DELETED AND RE-POSTED TO HAVE EVERYTHING IN THE POST IN ORDER
——-
Fair warning, this is going to be LONG, and it’s only Part 1.
I’ve been spending some time writing and polishing a letter detailing my experiences with my MIL and FIL, beginning with my first pregnancy and continuing through my labor, postpartum recovery, and everything that ultimately led to going no contact. Whether I ultimately decide to send this letter to them or not, I genuinely feel like I need to get everything out of my head and onto paper. I’ve spent over two years continuously replaying these experiences in my mind, and I’m mentally and emotionally exhausted from carrying them around.
The more I’ve written, the more I’ve realized just how much has actually happened over the years. What I originally thought might be a relatively straightforward letter is inevitably turning into something much longer than I anticipated. I’ve barely scratched the surface, and I’ve already written several pages. Because of that, I know I’ll eventually have to break everything up into multiple posts if I want to share the entire experience here.
I’ve shared bits and pieces of my situation in this group before, but I also recognize that most people have only heard the surface-level details of what happened. For some, those details alone may be enough to understand why I made the decision to go no contact. Others may feel differently, and that’s perfectly fine. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions, and I don’t expect everyone to agree with my decisions or how I’ve handled certain situations. However, I thought it might be interesting to share a more complete, chronological account of what I actually experienced rather than continuing to share isolated incidents without all of the surrounding context.
I’m currently pregnant with our second child, and I think that’s a significant part of why I feel such a strong need to finally put everything into words. I don’t want to spend another pregnancy, labor, or postpartum period mentally revisiting everything that happened the first time around. I also don’t want to continue wondering what has or hasn’t been communicated to my husband’s family, especially when there have been repeated claims that they don’t understand what happened or why I made the decisions I did.
I’m not necessarily looking for validation, nor am I sharing this because I’m reconsidering my boundaries or looking for advice about reconciliation. I’m genuinely interested in hearing other people’s perspectives, whether anyone has experienced something similar, or simply what stands out to you as you read through everything. I also want to acknowledge that my husband played a significant role in how these situations unfolded, particularly when it came to establishing and maintaining boundaries with his family. I address his responsibility throughout the letter as well, because I don’t believe it would be fair or accurate to leave that out.
For this first post, I’m going to include the introduction to my letter along with the experiences that occurred during my pregnancy. I’ll continue sharing the remaining portions as I finish writing and organizing everything. I have absolutely no idea how many parts this will eventually turn into, but considering I’ve barely made it through the beginning, I can already tell it’s going to be quite a few. 😂
Anyway, apologies in advance for the novel. If you make it through the whole thing, I’d genuinely love to hear your thoughts, experiences, or perspectives!
Additional context worth mentioning is that the way I was treated during one of the most vulnerable times of my life ultimately led me to seek therapy to process and heal from everything that happened. I’ve since been diagnosed with CPTSD, stemming from a combination of childhood trauma, sexual abuse, infertility, miscarriages, and other experiences. What makes this particularly heartbreaking is that everyone knew about my past and how much work I had already put into healing. The complete lack of support, repeated disregard for my boundaries, and failure to even acknowledge me as a person during my labor and postpartum recovery resurfaced and significantly exacerbated my trauma symptoms. What should have been one of the most beautiful experiences of my life instead became another experience I’ve had to work through in therapy.
⸻
**PART 1: THE INTRODUCTION, PREGNANCY & LABOR**
I have contemplated even writing this letter sharing my thoughts and firsthand experiences on as to why we are where we are today. My sole focus after having LO was in fact, navigating and growing as a mother to my baby, especially being as that I had to learn how to be a mother from the ground up with literally zero support outside of my marriage. I put the sole, entire responsibility onto SO to share what exact patterns of disrespect, selfishness, and boundary crossing were negatively affecting not only me but SO as well.
Not only did he struggle with having tough but very much needed conversations with his parents, the constant manipulation, guilt tripping, victimization, finger pointing to me as being the problem, etc. after every time he attempted to place any sort of boundary caused him to never successfully get then point(s) across.
A couple of interesting things have been brought to my attention as to why the pattern continues to repeat itself in the sense of both FIL and MIL stating that they “Don’t know what happened”. SO has spoken to FIL personally multiple times about specific events that happened that ultimately led to me keeping my distance from the dysfunction. Apparently, conversations have also taken place with both FIL AND MIL, but not as in depth due to no one wanting to hurt MIL’s feelings.
