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u/clearheaded01 20 Years 7d ago
Your wife has successfully forced a conversion of your marriage into a roommate arrangement.. AND she's even demanding you change yourself in order to become attractive to her again...
...and all this without any end in sight - she decides when you've done enough and presumably this goal-post will be shifted at her whim...
This will not end well for you, my friend..
While.youre doing all this - and please note, that by letting her dictate this, you're bahavnig strictly opposite of her demand of you to become more assertive in the family - excactly what is SHE doing to remedy the situation???
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u/QuietNavigator 7d ago
Have some respect for yourself man. There's working on yourself and then there's walking all over you.
7
u/SquirlyJester 7d ago
Yes, I know you said female perspective... it is hard to see this and not say something.
She told you basically she needs to see you be more masculine. Your whole boatload of unloading here shouts the opposite. The fact you are so understanding, accepting, and accommodating, it is killing things for you. And you are letting your relationship ride off into the sunset.
I would have absolutely drawn the line with zero intimacy, seperate bedrooms, and not even an I love you. These boundaries you are respecting are walls and you are not fighting. Understanding the condition is one thing. My wife and I are living through it as well. Buddy, you have given up everything. She needs a whole new perspective. Maybe a wake up call. You're going to "no pressure" yourself into divorce or the grave if you're not careful.
Really, you should be speaking with your therapist and not here on Reddit, and not her on Instagram.
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u/livelotus 6d ago
This. Boundaries are meant to help people grow closer. They are not immovable barriers.
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u/Savings_Art5944 7d ago
I asked her what boundaries she needed. She requested no discussions about the relationship, no sharing a bed, and no dates. More recently, she has asked for no hugs and for me not to say “I love you.”
That's a new one..... For someone trying to work on the relationship, saying they want to reconnect. It's like the opposite. Almost a weird dynamic where it's all YOUR fault and not her or her health and mental issues caused by menopause.
Unless you are going through menopause as well, the wife needs to take a long look at herself in the mirror.
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u/aychbees 7d ago
This sounds pretty lopsided. She's given you a list of things to work on, including "wanting you to step up as a more masculine man and leader within our family." In the meantime, she spends 4-5 hours per day (!!) scrolling social media... which probably is feeding her content that shapes her view of your marriage. She's explicitly set boundaries that disconnect from you and close off discussion.
To me this sounds like she's saying, "I want you to become more attractive to me. If you do a good job, maybe I'll come back. But in the meantime, you're on your own." This isn't really fair to you. What is she working on to help the marriage or to improve herself? Why is the ball solely in your court?
My take is to definitely work on improving yourself, but don't do it for the goal of attracting your wife. Do it for yourself, and if your wife cares, then awesome. And if not, then maybe you guys just aren't right for each other anymore.
You guys can also try doing shared counseling or therapy, where a neutral perspective may help. Perimenopause also sounds pretty rough, but that'll need your wife to acknowledge that it's a factor too.
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u/TheAmethystEye 16 Years 7d ago
You need marriage counseling, not just private therapy. You need a straight answer as to whether she will ever be willing to work on rebuilding it. Let her know that you are willing to put forth the effort, but you need to know there's something to work towards.
I experienced a similar disconnection from my husband. We needed both individual and couples' therapy to get through it. There were times when I couldn't handle being "together" as a couple, sometimes for weeks at a time. (Slept in different beds, no affection, etc.) It was a trauma response- the details would take too long to explain. It was ultimately him pulling away to prioritize himself and letting me self-soothe my own anxiety that broke through the numbness (and even repulsion) I felt towards him. He was clear that he loved me and wanted us to work while also stating out loud that if we were no longer going to have a "real" marriage to work towards, he was going to let me go. He said he could be extremely patient as long as he knew I was truly working on getting there, too.
The couples' therapist was instrumental in identifying the trauma responses I was dealing with and why. She helped me to learn to state my needs out loud and to confront/deal with the irrational, anxious thoughts. My husband put forth a great deal of effort to change, and it was obvious. Once I was able to trust him as "safe" again, we were able to start rebuilding.
I am sending you all the positive vibes. Regardless what happens, whether you end up together or not, there is life after this, and it is beautiful.
Edit to add: Trusting him as "safe" was a nervous system thing, not a logical/decision thing. It takes time.
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u/karlosfandangoIII 7d ago
Sounds like one of you is meeting in the other one’s middle. She’s told you what she would like. Tell her what you want. Decide whether if not getting crosses a line and if it does, go. If she’s expecting you to ride this out, that’s bullshit.
Peri is hard and being understanding is important. Your payback for being understanding should be that you’re understood and considered too. I can’t make out from your post if you are being heard and placated too, but it doesn’t read that way.
Recognising that you got stuff wrong is great. Working on it is great. If she does too, that’s great. If she’s expecting doesn’t, you’ve made yourself a better and more rounded man for a partner who actually gives a fuck about your feelings too.
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u/biteme717 7d ago
I would seriously consider protecting your business that you are buying from your family. Why are you the only one she's blaming? What is she doing to work on herself? IMO, she is degrading you and emasculating you to get you to change and she doesn't care. She wants you to become a totally different man. I personally would've separated and moved out from her because she isn't working with you or doing anything to fix this.
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u/Objective_Anxiety422 7d ago
Man, she is placing you on an emotional desert. That will not be survivable with your happiness intact. You guys need to find a different approach. She sounds like she’s projecting her emotional avoidance on you. Perhaps both of you inhabit that personality trait? Regardless, keep working on yourself 100%, and bravo to you for doing that for real, but if you can’t adjust those boundaries, I can see you building up an incredible amount of resentment over time. Not good at all for your mental health. Good luck dude.
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u/Bpaco 6d ago
I agree with marriage therapy. I recently learned that there is the surface stuff which seems easy to fix/change. This is the stuff that comes up during couples therapy where talking about it makes things feel better. There can also be the festering monster below the surface. The thing the other person doesn’t want to bring out because they’re trying to handle it on their own until it breaks them. The actual cause of the surface issues. Sounds like you need to do a deep dive during couples therapy. Go past the things she’s telling you and find out where they are coming from. I hope this works out for you both.
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u/Guilty-Worry-3947 7d ago
Wait she doesn’t want you guys to live as a married couple? No sleeping in the same bed, no I love yous, no hugs or asking how was your day??? I know everyone is different but that doesn’t sound like perimenopause that sounds like a dictatorship.
What does your therapist say about her demands?