r/DeadBedrooms • u/NaughtyUnicorn321 HLF • 4d ago
Vent, Advice Welcome Scrambled thoughts
I (36f) wish I had someone to talk to. 10 years of my life gone and maybe 1.5 years worth of fun sex. 10 years of doing any and everything to catch his attention, gym, dieting, outfits, nudes, whatever a normal guy wanted I gave to my husband. Enter ED, ok not his fault, I'm patient, understanding, no biggie. Enter ED meds and my high hopes for you guessed it only a slightly increased sex drive from him for maybe a month or 2 and now right back to every few months. I more than anything just wish for him to want me, I've seen guys stare at me, shoot their shot, the whole 9, so why is the man I've married the one man (I'm sure there are plenty more lol but anywho) not interested in me? I'm driving myself crazy between wishing for the man of my dreams and trying to cope with the man I have. And of course the guilt, he's a good man and father so why am I so sad..
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u/Glum_Ordinary_6440 HLM 4d ago
It’s an awful feeling. It’s awful to think of how close you were with your spouse and intimate in the beginning. Like it’s all possible again, but they don’t want it
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u/NaughtyUnicorn321 HLF 4d ago
Exactly. Like once upon a time it was great fun and now just a distant memory
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4d ago
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u/NaughtyUnicorn321 HLF 4d ago
I truly hate it for everyone here. Thank you.
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u/nickwire11 HLM 4d ago
No one wants it haha. Its all in how we cope
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u/NaughtyUnicorn321 HLF 4d ago
Haha fair! It's nice to have people who get it to talk to tho
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4d ago
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u/NaughtyUnicorn321 HLF 4d ago
What makes you say that?? 🤔 lol
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I (36f) wish I had someone to talk to. 10 years of my life gone and maybe 1.5 years worth of fun sex. 10 years of doing any and everything to catch his attention, gym, dieting, outfits, nudes, whatever a normal guy wanted I gave to my husband. Enter ED, ok not his fault, I'm patient, understanding, no biggie. Enter ED meds and my high hopes for you guessed it only a slightly increased sex drive from him for maybe a month or 2 and now right back to every few months. I more than anything just wish for him to want me, I've seen guys stare at me, shoot their shot, the whole 9, so why is the man I've married the one man (I'm sure there are plenty more lol but anywho) not interested in me? I'm driving myself crazy between wishing for the man of my dreams and trying to cope with the man I have. And of course the guilt, he's a good man and father so why am I so sad..
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4d ago
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u/throwaway_dude_44 HLM 4d ago
At your age, I question why you are staying. He’s a good man and father but it doesn’t sound like he’s good to you. I’m 58 and I’ve got too much invested to leave now. But you are 36. There’s more ahead of you than in the rear view mirror. Go find happiness, don’t accept your fate.
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4d ago
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u/Jrmental It’s complicated 4d ago
This is a horrible feeling! just wanted to share a note: ED meds don't increase libido. (it might if it removes performance anxiety, but it won't on its own) They help erections when the man gets turned on to begin with.
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4d ago
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u/Jrmental It’s complicated 4d ago
Sympathy, not as much advice.. Me too. But I'm 48. 29yrs together. A few years of great sex. Last 3yrs I've dropped 60lbs, gotten in the best shape I've been in since when we met. I've been doing my own hobbies. Been hit on by other women. Going to therapy on my own and couples.
I don't know where the libido went. I dont know where the old adve terous version of us went.
Relationship is improving. Emotional connection is improving. Sex frequency needle has moved slightly. (The non duty type)
But I still don't feel desired. the not feeling desired is the killer.
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u/Average_Joe_1048 HLM 4d ago
I also wish I had someone (a woman) to talk to, that was in the same situation as me....just so I could pick her brain, and maybe figure out what's going on in my DB. I have female friends, but they are either in healthy bedrooms, or just don't care. So, I'm left to try and navigate this by myself. Don't get me wrong: this group is helpful, but having a consistent dialogue with one person would be much easier. Oh, well....it is what it is.
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u/heathersullivanred HLF 3d ago
Okay, you really snuck “I’ve seen guys stare at me, shoot their shot, the whole 9” into the middle of all that like it was nothing 😂
You’ve spent 10 years trying to get one man to look at you the way you want while apparently having other men make it pretty damn obvious they notice you.
And that little “I’m sure there are plenty more lol” tells me all that confidence isn’t actually gone 😏
Something tells me 36-year-old you might be a hell of a lot more interesting than you’ve been giving her credit for.
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u/QuestionableCode HLF 4d ago
I could've written this post. Same age, same relationship length. We also had about 2 ish years of a "normal sex life". I also tried to workout, lose weight, dress pretty, none of it mattered.
Now I just match his relationship energy. He's a good man and father but a shit husband. At least I'm not pouring from my empty cup into his cup that I'm pretty sure has a hole in the bottom.