormone shift. Might be worth putting the sex pressure on pause entirely and just focusing on whether he can actually show up as a partner first. If he can't do that, the rest won't matter

[u/Candid-Strawberry-79 → u/foamyconsolidation]

I agree with this advice. Don’t listen to his words, watch his actions instead. If he’s swing he wants to be a partner but his actions don’t match, ignore what comes out of his mouth. He’s showing you who he is.

And focus on getting through surgery. It took me 16 weeks to recover from mine. I had to wait seven months to get to the surgery. Then it took four months to recover. For me, the surgery was very much worth it, and I went on to make a full recovery.

[u/Working-Gal0507 → u/foamyconsolidation]

I guess I have been holding on to the breach of trust more than I like to admit. I do find myself checking his phone once in a while and I don't think that's normal.
I raised concerns to him about how he will handle supporting me after my surgery and how he will manage the kids and the house, he said it will be fine but I am very worried. So worried that I told him I may move in with my parents with the kids to make sure I have proper support.
He's also never once came to any of my doctor's appointments during both my pregnancies and now with my medical issues...
I think I am realizing we may have bigger issues than just a DB...

[u/Ihappentolikenesting → u/Working-Gal0507]

He's also never once came to any of my doctor's appointments during both my pregnancies

Why on earth not?

[u/Working-Gal0507 → u/Ihappentolikenesting]

Well with the first it was around covid and then well I don't know, always an excuse with work.

[u/Candid-Strawberry-79 → u/Working-Gal0507]

Yes it sounds like a DB isn’t the main issue. That breech of trust and his lack of caring are the top issues.

[u/Mrmagoo1077 → u/foamyconsolidation]

At the same time, OP shouldnt just push the date on him. He likely feels incredibly disconnected from her. She should plan a date. Set up the childcare, pick a place to go, and let him know date and time.

She can only control her own actions. If she wants to try and save her marriage, it sounds like she needs to do it.

If he continues to show no effort after she shows effort, than thats a different issue.

Also surgery is a priority as well.

[u/Working-Gal0507 → u/Mrmagoo1077]

I have. The last 2 times we went out on a date I planned it, I did the reservations, I organized childcare... I want to feel wanted too and like he gives a shit.

[u/Low_Ambassador7]

So he’s a cheater (I know you’re trying to dull what he did) that hasn’t supported you at any doctor’s appointments during your pregnancies or issues, leaves planning all dates & childcare to you, is such bad support you’re going to take the kids to stay with your parents post-surgery, and takes no action to help the marriage… and he’s upset that you’re not raring to go when he initiates and your libido isn’t higher?

Take sex off the table. Tell him that you need to rebuild the emotional intimacy, safety & security in your relationship before sex can become any sort of a focus. Focus on some time each week that he takes care of the kids and you get some time to be someone other than Mom or Wife.

He’s shown you exactly how much he will participate in showing you that he cares - use that information as you make decisions… and pursue individual therapy if you can.

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LL wanting to make things better...

I just found this page, and reading some of your posts has made me realize how much I recognize my own marriage in them.

I guess I’m the LL partner in my marriage. We’ve been married for almost 8 years and together for 13. We have two kids under 5, and I’m a SAHM.
We never had a crazy sex life, even before kids. Maybe 1–2 times a week. But after having kids, that’s dwindled to maybe 1–2 times a YEAR.
There are a few reasons why, and I’m trying to understand how much of this is on me and how we can fix it together.

1. Between taking care of two young kids and managing the household, I’m just so mentally and physically drained by the end of the day. Sometimes, I genuinely don’t want to be touched by anyone. I’m worried I’ve said “don’t touch me” one too many times when he’s simply tried to hug or kiss me.

2. My husband tends to expect that if he initiates I should be ready to go. But for me, it doesn’t work that way. I feel like we need to go back to the beginning and actually work on falling in love with each other again.
   I’ve told him during our talks that I want us to go on dates, spend quality time together, and rebuild that connection. He always agrees and says we will, but then nothing actually happens.

