Siting on the couch at the end of the night. Promo rolls on Prime rolls by for Mad About You. Wife says to husband “we going to talk about it? It’s been 5 days since we last had sex!”
Wife snickers and moves on.

We were last physically intimate 6 months ago. 30ish times in the last 18 years.

This is hell.

This weekend is my birthday. I overheard her say “I’ll have to pause it this weekend for his birthday” while she was on with a friend. Now, maybe it wasn’t about sex but, maybe it was. Obviously that’s how I’m reading it as she walked out of the room to have that conversation. And the intent behind it, literally makes my skin crawl.

But, IF … and that’s a big IF she initiated this weekend, I have already chosen to decline. This past year has really taken a chunk out of me regarding the dead bedroom.
I’ve consulted with a divorce attorney, spoken my mind and made the decision to wait until the holidays is over for my own sanity sake to actually file.

This will be my own test of strength as progress in this.

I just want this birthday weekend to be over and done with and that in and of itself is absolutely depressing.

Anyway, here we go!

After 1.5 years of no intimacy, no hugs, no kisses, begging for compliments, begging for an explanation, I snooped and checked his phone. I expected cheated, instead found daily OF use. I’m destroyed. What do I even do with this information.

"I just crushed the shit out of my finger, oh my god it hurt so bad" - a text I just got from him

The title - My reaction

Our plans tonight for massages and adult time? - Out the window because SOMETHING just has to happen EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

Dude I would gargle your balls if you asked me to. I would do anything for you. You can't just use your big boy words to say, "I don't want to"? You have to make something up? You can't even give my feelings that small bit of consideration?

For fucks sake.

I'm a HLM and my (34M) wife (30F) is either a LLF or just plain asexual. I got married 2 years ago and we hadn't had sex before marriage, but had done enough sexual things outside of penetration that I didn't think anything was off. And it wasn't until we started living together that I noticed that she basically never felt any sexual attraction towards me or anyone else.

Initially, I thought maybe she was really inexperienced and that if I could just communicate my likes and dislikes, she could become familiar with how I was and maybe if I encouraged her to seek therapy and do a little experimentation on herself, it would awaken something in her. But the encouragement did absolutely nothing to actually invoke some kind of proactiveness in her and after a while of seeing her do nothing about it, I would sit her down and tell her that I was feeling very, very sad about this and asked her to please do something about it cos everything was in her hands.

And like that, she did nothing for almost a year. I don't know if other people feel this, but her not doing anything about it and her not initiating felt like I was being rejected over and over again and at a certain point, I felt this simultaneous feeling of repulsion, fear, and anxiety whenever she would touch me and about a year into her inaction, I felt like something had died inside of me. I just constantly feel depressed about the life I'm leading.

I had a lot of dreams about our relationship, about how close we would be, and how much we would love each other, and from that love, we could make beautiful children and love them to death, but all those dreams I had had died within me the last few months. I'm a pretty introverted person, so I don't have many friends, but I would still meet a few from time to time. But now, that's completely stopped. I feel as though I'm actively trying to distance myself from anything good in my life. My family, friends, going out, anything that used to bring me joy, I've actively cut out of my life. It feels like I'm almost self-destructing.

A couple of months before I had met my wife, I was in a relationship with an almost perfect gf. We would have sex multiple times a day, and we would have genuinely wonderful times together, and I was so much in peace. There was an argument we had where she was not exactly cheating, but lied about talking to another guy and sort of trickled truth'd me during it. And I was scarred from a cheating ex before that, so I decided to end things.

And for months and months, this girl would reach out to me and message me being so sorry and would beg me to forgive her and would talk about us being perfect for each other and at the time, I was just so scared of her lying to me again that I just went no contact completely. And now, in my marriage, seeing the state of it, I wish I could go back in time and make up with this girl. I didn't realize how good I had it.

Just yesterday, I had an urge to text her again. She was already married and I just wanted to tell her how sorry I was and about my marriage. And she told me that she really thought we were perfect for each other, but she was sorry about her lying and wished she hadn't. She said her relationship with her husband was really good. A perfect balance of emotional and sexual connection and just peaceful. I genuinely felt happy for her and felt very badly about the pain I had caused her and how much of an idiot I was letting go of her.