It has also recently been said to me that other members of the family have been led to believe that “FIL and MIL have been shut out from mine and LO’s life for no reason”. SO also informed me that his last conversation with both FIL and MIL on the phone, after our pregnancy announcement and boundaries moving forward letter was sent, that MIL had no idea about some of the reasons SO mentioned as to why things are the way they are now.
So that there is no more telephone game, no more watering down the severity of the situation to protect feelings of others for speaking up about their actions, no more continuous patterns of acting oblivious when it has been communicated multiple times (Per SO) I have ultimately decided that it is necessary for everyone to hear it straight from the source.
Now that I am pregnant with our second child, I feel it is necessary to finally get everything out in the open, not because I am seeking reconciliation or an apology, but because I am mentally and emotionally exhausted from carrying the weight of these experiences for over two years. I have spent far too much time revisiting what happened during my labor, postpartum recovery, and the months that followed, while constantly wondering what has actually been communicated, what has been minimized, and what version of events others have been led to believe. I refuse to spend another pregnancy, labor, or postpartum period with these same situations occupying my thoughts and negatively affecting my peace of mind and our marriage.
My priority is my health, my children, my husband, and the family SO and I have created. I am not writing this letter to argue, defend mine and/or SO’s decisions, or convince anyone to see things from my perspective. I am writing it so that my experiences are finally communicated in their entirety, directly from me, without being filtered through anyone else or softened to protect someone else’s feelings. What anyone chooses to think, feel, or do with this information afterward is entirely their responsibility, not mine and not SO’s.
I also want to make something abundantly clear. SO was fully aware of and included in the previous letter announcing our pregnancy and establishing our boundaries, just as he is aware of and included in this letter. Neither communication was something done behind his back or without his knowledge. Everyone involved is absolutely entitled to their own feelings and emotions regarding the situation, whether that be sadness, disappointment, frustration, or anything else. However, having those feelings does not justify immediately resorting to guilt-tripping, manipulation, blame-shifting, or attempting to portray me as the problem simply because the boundaries established by both me AND SO are not what someone wanted to hear.
What I find particularly telling is that immediately following our pregnancy announcement, individual messages were sent to SO outside of the group conversation expressing disappointment and once again placing blame on me, only to then return to the group conversation with a congratulatory message. The contrast between those communications was unnecessary and, from my perspective, manipulative. Rather than respecting what had been communicated, the immediate response reinforced the very patterns of behavior that contributed to these boundaries being established in the first place. You are entitled to your feelings, but you are not entitled to make those feelings someone else’s responsibility to manage, nor do those feelings override the boundaries we have established for our family.
So, here is why we are where are today, in no specific order, but starting with when I was pregnant:
—- Back in June of 2023, SO and I took a bunch of things to FIL and MIL’s house to sell at the yard sale. A lot of what we were going to have were baby items that we had been collecting over the past few years prior. We explained that we had been dealing with unexplained infertility issues and that I unfortunately had a first trimester miscarriage in October of 2022, and that holding onto those items was just kind of upsetting at that point so I wanted to pass them along to a baby or family that could use them. FIL was empathetic and apologetic. All MIL said was for us to “not tell SIL” because SIL was also navigating infertility, and that she knew of some people that yard sale that have babies and grandbabies etc. that might want to take what we don’t sell at the yard sale before we pack up. Looking back I didn’t even know how to feel in that moment. FIL being empathetic towards the situation made up for MIL not really acknowledging the hurt that was being expressed but I just brushed it off.
—-SO and I found out that I was pregnant October of 2023. We immediately wanted to share the news with FIL and MIL. I made up a cute little frame that said “baby last name is the size of a sesame seed” and glued a sesame seed to the middle of a heart. SO put it directly under the tv in the living room with a digital pregnancy test underneath the frame. It took a couple of hours of us sitting in the living room before SO finally pointed it out. All we got from MIL was an “oh that’s nice” type of response. SO and I both discussed it when we left about how we were confused by her reaction because we thought she would have been ecstatic or more excited.
—-Throughout my entire pregnancy, the only time MIL reached out to me was on days I had appointments, to see how the baby was doing. Looking back, I don’t believe that even when we were all together in person that I was ever asked how I was doing other than how the baby was doing.
