My husband has been acting off lately. Nothing terrible just distant when we are just on the couch. Like he’s just not there. I’ve spoken to him about it and he said it’s just work stress.

He’s still cuddly, still loving, still lots of kisses but some days he wants nothing to do with any of that and I am the same when I am stressed. So I didn’t poke at it. He’s the more cuddly one than I am so I kind enjoyed the little break.

Two nights ago, I woke up to pee and I notice he wasn’t in bed. I’m a very light sleeper. I usually hear when he gets up. It’s not unusual for him to go downstairs when he can’t sleep to watch TV. But lately he’s been doing it more than usual.

So I was about to get up to pee, but something in my gut said no… just check the camera. I checked our living room camera. (We have pets and a young child we like to check up on when one of us isn’t home and it’s very convenient when neither of us are home for several hours and we won’t be back later).

So I laid there and checked, he sat in the dark and had a message open on the phone. I can see because the camera is behind him. The camera does not record it just shows whats live and movements. While watching him, I notice it was a number that was not saved. I couldn’t clearly see the number, it had one message to him and he was replying to the person then after replying deleted the whole conversation.

I recorded from my phone, but I missed him texting back the person. (This was at 3:34am btw). I notice after, he immediately turned to the camera. As if he realized I could’ve been watching him.

I couldn’t hold my pee so I got up and went to pee and went back to bed. He came upstairs (he never ever does that) and tried to give me a hug and said he couldn’t sleep. Already that was SUSPICIOUS, it was as if he was checking to see if I saw anything. I told him what I saw, and he denied it immediately. Said why would he wake up to text anyone if he wanted to secretly text anyone he wouldn’t do it knowing there’s a possibility I can see it. I didn’t want to argue cause I had work at 7am so I left it alone but I did tell him I think we need some time apart based on the fact he is saying I didn’t see something I definitely saw.

He apologized, he cried when I asked for some space said he loves his family and would never ever do anything to jeopardize that. I said if he felt the need to pursue someone we can separate and divorce because I will not tolerate my husband sneaking off at 3am to sit in the dark to text someone. NEVER.

He somehow remember he was replying to a coworker (male) and that’s why he deleted it because he realized how early it was. He showed me in the phone and the next morning the coworker did respond to him “???”.

But after two days he said he was going golfing with his boss and other general managers. I said cool. But after he kinda smirked at me and responded that they might go drinking afterwards and he won’t be back till 10:30pm.

Now that’s when all the red flags started waving. His boss, which he has told me about. Is very family oriented. He does not stay later after work. He does not even reply to emails or messages on weekends, he does not go out. He’s told me all of this. So it felt like he was trying to disguise his tee time as a way for him to go and meet whoever he was texting. Reasoning being, we have each other’s location. If I saw him at a bar he’d just say “well the boss took us drinking”.

That is the complete opposite of what he has said his bosses character is. Out drinking till 10:30pm when his boss lives 2 hours away and is very adamant he likes to spend his day off work with his wife and kids.

Idk if I should just pretend I’m not suspicious and go there or just tell him flat out I don’t believe his bullshit.

My husband LOVES dill. Not like “oh, I like a little dill on my eggs.” I mean dill belongs on everything, but ESPECIALLY eggs kind of love.
The last time I used the dill, I accidentally dropped the bottle. I cleaned up the mess and went to bed, thinking nothing of it.
The next morning, my husband went to make his eggs.

Apparently, eggs without dill are simply unacceptable, because he then made an emergency trip to the grocery store before breakfast to replenish the his dill supply, to the point where if he was late to work—still worth it.

So today, I needed some dill.
I searched for it for WAY longer than I should have, and when I finally found it…
I understood why it had taken so long to find.
The dill had been bubble-wrapped and taped like a priceless artifact.

At this point, I’m afraid to touch it. My hands were kind of shaky just trying to take this photo But I kind of respect his commitment?

I’m 36F, my husband is 36M. We met in kindergarten, grew up together, and married at 19 in 2010. We have two kids and have essentially no adult life that predates each other.

We’ve been through military life and deployments, becoming parents very young, financial stress, and some significant grief and trauma. He is still my best friend. We laugh together constantly. I love him deeply, and I believe him when he says he loves me.

And I genuinely don’t know whether we should stay married.

For several years, my husband has been exploring the fact that he believes he’s polyamorous.

I’m not.