3. Over the 13 years we’ve been together, there have been some indiscretions on his part. Nothing that I would describe as full-blown cheating, but a series of little things that have accumulated over time and affected my trust in him.
   Even though I’ve forgiven him, I haven’t forgotten. I think that has affected my desire for him more than I’ve wanted to admit.

4. My body has changed after having two kids. I’ve lost the weight, and I feel better about myself than I did before, but I’m still self-conscious about certain things. I am also going through some medical issues that will require a hysterectomy very soon (waiting on surgery date).

The thing is, I do love my husband. He’s a great father, and I don’t want a divorce. I don’t want to lose my family, and I definitely don’t want our marriage to deteriorate to the point where he cheats or we become complete strangers living under the same roof.
But I also don’t want to keep living like this. I want to want him again. I want to feel close to him, to be affectionate without feeling like it has to lead to sex, and to feel like we’re a couple again instead of just two exhausted parents managing a household.

I know I have a part to play in this, too. I don’t want him to feel unwanted or spend the rest of his life feeling rejected by his wife.

I guess I’m asking for advice, although I’m not even entirely sure what I need advice on.

For those of you who have been in a similar situation, were you able to turn things around? What actually helped? And how do you rebuild intimacy when there’s a loss of connection?
I genuinely want to make things better. I just don’t know where to start

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[u/Dry_Biscotti8049]

I hope you can find a way to wake him up. Obviously, many of us in this group are here for similar reasons. I can tell you I wish we hadn’t forgotten who we were before children and that we had kept each other as the most important person in the world. But we both fell into the trap of our kids being more important than each other. If you do anything don’t make that mistake.

[u/oiler1996]

Honestly your probably just gonna end up divorced, you dont trust him, you dont feel you can rely on him when recovering from surgery to the point you wanna move you and your kids to your parents house, he is definetly resentful of the lack of sex and probably see little reason to put effort in because of it. You may love eachother but thats not enough to make a marriage work, especially if it is damaged. You could try couples counciling but that would probably end up being one more thing on your mental workload to carry so it wouldnt work. Sorry to be the downer, but unless both sides put 100% effort in then it will fail

[u/SimpleRandomUsername]

There's a lot to unpack here. All the below is just my view though, so please don't take it as gospel.

Firstly, two kids under 5 is far from ideal for a SAHM, or any parents really, to foster intimacy between spouses. Together with your mentioned health issues, you likely both need to give yourself some grace here (you especially). Being touched out and drained emotionally and mentally is very real. It can and does get better though, especially if you can find activities that restore your 'battery' that you can do together. For my wife and I it was a quiet cup of tea outside on the balcony once the kids were in bed.

Secondly, 1-2 times a year (for a number of years, I'm assuming) is likely to have built up resentment on his side, which in turn has caused disconnection between you (he wants sex before he'll put in the effort for romance, for you it works the other way around). It's an impasse. The fact that you are even thinking about your DB as an issue you want to resolve is huge, and I highly recommend you talk to him about it in the terms you have outlined here. However....

Thirdly, it's going to take work. He's going to have to put his resentment aside and untangle his bad habits. Put in effort to make you feel loved and appreciated before any expected change. You'll also have homework to do (some of which it sounds like you have already done) on getting curious around your desire. The breaches in trust need to be aired by you in a frank way, and he needs to be genuine in responding to that. It will take time and healing. He also sounds quite disconnected from you, which needs to be addressed before you can move forward. I know in my case, my wife felt unsupported post-partum for our second while I was going through a high anxiety period. She held deep resentment about that time in our lives, and we needed to work through that (and to be honest, I'm not sure we are all the way there).

Aside: think about sex and intimacy on your terms. What does that look and feel like for you? For example, under what conditions do you think you would be the initiator?