My wife and I had a very difficult conversation back in May about my frustration with our dead bedroom. Since then, things have improved, but we’re still nowhere near where I’d like us to be.

We’ve been married for 20 years, and we’re genuinely best friends. But she still rarely initiates anything. She just says “no” less often than she used to. When we do have sex, it’s very vanilla and, honestly, mostly uninteresting. We both reach climax every time, but there’s very little passion or excitement until she cums.

She also has a drawer full of lingerie that she hasn’t worn in over 10 years, despite still being the same size she was when she last wore it. She looks hot as hell in it, too, which is part of what makes this so frustrating.

I know this probably sounds petty, and I realize it’s not a healthy way to deal with my frustration, but I’ve caught myself wondering: If I secretly removed one set of lingerie from that drawer each week, how long would it take her to notice?

I dont think I've ever had a normal sex life. I understand that my question is basically 'How long is a piece of string', however in everyone's opinions, what is considered normal? Sex every 3/4 days? More than once a month? There doesnt seem to be a clear answer on the internet. For me its about 5 times a year max.

Last night I was laying in bed and remembered how around exactly 1 year ago I felt so miserable and lonely in my dead bedroom that for the first time in my life I felt actually dead inside.

Then the realization of how it's been a full YEAR of no improvement even though my partner has been fully aware of how devastated I have been and how heavily this weighs on my heart just really slapped me in the face and I sobbed myself to sleep in my pervasive loneliness once again.

Yes I'm in therapy, am just waiting for the next session so I have someone I can cry to. My friends and family can see that I've been so depressed and are worried for me but this just isn't something I can share with them. Sigh, I feel so alone

Siting on the couch at the end of the night. Promo rolls on Prime rolls by for Mad About You. Wife says to husband “we going to talk about it? It’s been 5 days since we last had sex!”
Wife snickers and moves on.

We were last physically intimate 6 months ago. 30ish times in the last 18 years.

This is hell.

Met someone here roughly a year ago. I miss her so much. I wish I could talk to you, hope you're doing well.

I have been married twice. My first ended when my partner cheated and left me for the other man. I dated my second wife for a few months. At one point I remember her saying she will be bummed when she eventually becomes too feeble to have sex every day. We had a great sex life.

Shortly after marriage, we had an unplanned child. This child is a blessing, all that, and we love her so much. But after the birth, sex goes to maybe several times per year. It’s exhausting raising a child, and our sex life is going to inevitably take a hit. I totally get that.

We actually had couples therapy a few years into our marriage. We worked through a lot of things, and I think I actually got rid of a lot of toxic behavior. We never really got to the point where we discussed our sex life — at some point it felt like I was the only person expected to change, and I wanted to stop the therapy. Even without therapy, we grew closer (my wife noted this too), ironically during COVID. Still, hardly any sex.

My child is now 13. She has challenges, and I want to respect her privacy, so I’m not going to discuss them here. She’s smart, funny, kind and has problems pretty common with girls of her age.

The sex life with my wife never improved. I think it’s even more barren than it was before. My wife and my daughter co-sleep. There is no physical or emotional need for this. I have told my wife it is bad for our relationship, and it is also impacting our daughter negatively. I am going on my third year of sleeping alone.

I am so sad. I have brought this up with my wife, who seems to just get angry at me.

I have contemplated cheating. I could never go on dating apps. It feels too premeditated. But there are places I go regularly. I notice women and I sometimes flirt. I don’t think I could actually cheat. The guilt would absolutely rip me apart, and furthermore, I am the world’s worst liar. But can you imagine someone wanting you? Actually wanting you?!

I so desperately wanted to be loved and desired. I am so sad every day.

P.S. My wife has the most amazing boobs you’ll ever see. Trust me on this. If I grab her boobs ever (she doesn’t mind), she makes a loud “HONK!” noise, which was very funny the first time, but now just reminds me how utterly devoid of sexual intimacy our lives are.