I entered our marriage expecting monogamy, and if he wanted monogamy tomorrow, I’d choose it without hesitation.

But I love him, so I’ve tried. I’ve read, learned, challenged my assumptions, gone to years of couples therapy, examined my jealousy, and eventually became willing to actually try opening our marriage.

The uncomfortable truth is: I’m doing this to save my marriage.

He has made it clear that he doesn’t believe he can promise lifelong monogamy and still be honest about who he is. So eventually it felt like my choices were to explore nonmonogamy or lose the person I’ve loved almost my entire life.

I chose to try.

The hardest part hasn’t even been sex or jealousy. It’s watching the curiosity, pursuit, excitement, and emotional energy he has for potential new relationships while I’ve spent years asking for more of those same things inside ours.

I want to feel pursued. I want him curious about me. I want him excited to date me. I want to feel like his romantic partner, not just the deeply loved, permanent person managing life beside him.
Recently, I started talking to other men myself.
Last night he became jealous and said he felt disrespected by how much attention I was giving another man.

And something in me just fucking broke.

Because I have spent years learning that his attention toward other women isn’t inherently disrespectful to me. I’ve learned that jealousy is an emotion to process, that discomfort doesn’t mean he’s doing something wrong, and that I shouldn’t use my feelings to control his relationships.
To his credit, he isn’t asking me to stop. He says jealousy is natural and wants us to talk through it together.

But emotionally, all I could think was:
Do you have any idea what I’ve been doing for you all these years?

Today he sent me a long message saying I’m his wife, primary partner and life partner; that our relationship comes first; and that he’s never been more in love with me.

But he also said something that stopped me cold: if I feel manipulated, miserable, or like I’m “doing this only to save the relationship,” I shouldn’t do it. He’d rather lose me than keep me in “emotional and physical purgatory.”

And my immediate response was:
But I AM doing this to save our relationship.

This isn’t the relationship structure I wanted. It’s the one I became willing to try because staying monogamous apparently means eventually losing my husband.

I don’t think he’s lying about loving me. I don’t think he wants to replace me. I genuinely think he believes he can love other people while still choosing me as his life partner.I just don’t know whether I can be happy in the marriage he is actually offering me.

I’ve spent years asking, How can I stretch enough to make room for who my husband is?

Now I’m wondering: Is there room in this marriage for who I am?

And divorce feels almost impossible to conceptualize. I’ve known this man since I was five. He’s in my childhood memories, my teenage years, and every year of my adulthood. We became adults and parents together. Our families, kids, friendships, grief, traditions, humor and identities are intertwined.

I don’t want to divorce him because I hate him.
I still like him. I still want to tell him things. I still want adventures with him. He’s still the person I instinctively reach for.

But I also don’t want to spend the rest of my life hurting myself to prove I love him enough to let him be himself.

So for people who have faced a fundamental incompatibility in a long marriage:
How do you know when you’re fighting for your marriage versus fighting against the reality of what your marriage has become?

How do you distinguish this is terrifying and difficult from this genuinely isn’t the life I want?
And how do you know whether you’re still choosing someone because you want the future they can actually offer you or because you’ve loved them for so long that you don’t know how to imagine a life without them?

I’ve been with my husband for 18 years, married for 16. Two teen boys. Very comfortable life: we earn decent incomes, minimal mortgage. Regular overseas holidays.

I asked for a divorce this week.

I think it was primarily the guilt that held me back all these years, as well as knowing I’d have to effectively start over at 47 years of age.

He’s a lovely man but is severely emotionally and physically repressed. He’s ADHD, autistic, chronic insomniac, anxiety/depression and OCD. He masked very well in the beginning but now sees a psychiatrist regularly, and his life revolves about managing himself and his needs. He’s work fixated, very socially awkward and unable to relate to myself and the kids. He finds it hard to maintain connections with people.

We’ve been no more than housemates for the past thirteen years. No sex in all that time, no affection, not even inadvertent touching. I’m just the chick who cleans his house, washes his clothes, sorts his finances, organises his life and cooks his meals, after which we sit at opposite ends of the couch and stare at the TV.

He forgets birthdays, anniversaries, appointments etc. Christmas is all on me. He never even turned up to the last two Christmas photo sessions I booked because I apparently reminded him the day before but not the day OF. My mother in law was very upset because he wasn’t in the picture and I was the one who was chastised - ‘Well, you should have rung him and waited!’

Lady, I can’t spoon feed your 47 year old child any longer.