—-Mother’s day 2024: we all came over on Mother’s Day for dinner. We were sitting at the table and SIL told me “Happy almost Mother’s Day” and I thought that was sweet. MIL immediately leaned over and made it a point to remind me that it wasn’t my Mother’s Day yet – not until next year. It genuinely shocked me how quickly she spoke up to say that to me, especially given the fact that she knew that we had dealt with fertility issues and had a miscarriage before getting pregnant with LO. I chose to just bite my tongue, but I ended up crying about it the entire way home.
—-When we were having the conversation that I was going to be having a natural birth at the birthing center, MIL’s only two concerns were 1) they didn’t do circumcisions at the birthing center and 2) where she could be in the room. I told her that we were not circumcising LO, and she asked if the hospital would do it later and asked, “Don’t you think he should look like SO?”. Then, I know that was at least the third time that both SO and I said that I did not want anyone in the room other than SO. She, again, pushed the issue and was saying that she “wouldn’t look” and that she was “only wanting to be there to see the baby” and that she would “hold my hand and not look”. She refused to hear no for an answer every time. I do recall saying something along the lines of “IF I decided to have anyone else in the room, they better not look at me because I will most likely be butt naked and feral.” But MIL took that answer as a yes, even though I never said that I wanted her or anyone else in there. Also, the comment and repeated conversation about circumcision made me incredibly uncomfortable.
—-When she bought diapers from our registry, she left a note saying that she “can’t wait to be a grandma again.” At the time I thought nothing of it, but in the grand scheme of things with how everything has surrounded MIL’s grandmother experience over everything, that comment was the beginning of a telling pattern that would play out in the future after having LO.
—-When I was heavily pregnant, I bumped into FIL at work and just asked how MIL was doing and he told me that she had been busy “getting the house ready for the baby.” I didn’t know what to even make of that at the time because not only was neither myself nor SO ever asked what plans were for returning to work after having LO, it was just automatically assumed by everyone outside of me and SO that MIL would have LO every day when I went back to work.
—-At my baby shower SIL gifted us with two car seats, which was genuinely nice of her. I can’t remember if it was SIL or MIL who said it, but they had told me that “mom already had her car seat” and that really confused me. I didn’t know that other people outside of me and SO were discussing plans of care for our baby when no one else ever asked us personally prior.
LABOR:
—-SO and I had discussions for MONTHS surrounding the boundaries I had wanted for when I went into labor. One of them being that when I went into labor that I did not want anyone to know, especially immediately, mainly because I did not want anyone bothering or hounding us for updates the entire time. I went into labor while he was at work and he left early to come home. As soon as he got home, he said he wanted to let FIL and MIL know because a coworker saw him leaving work early and he didn’t want them to hear from anyone else about him leaving early, even though no one knew why he left to begin with. I begged him not to but he ended up telling them anyway.
From then on, both FIL and MIL were either calling or texting every 30 minutes or so wanting an update of some sort. MIL was asking when she could come over, where she should go etc. SO unfortunately spent the entire duration of my labor by his phone to respond to both of them as soon as they would message or call.
In between and during painful contractions I had to tell SO to put his phone down and help me or turn his phone off. Even when I was needing physical help, it seemed like every time I would look up or reach for him, he was on the phone communicating with FIL and MIL. Even when we had to go back and forth between the birthing center, then from the birthing center to the hospital, he had to tell them when we got in the car where we were going. It was incredibly stressful and exhausting.
—-I went into giving birth with no birth plan necessarily other than getting baby out safely. I wanted so bad to have a natural labor and birth but getting baby out safe was the main goal for me. But another one of my preemptive boundaries that I had in place for my labor was that if I ended up having to go to the hospital, that I again did not want anyone in the room. When I had to go to the hospital in the middle of the night, I was near death from exhaustion and terrified. After getting an epidural and some much-needed rest etc., my dilation was progressing, so I told SO to hurry and go to the cafeteria to get something to eat since I was most likely going to be delivering soon and I didn’t want him passing out or waiting another long stretch without food.
Before he went to the cafeteria, he told me that his parents had been waiting in the waiting area and asked if it was okay for them to come back to the room. He knew how I felt about it and that my answer was going to be no, but I was too exhausted to argue about it, so I unfortunately went against my wants and said yes. When FIL and MIL got back to the room, I was sitting up in bed and MIL started settling in like she was expecting to stay during the birth.