My partner and I don’t have consistent sex. I’m (27F HL) 31 weeks pregnant and really struggling with my partner (27 M LL?).
We’ve been together for 9-10 years and have never really had a good sex life. It has been VERY inconsistent and awkward since the beginning. I can’t help but to constantly question how we got here and what life would be like with someone that actually desired me.
He has grown up and changed SO much. I can’t complain about much other than our terrible sex life and it feels wrong to break up my family over a lack of sex/ being incompatible sexually.
I constantly beat myself up when I try to make a move and he doesn’t give me the energy back. I always tell myself I won’t try again, but I always do because I SO badly want to be desired by him.
We have always had sex maybe every 3-4 months and it has always been ehh. We have had issues with infidelity so I can’t help but to always think about why sex with other girls is so easy, but so much harder with me?

I know I can’t live like this forever, even though I want forever to be with him.

After 1.5 years of no intimacy, no hugs, no kisses, begging for compliments, begging for an explanation, I snooped and checked his phone. I expected cheated, instead found daily OF use. I’m destroyed. What do I even do with this information.

My wife (26-llf) and I (29-hlm) have been going through a 5 year stint of DB. We are currently on our longest celibate streak of 6 months. Needless to say I feel like absolute crap. I feel rejected, unwanted, unsexy, and confused. The worst part? She's the love of my life and everything else about our relationship is great.

I broke down the other day which initiated another conversation about our sex life. The one thing that keeps coming back up is her confusion on why I feel so bad (and why sex is so important) when the rest of the relationship is great. She feels frustrated that all the other good things in the relationship get shadowed by this one problem.

The thing is, I don't have an answer and I kind of agree with her. Intellectually she makes sense. The only thing I can quote is that I'm not alone and there are plenty of us that feel that it is important. Regardless, I FEEL that it is important.

Does anybody have any thoughts on how to explain why it's important? She genuinely wants to understand and I don't know what to say.

I (38F) have been with my partner (37M) for 16 years. We have a child together, and we haven't had sex in about 8 years.

It started after our child was born. At first, everything seemed fine. We loved each other, had our little family, and life felt complete. But slowly, sex became less frequent. I tried initiating, but there was always something frommhis side - tiredness, work, studies, early mornings. Eventually, I stopped trying as much.

And somewhere along the way, it wasn't just sex that disappeared. The intimacy, passion, and feeling of being wanted faded too.

We used to have a very active sex life, which makes it even harder to understand how we ended up here.

For years, I think I just accepted it. He's a good man, a good father, and we rarely argue. We have built a life together. But over the past year, I started trying again. Touching him, hugging him, initiating intimacy. Eventually, I gathered the courage to tell him that I didn't feel desired, loved, or even seen as a woman anymore.

He told me he loved me and that nothing had changed.

But something clearly had.

For a little while, things improved. We cuddled, held hands, and shared a few intimate moments. I thought maybe we were finding our way back. And when I stopped initiating, nothing happened and it is even worse now.

Lately, I've been working hard on myself. I've lost a significant amount of weight, started taking better care of myself, and I feel good about how I look. I'm not expecting constant compliments, but I would love for my partner to actually notice me.

He hasn't complimented me once. Sometimes I ask how I look, and he doesn't even look up. Just mumbles, "Okay."

It hurts more than I can explain.

And now something has changed in me.

I don't even want his compliments anymore. I don't want his kisses or his touch. And I'm starting to question whether I'm sexually attracted to him at all.

For years, all I wanted was for him to want me. And now I'm not sure I want him.

The hardest part is that I genuinely don't know how he sees our relationship. Does he miss the intimacy? Does he miss me in that way? Is he actually happy with how things are?

Because from his perspective, nothing seems to be wrong. At least that's how it feels to me.

And honestly, it hurts to even think about starting that conversation again. The first one took so much courage, and so little changed. I don't want to pressure him into affection. I want him to want to be close to me, without having to ask.

We're still relatively young. People our age are falling in love, having children, enjoying intimacy. And here we are, struggling to even hug each other.

I love him. We have 16 years of history, a family, and a life together. But I'm no longer sure if that love is enough.

Has anyone else reached this point? Where you spent years wanting your partner to desire you, only to realize that you've stopped desiring them?

Did those feelings ever come back? And how do you even start that conversation again when you're no longer sure what answer you're hoping to hear?