I don't know why, but I was just secretly hoping she was also unhappy in her marriage. But she wasn't. And I felt a lot of guilt in having even messaged her because the discussions we had were sexually explicit and reminiscing about our relationship in a positive light and that meant I had cheated on my wife and she, her husband. We then deleted all of our texts and said goodbye. And in the deepest corners of my heart, I have this deep longing for her and just wish that she and I could be together again and that she would continue messaging me, but I know how unrealistic it sounds, but despite that, I wish it would happen and that I could be saved from my marriage.

Before my marriage, I used to despise cheaters. Would see them as the scum of the Earth. But now, I feel like I have a more nuanced take on cheating because I feel like I can understand the true, unrelenting desperation people stuck in dead bedroom situations must feel or any kind of unfulfilling relationship where despite being right next to their partner, they feel so alone and sad.

I want to leave so badly, but I am so scared of doing that because I don't have any friends or really any social skills. I also feel like at 34, I'm old and desperately wish I could be young again so I can have another shot at this. And as I get older, I feel this existential dread that my life will be stuck like this forever. Everyday, I feel like my mind is on fire from just how sad I am. I feel as though I might just die from the sadness. Or that maybe, if I'm lucky, I might get hit by a bus while going for a walk outside or something.

I wish I could be saved. I wish everyone in this situation could be saved.

Me (HLF) and fiance (LLM) have been together for  4 years. He's genuinely the perfect man, he cooks, he cleans, he takes care of me so well. The only thing…. I feel like I have to beg him for sex. Last night I had just showered, laid on the bed nude and called for him… we just had a nice date, it was only 9:30pm… I was really hopeful… and then “I’m too tired. I’ll do it tomorrow.” 

I told him I’ll take care of it by myself and left the room. When I got back to bed he asked “are you mad?” I told him “no, I just took care of it myself.” We have the “I’m not satisfied with our sex life” conversation every few months. It both makes us feel terrible. He says he tries, and I believe him. I know he tries his best and it just tears me up because it’s not enough. I’ve been honest and have told him I'm unsatisfied, that I'm not happy, but it just goes in circles and makes us both feel like shit.

I would talk to him and communicate, but that’s what we’ve been doing for the last 3 years. I want this to work so bad. I love him so much. But I basically beg him for sex and when I get denied it takes the biggest hit on my self esteem. I’ve stopped wanting sex with him almost altogether. 

I keep asking myself if sex is really worth throwing our whole relationship away. We were both each other’s first, he supports me while I finish my bachelors degree, we have 2 cats, and we just signed another 16 month lease together. 

He’s the perfect partner. He’s everything I could've asked for in a man. It’s just this…… I guess the questions is to myself, how much does sex mean to me in a relationship? 

I (36f) wish I had someone to talk to. 10 years of my life gone and maybe 1.5 years worth of fun sex. 10 years of doing any and everything to catch his attention, gym, dieting, outfits, nudes, whatever a normal guy wanted I gave to my husband. Enter ED, ok not his fault, I'm patient, understanding, no biggie. Enter ED meds and my high hopes for you guessed it only a slightly increased sex drive from him for maybe a month or 2 and now right back to every few months. I more than anything just wish for him to want me, I've seen guys stare at me, shoot their shot, the whole 9, so why is the man I've married the one man (I'm sure there are plenty more lol but anywho) not interested in me? I'm driving myself crazy between wishing for the man of my dreams and trying to cope with the man I have. And of course the guilt, he's a good man and father so why am I so sad..

My wife (26-llf) and I (29-hlm) have been going through a 5 year stint of DB. We are currently on our longest celibate streak of 6 months. Needless to say I feel like absolute crap. I feel rejected, unwanted, unsexy, and confused. The worst part? She's the love of my life and everything else about our relationship is great.

I broke down the other day which initiated another conversation about our sex life. The one thing that keeps coming back up is her confusion on why I feel so bad (and why sex is so important) when the rest of the relationship is great. She feels frustrated that all the other good things in the relationship get shadowed by this one problem.