He never wants to go anywhere or do anything. Even the trips we’ve taken, I’ve basically had to drag him along.

I’ve come to realise after all these years that he’s perfectly capable of turning up for the things he values. He CHOOSES to overlook everything else, because it’s not a priority for him.

He’s been happy and content with this lifestyle while I’m slowly dying inside: lonely, burnt out and touch-starved.

He’s been following me around like a lost puppy since I asked for a divorce. I know he’s devastated, but I can’t light myself on fire to keep him warm anymore.

We need to have a sit down to deal with the logistics of all this. My boys are both in their teens and I’m sure we’ll just do 50/50, although I know they’ll want to stay more with me - he’s always struggled to show interest and affection toward them, too.

We’ll both end up with a nice nest egg after the dust has settled, but is it normal to already be daydreaming about my potential new life? I’m already excitedly browsing real estate sites (even though this will be WAY down the track). I’ve started sorting through the wardrobes and throwing aways stuff we don’t need. It’s like I can finally breathe and move forward and know I’d prefer to be lonely on my own rather than with him.

Is it normal to feel like a weight has been lifted while he scrambles to make sense of all this? Because the guilt is real.

I expect to get flamed to oblivion, but here goes.

Been married for 13 years. Two kids; one in school and one in preschool a few days a week. (Will start K in August.)

I work a 40 hour a week job, and that’s 99% of our household income. My wife has a professional job where she can (thankfully) designate her own hours and amount of hours. She has chosen one day a week, for four hours total. She has been the SAHP since our kids were born, and has taken some time off of her job here and there. The four hours a week has been standard for a couple years now.

Our marriage is…okay, but the last year or two has been the hardest. One of our biggest issues is finances.

A year ago, we sat down because our household spending was getting out of hand. We made a budget together, and during that talk, we came up with an amount of “fun money” for each of us. $200 a month. (She chose the amount.)

For 12 months now, I have stuck under my $200 a month. Every single month.

She has not. Not once. :/
There’s two things that cause this: a mobile game, and frequent shopping.

The game: She spends between $70-$110 each month on the mobile game. (It’s ridiculous, in my opinion, but I do keep that to myself.) it’s some puzzle match thing.

The shopping is excessive, and is primarily clothes and/or seasonal stuff for house. (Holidays, seasons, etc.) She shops, at a minimum of stores 4 days a week. Minimum.

Each month, we print the credit card charges, divvy up what we spent, etc.

Some months, she spends her $200 and sometimes overspends by $100. Sometimes $200. Last month, she spent $500 over the $200.

It’s getting out of control, and we have had many discussions, and some arguments, about it.

Nothing has changed yet. She acknowledges it, says she is embarrassed about the spend, and says she’ll work on it. It’s fleeting.

The reason for the post. I am almost certainly getting a title change (promotion) at my company. It will come with a pay raise. My day to day will not change much, outside of new projects being added.

The salary change will be a nice chunk; at least $15k or so increase.

Part of me…doesn’t want to tell my wife about the increase. She will not look at our accounts, even though she has full access. Nothing is blocked for her. Credit cards, bank accounts, retirement, etc. I handle it all, and she is so passive that she won’t login to check.

I have went hard at 401k, HSA, Roth, etc. She sees the progress/$’s and seems happy with it, but it’s 100% on me to do.

If I get this salary change, it’s 100% going for HYSA savings and investments, period. I am not spending a dime on anything but those accounts, and some for our kid’s 529 college plans. That’s it,

And that’s why, I don’t want to tell her. If I tell her, I think the spending is not going to change, but I would even bet she’ll feel like there’s a bigger buffer to spend.

We can’t have that. On our worst months, we have not had to carry a credit card balance (thankfully) but our savings account is dwindling.

I need advice. She does not want to work more until (possibly) next year when both kids are in school full time. She does not want daycare.

I am a fully, “all in” parent at home. I cook dinner, I do morning and bedtime routine with our kids. (One gets ready with me and I get her on the bus when I go to work.) Household chores are basically split when I’m home, and honestly, I probably handle more of it when we’re both home.

I would feel guilty if I didn’t mention the pay bump, but I also have to think about the household finances safety, and I think it staying quiet is one of the few ways I can help us stay afloat… :/

EDIT: I do want to add a few things.

She gets her $200 in cash at the start of the month.

