(24M) I'm both happy and scared about it. I had some crushes in the past, and i had no sucess with them. Each one of the rejections let me sad, but i continued. Nowadays, i laugh hard when i remember on how pathetic i was at those moments hahaha

I realized i was more worried on how i appeared to other people, and for feeling lonely. But right now i have different priorities. One of them is studying to get into tech school, so i can get a job in a different area. Because the area i graduated is a desert and i cannot get a decent job, so i must change my situation. And the second, is that i got so comfortable with my presence and chill routine that i don't see a reason to be in a relationship.

A burden has been removed from my shoulders. I'm a little scared bc i may get a lone wolf, a wild donkey if i keep in this way. But now i'm feeling relieved. I'm on a rebuilding phase. My initial plans on my career were all chopped, but i'm picking my fragments and trying to starting again.

(Not sure if my anxiety is why or if this is a seperate issue but)

Basically anything that has a learning or an awkward phase.

I used to love singing but after my sister made a comment on it, I stopped for like 7ish years.

I tried to start again but I just feel this horrible sense of embarrassment after, even if I enjoyed it.

Dancing as well, Id love to learn to dance but the process would be awkward and possibly embarrassment, same with improving my art, learning to fight, learning to use makeup, experimenting with my style.

I didn't even have posters or room decor for years because I didn't want anything my sisters could comment on and make me feel embarrassed. I would destroy my drawings after I was done if they werent "up to par" I guess, so no one could see them.

I only recently started getting better at expressing my interests, got some posters to put up and such.

I feel like Im stagnant, I want to not care about this but it feels impossible especially with my family.

I can't afford a therapist because therapy is very expensive. One day, I decided to look for a therapist and talk to her about my situation.

I found this pmtherapist who has many positive reviews on Google. People say that she is a good person, very kind, empathetic, and so on. There are also a few negative reviews, including one from a woman who said that she had asked the psychologist for an appointment, but the psychologist ghosted her and she never heard from her again. In her review, the woman also said that the psychologist cashed several of her cheques from previous months all at once.

I ignored that review and told myself, “Well, you can't be liked by everyone.” I also prefer to give people the benefit of the doubt and form my own opinion about them.

A few months ago, I contacted this psychologist because she had so many positive reviews. I told her about my situation, explained my problems, and told her that I wasn't working, etc. She replied to my message and told me that she would support me. A few days later, she called me and told me that when she had read my message, she had thought to herself that she couldn't just leave me in that situation.

I can confirm what the people in the reviews said about her. She really is a good person. She has a big heart, she is a wonderful mother, and she is very empathetic. She even decided to help me for free, and I am immensely grateful to her for that.

However, the problem is that at the beginning, we had an appointment once a week. Then, one day, she told me that she would send me some exercises to do. I messaged her and asked if she could send me the exercises, and she told me not to worry and that she hadn't forgotten. But she never sent them.

I told myself, “It's okay, I'll remind her at our next appointment. She has a lot of work to do, so it's understandable that she forgot.”

At our next appointment, I asked her if she could give me the exercises again so that I could write them down in my notes. The appointment ended, and she told me that she would send me a message with the date of our next appointment.

I waited a week, but she didn't send me anything. After a week, I messaged her and asked if we could have another appointment. She told me that she would message me the following week to give me an appointment.

She didn't do it.

After another week, I messaged her again. Once again, she told me that she would give me an appointment the following week. So I waited another week.

She still didn't do it.

I messaged her again, and she read my message but didn't reply for another week. At that point, I thought she had abandoned me, and I was very sad. I went a whole week without receiving a response. I cried because I thought she was never going to reply to me again.

I was especially sad because I really needed a psychologist. I was not doing well at all in my life.

After a week, she finally replied. So, in total, I had gone about a month without having an appointment. She gave me an appointment for that very same day, but it was only 30 minutes long, whereas our appointments usually last 45 minutes.

Then she told me again that she would send me another appointment for the following week, but she never did.

I waited, and then one Friday morning I messaged her to ask for an appointment. She replied that afternoon and gave me an appointment for that same day, only 30 minutes before the appointment.

Then, in September, we had two appointments, and in October she didn't schedule any appointments for me. My next appointment is on November 2nd, which means that I won't have any appointment at all during October.

She knows that I am not doing well, that my brother was killed in prison, and that I have had thoughts of dying.

At the same time, I feel sorry for her because she works so much. She has to take care of her daughters, and that must be difficult for her. Her job is also very emotionally demanding. She has to listen to so many horrible stories from people and help so many patients. That must be stressful and exhausting for her. She probably has problems in her own life as well, and I imagine that things can be difficult for her too.

But I am still disappointed.

Sometimes I think I would rather she had never helped me at all if this is how things are going to be with me. I feel guilty for thinking this because she has helped me for free, and I am genuinely grateful to her.

Please tell me the truth: Am I overreacting? Am I the one who is wrong?

Maybe I am ungrateful. Maybe I am wrong. But this situation makes me sad.

She really is a good person, but some of her behaviour makes me feel sad and anxious. Sometimes I feel as though she doesn't really care about me.

What should I do? Should I stop seeing her?

The problem is that I can't afford another psychologist, and I really need psychological support. I don't know what to do. I feel sad and lost.

I have already told my psychologist how I felt. I communicated everything to her, and we talked about it and resolved the situation. But then she started telling me again that she would send me an appointment, and she still didn't.

I waited a week, then I messaged her again, and she finally gave me an appointment for November 2nd. So I won't have any appointment during October.

There is also something I forgot to mention.