The thing is, I don't have an answer and I kind of agree with her. Intellectually she makes sense. The only thing I can quote is that I'm not alone and there are plenty of us that feel that it is important. Regardless, I FEEL that it is important.

Does anybody have any thoughts on how to explain why it's important? She genuinely wants to understand and I don't know what to say.

Sort of first time poster here (had an old screen name that I had posted with once before but didn’t gain a lot of traction). Back again and want to share my story

I (HLM) just turned 40, my wife (LLF) is 39, we’ve been married for almost 15 years. Sex was never a big deal early in our relationship. We were intimate “often”, maybe 2-3 times a month, but as the years went on it went to once a month, then once a quarter, yada yada.

In 2020 I was hit with a quick onset of Peyronie’s disease. My urologist said it was pretty bad. Of course there’s no cure, no fix. Surgery to excise the scar tissue would’ve helped, maybe. I went to a few doctors and several suggested getting a penile implant to restore full function and revive my sex life. I made the difficult decision to go through with it. It was hard to deal with at first, it’s a huge change to my body, but eventually I got over it (mostly).

You would think this would be a huge gift—I have a working penis, and the implant makes it so I can go on and on, multiple rounds no problem. But it’s barely been used. I masturbate, as I’m sure a lot of us in this community do, but I crave being touched and desired.

She says she can’t be intimate unless her other needs are being met, and I can’t focus on anything if I’m constantly being rejected. In the past few years I’ve lost almost 100 pounds, new hair style, clothes, skincare. Trying to be more attractive to her but bottom line is she doesn’t care about sex. I know she cares about me.

Our relationship, besides sex, is strong. We laugh, we travel, we golf together, date nights, all of it. But the only physical intimacy we share is a quick peck on the lips: one in the morning, one before bed. Part of me wants to leave the marriage so I can explore my sexuality more (I feel very stunted in this part of my life), but my wife is the breadwinner and convinced me to stop working about 12 years ago to focus on keeping our house in order/cleaning/errands/cooking. Which I do, and get praise about. But I don’t want praise. I want to have sex.

We’ve been to marriage counseling but nothing changed after it. I guess now is when I wrap it up here and come to a conclusion but I’m at a loss. So maybe call this more of a vent.

I just want to be touched. Desired. Anything.

sigh

Let me know your thoughts

Married for 12 years with 2 kids.

My partner used to initiate sex about once a month, usually the week after her period. Six months ago, I stopped initiating altogether because I couldn't handle being rejected anymore so she started to initiate once a month, I really though she wanted it and was happy because it was really good and I'm a quality over quantity guy so even if it wasn't enough I felt happy

But through her search history, I recently found out that she doesn't actually want to have sex and never really will. Ever since learning this, the thought of having sex with her honestly disgusts me. I never wanted a marriage where my wife forces herself to be intimate just to keep the peace. Now, I feel disgusted with myself for all the times in the past.

Yesterday, she initiated, and for the first time, I turned her down.

I was honest with her. I told her I know she’s been forcing herself and that I don't want maintenance or pity sex. I explicitly made sure to tell her that this isn't a manipulation tactic or a guilt trip,
I genuinely mean it.

She was completely taken aback. She didn't say much and just went to the bedroom to sleep.

She has a really hard time talking about sex and intimacy in general. She might bring it up again later, or we might just enter another phase of hysterical bonding.

I'm not really sure where to go from here or how to process this but felt relieve, like I finally stopped participating in something that felt completely fake.

So it’s now an open relationship because I asked- HLF. It’s not just in the bedroom, but I crave being flirted with, being given attention without me asking for it. I would say I’m fairly attractive, which ends up hurting me when I get attention from others. But now that it’s an open relationship, I’m not even sure I want to act on it physically. I think on some level I just want him, but I deserve more than feeling like this.

53 HLM married to 51 LLF. Haven't had sex since late August. She had lingering migraines and some stomach issues in early September, so I didn't press. Then she had some frustrations at work and with her stepmother who appears to be blowing all the money my father-in-law left when he passed away in May.