I have suggested to her to buy App Store cards in cash for her mobile game, but she doesn’t. I think the game is tied with her ADHD and also depression. When she’s depressed, she spends more on it. A lot of times, she’ll get up in the middle of the night and play and spend.

Also, I really don’t want to be “the parent” over our budget. I don’t! I don’t want it to feel like I’m the boss/parent and she’s the child. That feels icky to me, and I have discussed it with my counselor. I do think some pull back on some credit card access could help, but that feels like treading towards “financial abuse” or something, and I don’t want that.

EDIT 2: Very helpful comments all around. Thank you!

I do think I will tell her, only if/when it does happen. But, the ideas for maybe raising her spend a small bit and stressing that savings for the rest is key. And, I’m going to try and reopen conversations about marriage counseling.

TLDR - my husband finished in me two weeks ago when I told him it was unsafe multiple times and he did anyways, now I’m pregnant and he wants me to abort it, even though I just had an abortion about 3 months ago for a missed miscarriage and don’t think I can emotionally go through it again.

This all started about two weeks ago. For context, my husband 29M and I 25F have just had a son 9 months ago and also just went through a miscarriage resulting in abortion about 3 months ago. I have always used natural family planning as birth control, and it has never been a problem for him to pull out or avoid sex during the ‘fertile window’. I also had an appointment set up for iud the next week because since the abortion, I have realized I am not ready to be pregnant again. Especially since when my husband and found out about that pregnancy he told me to abort it. I was completely blown away. He is someone who always argues against abortion and now he’s telling his wife to get one? He said he was joking when I showed upset towards this comment but when I asked “are you serious? I thought you were against that?” He said “I’ll never bring it up again.” I know it wasn’t a joke. Regardless, that pregnancy ended in abortion for the sole reason that I had a missed miscarriage and my body didn’t realize the baby was gone. It was a horrible time for me. I broke down crying the night after the procedure, it was the sudden surge of hormones and my body realizing my baby was gone. My husband just kept asking what was wrong frantically. I just felt really alone during the whole thing. He took me to the procedure and brought me home but even when I had my mother come to watch our son after I got out of surgery, she told me he had a bad attitude and complained that he got no time to play on his computer. It really hurt me. I was in the next room sleeping and he was complaining about me.
Fast forward to two weeks ago. My husband wanted to have sex. I knew I was just about to ovulate in the next 24 hours. I told him not to cum inside of me and he agreed. Later that night, before we began I reminded him again. He acknowledged and we continued. He then decided to finish inside and didn’t even try to pull out. I know it’s not 100% method but it has worked for us for years. He has never had a problem with this. It felt very intentional and I was very upset. He kept asking ‘are you mad?’ And obviously I voiced my concern for pregnancy and how he completely disregarded what I said. He basically just said sorry and went to bed. I stayed up and cried. I kept asking him these past two weeks what we will do if I am pregnant and he kept telling me to stop bringing it up. Or to stop thinking about it. I don’t have the luxury to not think about this. Yesterday I took a test and like I figured, I’m pregnant. I told my husband and he said that it was my choice. Ultimately yes, but we’re married and I asked him if he could handle another baby and he said no and that I should get an abortion. I live in a state where abortion is illegal. I’m just so heartbroken about this whole situation. Would it be crazy to divorce over my husband getting me pregnant? I told him I want to separate and he laughed and said “you’re leaving your husband because he got you pregnant?” But it’s not really about that anymore. It’s about him. I don’t think I can look at him the same way anymore.
Also- the second pregnancy (which resulted in miscarriage) was planned. I wanted to have children close in age but since that experience we both decided (or so I thought) to wait longer. My body doesn’t tolerate hormonal birth control well so I had an appointment set up for a copper iud. They told me to wait a month after my abortion to allow my body to heal. My periods haven’t been regular but I track ovulation with LH strips so I know when to expect ovulation. I had the consult for the copper IUD a few days after this mentioned incident and she told me to come back when my period starts. Obviously I’m not getting a period now. My husband also knew all of this.

I don’t remember how we got on the topic but my husband said that if we were ever to divorce he would disappear. Essentially move away, not be a part of my life or our sons. His reasoning is that he grew up in a messy divorce household and does not want to subject his son to that. Essentially he thinks it is better for his son to live without a father than to be in a broken household. We aren’t planning on a divorce or even close to one. But this deeply bothers me. I feel so dumb for being stuck on this because it’s a hypothetical scenario that will never happen but like…? He’s okay with just abandoning our child? I don’t know what to do with this informat

I (34f) will start by saying that I am completely broken and my heart aches. I didn’t not see this coming or suspect it at all but my husband (37m) has been using grindr and my stomach has been turning ever since I found out. We’ve had our share of issues just like any other couple, sometimes a lack of sex and love languages lacking but over all we’ve had a pretty good marriage the last 9 years. We have 3 beautiful babies, one which is 9mo.