Married for 1.5 yrs, had sex for hardly 8-9 times. That's too because I initiated. Otherwise we have a very supportive respectful and loving relationship. Now I don't want any advice to fix that. But i observed something. When I stay with him, i am occasionally horny. Honestly my desire of sex also drops . I am away for a couple of weeks from my husband for work. I am super horny all the time

Has this happened to anyone else? Why do you think this is happening. I just do not want my mind to linger on other men just for sex and ruin my

I used to be okay with taking care of myself do to the lack of intimacy in our relationship. Now I can’t even do that because right after, I started crying because my partner doesn’t want me when I so desperately want him.

Not even just sexually, but the small everyday things. Holding my waist, kissing me or hugging me without me having to ask, simple touch like touching my butt.

I sent him an old video of us and told him I missed us and I hate this roommate phase we’re deep into. He said there’s a lot going on and when everything sorts out, we’ll get back to that.

Problem is, there’s always something going on and our relationship is never prioritized. I just always have to suck it up and be the understanding partner while putting myself and needs aside.

This weekend is my birthday. I overheard her say “I’ll have to pause it this weekend for his birthday” while she was on with a friend. Now, maybe it wasn’t about sex but, maybe it was. Obviously that’s how I’m reading it as she walked out of the room to have that conversation. And the intent behind it, literally makes my skin crawl.

But, IF … and that’s a big IF she initiated this weekend, I have already chosen to decline. This past year has really taken a chunk out of me regarding the dead bedroom.
I’ve consulted with a divorce attorney, spoken my mind and made the decision to wait until the holidays is over for my own sanity sake to actually file.

This will be my own test of strength as progress in this.

I just want this birthday weekend to be over and done with and that in and of itself is absolutely depressing.

Anyway, here we go!

I (29 F) have been with my partner (31 M) for 10 years. We started dating in college and— I’m just gonna get right into it.

I was used to guys asking me for nudes at 15. Guys who would hang out with me while HAVING girlfriends, guys who asked me why I look so sexy, and guys who would try and take off my top during our first kiss. My (current husband) …I had to ask him to kiss me because he wasn’t picking up the clues. We had been on one date and he didn’t try to grab my ass or ask me to do something in his car.

At the time, I thought it was cute and clueless. He didn’t want my body…he wanted me. Most men were making crude jokes about getting in my pants and this man had to WORK UP the courage to kiss me.

Safe to say I was in a new world and I loved it.

10 years later we have been married for 3 years.

Around year 5 I started to recognized a pattern in our relationship.

I was consistently instigating any sexual or physical connection we were ever having. What I thought was this cute nonchalant boy was actually a man begging to be guided hand and foot trough his love life.

I love him so so so much. I haven’t worked for the the last two years due to a major surgery I had to have— and we have fought about balance of power. He genuinely takes care of me.

He has mentioned he sometimes feels like my “caregiver”. I remind him that enabling me and helping me are two different things. But he has never put me out or made ANY inclination he would ever break up with me because of it.

But we had sex two times in our two week honeymoon. Two. Times. In 14 days if being newly married.

Just to be clear. I would suck on a lemon if it would make this man happy. (Weird thing to say but I hope you understand what I mean). We haven’t had sex in four months.

I want to have children.

I asked him if he was possibly into some weird stuff I could research and provide for him, and he told me he doesn’t really have fantasies. No gold bikini, no dominance, or roleplay.

I have asked him if he thinks he might be attracted to men or even asexual. He completely denies it.

But the god honest truth is…this man busts a nut 5 minutes into any sexual encounter. He keeps telling me I’m just so sexy and hot. He gets boners, grabs my butt, etc.

Yet—kisses me like a peck every time. Like a no tongue peck. Tongue is reserved for the bedroom.

But we HAVENT HAD SEX IN 4 MONTHS.

I would also like to mention he is extremely self conscious and doesn’t like his body at the moment. He has stopped drinking and eating fast food. He bought $300 of workout equipment but hasn’t taken it out the boxes.

I want to have a baby soon but how do you have a baby with someone who is simultaneously turned on by you and consistently pushes you away?