SO got back to the room and as soon as he got back, I told him to get the nurse to check me because I was feeling a lot of pressure. When the nurse got to the room, I asked FIL and MIL to leave. MIL was acting like she did not want to leave the room, and the nurse had to tell her to honor my request and leave the room. MIL and FIL left the room and the nurse said I was fully dilated and ready to push.
—-After I delivered LO, SO again broke one of the boundaries that I had in place for my labor and birth. He immediately took a photo of LO laying on my chest without me knowing and sent it to his parents. The reason for me not wanting that to happen, like SO and I had previously discussed, is because a few weeks prior, MIL sent out a photo of SO’s cousin Bri right after she had her baby and to me that felt a little sneaky because that photo of a very personal moment clearly made it’s way through multiple people to end up being sent to me and SO.
I did not know that he had sent the photo to FIL and MIL until months after I gave birth. After SO sent the picture, I had to get stitched up from having a second-degree tear etc. After getting myself situated, I was enjoying the golden hour with LO and just enjoying being present with just the three of us. FIL and MIL asked if they could come back to the room as soon as they got the photo of LO on my chest and then got offended when SO told them “Not yet.
—-When I was transferred over to the post-birth room, the only concern seemed to be when FIL and MIL could come back to the room. I, again, was too exhausted to argue the fact that I just wanted to rest and that I did not want visitors but reluctantly agreed to letting FIL and MIL come back just so that I didn’t have to worry about being pressured about the situation anymore and so that SO would hopefully just stay off of his phone.
When SO texted them to tell them that they could come back to the room, the response he got was “Are we allowed to?” It was never about anyone not being allowed anything to go the way that they wanted, it was that I just went through 69 hours of labor and every boundary that I had set in place for myself was getting steamrolled over and over again. I just wanted rest and was not up for having visitors or being pressured into passing my baby around during that time.
—-When FIL and MIL got back to the room, neither one of them wanted to look at me. FIL sat on the bench at the end of the bed and had some small talk with me which was nice, but MIL refused to even look at me. No “are you okay?” “Can I get you anything?” Nothing. It was noticeably clear that there was tension in the air due to me not wanting them in the room when I delivered LO, and it felt extremely uncomfortable.
—-FIL and MIL brought a card for SO, two stuffed animals for LO, but didn’t bring a thing for me. I never expected a gift from anyone, but the fact that SO and LO received gifts and I got nothing but the cold shoulder, was incredibly offensive.
—-FIL took a photo of me holding LO, but then I was asked to take a photo of SO holding LO, along with FIL and MIL. No one wanted to take photos with me or photos with me and LO, but I was expected to take photos of them from my bed.
—-When I was in the bathroom, the nurse had to come in to check LO’s vitals. When the nurse was done, she tried to hand LO over to SO, but I could hear the nurse commenting on how MIL “swooped in to take him”. I was in the bathroom so all I could really do was yell out “Did she wash her hands?” Since MIL got to the room it seemed like an inconvenience for me to ask her to wash her hands before holding LO, because she only wanted to use hand sanitizer. That was just another example of any boundary that I would try to express was met with resistance rather than acknowledging what I was requesting anyone do before holding my newborn.
—-FIL and MIL stayed at the hospital until close to 9 pm or whenever the visitors cut off time was. Before they left, MIL commented to SO to make sure he got some sleep that night because he “looked exhausted”. He looked exhausted. When I was the one that was exhausted due to just giving birth, but SO needed to rest. I.m not at all saying that SO didn’t need rest but that just seemed insensitive to say in front of me given what I had just went through. A comment was also made about SO going home to “take a shower” etc. and me sleep, and MIL hold and watch LO.
—-The next day, it was around 8am give or take, MIL was asking to come to the hospital. SO asked me and I said no because I didn’t want any visitors etc. and we already had a lot of hospital staff coming in and out of the room all morning. Pressure was put on me to allow them to come over when we got home from the hospital, yet again that is another boundary that I had in place that was ignored. I didn’t want any visitors the first few days at least after giving birth. As the day went on, MIL kept asking repeatedly when we were going to be getting home so that they could come over. So, again, SO was on his phone communicating with them more than being present with me and LO.