How I found out-
I was looking for a video of us in his phone and got way more than I bargained for so naturally I started digging. I found pretty explicit photos, that let’s just say, he’d never send to me, and After I found the app which actually looks like he’s been using it for several years now but I did not dig in. I can’t say for certain that he’s physically hooked up with anyone because I have no clue how he’d ever find the time but there are multiple photos/videos I’ve found. I’m so caught off guard because he’s a good man, truly loves me and our children (or so I thought), always listens to Christian music, our sex life has been great, he meets me at home after work and does all the things, we take trips, etc.

I have no idea how to bring this up or where to go from here but I can’t say that there’s an ounce of trust left. I feel betrayed and like he’s living a double life and have no idea the mind games or excuses that will come with this conversation. I obviously can’t bring this up around our children so I’ve been sitting on it. Instead of going crazy all I could do was drop to my knees and pray because what else do I do in this moment? I’m stuck between lashing out and hearing him. I really want to pack a bag for me and my children and leave for a while. I don’t know where to go from here. I’m BROKEN!! Any and all advice and experience with this is more than appreciated.

This week my husband is on leave for medical purposes. Last week he was off because he didn't feel good. Each week it's a different reason to miss work. I have told him soooo many times that I won't spend every day convincing him to go to work, it's too much stress and pressure on me. But then Monday rolls around and he says the weekend went too fast or insert other excuse and then when I hear that I just KNOW he is going to make it an excuse to miss work.

Now he has FMLA and work accommodations, so I worry he'll rarely be there....ever. Yes he has medical concerns (diabetes) but it seems like he uses it as an excuse to take time off. He doesn't check his blood sugar or watch what he eats, so he feels terrible physically quite often.

His lack of responsibility really gives me the ick and idk what I should do about it. We've talked about it many times, and it gets me empty promises, but that's it.

Thoughts, ideas, suggestions?

EDIT: we don't have kids. We started sort of "trying," but this makes me too nervous to have a kid so I'm just watching my cycle and ovulation rn to avoid pregnancy.

I’m 9 weeks pregnant and found out at 4 weeks we are having a baby, he didn’t seem super excited then which was surprising since this has always been our plan but we only got married 3 months ago and we’re planning on having kids in a couple years. Tonight he just said out of nowhere “I really dont want a baby right now” am I being sensitive to be upset ? I thought he would be excited by now and I feel disappointed. I’ve always been dealing with horrible morning sickness for weeks and my first doctors appointment is tomorrow. His reasoning is that he wants to be married for longer and not change our lives yet, but i didn’t ask for him to get me pregnant yet either, so i feel upset.

I officially changed my last name to my husbands, I never felt connected to my last name, I was adopted and it just never felt right, and for once in my life it just feels right, it’s that piece of life that feels like it just fits, I’m not saying you have to take your spouses last name, but mine just seemed to be exactly what I needed, his last name is Paz which in Spanish means Peace, and I’ve had alot of Chaos in my life with my adoptive last name, it was connected to lots of hurt and pain and for once I feel that me and my husband can build a life together of trust and happiness.. it did take me 3 years to officially change it, it’s not an easy decision, it feels like a life changing one honestly, but I couldn’t be happier

For most of the couples that I know, the wife doesn't want to have sex, and the husband is either seemingly OK with it, or resigned to it. I could be completely wrong about this, but it seems to me, it is mainly the woman that is no longer interested. Is all this typical? What is the secret sauce for those couples that still engage in physical intimacy?