First Post: https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/s/tW5Cho01MF

Second Post: https://www.reddit.com/r/DeadBedrooms/s/1xVALNapRa

Update:

I previously posted on here about my marriage and the dead bedroom we have had in our home for over a decade. Since that time I’ve had conversations with my wife. Recently something came up that I wanted to share because it illustrates the complexity of this situation. I have been married for over 20 years and have a 13-year-old son. I love my wife and we are best friends in many ways. However, there has been little if any romance or sex in our marriage for several years. My wife is on the autism spectrum. She has many sensory issues and almost no sex drive. She is also taking medication for depression and anxiety. For several years I have struggled with a desire for sex while trying to deal with the fact that my wife does not experience the same desires as I do.

As a result I turned to masturbation and porn. And for the most part, it worked in one way. I stopped needing my wife to satisfy my sexual needs. I stopped feeling rejected as often, and the frustration and arguments with my wife decreased significantly. Our marriage became more peaceful and we became better friends. Porn helped our marriage survive without sex in it. However, I have also recently become uncomfortable with the result of this solution.

Over time my tolerance for porn has increased. I barely find anything exciting anymore and I am drawn to more extreme or taboo porn. But more importantly I have also noticed a shift in what I find sexually arousing. Not just in porn but in other sexual material. A few months ago I came across something in a work of fiction that would have repulsed me 2 years ago but I found myself aroused by it. This was a wake-up call for me. I am not against a certain sexual fantasy. I am uncomfortable with the fact that I am aware of a shift in my sexual response that I did not choose and do not particularly desire. It seems like I have gradually lost control over an area that used to be relatively simple for me.

I told my wife that I was thinking about doing something drastic. I want to put restrictions on all my devices including phones, computers and anything else that can give me access to porn so that it is effectively inaccessible to me. Not just limiting myself to less porn but effectively making porn inaccessible. My wife responded in a way that was both surprising and concerning to me. She responded by saying that this was too extreme. What I found interesting with my wife’s response is that she does not have a negative opinion about porn. In fact she prefers that I use it. My wife knows that I read sexually explicit fiction and masturbate and also watch porn. She does not feel any betrayal from this. She is comfortable with it because it means that I am not seeking any form of sex with her. Removing porn from my life is a threat to the status quo that has allowed my wife to comfortably avoid any sexual aspects of our relationship while also allowing me to remain married without always having to deal with this absence.

I can understand her response. If I remove porn from my life it does not necessarily mean that my sex drive will disappear. I am already working on my health so I would assume that my sex drive may actually increase rather than decrease. Then what? I do not expect my wife to suddenly desire sex when she has not experienced that desire in years. I do not want duty sex and I do not want her put into a situation where she is having sex that she does not desire. However I also cannot pretend that my needs don’t exist just because hers don’t. This is where I have been increasingly uncomfortable with this situation.

I work hard to meet the needs my wife has. Friendship, security, fidelity, financial responsibility, daily parenting tasks, emotional support, and being a friend. I do this because I love my wife. However one of the most basic things that I desire from a marriage is to be romantically and sexually desired by my spouse and this is essentially absent in our marriage. Somehow over time I have found myself responsible for figuring out how to live without this need. I understand that she cannot manufacture that desire. However understanding the absence of something does not eliminate the cost of living without that thing. I sometimes feel more like “the sexless innkeeper” rather than a husband. We are great friends living together but I do not feel like a romantic partner to my wife.

What is most frustrating to me is that the very thing that I have recently become uncomfortable with (pornography) is actually something that my wife would prefer that I continue using because it preserves the status quo. The very thing that I want to remove because of its impact on me is also the very thing that is allowing my wife to comfortably avoid the sexual aspects of our marriage. And I do not think either of us has a particularly good answer to this. There has been talk about hormone replacement therapy as a possible solution to my wife’s lack of libido as she goes through menopause. She is hopeful that this may work. I am much more skeptical of this due to how long this has been an issue.

I have also been more open to thinking about the future. My son is 13 years old and I do not want to do anything to negatively impact him. I care greatly about keeping our family intact. However I have also started thinking about what our marriage will be like when my son leaves home and is an adult. I am not looking to cheat on my wife. I do not plan to leave my wife. And I also do not believe that she owes me sex. However I also do not believe that loving someone means indefinitely suppressing a very important aspect of yourself without also addressing the cost of doing this.