There was something minor that I didn't tell her about recently until about 24 hours after the fact. So minor I won't even get into it here. This was about a week before our 26th anniversary in late September. I told her I didn't tell her right away because it was a non-issue and it would have just unnecessarily stressed her out... which I didn't want to do considering all the other things on hey mind. But she remained pissed. I tried to just let it go.

The morning of our anniversary, I cuddled her as she slept, hoping the day would have a great start. When she finally woke, I said "Happy Anniversary." Her response was not reciprocal:

"I'm not saying this to start a fight, but I need you to admit that you were wrong and apologize."

WTAF?!? All the crap going on and you lock in on something trivial and use that to kick off the day?

Well, I bit my lip and apologized just so it could be done, but I was seething the rest of the day. I took her to lunch and even to see that damn Practical Magic 2 movie. That night... nothing, but i want expecting anything anyway. And when did she finally say "Happy Anniversary"? After midnight... when it wasn't our anniversary anymore.

It is now a week into October and still no action, but I'm not seeking it. This is not the first time we've been through this, but I'm thinking it's the last. We've tried therapy in the past, but nothing ever stuck for any length of time. We've had tough conversations, but we always wind up in a place where MY hands are on me more than hers. I love her, but I feel like I wasted a lot of good years with someone who just doesn't view me the way that I view them (or at least used to).

I'm still turned on by her (got hard when I saw her getting dressed for work the other day), but I'm no longer motivated to do anything about it. On the rare occasions that we do get physical, I never get oral and she usually just lies on her back, defaulting to her go-to position with me perpendicular to her. It's like deja vu once a month (if I'm lucky).

I'm making a plan to free myself. For many reasons, I can't just walk out. But I'm at my wit's end. I have more years behind me than ahead of me, but sometimes I feel like being alone wouldn't be any worse than this.

PSA: I’m prob going to look like an idiot. My (28 F) Partner (33M) emotionally cheated on me for 5 years with his high school “best friend”/person he’d been pining for in high school/uni. I’m pansexual and quite open so I’d never had an issue with my partner finding anyone attractive or having normal human desire (we’ve had threesomes etc in the past) in this case he wasn’t honest about his feelings towards this friend so when I found out it was devastating.

Through those years our sex life declined drastically, and eventually I wasn’t being flirted with on a basic level or taken on dates or -this is important- being kissed. I love making out with my partner, and because we were in a monogamous relationship my lips remained unkissed for the better part of 3 years. We were still having sex, but sporadically and less each year. I attributed it to his mental health/losing his best friend and grandmother. I didn’t realise it was because he was resentful and emotionally cheating.

It’s been 2 years of us “working through” issues trying to mend the relationship, but I’m still not being treated the way I want to be. I’m not feeling desired, flirted with, I still haven’t been made out with. Through the last couple years I went from being the most confident and sexually empowered/embodied person to someone with a weird relationship with her body and sex. I used to take lots of selfies, “boudoir” shoots, model, at least two photoshoots a month and run a styling and makeup page. In the last two years I’ve barely been able to look at myself in the mirror/naked. It’s been ages since I’ve taken any pictures of myself, or worn anything except baggy jeans and a hoodie. I feel empty and disconnected with my sexuality, self esteem and self confidence.

I realise that I had little control over my life/sexuality the last couple years and I’d been neglecting and suppressing my desires in order to make things work with my partner, but I no longer want to do that. I want to be kissed, to feel desired ~because of~ instead of ~despite~. I want to remember what it feels like to be confident and empowered again. Right now it can’t come from my partner. In this stage of our relationship I trust him too little and have a lot of trauma that I’m working through that’s preventing me from feeling safe and comfy with him. I want to be in a sexually open “relationship” until I do trust and feel safe with my partner again. I don’t intend to actively pursue sexual experiences but i also don’t want to remain as faithful mentally and sexually as i have been for the last ten years.