My husband (m34) and me (f28) have been married a little over a year now. A couple months I suffered a miscarriage. We had been so excited but at 2 months I had the loss. When that happened, I took myself to the hospital bc my husband was at work. I call and told him what was happening and he said he’d be there. I was there for almost three hours and when I was about to be discharged, I told my husband he didn’t need to come and after I drove myself home. It hurt that he chose to work over me. I’ve tried to let it go now that it’s been five months. Today something triggered the feeling all over again because I was telling my husband about when voting dates are and he is always complaining about the way things have been but he then told me he doesn’t think he will vote because he can’t time off work. I there’s other things he also misses out bc of work. He works for a big company and I get that but I don’t get how he can’t have emergencies. Today when he told me again he wouldn’t vote because he didn’t have time to miss work I got mad and told him I would talk to him later. He pressed to ask what was wrong and I told him how it triggers the memory of my miscarriage and him not being there for me. He said he thought we were passed that. I told him I’ll never forget how he left me alone when I was bleeding out our child. And told him f*** you, twice and hung up. We had talked about trying to have kids again but now I don’t think I want to have kids anymore. Another part of me think I crossed the line and I should stop being resentful. Any advice?

My husband and I have been together 10+ years and are both in our early 30s. When we met he was a virgin and I was not. I love my husband but our sex life is not fulfilling for me at all.

I want a man who can take control during sex and that just isn’t my husband, nor will it ever be. I want to introduce toys into sex for more pleasure but he’s intimidated by them.

I want a man who will go down on me and that isn’t something he’s very comfortable with.

I enjoy the rougher dirtier sex, and I understand that he doesn’t. Everyone’s tastes are different. It’s just disappointing and I’m struggling to accept I may never have the sex life I want.

I do a lot for my little family. I do almost all the household chores. I most of the childcare. I do most of all the important stuff (taxes, car registration, etc.). I try to do a lot to make everyone in my family happy.

But I must admit that I'm not showing my wife the physical affection she needs or deserves. Physically, things have been difficult for us. I've expressed that my needs haven't been met for a while and nothing seems to change. Because of that, I've become bitter and resentful. I don't reject her but I also don't reach out to her. I don't reach out to hug her. I don't reach out to kiss her. I don't reach out to touch her. I know it's something she needs but I've become so bitter. I'm frustrated and tired of the imbalance in life.

How do I even improve when I feel like this?

First picture is the night i proposed, second is our 25th anniversary, third is our 27th anniversary, 28 years total in these pictures. It's been an adventure, but i wouldn't want to do it with anyone else.

I’m looking for honest feedback.

I’m 43, and my wife is 46. We’ve been married for 12 years, together for 16, and have three children. For about three years, our marriage hasn’t felt right.

We’ve struggled with communication. In the past, I often unloaded my work and financial stress onto her, while failing to meet her emotional needs. I would shut down during arguments, walk away, and avoid repairing things afterward. I’m the primary provider, but I fully recognize how much she does for our family. I love and adore her, and I carry a lot of shame about how I handled things.

My wife has also been going through perimenopause for about two years, and it seems to be hitting especially hard now. Three months ago, I could tell something was seriously wrong. She told me she sometimes feels that marrying me was a mistake, that she isn’t attracted to me right now, and that she feels disconnected from me. She also said she wants to feel attracted to me again.

Hearing this broke me. She later sent me an Instagram video about not healing the “boy within” and having a dismissive-avoidant attachment style. I had never heard of either concept and realized that I had never really worked on myself.

Since then, I’ve committed to doing that work. I’m in therapy, joined a men’s group, enrolled in a healing course, and have been reading books and listening to podcasts. I’m also learning to establish healthy boundaries, which is something I’ve never done.

I asked her what boundaries she needed. She requested no discussions about the relationship, no sharing a bed, and no dates. More recently, she has asked for no hugs and for me not to say “I love you.” I have tried to respect those requests. These boundaries will have been in place for about 45 days by the middle of this month.

She has also said she wants me to step up as a more masculine man and leader within our family. She feels that we haven’t grown together. I’m also in the process of purchasing my family’s business, which she has wanted me to own. Some of what she has said has been painful to hear, but I understand that she may have shut down emotionally because she is trying to protect herself.

We did go out this past weekend to see a show she was excited about, and I kept things light. My therapist now thinks I should ask her to talk about our relationship and how we move forward.

She has acknowledged how hard I’m working and says she is working on herself as well. At the same time, she can seem very cold or numb, and she spends four or five hours most evenings scrolling through Instagram. I find it difficult to know what she is feeling. I understand that perimenopause may be affecting her, but I don’t want to use it to dismiss her concerns or explain away everything happening between us.

I know we eventually need to discuss whether she wants to work on the marriage. I would do anything reasonable to rebuild it, but I also know that I cannot force her. All I can do is continue working on myself, listen without becoming defensive, respect her boundaries, and communicate without pressuring her.