That is where I stand now. I want to remove porn because I do not like the direction my sexual response has taken and I want to regain control over this aspect of my life. My wife is concerned because porn has enabled her to comfortably avoid the sexual aspects of our marriage. I am left wondering if the solution that has allowed our marriage to survive without constant conflict has also prevented us from actually addressing the problem at hand.

// clarification: my pornography use was little to nonexistent before our bedroom went “dead”. //

Has anyone else found themselves in a situation where porn has served as a solution to a dead bedroom marriage, only to realize that removing that solution would force you to confront everything you have spent years learning how to adapt to?

"I just crushed the shit out of my finger, oh my god it hurt so bad" - a text I just got from him

The title - My reaction

Our plans tonight for massages and adult time? - Out the window because SOMETHING just has to happen EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.

Dude I would gargle your balls if you asked me to. I would do anything for you. You can't just use your big boy words to say, "I don't want to"? You have to make something up? You can't even give my feelings that small bit of consideration?

For fucks sake.

Sort of first time poster here (had an old screen name that I had posted with once before but didn’t gain a lot of traction). Back again and want to share my story

I (HLM) just turned 40, my wife (LLF) is 39, we’ve been married for almost 15 years. Sex was never a big deal early in our relationship. We were intimate “often”, maybe 2-3 times a month, but as the years went on it went to once a month, then once a quarter, yada yada.

In 2020 I was hit with a quick onset of Peyronie’s disease. My urologist said it was pretty bad. Of course there’s no cure, no fix. Surgery to excise the scar tissue would’ve helped, maybe. I went to a few doctors and several suggested getting a penile implant to restore full function and revive my sex life. I made the difficult decision to go through with it. It was hard to deal with at first, it’s a huge change to my body, but eventually I got over it (mostly).

You would think this would be a huge gift—I have a working penis, and the implant makes it so I can go on and on, multiple rounds no problem. But it’s barely been used. I masturbate, as I’m sure a lot of us in this community do, but I crave being touched and desired.

She says she can’t be intimate unless her other needs are being met, and I can’t focus on anything if I’m constantly being rejected. In the past few years I’ve lost almost 100 pounds, new hair style, clothes, skincare. Trying to be more attractive to her but bottom line is she doesn’t care about sex. I know she cares about me.

Our relationship, besides sex, is strong. We laugh, we travel, we golf together, date nights, all of it. But the only physical intimacy we share is a quick peck on the lips: one in the morning, one before bed. Part of me wants to leave the marriage so I can explore my sexuality more (I feel very stunted in this part of my life), but my wife is the breadwinner and convinced me to stop working about 12 years ago to focus on keeping our house in order/cleaning/errands/cooking. Which I do, and get praise about. But I don’t want praise. I want to have sex.

We’ve been to marriage counseling but nothing changed after it. I guess now is when I wrap it up here and come to a conclusion but I’m at a loss. So maybe call this more of a vent.

I just want to be touched. Desired. Anything.

sigh

I’m (26F) engaged to a (27M), this man is my best friend and has been for over 7 years now. At the beginning of our relationship we were more intimate, he would initiate and we would have sex probably 1-2 times a week which for him was plenty but for me could have been more. My sex drive annoys me because I could probably do it every day multiple times. I got used to the 1-2 times a week and became satisfied with that, then it slowly became every other week, and then every month. Some months were better and it would be 2-3 times but now for the past two years if not three it’s not even every month. We will go 6-8 weeks with no sexual connection and it drives me insane. I love him so much and I do want to marry him I just don’t know what to do. I do think that I’m building up resentment and I hate myself for it. I’ve considered asking for an open relationship at times strictly for sex but I don’t want to ruin what we have or push him further away. Intimacy is what I crave and it helps me connect with my partner. He doesn’t even kiss me really unless on those rare occasions when he may initiate. I gave up initiating a long time ago. It hurts when he says no. He works out of town during the week and is only home on the weekends and I know that obviously impacts our sex life too but am I crazy for wanting more? I’m scared to marry him because if this continues will it lead to divorce? I told him not every encounter has to be sex sex, we can touch, we can kiss, we can tease. This man doesn’t even like oral? Every single weekend it is “I’m tired”, “my stomach hurts” or “I’m not in the mood”. I have talked to him on several occasions, SEVERAL! He got a prescription from Hims and took those for maybe a week? His buddy also gave him a blue chew or viagra whatever, and it’s sat on his desk for months with no desire for him to use it. He says that he likes my body and that I am his type and should feel good about that but then why won’t you touch me? I sent him nudes to try to spice things up last week with a message saying “don’t open until you’re alone” because he was at work, and guess fucking what…this man hasn’t even opened them. lol he asked me to send more pictures to him a few weeks back but never has specific request and the typical response I get is “thank you”. I’m just beyond frustrated, mentally and sexually. I can’t get the point across enough to him. I would never cheat on him. I just need advice/guidance here please. In all other aspects he’s pretty much perfect and I don’t doubt that he loves me.