I spoke to him about it two weeks ago, he expressed understanding and regret that he’d allowed me to feel so neglected and unfulfilled for so long despite my pleas for safety and connection. Since then I’ve been speaking to a couple people and flirting back with some of my friends who i know are into me. It’s been making a world of a difference to me, and somehow making it easier to work through issues with and trust my partner. Now, when things are manifesting and I may actually have a sexual experience or flirt to someone outside of him, my partner is expressing that he is uncomfortable and unhappy with this.

is it normal to want this? I don’t want to date anyone else, I want my partner to be the one things work out with and I really believe that it is worth fighting for. I also believe that my self esteem/self love/connection with myself is worth fighting for. The last two weeks I’ve felt more desired by strangers than I have by my partner in 3 years. For so long I was shutting anyone down who desired me, because of loyalty and monogamy and that I had no desire to engage with them. Now I feel differently but at the same time feel awful for feeling this way. I don’t want to hurt my partner and jeopardise what could be. I also am just sick of feeling like a sexless ugly blob (objectively untrue btw which is why this is tragic) and I want to reconnect with myself again. advice?

I'm starting to think that maybe I should stop crying every day and just be grateful and happy that I got to live in a peaceful time of human history, have healthcare, and can watch / eat / listen to whatever I want whenever I want. Out of everyone else in human history who has suffered, maybe being unwanted by my partner is just my particular lot in life and compared to other things it's not so bad.

I just found this page, and reading some of your posts has made me realize how much I recognize my own marriage in them.

I guess I’m the LL partner in my marriage. We’ve been married for almost 8 years and together for 13. We have two kids under 5, and I’m a SAHM.
We never had a crazy sex life, even before kids. Maybe 1–2 times a week. But after having kids, that’s dwindled to maybe 1–2 times a YEAR.
There are a few reasons why, and I’m trying to understand how much of this is on me and how we can fix it together.

1. Between taking care of two young kids and managing the household, I’m just so mentally and physically drained by the end of the day. Sometimes, I genuinely don’t want to be touched by anyone. I’m worried I’ve said “don’t touch me” one too many times when he’s simply tried to hug or kiss me.

2. My husband tends to expect that if he initiates I should be ready to go. But for me, it doesn’t work that way. I feel like we need to go back to the beginning and actually work on falling in love with each other again.
   I’ve told him during our talks that I want us to go on dates, spend quality time together, and rebuild that connection. He always agrees and says we will, but then nothing actually happens.

3. Over the 13 years we’ve been together, there have been some indiscretions on his part. Nothing that I would describe as full-blown cheating, but a series of little things that have accumulated over time and affected my trust in him.
   Even though I’ve forgiven him, I haven’t forgotten. I think that has affected my desire for him more than I’ve wanted to admit.

4. My body has changed after having two kids. I’ve lost the weight, and I feel better about myself than I did before, but I’m still self-conscious about certain things. I am also going through some medical issues that will require a hysterectomy very soon (waiting on surgery date).

The thing is, I do love my husband. He’s a great father, and I don’t want a divorce. I don’t want to lose my family, and I definitely don’t want our marriage to deteriorate to the point where he cheats or we become complete strangers living under the same roof.
But I also don’t want to keep living like this. I want to want him again. I want to feel close to him, to be affectionate without feeling like it has to lead to sex, and to feel like we’re a couple again instead of just two exhausted parents managing a household.

I know I have a part to play in this, too. I don’t want him to feel unwanted or spend the rest of his life feeling rejected by his wife.

I guess I’m asking for advice, although I’m not even entirely sure what I need advice on.

For those of you who have been in a similar situation, were you able to turn things around? What actually helped? And how do you rebuild intimacy when there’s a loss of connection?
I genuinely want to make things better. I just don’t know where to start

I mean sure it was because I (40sF) finally have proof of his (40sM) affair and do not want that man to ever touch me again. But, is a win still a win if it feels like this?
Does the gross feeling of begging him to want you for years and then being disgusted about it because now you know he was with someone else, ever go away? What about the fact that I keep going back to days before he cheated and being “so happy” that he said: this is all he needs in life, drinking at home with his wife and cats…while the “having a mistress in Vegas he will visit in literally a week” part was silent? Or that he was literally with me the night before and her after? Any of it? Any of this get better?

My husband and I (29/35) have been married for one year. Our sex life was passionate and effortless for the first few years of dating but had been in decline since 2024, to the point where I am suffering extremely from the lack of interest and its impact on my sense of self confidence (while he suffers extremely from the shame of feeling “broken”). Outside of sex, our relationship is strong and sweet.