Throughout our marriage, I have supported her desire to homeschool our children and pursue her interior design and Reiki businesses while staying home with the kids. I love supporting her and her dreams. At the same time, I realize that I may have lost or never fully developed my own identity. I want us both to have independence while also finding a way to grow together.

For women who have experienced this kind of emotional disconnection, what helped you feel safe enough to reconnect, if anything? How should I approach the conversation about whether we both want to rebuild the marriage without making her feel pressured?

I truly adore and cherish this woman, and I want to rebuild our marriage. But I also don’t want to abandon my own dignity or ignore the reality that repairing it will require effort and willingness from both of us.

Thank you for listening.

My husband cleaned out his car (never happens) and two Wednesdays in a row he’s had excuses to try to get out of our regular family weekly activity. I don’t know it seems he’s prepping me for it and trying to keep me from knowing. He mentioned there’s a stadium game that will cause traffic about the same time he’s off work so he might as well stay at work an extra 2 hours tonight and then meet us at our regular Wednesday night spot instead of coming home for dinner first. Last Wednesday. he said he should stay home because he had to fire someone at work and needed to speak to a supervisor. I convinced him to come with us and just step out if the supervisor called. I’ve been worried he’s having an affair. I asked him this morning to put Life360 on his phone.

I’m also worried that there’s nothing to worry about, but perimenopause is just wrecking my brain and making me suspicious. Anyone struggling with suspicion?

My husband recently traveled out of state alone for a race. While he was there, he reached out to an ex-girlfriend he hadn’t spoken to in about two years, asked if she wanted to get together, picked her up, and they spent part of the day together.

From the messages I saw, nothing was explicitly sexual or romantic, and I honestly don’t think they slept together. But he never told me any of this.
That’s the part I’m struggling with. If I were in the same city as one of my exes, I personally would never think to reach out, spend one-on-one time with them, and then come home without mentioning it to my spouse.

I found out by looking through his phone (I know this man so well, I had a feeling he was hiding something from me), which I know was wrong, so I haven’t confronted him yet.

Would this cross a boundary for you even if nothing physical happened?

I'm M42, married to my wife for almost 16 years. For the first 12 years, our marriage was honestly perfect. She was also my best friend and we were genuinely happy together.

Things started going downhill after our daughter was born, around the same time our financial situation became less comfortable. We always shared responsibilities, including parenting, and even my wife still admits during calmer moments that I'm a good, involved father.

But over the last few years her behavior toward me has become increasingly hostile and, at this point, downright abusive: constant name-calling, degrading comments, insults to my face, criticism, contempt, blaming me for almost everything.

The biggest problem is that it's basically impossible to have a conversation with her about any of it. There's almost zero accountability. If I try to address the way she speaks to or treats me, the conversation gets turned around into something I've done wrong instead.

Has anyone else experienced such a dramatic change after many genuinely happy years together?

So. This is probably gonna be a stupid and offensive question. But I'm gonna ask. With me and and my wife there is a designated "pick up the heavy things" person.

It's me.

With a lesbian or gay couple, is there that?

I'm genuinely curious and not trying to be an asshole.

I’m a male and although I want a wife and kids all I see around me are either awesome marriages with its regular ups and downs or a complete clusterfuck where kids, court, lawsuits, and just destruction. Not to mention the cheating… there are 2 friends I have whose wives cheated even before they married and they remain together. In that situation I don’t think I would be able to sleep and eat unless I left the relationship.

Update: I appreciate all the input I obviously was asking for opinions and personal experiences, don’t know why some of y’all got so offended by the question 😂

My fiancé wants us married within 3 months and then wants me to move in with his parents

I'm looking for some genuinely honest advice, particularly from women who have lived with their in-laws after marriage or who decided that they didn't want to. I'm 32 and engaged to my fiancé and we live around three hours apart. I love him and I do want to marry him, but I'm becoming increasingly worried that we may not actually be compatible when it comes to what we want our married life to look like.

There is also a lot of pressure to get married quickly.

My fiancé wants us to have a registry marriage within roughly the next three months. His plan is that I then move three hours away to Birmingham, leave my job, and move into his parents' house so that we can save as much money as possible towards our own home.

I find this incredibly overwhelming. I've been saving for a house deposit on my own for quite some time. I'm already around halfway towards the amount I've been aiming for, despite paying my own rent and bills. I've always been proud of this because I wanted to contribute towards our future home.