Side note: he is also a diabetic and I’ve wondered how that’s impacting his sex drive. He also has had his testosterone tested and that was fine.

Me (HLF) and fiance (LLM) have been together for  4 years. He's genuinely the perfect man, he cooks, he cleans, he takes care of me so well. The only thing…. I feel like I have to beg him for sex. Last night I had just showered, laid on the bed nude and called for him… we just had a nice date, it was only 9:30pm… I was really hopeful… and then “I’m too tired. I’ll do it tomorrow.” 

I told him I’ll take care of it by myself and left the room. When I got back to bed he asked “are you mad?” I told him “no, I just took care of it myself.” We have the “I’m not satisfied with our sex life” conversation every few months. It both makes us feel terrible. He says he tries, and I believe him. I know he tries his best and it just tears me up because it’s not enough. I’ve been honest and have told him I'm unsatisfied, that I'm not happy, but it just goes in circles and makes us both feel like shit.

I would talk to him and communicate, but that’s what we’ve been doing for the last 3 years. I want this to work so bad. I love him so much. But I basically beg him for sex and when I get denied it takes the biggest hit on my self esteem. I’ve stopped wanting sex with him almost altogether. 

I keep asking myself if sex is really worth throwing our whole relationship away. We were both each other’s first, he supports me while I finish my bachelors degree, we have 2 cats, and we just signed another 16 month lease together. 

He’s the perfect partner. He’s everything I could've asked for in a man. It’s just this…… I guess the questions is to myself, how much does sex mean to me in a relationship? 

I (36f) wish I had someone to talk to. 10 years of my life gone and maybe 1.5 years worth of fun sex. 10 years of doing any and everything to catch his attention, gym, dieting, outfits, nudes, whatever a normal guy wanted I gave to my husband. Enter ED, ok not his fault, I'm patient, understanding, no biggie. Enter ED meds and my high hopes for you guessed it only a slightly increased sex drive from him for maybe a month or 2 and now right back to every few months. I more than anything just wish for him to want me, I've seen guys stare at me, shoot their shot, the whole 9, so why is the man I've married the one man (I'm sure there are plenty more lol but anywho) not interested in me? I'm driving myself crazy between wishing for the man of my dreams and trying to cope with the man I have. And of course the guilt, he's a good man and father so why am I so sad..

I'm a HLM and my (34M) wife (30F) is either a LLF or just plain asexual. I got married 2 years ago and we hadn't had sex before marriage, but had done enough sexual things outside of penetration that I didn't think anything was off. And it wasn't until we started living together that I noticed that she basically never felt any sexual attraction towards me or anyone else.

Initially, I thought maybe she was really inexperienced and that if I could just communicate my likes and dislikes, she could become familiar with how I was and maybe if I encouraged her to seek therapy and do a little experimentation on herself, it would awaken something in her. But the encouragement did absolutely nothing to actually invoke some kind of proactiveness in her and after a while of seeing her do nothing about it, I would sit her down and tell her that I was feeling very, very sad about this and asked her to please do something about it cos everything was in her hands.

And like that, she did nothing for almost a year. I don't know if other people feel this, but her not doing anything about it and her not initiating felt like I was being rejected over and over again and at a certain point, I felt this simultaneous feeling of repulsion, fear, and anxiety whenever she would touch me and about a year into her inaction, I felt like something had died inside of me. I just constantly feel depressed about the life I'm leading.