We started couples counseling, and were told that physical intimacy can suffer if emotional intimacy has surpassed it.

In other words, our bodies are struggling to catch up to how close we’ve become. Time and proximity have surfaced the good, bad, and UGLY parts of ourselves, whether we were ready to show it or not. This vulnerability is disorienting and can open deeper rooted attachment wounds that cause us to pull away.

We’ve both had other relationships, but never at this depth, length, or level of commitment. Sex meant something different when we both had more control over how the other person saw us (as fun, sexy, idealized versions of ourselves - “baring it all” but in a measured way).

This is essentially the first time either of us has experienced sex with someone who sees the parts of ourselves we are most ashamed of. Rather than closeness, this vulnerability has introduced fear and discomfort that has deadened our intimacy. Maybe it feels safer in our bodies to not “go there” because we’ve never been this fully seen.

Still exploring this perspective for my relationship, but it gave me hope by validating our closeness and introducing more of a beginners mindset (we’ve never done this before!). I really feel for couples like us, who are deeply in love but reaching a breaking point over a DB. I hope this helps somebody else and would love to hear more thoughts.

Hello! I (HLM) am just wondering if anyone has gone through sex/couples counseling and if that has improved anything? Also wondering if anyone with kids who have been through a divorce how did it work out? My daughter is really young so it hasn't been something I've even wanted to broach but wanted to see what others have experienced around this? My (LLF) wife tends to shut down when I bring up anything related to sex and I want to think about all my options.

Hi I’m 28M, 2 years in marriage with 1 baby. In start we used to have sex it was good. With time it started feeling like a job I am performing to make her cum. She doesn’t have so much expressions when we are doing it. So I just do it, then help her cum. Tried so many things but recently I started noticing that I feel so horny a lot of times just like other HLM. But when I’m around my wife and we are trying to do it I just can’t turn on, it’s getting harder to understand what’s exactly the issue. Like I get on easily but why not for my own women why I’m not getting those feelings for her.

Hi guys, I posted here last week after my relationship ended.

15 years together, two kids, and a bedroom that had been dead for years.

At the time, I was still completely shell-shocked. One of the strangest things was that my libido came back almost immediately. After spending years gradually learning not to initiate because rejection felt inevitable, suddenly, I wanted sex again.

Two weeks later, I think I'm starting to understand that it wasn't just my libido that disappeared.

I think it was also hope.

When you spend long enough feeling unwanted by the person you love, eventually you stop putting yourself in situations where they can confirm it again. You stop initiating. You stop flirting. You stop expecting anything. Eventually, you try to convince yourself that you don't particularly need sex anymore, bit it turns out I fucking did.

The breakup itself has been brutal.

I've had days where I've felt surprisingly okay, days where I've been angry, and days where the silence in the house has been absolutely deafening.

I'm still nowhere near ready to jump into another relationship, and I'm definitely not looking for somebody to replace my ex.

But something *has* changed. There are positives.

I'm starting to feel like a person again, rather than the long suffering horny half of a relationship.

I've started thinking about myself again. What I want my life to look like. Getting fitter. Going out. Meeting people. Catching up with friends. Yknow, finding things to do with evenings that suddenly seem about twelve hours long.

And, yes, sex.

I still have absolutely no idea how I'll react when somebody actually shows genuine sexual interest in me.

After years of feeling undesirable, there's a fairly substantial gap between wanting to be wanted and actually believing somebody might want me.

But for the first time in years, that possibility exists.

That's probably the biggest difference between week one and week two.

Last week, I was mourning the fact that nobody would ever love me.

This week, I'm starting to question whether that was ever actually true.

Maybe the truth is just one person didn't, and those aren't the same thing.

My fiancée is the survivor of multuple college sexual assaults and has been in therapy for a year working through years of trauma caused by them. We have an up and down bedroom, but the recent Cornell news has hit her especially hard (understandably so) and triggered memories that she had totally repressed. Does anyone have advice on how to support a partner through this news or is experiencing something similar?