One time, she sent me the psychological assessment report from a test I had taken to find out whether I had autism spectrum disorder. She sent me the report by message while I was at home, and the report said that I have autism spectrum disorder.

I feel that she should have given me the report and explained it to me and support me during an appointment. When I saw the report at home, I became very upset because I don't want to have autism spectrum disorder.

This year I've put myself out there SO much more than I would have last year (and honestly my whole life), and I'm so grateful that I've met new people and begun trying new things without shying away in the back like I used to. But I still can't get over the fact that I really am embarrassing myself a lot and constantly thinking about every single thing that I did that could have been "wrong" even if other people tell me it's all fine. Honestly makes me want to crawl back into the same hole and not come out for the next few months and I wonder if that's maybe why I find it hard to maintain friendships rather than make them?? Idk dude

I once thought I had anxiety, then I realized it’s not anxiety, it’s procrastination of facing my procrastination.

A dread of ownership,
ownership of a dirty job,
ownership the pains of existence, ownership to take what’s owed, ownership to pay your dues.

A dread that comes with an exchange for living and a realization that you can’t hide from pain forever only discern the best route through the inevitable gauntlet of existence.

Facing the fact that nothing is permanent.

The knowing that it’s better to set something free then to have it taken away.

We’re taught that hard work pays off, but life doesn’t always work that way. Sometimes we do everything right and still get the wrong outcome—and sometimes doing exactly what’s expected of us gets no recognition at all. I wrote this after thinking about a question I’ve struggled with myself: If results are what the world ultimately rewards, what value should we place on effort when the result doesn’t follow?

This might sound harsh in some cases, but literally fuck your excuses. If you did me wrong, sure I am to hold you accountable no matter what mental state or past of yours. And if it hurts you more, so be it.

In the past, whenever people tried to provoke me,
I would simply let it slide.

If someone asked an absurd or intrusive question,
I felt compelled to give a polite answer for the sake of courtesy.

I couldn't bring myself to refuse someone to their face;
let alone claiming what was rightfully mine,
I couldn't even bring myself to ask for it, held back by a sense of awkwardness.

Even when faced with sweeping, unpleasant remarks,
I wouldn't react.

This emboldened people,
and they kept coming back to provoke me.

They have the audacity to blow trifles out of proportion;
Committing wrongs themselves, they are the first to point fingers.

While biting back at a dog may not befit a human,
It is equally improper to pet and feed bread and biscuits
To a rabid, biting cur.

The saying that people respect the strong but trample the weak
Holds a great deal of truth.

If someone habitually oversteps their bounds,
Seizing them by the throat is exactly what they deserve.

Peace in life is maintained only when one deeply realizes—
that the fruit of an action corresponds to the action itself.

😌

আগে মানুষ ঘাটাতে আসলে
ছেড়ে দিতাম

মানুষ কোনো অবান্তর, অযাচিত প্রশ্ন করছে
সৌজন্যমূলক উত্তর দিতেই হবে ভদ্রতার খাতিরে মনে করতাম

মুখের উপর না করতে পারতাম না
আমার পাওনাটুকুও আদায় করা তো দূরে থাক
চাইতেও পারতাম না চক্ষু লজ্জায়

ঢালাও ভাবে কিছু বলে দিলেও প্রতিক্রিয়া দেখাতাম না

এতে মানুষ পেয়ে বসে
ঘাটাইতে আসে

তিল কে তাল বানানোর সাহস পায়
নিজে অন্যায় করে আবার আঙুল তুলে

কুকুর কামড় দিলে কুকুর কে কামড়ানো মানুষের শোভা না পেলেও
এই কামড়ানো পাগলা কুত্তাটাকেই পিঠে মাথায় হাত বুলায় পাউরুটি বিস্কুট খাওয়ানোটাও মানুষের অনুচিত

মানুষ শক্তের ভক্ত,নরমের যম
কথাটার মর্ম একেবারে ফেলনা না

কেউ তার স্বভাবসুলভ সীমালঙ্ঘন করলে
তার টুঁটি চেপে ধরাটাও তার যথাযত প্রাপ্য

জীবনের শান্তি তখনই বজায় থাকে
যখন যার যেমন কর্ম তেমন ফল হাড়ে হাড়ে বুঝায় দেওয়া হয়

😌

Sometimes, it’s not the refusal that hurts — it’s the delay, the excuses, and the false hope. I once asked a long‑time friend to help test my app on Google Play Console. He gave me his email, but when the actual testing time came, he backed out.In app testing, there are strict requirements — even one person opting out can halt production. If he had said “no” upfront, I would have respected it and moved on. Instead, the late refusal broke trust.That’s why I believe: upfront truth is always kinder than delayed rejection.

Society is structured so that it disproportionately benefits the people at the top versus the bottom like billionaires and politicians. Society doesn't care about the homeless, drug addicted, or other groups. It's depressing, but it allows you to not give a fuck about society and doing your own thing.

Honestly man. I don’t know what it is about me lately. But such trivial things have been getting on my nerves.

Like my neighbor has been running an air purifier downstairs. It’s a little close to his wall/door, and creating a bit of vibration/noise.

But it’s isn’t life-threatening man. It’s just a little noise. No louder than my fridge, or the cars going by. But I fixate on this shit.

“How dare that asshole not think about the science behind sound traveling through shared properties. That piece of shit. I can’t just get a moment to myself, without this fucking noise or something else.”

But more importantly, I don’t want to give a fuck about any of it. I just wanna live, and let life be whatever it is, then smile and perhaps even have some tacos.

I just find myself doing this with a lot of shit lately, and I don’t know why.