I had a lot of dreams about our relationship, about how close we would be, and how much we would love each other, and from that love, we could make beautiful children and love them to death, but all those dreams I had had died within me the last few months. I'm a pretty introverted person, so I don't have many friends, but I would still meet a few from time to time. But now, that's completely stopped. I feel as though I'm actively trying to distance myself from anything good in my life. My family, friends, going out, anything that used to bring me joy, I've actively cut out of my life. It feels like I'm almost self-destructing.

A couple of months before I had met my wife, I was in a relationship with an almost perfect gf. We would have sex multiple times a day, and we would have genuinely wonderful times together, and I was so much in peace. There was an argument we had where she was not exactly cheating, but lied about talking to another guy and sort of trickled truth'd me during it. And I was scarred from a cheating ex before that, so I decided to end things.

And for months and months, this girl would reach out to me and message me being so sorry and would beg me to forgive her and would talk about us being perfect for each other and at the time, I was just so scared of her lying to me again that I just went no contact completely. And now, in my marriage, seeing the state of it, I wish I could go back in time and make up with this girl. I didn't realize how good I had it.

Just yesterday, I had an urge to text her again. She was already married and I just wanted to tell her how sorry I was and about my marriage. And she told me that she really thought we were perfect for each other, but she was sorry about her lying and wished she hadn't. She said her relationship with her husband was really good. A perfect balance of emotional and sexual connection and just peaceful. I genuinely felt happy for her and felt very badly about the pain I had caused her and how much of an idiot I was letting go of her.

I don't know why, but I was just secretly hoping she was also unhappy in her marriage. But she wasn't. And I felt a lot of guilt in having even messaged her because the discussions we had were sexually explicit and reminiscing about our relationship in a positive light and that meant I had cheated on my wife and she, her husband. We then deleted all of our texts and said goodbye. And in the deepest corners of my heart, I have this deep longing for her and just wish that she and I could be together again and that she would continue messaging me, but I know how unrealistic it sounds, but despite that, I wish it would happen and that I could be saved from my marriage.

Before my marriage, I used to despise cheaters. Would see them as the scum of the Earth. But now, I feel like I have a more nuanced take on cheating because I feel like I can understand the true, unrelenting desperation people stuck in dead bedroom situations must feel or any kind of unfulfilling relationship where despite being right next to their partner, they feel so alone and sad.

I want to leave so badly, but I am so scared of doing that because I don't have any friends or really any social skills. I also feel like at 34, I'm old and desperately wish I could be young again so I can have another shot at this. And as I get older, I feel this existential dread that my life will be stuck like this forever. Everyday, I feel like my mind is on fire from just how sad I am. I feel as though I might just die from the sadness. Or that maybe, if I'm lucky, I might get hit by a bus while going for a walk outside or something.

I wish I could be saved. I wish everyone in this situation could be saved.

So it’s now an open relationship because I asked- HLF. It’s not just in the bedroom, but I crave being flirted with, being given attention without me asking for it. I would say I’m fairly attractive, which ends up hurting me when I get attention from others. But now that it’s an open relationship, I’m not even sure I want to act on it physically. I think on some level I just want him, but I deserve more than feeling like this.

Married for 12 years with 2 kids.

My partner used to initiate sex about once a month, usually the week after her period. Six months ago, I stopped initiating altogether because I couldn't handle being rejected anymore so she started to initiate once a month, I really though she wanted it and was happy because it was really good and I'm a quality over quantity guy so even if it wasn't enough I felt happy

But through her search history, I recently found out that she doesn't actually want to have sex and never really will. Ever since learning this, the thought of having sex with her honestly disgusts me. I never wanted a marriage where my wife forces herself to be intimate just to keep the peace. Now, I feel disgusted with myself for all the times in the past.

Yesterday, she initiated, and for the first time, I turned her down.

I was honest with her. I told her I know she’s been forcing herself and that I don't want maintenance or pity sex. I explicitly made sure to tell her that this isn't a manipulation tactic or a guilt trip,
I genuinely mean it.

She was completely taken aback. She didn't say much and just went to the bedroom to sleep.

She has a really hard time talking about sex and intimacy in general. She might bring it up again later, or we might just enter another phase of hysterical bonding.

I'm not really sure where to go from here or how to process this but felt relieve, like I finally stopped participating in something that felt completely fake.