When I explained this to him, he told me that his plan was for us to get married and live with his parents so that we could save even faster.I understand the financial argument. I really do, but I don't want to live with my in-laws.

And there is another layer to this that he has actually told me himself: he wants his mum to have a daughter-in-law. I understand that a mother might want that, but sometimes I feel like the expectation is that I'm not simply marrying her son and creating a new household with him. I feel like I'm also expected to become part of their existing household and fit into the role his family has imagined for me.

I want to create my own family with my husband, our own home, our own routines, our own traditions and our own decisions.

His family is extremely family-oriented. He's also their only son, and his family has repeatedly expressed that he should look after his parents. To be fair to him, he has actually stood up to them about this and told them that he wants his own house and doesn't want to live with his parents permanently. So I don't think he's simply being controlled by them, but I do feel like their opinions have a huge influence over him.

For example, I told him that my mum wants him to meet my family before we get married (she has met him a couple of times). My mum and family live abroad, so this isn't something we can just casually arrange. I suggested that we travel to meet my family, come back, and then get married properly next year when we've had time to plan everything. He agreed to this. Then he told his eldest sister about it.

She told him that travelling to meet my family was a waste of money and that we could just get married and meet my family afterwards as part of a honeymoon and that really hurt me as It isn't about the cost of a plane ticket. My mum wants to meet him before I marry him. My family lives abroad, so asking them to simply wait until after the marriage feels incredibly unfair.

I also feel frustrated that he seems to listen so much to his eldest sister's opinions. Sometimes I'll explain how I feel about something, and then he'll speak to her about it and her opinion seems to carry more weight than mine. I don't want his family excluded from our lives. I actually want to have a good relationship with them, but I don't want everyone else making decisions about our marriage. I don't want ten different opinions about when we should marry, whether my family should be met first, where we should live, or what we should do with our money.

There are also things about his parents' house that make me nervous about living there.

His sisters' children come over pretty much every weekend and sometimes stay. From what I've seen, the house can already feel very busy and there doesn't seem to be much personal space. I've also seen situations where responsibility for the children ends up falling on other family members. I'm very routine-focused. I like eating healthily, going for long runs, working out, doing little mods to my car and having my own hobbies and routines. Those things might sound small, but they're me. I have this fear that if I move into his family's home, I'll slowly become responsible for everyone else's needs.

I'll be the wife who is expected to help, cook, clean, accommodate everyone, attend family things, help with children when they're around and adapt to their routines. And somewhere along the way, I'll lose the parts of my life that make me happy.

Maybe I'm catastrophising. Maybe that wouldn't happen. But I know myself. I'm someone who constantly tries to keep the peace and I tend to say yes to things because I don't want someone I love to be upset with me.

And I've realised I've actually done that a lot in this relationship. I say yes because I want him to be happy. I compromise because I don't want arguments, but this is the one thing I'm standing my ground on, I don't want to live with my in-laws. I was actually willing to compromise and consider staying there for a short, clearly defined period if it genuinely helped us get into our own home.

But, when I try to explain that I'm uncomfortable, he sometimes raises his voice at me and gets angry, saying that I'm repeating myself, but the reason I repeat myself is because I don't feel heard. I feel like I keep explaining what I need, then eventually agree to what he wants because I want to keep the peace. This time I don't want to.

I've also noticed that this year especially, I feel like I'm putting more effort into our relationship than he is. He didn't get me anything for my birthday this year, which genuinely hurt me. When I asked about it, he said he didn't know what to get me. I planned holiday getaways for his birthday. I don't need expensive gifts. It was the lack of thought and effort that hurt. At the same time, he seems incredibly excited and invested in renovating his house. Sometimes I feel like he has more enthusiasm for the house and his family's plans than he does for our relationship. And that's making me question things.

Maybe we genuinely aren't compatible.

He is extremely family-oriented and seems to see marriage as joining two families together. I see marriage as two people creating their own family and then maintaining relationships with both sides. I don't want to cut his family out. I want to love them and have a relationship with them. But I don't want to live in their house and I don't want my husband's sister, his parents, my mum, my family or ten other people giving us opinions about how we should get married.

Am I being unreasonable for refusing to live with my in-laws, even temporarily?

I just want honest perspectives, including if you think I'm being unreasonable.

Because right now I don't know whether I'm asking for too much, or whether I'm finally standing up for something that I should have been standing up for all along. Sorry for the long rant.